Disclaimer: see 1 for disclaimer.
2
5
By Random1377
"Could you please pass the salt?"
"Yeah… sure."
Barely glancing up to make sure his hand was moving the right way, Shinji reached out and picked up the salt shaker, thrusting it somewhere in the direction of the voice that had asked for it.
"Thanks."
"Sure."
Moving his dinner around on his plate, Shinji stole a glance at Bella. She feels it too, he thought miserably. God I hate this… Hesitantly, he lifted his head, raising his eyes until Hikari's face came into view – then quickly jerking them back down to face the table as he found her quickly looking away. Looks like her lip finally healed.
He shivered. Four days had passed with agonizing slowness since his and Hikari's disastrous kiss. Talking to her had proven useless, as for the first two days she simply refused to acknowledge that anything had happened, acting falsely bright and overly cheerful, but for the last two, she had been distant and edgy, leaving the room as soon as he came in and murmuring one-word replies to anything he said.
Asking to have him pass the salt was probably the longest interactive question she had posed, post-kiss.
Deciding to press his luck a little, Shinji ventured, "So, umm, Asuka's in our class, now."
"I know," Hikari replied listlessly, "someone told me."
Stupid, Shinji winced as Hikari excused herself. God, I'm so stupid!
Mentioning school was a big mistake.
Hikari was no longer class representative.
"Finish up," she told Bella flatly, scraping most of her own dinner into the garbage, "it's bed time."
I'm sorry, Shinji thought miserably, nodding as Bella looked to him for confirmation of Hikari's instruction – a habit that drove the older girl to the point of insanity. I… I didn't even think of it.
He had been the one that had to tell Hikari that she was no longer representing class 2-A. They had been alternating going to school from day to day, but when the teacher had decided to elect a new representative, based on Hikari's current obligations and lack of time, it had been Shinji's day.
And he had not even raised his hand when the teacher had asked if anyone had any objections.
God, I'm selfish.
It did not matter that much if he HAD objected, he knew, as there was no way the teacher would let Hikari be a mother AND the class rep, but Shinji felt that he should have at least tried. And based on the steadily increasing tension in the small apartment, Hikari felt the same.
Misato, he was sure, grasped the undercurrents of discontent on the home front, and had chosen to confront it by not confronting it – meaning that since the return from Unit 02's retrieval, the woman had only been home long enough to sleep and shower.
Shinji could not blame her. It was not her burden, after all, and-
"She's not a burden," he whispered under his breath, giving Bella a forced smile as she shoveled a last bite of food into her mouth and slid sinuously out of her booster seat.
With a sigh, he let his false smile go, watching the little girl shuffle off towards the bathroom. Bella was never enthusiastic about having Hikari bathe her, but Shinji really was not comfortable with doing it himself. Being in the room when she used the toilet was awkward enough, but he felt that actually touching the little girl would be wholly inappropriate.
He had done it a couple times, of course, when there was no one there to help him, but he was always very careful to keep a washcloth between his hand and her body, and if there was ANY way he could avoid doing it – even if it meant that Bella had to go a day or two without – he took it.
I guess I shouldn't be THAT freaked out about it, he told himself, starting to clean up the remains of their dinner, I mean, until Officer Kokobunji finds a better home for her… I'm her father, pretty much. Right?
Placing the dishes carefully in the sink, he turned on the hot water, plugging the basin and squirting a liberal dose of dish soap into it, his eyes going hazy as he stared into the gathering bubbles.
It'll get easier, right? he asked himself, tuning the world out and focusing on this idea. We just need some time, that's all. Once things settle down, me and Hikari will get everything worked out, Misato will be able to come home and relax instead of hiding wherever she's hiding these days, and Bella will be happy – and then, I'll bet it won't be that long, either, they'll find a place where she can live permanently, and maybe we'll even be able to visit someti-
"What are you doing??"
Shinji jumped, startled from his reverie by Hikari's sharp question. "Wha – oh no!!"
Water was spilling freely over the lip of the sink, pouring down the front of the cabinets to pool at his feet, spreading across the floor at a leisurely, unhurried pace. Panicking, Shinji drove his hand into the water, searching for the plug for a moment… then yanking his arm back with a pained yelp.
"Have you lost your mind?!" Hikari cried, hurrying to his side and swinging the sink's faucet over to the unused basin. "Here," she said quickly, turning the tap all the way to cold, "put your hand under that."
