Chapter 16
Confusion
Sierra awoke slowly, groaning as her head thumped out a rhythm she wanted to ignore.
Being awake hurt.
Rolling out of bed with a heavy sigh, Sierra stumbled to the bathroom and washed her face. She even managed to brush her teeth, thinking vaguely that she was glad that she was off for the week. She didn't even want to leave her apartment. She hadn't as much as stepped a foot outside her door in the two days since she'd been home.
She wasn't sure if she was angrier at Toga for not telling her, more upset that Sesshoumaru had managed to run her off, at least before she got a chance to tell Toga what she thought of his 'secret', more betrayed that he had flat-out lied to her about Fujiko, or sadder that Toga hadn't trusted her enough to tell her, to start with.
'Would you have believed him?'
She winced. No, she wouldn't have. How could she? She had stopped believing in Santa Claus a long time ago. She'd stopped believing in pots of gold at the end of rainbows, in unicorns, and even in 'happily ever afters' . . . at least, she had until she met Toga. Somehow he'd made her think that the 'happily ever after' might be possible. 'I was so wrong . . . .'
Wandering out of the bathroom and heading toward the refrigerator, Sierra glanced at the answering machine in passing. The digital display told her that there were fifty messages waiting for her. How many would there have been if the machine held more than fifty? 'Toga . . . why didn't you tell me?' 'For some reason, the knowledge that he had filled her answering machine hurt even more, and she blinked back sudden tears as she hit the 'delete all' button without listening to a single message.
'He's just like Allan,' she thought as she grabbed a container of orange juice and broke on of her self-imposed rules by drinking straight from the carton. 'Just like him, and I . . . I hate him . . . .' Stubbornly blinking back tears, Sierra tried to ignore the other voice that whispered in the back of her mind. 'You don't hate him . . . and you know you don't . . . .'
Maybe that was the problem. After all this, she couldn't hate him, and maybe that was what hurt the most.
Slamming the orange juice down on the table as she pushed the refrigerator closed with her foot, Sierra shook her head. "Come on, Sie. You can't spend the rest of your life hiding . . . ."
With a sigh, she dragged a weary hand over her face and shuffled over to the suitcase she left just inside the door.
It didn't take long to unpack. Hanging up the clothes she hadn't worn took less than five minutes. Grabbing out the stack of panties and bras to stuff them back into her drawer, Sierra frowned as a slip of paper fell out of her clothes. She put away the clothes before she stooped to retrieve the paper. Fine linen stationery greeted her, and she slowly unfolded it. Another paper fell into her lap but she didn't read it right away. Staring incredulously at the fine scrawl on the paper, she shook her head slowly.
Ms. Crawford:
Enclosed is reimbursement for your inconvenience.
S. Inutaisho.
A sense of foreboding flooded over Sierra as she slowly lifted the fallen bit of paper. Eyes rounding incredulously as she stared at the check, she let her head fall back as near-hysterical laughter spilled from her lips.
'Five hundred thousand dollars . . . ? So is that what it's worth for him to get rid of me . . . ?'
--0--0--0--0--0--
Toga stared at the phone with a scowl. 'Do you really think she'll answer this time?'
He winced. No . . . no, he really didn't.
'Damn you, Father . . . what have you done?'
Then again, he had to allow that he should have told Sierra, himself, but his mother was right. How was he supposed to tell her something as big as that? How to explain to her that he wasn't actually human?
Still, his father shouldn't have done what he did, either. Somehow he had to get her to listen.
She was the one, and if he hadn't known it already, he did now. There was no doubt in his mind that Sierra, with her gentle laughter, her smile that lit her entire being, was the one that he wanted to be with.
The phone rang, and for a heart-stopping moment, Toga thought maybe it was Sierra. When he saw the number on the caller ID, he sighed but answered it anyway. "Hello?"
"Toga! You left so suddenly . . . are you okay?"
He smiled wanly at the sound of his aunt's concerned voice. Of all his relatives, she was the one he'd always known could give him the best advice . . . . She was the one he trusted. "Tell me how to fix this?"
"Aww . . . she won't listen?"
Toga shook his head. "No, she won't, and I . . . I don't know how to get her to want to."
"That's the key, right? Making her want to listen . . . . I wish I had some answers for you. Maybe you should try to remind her why she wanted to be with you, in the beginning."
