Mac sat in her office waiting for Sturgis to return. Not that she was getting much work done. Her office door was open but nobody had ventured in. The paperwork on her desk was untouched, still where it had been when she'd arrived that morning.
She'd tried working but her mind wouldn't co-operate. As soon as she tried concentrating her thoughts would drift to Harm. There'd be brief moments when she knew in her heart that she'd done the right thing by reporting him to the Admiral. The rest of the time there'd be guilt.
Glancing at her watch she noticed another ten minutes had passed. Sturgis had been only been gone for an hour or so but it seemed a lot longer. She grimaced at that thought as she closed the file in front of her and headed for kitchen area. Her internal clock was completely out of whack. Only Harm could turn her life so upside down that she didn't know what time of day it was.
She made it to the kitchen without being intercepted by anyone. Not that she was surprised; the bullpen was subdued. Going through the motions of making coffee she listened to the quiet murmur of voices outside. Harm had a way of striding through the bullpen that filled everyone working in it with energy. The last time it had been this quiet had been the days after the shooting, as everyone had struggled to come to terms with what had happened only yards from where they were sitting.
She hadn't been at the office when it happened. Driving into work she'd received a terse message from the Admiral telling her to get to Bethesda. She'd gone, not knowing what to expect.
Grabbing her coffee, she tried to push away the memory of those first few minutes in the hospital: the Admiral's pale face, the dried blood staining the cuffs of his shirt. Those images had been haunting her dreams for weeks. Now it appeared they were invading her waking moments as well. Closing her eyes, she tried to focus on something else but the images kept floating back: the confusion in the emergency room; the Admiral talking urgently to her, pushing her through the crowd of medical personnel; the moment she'd been sitting in the waiting room and realised she still had dried blood under her nails…
With a gasp, she opened her eyes. The memories were so vivid she checked her hands, putting down her coffee cup as she noticed they were shaking. Rubbing her hands she forced warmth into them.
By the time she walked back to her office she'd stopped shaking but she couldn't suppress a shiver. The memories lingered, making her stomach roil. Harm was fine, she reminded herself as she sat back down. Okay, maybe he wasn't fine but he would be. He'd bounce back because that's what he did. And they'd be friends again because that's what they did.
Friends. She picked the word out, running it around her mind. She missed her friend she realised, the sudden thought making her eyes prickle with tears. She'd survived the separation while he'd been recuperating at La Jolla because she'd assumed he'd be back. And for a while she'd thought – hoped – there might be a chance for something more. Now he was gone again and it was her fault.
For a second she wallowed, letting the negative thoughts overwhelm her. And then the Marine Colonel in her took over. It wasn't her fault, her inner voice reminded her sternly, making her sit upright and blink back the tears. Harm had put her in that position. And she was a Marine Colonel. Making decisions she'd didn't like was part of the job. Harm understood that, better than anyone. Sturgis had been right; once Harm was feeling better and thinking straight he'd see that she'd done the right thing. Everything would go back to normal, whatever normal was where she and Harm were concerned.
By the time Sturgis walked into her office half an hour later she'd almost convinced herself it was true. Almost. One look at Sturgis' face told her that wasn't the case.
"What happened?" she demanded. "Did you see him?"
Closing the door, Sturgis turned and gave Mac a nod that didn't fill her with confidence. With an effort, she waited for him to sit before asking the question uppermost in her mind. "Is he alright?"
The feeling of dread she'd been feeling since he'd nodded at her grew as he took his time replying. Finally he met her gaze. "He's okay."
His expressive eyes gave away the true story. "No he's not," she shot back.
Pinching the bridge of his nose, Sturgis sunk further into his chair. "The timing wasn't good. He'd just got back from the hospital-"
"What did they say?"
Frowning, Sturgis looked up. "Who?"
"The doctors," Mac replied, her gut twisting as Sturgis' frown deepened.
"They don't think he's going to be fit for duty for at least a month, maybe more."
"Oh." Stunned, Mac tried to think of something to say. During their visit to the Emergency Room several days before the doctor had told Harm he'd be taken off duty for a week. Nobody had said it would be a month. Harm hated being on sick leave. They'd told him he needed to rest, that he needed physio but that was all. "They think it's that serious? Did they say anything about the flight medical?"
Sturgis waved her to silence. "He didn't really say. They're still running tests."
It was Mac's turn to frown. "You didn't ask him?"
"He wasn't in the mood for talking."
There was something in Sturgis' voice that stopped further conversation. In silence Mac watched him walk over to stare out at the bullpen. She knew his attention wasn't on the scene outside.
"He became defensive, upset," he explained, obviously carefully choosing his words. He paused then glanced nervously over at her.
