AGAIN

Chapter Three: All Apologies

Suze

One thing I can say about Paul:

He's persistent as hell.

Not that I didn't know that already. I mean, the guy had blackmailed into marring him, I was pretty sure he will do something to get me back once I slipped out of his grasp. That's something I never quite understood about Paul: why he wanted me so bad?

He wasn't giving up on me, he called me each day; sometimes he was nice and said he missed me at home and I, idiotic as it sounds, felt good when he did say that, like back when we were teenagers and I was glad to know he wanted me when I thought Jesse didn't. But other days he would say he was tired of my games and that I should "bring my bony ass back to OUR house or else…" when he said that there was such menace in his voice that I remembered why I feared him so.

Still, the question I could never really answer when it came to Paul was: Why?

Why

That's a question that is always deeper than its answer.

Why Paul wanted to posses my body and my soul? Why for five years I let him do just that? Why I felt so weak? Why this was so hard? Why did it hurt so much?

My therapist – I had started going to therapy per my mother's request after the first week I spent at home, when I was either crying my eyes out or staring into space with a blank look on my face. – said that though my conscious self knew Paul was bad for me, the part of me that loved him wasn't ready to let go.

I wanted to tell her that I didn't love and never really had loved Paul… but somehow I doubted she would understand.

Then I tried to explain how I felt to Father Dom – whom I also saw once a week, a suggestion from Doc when he saw that normal therapy wasn't working quite as well as it should. And Father Dominic said that, even when I denied it, I did felt something for Paul and that I needed to accept those feelings, and the puppet-Suze I had been for the last few years, so I could forgive Paul and forgive myself and finally move on.

"Though you can't see it right now, Susannah," Father Dominic said. "You are the type of person who can't be forced into anything. Whatever Paul did to you was because you allowed it."

First I had wanted to protest that, saying that Father D. didn't know how it was to live with Paul and all that… but deep down I knew he was right. Jesse himself had told me so once: "Paul only keeps saying this stuff because he knows they upset you and then you pay attention to him." That's what Jesse had said… sort of, I think…

Anyway… this was the realization that set me free: If I had given Paul so much power over me then I was also capable of taking it back. True, saying was way easier than doing but… I was trying.

I followed Doc's advice of taking everything one day at a time. I got a job working for Cee Cee, I was starting to eat again and things were looking up, slowly but well, Rome wasn't built in one day. I had some bad days during which I came very close to going back to Paul… but I also had good days in which I didn't worry myself with finding someone to blame.

About six weeks after keeping my marriage in hiatus I finally reached a decision about it.

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Jesse

I wasn't really expecting to see her.

Six weeks had passed and I still hadn't have news of her. Not that I was expecting them, news I mean. I wouldn't have blamed Susannah if she had chosen never to speak to me again. We hadn't exactly clarified things between us.

But one day, out of nowhere, she showed up at the Hospital.

I was clearing the board; I had just dismissed a patient and was thinking which one to take next when I heard her voice.

"If you're sick you gotta make line." Caitlin was telling her.

"No, I'm not sick. I'm just looking for Jesse De Silva." Susannah answered.

"Doctor De Silva!" Caitlin yelled at me… she thinks I'm a heartbreaker just because, in the past, some of my female patients have… lets say, shown interest in me.

"Susannah," I said, taking a good look at her. She had gained weight and looked more or less okay; this Susannah looked more like the one I knew.

"Hi!" She said in a squeal, as if I had startled her. "Um… I was just in the neighborhood and I thought to swing by." She said.

"Swing by?"

"Yeah, I was wondering…" I looked at her expectantly. "How's Spike?"

"Spike?"

"Yes, you know… orange-y, one eared cat?"

"You mean that ugly thing Jesse used to call a cat?" Jeremy asked; he likes to just jump into conversations. "He died last year…" and then proceeded to describe to Susannah how Spike passed away.

"Thanks Jerry." I said before he launched into a description of the funeral. "Susannah, this is Jeremy Daniels. Jerry, this is Susannah. Were you saying you just wanted to swing by?"

"Um… yes, wondering if we could talk."

"Talk?" I wanted to but I didn't want at the same time. "I'm on service."

"Oh, why don't you take your lunch break? I'll cover for you if there's an emergency." Jerry said.

And so, five minutes later, Susannah and I were "talking" in the cafeteria across the street from the hospital.