"This would be so much easier if I were human . . . even half human . . . ."
"Ah, now there's one I've not heard before. You wish you were hanyou?"
Toga shrugged. "No one told Uncle Yasha he couldn't be with a human."
Kagome sighed. "Sweetie, your Uncle Yasha had a whole host of other problems. Life isn't easy, but if you're meant to be with Sierra, then you'll find a way to make her listen to you. You're no different now than you were before she knew of your lineage."
"I wish I believed you."
"You don't have to believe me. Just give it time."
"Thanks."
"I've got to go. It's almost time for InuYasha to get home, and I've not started dinner yet . . . but if you need me for anything, just call, okay?"
"All right."
"I love you, Toga."
He smiled slightly. "You, too."
Dropping the phone onto the charger with a heavy breath, Toga tried to will it to ring again. It didn't work.
'Feh. Pathetic . . . look what you've been reduced to . . . .' With an inward wince, Toga wandered off to take a shower.
Torturing himself with the hottest shower he could stand, Toga stood under the tap until the heat faded and the tepid stream turned cold. Steam still lingered in the bathroom as he draped a towel around his hips and tucked the ends together.
Using another towel to squeeze as much moisture out of his hair as he could, Toga wiped the mirror off with his free hand. It clouded back over within moments. Personally, he preferred Uncle Yasha's habit of shaking off the excess water. Kagura, however, wasn't fond of that, so Toga had gotten used to using a towel instead.
A dull thud made Toga stop and listen. Opening the bathroom door only to be hit by the sudden blast of cooler air, he winced but was galvanized into action when another knock sounded on the door.
Wrinkling his nose to get rid of the scent of the soap, Toga realized too late that he couldn't smell much of anything. With a snort, he swung open the door and stepped back in surprise. "S-Sierra?"
Her eyes were absolutely blazing with angry fire. She waved a bit of paper in front of his face so fast that he couldn't discern it. She evidently thought he should know what it was. Her voice trembled with rage when she spoke. "You . . . you . . . jerk! I thought you were different! I thought . . . . Take this!" she bellowed, shoving the paper into Toga's hand. "Take it, and tell your father to shove it up his . . . nose!"
Toga didn't even look at the slip of paper she gave him. She whirled around on her heel to leave. Toga grabbed her wrist. "Sierra, please . . . just listen . . . don't go."
She stopped but didn't look back at him. Shoulders slumping as her head bent forward, she shook her head slowly. "Why, Toga? Why didn't you tell me you were engaged?"
"Come again?"
She bit out an incredulous laugh followed by a sniffle as she lifted her free hand to wipe her cheeks. Toga winced. "Your father said that you're engaged . . . to that woman . . . or whatever she is . . . ." Turning her head to glance over her shoulder at him, Sierra's eyes were brimming with tears that hadn't fallen. "What are you?"
Toga nearly whined. He closed his eyes for a moment and shook his head. "I'm not engaged. My father was trying to scare you . . . and I should have protected you from him. I'm sorry I failed." He willed himself to let go of her, and as his hand dropped away, Toga turned, leaning back against the door. "You deserve someone who can protect you . . . someone who won't hurt you."
She slowly faced him, her gaze penetrating, intense. "Can I ask you one question?"
He nodded miserably as he crumpled the paper tighter in his hand.
"Why didn't you tell me? About what you are?"
He shrugged. "I wanted to . . . Father warned me, after Lily, that I shouldn't tell humans. He said that they don't understand." His gaze shifted to stare at her. She was looking at the floor, arms crossed protectively over her stomach. Her hair spilled over her shoulders in gentle waves, and despite the distinct redness on her nose, Toga was certain he'd never see a more beautiful woman in his life. He swallowed hard and cleared his throat as emotion rose to choke him, as he felt her slipping away. She didn't trust him, and that tore his soul wide open. "I thought . . . if I didn't tell you . . . I thought he wouldn't be able to hurt you . . . . I thought he'd leave you alone."
She shook her head slowly, drawing a deep breath, releasing it in a gust of a sigh. "Toga . . . ."
"Maybe a part of me thought I could hide it . . . it's funny. I was never ashamed of being youkai until I saw the lengths my father's gone to, to try to keep me from being with a human."
She lifted her chin just a little; he could feel her gazing at him through the thick fringe of her eyelashes---eyelashes that were still damp from her tears.