Shinji flinched as she carefully took his arm and guided it under the running water. Slowly, the pain subsided; fading into a faint ache as Hikari gently moved his hand back and forth under the tap. After a few moments, Shinji gradually became aware of how quiet everything was, and how close Hikari was standing to him. He glanced at her profile, taking the opportunity to study her unobserved as she examined his slightly pink skin.
She really was a pretty girl, he decided. Her face – attentive and concerned at that moment – was open and kind, and her dark brown eyes always seemed to be on the edge of crinkling with laughter. In short, she was definitely the kind of girl Shinji could fall for… if only their situation was not as complicated as it was.
Before he could look away, Hikari glanced up, catching his eye.
They stared into each other's eyes for several moments, both of them dropping their guard and fully seeing one another as the water continued to pour unchecked over Shinji's hand.
"I'm sorry you have to live like this," Shinji whispered without preamble.
Hikari shook her head without breaking eye contact. "It was my choice," she reminded him softly, "I'm managing."
You're so brave, Shinji thought, wishing suddenly that she would try to kiss him again.
Finally looking away, Hikari reached over and turned off the water. "I need a clean washcloth," she said awkwardly, blushing faintly at the look in Shinji's eyes, "are there any in here?"
Swallowing to banish the dryness in his throat, Shinji reached into one of the drawers and pulled out a small, red washcloth. "Here."
"Are there any bigger ones?" Hikari asked. "Bella's got jelly in her hair."
Shinji frowned. "Why not just use your hands?" he wondered.
The warmness that had been growing between them slowly dissipated, and Hikari took a step back from him. "She's not my child, Shinji," she said quietly, "it's not right for me to touch her."
When echoed back to him, Shinji's own concern suddenly sounded disturbingly like an excuse. "It's ok to touch her hair," he said, rubbing his hand absently, "she-"
"Not for me," Hikari cut in, her voice sharper than she had intended. "Sorry," she muttered, "look, she's not mine, Shinji, and I don't like touching her… it feels wrong – so do you have a bigger washcloth or not?"
Silently, Shinji reached into the drawer and pulled out a hand towel, offering it out to Hikari with a carefully blank expression. As she took it from him, Hikari's fingers brushed his, but there was no spark, as there always was in the teen dramas Shinji had watched when no one was looking. There was nothing there but cool skin against his, and in that moment he knew that there was no chance for him and Hikari to have anything even vaguely resembling a normal relationship.
"Thanks," Hikari murmured, turning away and heading back into the bathroom without another word.
Standing in a pool of spilled water, Shinji could not help but wonder how long it would be before something gave way in their awkward, pressure-filled relationship. With a sigh, he knelt down and began moping up the water with the washcloth Hikari had deemed too small.
Right around the time he decided that she was right, his cell phone began ringing.
- - - - -
"Name and rank?"
"Hikari Ikari – Pilot's spouse."
The security guard glanced down at his list of authorized personnel and frowned. "And the child?"
Feeling cold sweat trickle down her back, Hikari gave the street behind her a fearful look. "She's my daughter," she said nervously, trying to remember the phrasing she was supposed to use. "Umm, I mean, Belladonna Averson – Pilot's child."
"IDs?"
Fumbling in her pocket, Hikari managed to dig out the cards Shinji had pressed into her hand. "Here," she said quickly, thrusting them out to the man, "can we go inside now?!"
"Just a second," the guard said, sounding bored.
Come on! Hikari wanted to scream. Don't you hear the alarm!? This was supposed to be a special shelter – let me in, goddamnit!!
Finally, the guard handed the cards back to her and made a tick on his clipboard. "Go ahead, Misses Ikari," he said calmly, waving her through.
"Come on," Hikari said, grabbing Bella's hand and yanking her towards the doors to the shelter.
"Want Rei," the little girl mumbled, dragging her feet as she was pulled along.
Hikari grimaced. "Well, she's not here," she hissed, "come – OH!"
She gasped as the ground under her feet shook, a dull boom echoing off the tall buildings all around her and rolling like thunder through the deserted streets.