Actually, I was pouring ketchupdown my burger and Susannah was poking her Cesar Salad with a fork. Neither of us was talking.

"Um…sorry about Spike." She said after a while.

"Well, he was old. I've been meaning to get a new cat… just haven't got around actually doing it."

"I'm getting a pet too, when I move to my new place."

"You moving?"

"Yes, I just… I've never really been on my own, you know? I went from my parents to Paul and then back to my parents… so I talked to mom, and Andy helped me to find a place downtown, it's little, crappy and it could really use a coat of paint… but is what I can pay right now so it's cool."

"You aren't getting back with Slater?"

"No. I'm going to file for divorce. That's why I was in the neighborhood actually, Adam hooked my up with this lawyer friend of his, and he has his office a few streets from here. I went to see him –His name is Michael Hertz - but he was busy and his secretary told me to get back there later… and I thought about coming here, to tank you… for, you know, last time." She was babbling.

"I'm the one who should be thanking you." I said, turning serious. "You know about what…"

"Oh. How did you…?"

"Jack told me. I was paying a visit to Father Dominic at the Mission and I ran into him. He was worried about you and told me what you did; Jack thought I might be able to do something about it."

"Yes, Jack told his parents he wanted to go high school here at the Mission; he's been living with his grandpa."

"You're avoiding the topic at hand." I pointed out.

"No, I'm not. I was just saying." She said indignantly. "Besides, it doesn't matter. I did what I did, that's it. I hope you have been happy. That's all."

"I am Happy." I told her because I thought it was important for her to know.

"Good." She said with a bright smile. Then she looked away, "You know? I thought I would feel happier… when I finally decided to divorce Paul… I thought I would feel happier…. But I don't."

I frowned. "Meaning? I thought you would feel happy to get rid of Satan."

She still wasn't looking at me. "I thought so too." She said. "But Paul was my husband for five years… he was part of me and not ALL times were bad with him. I don't think I love him or that I ever did… but there were times when I wondered if I could love him and the answer was yes, I could have loved him if I had tried. I just… didn't want to risk it. And that just made things worse on me. Paul wasn't bad to me until he realized that I didn't love him and probably never would."

My scowl deepened as she kept talking. "Paul can be real sweet when he wants to be, and funny too, he tried to make me love him… truthfully, that was his only flaw, he tried too much."

"I sincerely doubt that was his only flaw." I said sardonically.

"But you don't know that. A marriage is between two people, and only they know what's really going on."

Okay, that was more information than what I wanted. "Well, then." I said and was about to get up and leave but something stopped me. I looked at her and I knew that she was right; I didn't know how her life had been the past five years just as she didn't know how my own life had been.

But now, somehow, we were both sitting there. "Are you alright?" I asked, because that was the only thing that mattered.

Susannah shook her head, "No, I'm very certain that I'm not alright." She said. "But I will be."

I don't know why I did it but I reached out and placed my hand over hers, she finally turned to look at me. "I know you will be." I said. "As a friend, I have faith in you."

She looked down at our hands and then up to me again, maybe I shouldn't said the word "friend" but then she smiled, just barely but still, "As a friend, I appreciate it."

I let go of her hand. "Okay, friend, fill me in. What's going on with you?" I said while leaning back in my chair, sure Jerry could cover me up for a few minutes more.

"Well, Cee Cee, you remember her, is editor of this magazine for girls and she gave me a job writing the advice column… it's called 'Simon Says'. And I'm going to paint my new, crappy apartment this weekend…"

And just like that… we were friends again… sort of.

And somehow, by the time she finally went to meet with her lawyer, I had agreed to help her with the painting job.

Now, all I had to do was keep my girlfriend from finding out…

End of Chapter Three.


Notes from the crazy author who is wearing a Christmas hat and jumping all around her house singing "Jingle bells, Slater smells, Jesse all the way! :

clears throat

SQUIRRELL!!!!

Okay, I needed to get that out!

What else, what else? Oh, yeah. TWILIGHT IS GOING TO ROCK!!!!

Anyway, here you have it; I hope you still like this.

Next chapter Paul is getting a bit nasty when he finds out that Suze is going to divorce him… and then things get out of control.

Oh, and Sherry – Jesse's girlfriend – isn't happy either… also… Mike Hertz was mentioned for a reason.

Thanks for all the reviews!

You guys ROCK!!!

R/R

Crazy, lovable me

Clavie.