Leaning in the doorway as he stared at her, unable to do a thing to help her, unable to stop the flow of raw pain that radiated off her in vicious waves, Toga shook his head. "If there were any way . . . if I thought I could do it . . . . I'd give it all up for you."
That brought her face up the rest of the way. The tears she'd been struggling to hold back spilled over. He winced. "Don't cry . . . please . . . ."
She tried to stop. It made her cry harder. Slowly, hesitantly, he held out his hand to her. She stared at it for a few moments then took it, letting him pull her inside the apartment before he closed the door.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled as she let him pull her into his arms. "I'll tell you whatever you want to know, just please don't cry."
"Just . . . don't keep things from me," she told him, her voice muffled by his body. "Just . . . hold me."
Toga let out his breath in a rush of relief. "All right," he agreed, unsure which he was agreeing to. In the end, he supposed he meant both. "All right."
It took several minutes before Sierra managed to stop sobbing. Toga did the only thing he could do, holding her and trying to reassure her through the gesture that he was there.
When she finally leaned away, she offered him a trembling smile with her eyes still full of tears. Gently, he wiped her cheeks with his thumbs and kissed her forehead. She gasped suddenly and jerked away from him as her cheeks reddened and her eyes skittered away. "Oh, God, I forgot . . . I didn't . . . ."
Toga frowned then glanced down. "I'll . . . get dressed," he mumbled quickly as he hurried past her, down the hallway to his bedroom. His own face was hot with color. He'd forgotten that he was only wearing the towel, himself . . . .
'Baka! Bet that looked good . . .' he thought with a mental snort. 'Baka, baka, baka!'
As he reached for some pants, he frowned at the paper in his hand. He'd forgotten he had it. Carefully smoothing it, his eyes narrowed as he stared at the writing he knew too well. A low growl welled up in him, escalating in both volume and rage as he strode over and slammed the paper onto his dresser. 'Damn him . . . .'
Dragging on a pair of jeans and a cream colored long sleeved knit shirt, Toga made a face and left the three neck buttons open before heading back out to the living room. Sierra had removed her coat but still stood, leaning against the sofa. "He tried to pay you off?" Toga asked, barely containing the rage in his voice.
She nodded slowly then shook her head. "The note I found with it in my bag said that it was for 'reimbursement'."
He clenched his jaw closed, fighting to contain the encompassing anger that turned his stomach. Unconsciously flexing his fingers, Toga didn't realize that his disguise was losing its power of concealment, forgot that he'd always been told that the spell couldn't hold if he were to be close to losing control of his temper. Reaching for the phone, his hand moving in a blur of movement as Sierra gasped softly, Toga dialed his father's number and loosened his hold on the phone before it crumbled in his hand.
"Inutaisho Sesshoumaru's office."
"Get me my father. Now."
The secretary paused a moment. "Mr. Inutaisho is currently in a meeting . . . would you like to leave a message?"
"I don't give a fuck if he's in the middle of his own funeral. Get him now."
Another pause. "Please hold."
Unable to stave back the low growl as the tinny sounds of Muzac filled his ears, Toga drummed his claws---now very prevalent---against the table.
"I assume this could not wait, Toga?"
"No, Father, it couldn't. What the fuck did you think you were doing? It wasn't enough that you paid off Lily's father to move her out of my life, you thought you'd do the same to Sierra?"
"Is that what she told you? I assure you, I was simply---"
"Simply fucking around in my life for the last damn time, Father! I've had enough of your meddling! Find yourself another pup to serve you because This Toga is finished!"
Toga never heard the rest of whatever Sesshoumaru started to say. With a pitiful crack, the receiver broke into pieces and fell out of his hand.
Glancing up at Sierra when she gasped, Toga was horrified to see her, hands covering her mouth, absolute terror on her face. "Your eyes," she mumbled, "they're . . . red . . . ."
Her words were enough to shock him out of part of his anger. Blinking suddenly, Toga glanced into the mirror above the table and closed his eyes against the sight of his own glowing red eyes. He forced himself to draw a few deep breaths. When he looked again, his eyes were normal.
Afraid to look at her, afraid to see her fear, Toga slowly peeked over his shoulder. Her fear was gone, replaced by confusion. "What happened to you?" she asked softly.
