dont own YYH
Very sorry if the updates come in slow. Science project is eating up all my free time. But I will update as often as I can!
Chapt. 59
To Kill and To Love
The Demon Stone… It must be in the same spot. Koenma can't touch it. Do I want to touch it again? That boy, the one that died, he was there. I was supposed to help him out, but I ended his life. No, not on purpose, but it was my fault. The Demon Stone…
I came to Koenma's office doors. They no longer fit quite right from when I was thrown into them. Opening them slowly, Koenma's scent reaches my sensitive nose. To get to the stone without explanation, that would be easy enough. After all, I had erased myself from all his files two years ago, so this was a piece of cake. But the combination to the safe, what was it?
I open the door a little more and slip in.
"Oh, Darkfire," Koenma says, a bit shocked when he looks up from his papers.
"I need the Demon Stone," I command, eying the safe behind him.
"What for?"
"I just need it." My patience began to grow thin.
"And I can't just let you have it without explanation." He stands up and hovers in front of the safe protectively.
"Don't make me take it from you, Koenma."
"Just tell me why you need it."
"Koenma, please, just give it to me! Explanations are better kept for later. Besides the fact that it will all make sense very soon. I swear I'll have it back to you before the sun hits the western horizon." My tone was a strange pleading sound, one I wasn't quite accustomed to using.
He stays silent for a moment, pondering what I said.
"If you're asking yourself, 'how can I trust a murderer,' I don't know. All I know is that I need that stone. And if you won't give it to me willingly, I will take it by force."
He closes his eyes and turns to open the safe. But just before he turns the last turn, he asks me a question: "Do you really think that a murderer is not worthy of trust?"
"If you cannot trust them before they murder, how can you trust them after?" I answer him.
He laughs a faint laugh and clicks the lock open. Pulling the door open, he floats to the side and beckons me to take. I do so gladly. As it lies in my palm, it pulses softly. Vibes of purple beat from it like ripples on the water.
"I'll be waiting for you at sunset," Koenma says to me as I walk from the room. I give no reply, but continue walking back to the living room. With each step, the pulsing got stronger and louder. It was almost frightening.
"Stone within my grasp, still your beating heart," I whisper, clutching the stone to my chest. "Still your beating heart and show me Tanashi!" The world around me swirls and spins, and everything is black for a moment. But only for a moment. Soon I find myself standing in a large field surrounded by bloodthirsty panther demons.
"You have decided to grace us with your presence, have you, Murderer?" a deep, harsh voice sneers. I turn slowly and stare savagely at the panther before me.
"Tanashi," I growl, "I have merely come to slay you like all the others."
"Others? I see. You are the Ghost they all whisper of in fear." He laughs a deep, hollow laugh. "This amuses me."
"Didn't notice."
"But what doesn't amuse me is the fact that you have come to kill me before I get the revenge I deserve," Tanashi snarls, gripping the hilt of his dagger threateningly.
"And what revenge would that be?"
"The death of my daughter!"
"Daughter?"
"The one you slew in the arena for everyone to see. The daughter you slaughtered seven years ago!"
"Ansatsusha, the assassin that murdered my parents and Oshi?"
"Yes," he hisses.
"You may have your chance to exact revenge, but we will do it in battle. I've been told you have begun to wage war with the wolf pack near here. When you attack them, we will fight." My eyes harden into a perfect glare, causing the Panther Lord to look away.
"When the full moon rises…that gives you a month. Don't forget." And just as his words reach my ears, I am whisked back to the lonely hallway outside the kitchen. I can see the faint glimmer of the setting sun and I know my luck is being pressed. Not wasting another moment, I rush to Koenma's office, place the stone in its vault, lock the door, and sit down at the kitchen table in two seconds flat.
"You look pale, are you ok?" a gentle voice asks, touching my shoulder. A low growl rises in my throat and I tense up. The hand pulls away and a small gasp of fear escapes her lips.
"Please, don't fear me…everyone fears me," I whisper, relaxing. "And, yes, I'm fine."
"Darkfire, they fear a ghost that they created. They don't know you, so how can they fear you?"
"Because I am the Ghost! I am what they fear!" I turn my hardened gaze up to stare into the ruby eyes of the grown ice maiden. She tried to hide the fear in her eyes, but it slips through with every breath. "Yukina, I am the Ghost."
"No, you are Darkfire, the child born of the fox and wolf. Blood may stain your hands, but that does not make you a killer. You killed not for the pleasure of their death, but for the pain that throbs in your chest. The Ghost killed to see the blood run as red rivers. That is not you, Darkfire, it never was." Her voice was no longer shy and uncertain. She spoke as though she had nothing left to live for. Perhaps she didn't.
"Your pain was just as great, yet you found other ways to soothe it. I sought the sight of blood to ease my pain. Because I thought death would ease my pain, I slaughtered thousands just so that my heart would stop beating. But the deaths of those people only brought more pain. So I killed more to see the rivers run red. Do not try to make a saint out of a devil."
"I never tried. I only want you to know that the pain you caused was not your will. Your actions may not bring you honor, but at least you did something. I could not cry nor could I sit by his could body to keep it warm. I could not soothe my pain; I could only let it slip lightly through my fingers. But you held that pain in and for that others paid dearly. But I know you did not wish to see them dead. Don't think that I am strong! I was too weak to even weep for the brother that I lost." No tears came to her eyes; no redness touched her face; no anger clenched her fists. She was serious.
"If you do not let go of the pain within your heart, it will tear you apart. And if the resentment you hold against Hiei remains, you will kill him, too," she whispers, grasping my hand tightly. "Fall in love again, just as you had all those years ago."
Love… To love again… Can I?
'Can you stand more pain?'
'Can you trust him not to leave?'
'Can you let him close to you again?'
'Can you accept the love he has to give?'
"That love made me blind to the danger lurking in the future. This love will do the same," I tell her.
"You could never have known what was going to happen. The future is determined by what we do in the present. You can't blame your love for his actions."
"It was not my love to take! I took his love without even considering the consequences. His love should've been given to you first and foremost."
"Go to him. He is lost without you. I have a love to hold me, Hiei is yours. I don't want to see either of you leave again. But I want to see you smile as you once did." She gave a short and final bow before exiting the quiet room.
I can't understand this life. I just wanted to be normal.
Hiei. If he is lost, how did he find his way home? He needs to read my mind, but I don't want him to see the pain that it holds. The thoughts of malice and love and loneliness mingling together in a strange tornado of emotions that will destroy everything in its path would hurt him too much if he saw. I did love him…once upon a time. He hurt me most, so I now hold him away. I love them all, but they can't hurt me like he can. I cannot love that man anymore, I can't.
I will never fall in love with him again.
