Note: Potential spoilers for Closure Part I.
Rating changed to R
True, sometimes valour counts for something,
as at Thermopylae. Sometimes being right,
though ultimate virtue by agreed tradition
is decided by the winner.
Sometimes men throw themselves on grenades
and burst like paper bags of guts
to save their comrades.
I can admire that.
In those early days on the squad, she drank more than she should have, she realizes now. She cringes with the memory. Brian.
Most of the SVU detectives had gone to a cop bar around the corner from the precinct. Olivia sat at a table in the smoke-filled bar with Munch, Jeffries, and Cassidy, sharing a pitcher of beer. Elliot had gone home to his family. The other detectives were celebrating closing a particularly difficult case.
"Guilty on all counts," repeated Cassidy with a smile.
"Congratulations, Brian," Jeffries said, patting him on the back. It had been Cassidy's collar.
"At least now his victims can sleep at night," Munch stated solemnly. His remark cast a pall over the group. Olivia wondered which ones of the living victims they were each contemplating. Michelle? The twelve-year-old Anna? Jasmine, the grade-school teacher? She thought about Mejra, the first victim. Mejra was a nineteen-year-old exchange student from Yugoslavia. She hadn't been in New York City more than two weeks before being raped and nearly beaten to death in a back alley. Olivia couldn't forget the girl's dark eyes, clouded with rage that something like this could happen to her. Could happen to her in America.
Olivia emptied her mug with another swallow and filled it again. Jeffries broke the silence: "I'm going to head home. See you tomorrow."
"I'll drive you," offered Munch. They got their coats and exited through the swirls of cigarette smoke into the cold night.
Olivia and Brian were left alone at the table. He looked despondent.
"Which one were you thinking about?" Olivia asked.
"The little girl. Anna," he replied. After a moment, he continued, "Her life will never be the same." Olivia nodded.
"But you just made sure that that sick bastard can't do that to any more women. You did a great job on this, Brian." He looked at her with something like hope in his eyes.
"Maybe you're right, Olivia."
"You did all you could."
"I did all I could." Olivia looked at her watch.
"It's getting late," she said, beginning to stand. She lost her balance, swaying slightly on her feet. Brian noticed it.
"You can't drive," he said, concerned.
"I'll take the subway," she offered. Brian shook his head.
"Let's walk back to my place. I'll call you a cab," he stated firmly. She nodded. He helped her with her coat and took her arm as they left.
Outside, the air was frigid. Car windows were starting to frost over and the sidewalk was getting slippery. Olivia had to work very hard not to fall. She felt numb, deliciously numb. She leaned against Brian for support. Luckily, his apartment was close by. When they stepped into the lobby they both had red cheeks and noses from the cold. He helped her into the elevator.
"Thanks, Brian. I appreciate this."
"No problem, Olivia." He was smiling at her in such a way as made her slightly nervous. She couldn't quite place the feeling. They got off at his floor. His door was right across from the elevator. He opened the door and flicked on the lights.
"Sorry it's a bit of a mess," he said, "Have a seat." He gestured to the blue checked couch in the living room. "Can I get you some coffee?"
"Great, thanks." Olivia wandered around the room. Everything seemed very tasteful and homey. Very un-Brian. She wondered if his mother had picked out his things. His mother, or an old girlfriend. She realized she knew very little about Brian Cassidy. She picked up a photo on the bookshelf. It showed Brian and a blonde woman standing in front of a pond.
"What are you looking at?" Brian asked, coming up behind her.
"Girlfriend?" she asked, showing him the picture.
"No!" he exclaimed hastily. "Sister." He took the picture from her. Their hands met. Without even realizing what she was doing, Olivia leaned in to kiss him, pushing her lips against his. He responded, opening his warm mouth to her. He brought a hand around to cradle the back of her head. She ran her hands down his chest and began to unbutton his shirt. Her hands were shaky with the buttons. Brian pulled back and looked into her eyes with a kind of longing.
"Olivia…" he said with uncertainty.
"Shhh," she replied, pulling his shirt off him.
"Are you sure you want to do this?"
"Yes." She stopped his mouth with another kiss and felt him relent. He took her hand and led her to the bedroom. On the way she managed to pull off her shirt and bra. Brian closed the door behind her and stood for a minute, looking at her as she peeled off the rest of her clothes. He groaned low in his throat.
"Olivia, you are so beautiful," he breathed. She didn't answer, only moved back to him to undo his belt. He seemed almost afraid to touch her as she pulled off his pants and underwear.
"Touch me," she said. Then, in almost a whisper, "I need to forget." He tilted her chin up and kissed her again, softly. He peppered her face and neck with light kisses. His hands trailed lightly over her skin, moving up her arms, over her shoulders, into her hair. When she could no longer stand it, she backed him up so he sat on the bed. She reached down and took his length into her hands, feeling it harden further. Then she pushed him back so he lay down and climbed on top of him.
"Wait," he said, reaching to the bedside table. He grabbed a condom out of the drawer and slipped it on as quickly as possible.
Olivia took control, lowering herself onto him. As she pushed him inside of her, he groaned with pleasure.
"Olivia," he gasped. She felt an overwhelming urge to crawl inside of him, to press herself so tightly against him that she would dissolve into him like ice melting on hot pavement. As good as she felt being filled in this way, the images of the victims were filling her mind again.
"Please," she says in a thin whisper, "make me forget." All of a sudden, Brian rolled them over so he was on top. He pushed inside of her, kissing her hot on the mouth. Olivia could feel Brian's heart beating wildly in his chest and she concentrated on that pulse. She felt tension building low in her belly and she gripped his shoulders with her nails, wrapped her legs around his waist. She could tell he was struggling to hold on, his control slipping.
"Please, please," she asked again, not sure to whom she was talking. He came with a low moan and she felt his body tense and shudder. His muscles seemed to soften and relax as he pulled himself out of her and collapsed beside her on the bed, sighing with pleasure. He shut his eyes. When he opened them again, Olivia was already asleep.
Brian smiled at her, covered her with the blanket. He kissed her on the forehead and lay back down.
When her pager woke her up the next morning, her first thought was, Fuck. What happened? She had a splitting headache and acid was burning her esophagus. Her next thought was, How do I get out of this?
Not without hurting Brian.
She gave him a peck on the cheek and climbed out of bed quickly. He asked her to wait, but she just couldn't. She thought of things she might tell him.
Look, Brian. It's not you, it's me.
We were lonely, I was drunk. It didn't mean anything.
Let's just be friends.
Months later, her friend who worked Robbery called her "insane" for passing up a chance with Brian Cassidy.
"Well it doesn't matter anymore, he asked for a transfer."
"You won't get that chance again, girl."
"I was drunk. It didn't mean anything."
Unfortunately, that wasn't entirely true.