"This is how I normally look. I'm a dog youkai."
She shook her head. "No . . . I meant . . . your eyes. I didn't recognize your eyes."
"Do you trust me?"
Sierra considered that question for a moment. Finally she nodded. "I do . . . when I recognize your eyes."
Toga stalked back to his bedroom to retrieve Mokomoko-sama before he dragged on his shoes and grabbed his coat. "Come on. I've got something to show you . . . just remember. I swore I'd protect you. I won't hurt you."
Sierra nodded slowly and shrugged on her coat before following him out of the apartment.
--0--0--0--0--0--
"So what's this thing you want to show me?" Sierra asked as she hopped out of the SUV. Since she'd spent the entire hour long trip snuggling with Toga's Mokomoko-sama, she was still holding it in her arms.
He chuckled when he saw her, still cuddling the fur against her cheek. Sierra was glad to see him smile again. "I need that," Toga remarked as he held his hand out for the furry piece.
Sierra frowned but handed it over. "What are you going to do?"
"I don't want you to be afraid of me. Just . . . I want you to see what I . . . what I can be."
The confusion in her eyes was evident. Toga strode away to the center of the field as he tossed Mokomoko-sama over his shoulder. The empty land was perfect, surrounded by high trees that blocked everything from view. He'd only done this once before. If he wasn't angry it was mentally exhausting to do it. In this case, though . . . .
Closing his eyes, Toga concentrated on his form. Willing himself to change, he felt a cold sweat break out on his forehead. The strange, disjointed feeling surged in his veins, he could feel himself stretching, growing, mutating. His senses shifted. His throat changed. The ability to speak was replaced by a heightening sense of smell, of hearing. He discerned Sierra's sharp gasp. A rippling along his spine as Mokomoko-sama merged with him to create a thick mane, a long line of fur that coated his back and ended in a huge bushy tail.
Toga opened his eyes as the tingling died away. It had taken only seconds. It had felt like so much longer.
Spotting Sierra smashed back against the vehicle, Toga uttered a soft whine that still managed to bend a few nearby trees. Thought was more difficult in this form, more abstract, more instinctual.
'Mate,' mumbled the mind of the youkai. 'Toga mate . . . .'
Padding toward her, head lowered as he stared curiously at the diminutive human, the youkai nudged her with his cold, wet nose. She shrieked, pushing herself up on the SUV, using her feet to push herself back against the window in her frantic effort to get away from him. 'Mate fear . . . smell fear . . . .' Drawing back, he cocked his head to the side, ears quirking as he regarded the small human. One of his paws was larger than the vehicle she cowered on. He uttered a soft wuffing noise. She flinched.
The youkai sat on his haunches, raised his right paw to wave at her, beckoning her to recognize him. Nose filled with the scent of her terror, he growled low, growled at himself. 'Calm fear . . . no fear Toga . . . .'
She gasped and scooted off the vehicle and grabbed the door handle as she tried to yank it open. The youkai reacted, unwilling to let her escape. Lowering his head to rub against her, he watched as she screamed again and threw her hands over her head in a wholly protective gesture.
Moving slowly, as though the youkai knew he would frighten her if he did not, the great black dog backed away, sank down, legs stretched out, and he laid his muzzle on his paws with a wailing sigh, a mournful sound. 'Mate afraid . . . not fear . . . Toga . . . .'
Lifting his head, gazing sadly at her, the youkai did the only thing he knew to do, the thing Sierra might understand. Rolling over onto his back, poised with his legs drawn up, his tail tucked between his legs, he stared at her, willed her to understand what he couldn't say.
"Ah," Sierra breathed, recognizing the show of submission for what it was. Slowly reaching out as she pushed herself away from the vehicle, she came forward. He whined.
Her touch was halting, wary. Stroking the fur on his face, near his ears before she gained a little more courage and sank her fingers into the thicker fur of his ruff, Sierra's eyes widened as a sense of understanding seemed to dawn on her. "So this is why . . . ."
And then she laughed.
A/N:
Final Thought from Sierra:
What a big puppy!
Blanket disclaimer for this fanfic (will apply to this and all other chapters in Defiance): I do not claim any rights to InuYasha or the characters associated with the anime/manga. Those rights belong to Rumiko Takahashi, et al. I do offer my thanks to her for creating such vivid characters for me to terrorize.
Sue