"The angel has entered the city," the walkie-talkie on the guard's belt squawked, making Hikari cringe. "No, wait – angels, target has divided, repeat: target has divided. Unit 02 appears to be down, Unit 01 – status unknown. Evacuate all non-combat personnel IMMEDIATELY, priority one – repeat-"
Hikari did not wait to hear the rest. She scooped Bella into her arms and sprinted into the shelter as fast as she could, her hair streaming out behind her as the bored looking guard rose to his feet and began shouting orders.
"Everyone inside – INSIDE! Come on, hurry up! Do you want to die here? THEN HURRY UP!!"
Sobbing, Hikari threw herself into the corner furthest from the door. "Oh God," she gasped, clutching Bella tight to her chest, "please let us be ok."
An explosion, much closer this time, rocked the building, drawing startled shouts from everyone around her. Dimly, Hikari was aware of someone screaming, "It's too late! Shut the doors – they'll have to fend for themselves."
Oh God, she thought frantically, Oh God, oh God – that could have been us! We could have been stuck out there!!
She was aware, suddenly, that Bella was squirming to get free. "No, baby," she said quickly, "stay with me – just stay with me."
"Yet doh," Bella grunted, struggling harder. "Huwting."
Hikari lightened her grip, but did not let go. "Stop it," she said, trying her best to stay calm as the shelter's enormous blast doors swung ponderously shut. "Bella – STOP IT!"
But the little girl kept moving, plucking at Hikari's fingers as she muttered, "Want down."
"Not NOW," Hikari hissed, "damn it!"
With a surge of anger, she opened her arms, letting the girl tumble to the floor.
Instantly, shame washed over her. "S-sorry," she stammered, holding her arms out as the shelter shuddered.
Bella got up, not bothering to brush herself off as she stuck her thumb in her mouth. "Wei," she said simply, "want Wei."
"She isn't here," Hikari retorted immediately, "get over here, right now – it's not safe here."
It's not safe anywhere, she thought frantically, pressing herself back into the corner as personnel and important civilians ran everywhere, bracing themselves in case the battle actually reached them. So stupid, Hikari thought, wringing her hands in front of her almost frenetically, if the angel gets here – we all die! Can't you people see that? Don't let them get me, Shinji, please – I don't want to d-
"Ahh!!"
The shelter rocked once more, catching her completely off guard, but as the crowd around her let up a ragged cheer, Hikari realized that the building was still shaking – because it was sinking. Within seconds, the whole structure would be underground. Tucked away from the fighting. Secure. Safe. Untouchable.
Or so she thought.
"Damn it," someone on the far side of the room shouted, "sir – I've got a malfunction in the cabling system. Something's jammed!"
No! Hikari thought, all of her tension leaping back into her in the blink of an eye as the building stopped moving. No – not now! Why is this happening?!
"Want Wei."
"She's not here," Hikari said quickly, feeling sweat breaking out all over her body, "shut up."
Bella – not used to hearing this phrase – drew her brow down. "Want Wei," she said stubbornly.
Hikari clenched her teeth together, keeping her eyes moving around the shelter as she snapped, "She's not here – shut UP!"
Pouting, Bella pulled her thumb from her mouth and stuck out her bottom lip, barely whispering, "Want… Rei."
There is only so much stress a person can handle before they reach their breaking point, and for Hikari – stripped of her class representative title, caught in a marriage to someone she hardly knew, trying her best to care for a child that did not like her, and trapped in a shelter that was still above ground and terribly vulnerable – these two words were all it took to push her way past the threshold.
"SHE'S NOT HERE – SHUT UP!!"
Deathly silence fell over the shelter as everyone – the security officers included – stared, open-mouthed, at the girl in the corner.
Hikari blinked, glancing around in dazed confusion at the wide eyes bearing down on her from all sides. Someone's kid is crying, she thought, nearly uttering a sharp, mad laugh at the sheer normalcy of the thought, my hand hurts…
Slowly, she brought her hand up, her frazzled mind refusing to admit – even then – that her palm was glowing with pain, the skin already reddening from the force of the blow it had issued.
What… what blow…? she thought, her ears filled with a horrible rushing sound as she lowered her hand and glanced down at her feet.
"Oh… God…"
The rushing grew louder as she stared, unable to cope with what she was seeing. People began crowding in, some restraining her… some bending down to check the still form lying prone at her feet. For the moment, no one seemed too concerned with the angels, or the EVAs, or anything outside of that one measure of time – the one wherein Hikari fully understood just how low a creature she really was.