Her heart sunk. "About me?" she suggested. Sturgis didn't reply instantly, his hesitation speaking volumes. Swallowing hard, she took a deep breath and joined him by the window. "It's not surprising," she forced herself to say, "after what happened he's going to be-"
Sturgis shook his head. "It wasn't like that."
Touching him lightly on the elbow, Mac dragged up a grateful smile. "Sturgis, you don't have to protect me. I understand why he's angry."
"It wasn't like that," he repeated, his voice quieter but no less insistent. As he turned to look at her she could see the confusion she was feeling mirrored in his eyes. That confusion grew when he spoke again. "It didn't sound like Harm talking."
With an effort she found her voice. "What do you mean?"
"He sounded tired…defeated."
Mac shook her head, not wanting to accept the picture Sturgis was painting. "Defeated?" The word sounded alien when partnered with Harm. He never gave up. Not even after the shooting when no one was sure he would pull through.
Reaching out for the nearest chair, she sat down. The feeling of guilt she'd been fighting all day flared. Resting her face in her hands she fought for composure determined not to give into tears again. When she eventually looked up, Sturgis was still staring sightlessly into the bullpen, his thoughts elsewhere. "Why now?" she asked, not really caring if he heard or not. "Why this time?"
"Has he called you?"
With a start Mac looked up. She must have drifted off because Sturgis was sitting next to her now, studying her closely. Uncomfortable with his scrutiny she looked away. "Today? No," she replied, pulling her thoughts together. "I left him another message this afternoon," she confessed, "but all I get is his answering machine." Sighing, she voiced the idea that had been creeping up on her all day. "Maybe I ought to go and see him. I know he's angry but if I apologise…"
"No." Sturgis' voice was almost a whisper, but there was no doubting the urgency behind it. "No, not yet."
Mac didn't reply. She understood what he was trying to tell her, without seeing the sympathy in his eyes. Harm had said that he didn't want to speak to her. She clenched her hands together, warming them against the sudden chill spreading through her body. Her only consolation was that Sturgis looked as miserable as she felt. They shared another awkward silence until Sturgis stirred again.
"I told him that I think he needs to talk to someone."
Mac absorbed the news quietly, the latest bombshell not making a dent in her composure, compared to the previous one. "You mean a professional?" She thought about it then shook her head. "You know what he's like sometimes. When he can't fix things he gets depressed-"
"Mac-"
"He'll be fine. You said it yourself, when he's feeling better he'll start thinking straight." Her heart lurched as a look of guilt flashed across Sturgis' face. "What?"
"On the way back I kept thinking…"
"Kept thinking what?"
Sturgis sighed and looked down at the floor. "Perhaps we should tell someone that he's having problems?"
Please don't make me do it, was the first thought that crossed her mind. She pushed it away, angry at her display of weakness. One look at Sturgis told her that it was the last thing he wanted to do as well. She knew they would, if they had to. Harm's health was more important than his career, even though he wouldn't see it like that. But not yet. There had to be other options.
"Not yet," she insisted, pushing on as Sturgis looked ready to argue. "You were right this morning. Let's give him some space. At least he's following the doctors' orders. If we jump in now it'll make the situation worse." And he'll probably never speak to me again she added silently.
To her relief Sturgis nodded. It was obvious he wasn't relishing the thought of Harm finding out they'd intervened in his personal life again. "Okay." Standing up he straightened his jacket as she did the same. He caught her eye, frowning as he caught her lingering unease. "I'll make sure I speak to him everyday. He's not getting rid of us that easily."
Unable to speak, she just nodded. More than anything she wanted to see Harm for herself. She was just going to have to be patient - again.
A knock on the door startled them both. Out of the corner of her eye Mac saw Sturgis school his features into a more neutral expression as he replied, "Enter." Turning, he blocked the view of the room, just as a nervous looking Harriet appeared. "Lieutenant, you needed something?"
Silently thanking Sturgis for taking the lead, Mac used the few extra seconds to take a deep breath and collect herself. "There's a phone call for you, sir," Harriet was saying as Mac joined them by the door. She forced herself to smile as Harriet threw her a worried glance. It slipped as Sturgis headed off to his own office, disappearing altogether as she realised Harriet hadn't gone back to her desk.
"I'm fine," Mac insisted, pre-empting the younger woman. "Really," she added as Harriet made no move to leave. The Lieutenant hesitated, her expression doubtful. Her expression turned to surprise as Mac gently closed the door on her.
Cursing herself Mac sat back at the desk. She'd apologise later, she decided, when she had the energy to hold a conversation. For the moment she needed some time to herself to think. The news that Sturgis had delivered about Harm had upset her but she couldn't give in. She wouldn't give in.
Harm wasn't going to get rid of her that easily.