As the reality of what she had done washed over her, Hikari took the last possible avenue of retreat open to her and dropped in a dead faint in the arms of the people keeping her from Bella's limp body.
- - - - -
The bedroom was quiet and still, the soft bleeping and pinging from the screen easily eclipsing the shallow breathing of the room's two occupants. Neither of the teens moved much, preferring to let the relative quiet go unchecked. Hikari lay on her side, staring off into space as Shinji sat on the floor in front of her television, his fingers and eyes the only parts of his body he dared even twitch for fear of bringing Hikari's attention his way.
He dreaded the conversation he knew was going to take place. With all his heart and soul, he wished that there could be any other reason for his being there.
"Shinji," Hikari whispered, making him flinch and nearly lose his life, "do you think she'll hate me forever… or just until she gets put into a real home and forgets me."
"I don't-" Shinji had to cut himself off, because his mouth was too dry to let him speak. "I don't think she'll hate you," he said softly, keeping his eyes on the screen, "when she's old enough to understand, she-"
Hikari's voice was flat and hollow as she cut in, "I knocked her out, Shinji… literally. I hit her so hard she… she blacked out…"
Though his hands were shaking, Shinji still managed to keep playing his game, forcing words past his lips in a vain attempt to comfort his wife. "You were scared," he said softly, "you were worried she would get hurt."
"No," Hikari whispered miserably, "I wasn't, Shinji – I wasn't even thinking of her at all… just… just me."
Shinji sighed. "Well, that's what happens when you get scared," he said reasonably, "but… but you brought her with you to the shelter, right? You made sure she was safe, even if you weren't thinking about it, you still made sure she was safe."
"…yeah."
At least she got her wish, Hikari thought with brutal self-deprecation, she's with her precious Rei.
After the attack, and after hearing the accounts of what had happened in the shelter, Misato had immediately called Rei and asked her to come stay with Bella overnight while Shinji escorted Hikari home to 'get herself composed…' but Hikari was not stupid – she could see the fear in the older woman's eyes.
She's afraid I'll hurt her, Hikari mused, God, I already did – but she's afraid I'll do more. She clenched her eyes closed. …would I?
Slowly, she rose to her feet, knowing there was only one solution for this problem.
"H-husband…"
Shinji tensed, and by the sound of his game, Hikari could tell that he had just died, though he kept his eyes glued to the screen and made no verbal reply.
"Husband," she repeated, keeping the tremor out of her voice this time as she knelt on the floor behind him, "your wife has a favor to ask…"
After a moment of silence, Shinji bowed his head, letting his hands fall to his lap as his game went on unnoticed. "What does my wife need?" he whispered, giving Hikari's formal question a formal reply.
Hikari wet her lips, but kept her head down in the traditional posture of deference. "Your wife needs you," she said through numb lips, "your wife needs her husband tonight. Will you give her the honor of sharing her bed?"
Shinji inhaled sharply, whirling to face her and dropping the game controller on the floor. "Wh-what?"
Taking a deep breath, Hikari said, "Your wife is scared, husband… she needs someone to hold her tonight, or she might go crazy." She swallowed hard as Shinji got to his feet. "If you don't hold me," she said tremulously, unable to continue her formal request, "I'm gonna die, Shinji, I know it. So much happened today, and I… I hurt that little girl so bad – please, I just need someone close to me right now so I can pretend I'm still a good person, ok?"
She finally managed to look up as Shinji padded over to where she was and looked down at her, his face showing no emotion as their eyes met.
"Husband," Hikari managed, "please help your wife… please help me…"
Slowly, Shinji knelt and embraced the girl, holding her shivering body as she began to sob.
"I can't…" Hikari hitched, clenching her eyes closed and burying her face in his shoulder, "I can't do this anymore, Shinji… I'm sorry. I thought we could make this work… but it's just too hard." Keeping her eyes tightly closed, she took a deep breath, ignoring the tears streaming down her face as she quietly whispered the words Shinji knew he would eventually hear.
"I want a divorce."
The End
Author's notes: this marks the end of 2. There will be one more set of stories in this series, (hopefully) tying up all the loose ends and bringing the arc to a final conclusion. Thank you for reading.
2 was not pre-read.
Feedback is always welcome on any site with reviewing capabilities, or by e-mailing random1377(at-sign)yahoo(dot)com.
