Hey guys! (Cringes at the rotten tomato splatters). Not that I think ya'll are un-cool enough to through vegetables or anything! (Glances around nervously and holds up makeshift shield…. hopefully stealing trashcan lids isn't a major offense or anything.)

Ok, so I completed the National Novel Writing Challenge, and half of my junior year, and…alright, not a lot more.

So ok, I just got a bit bored of writing fanfiction. I spent a lot of time reading though!

Well, anyway, here's the 5th chapter. Hopefully it doesn't disappoint too much!


For Every Action, There Is An Equal and Opposite Criticism.

Peter, if alone and faced by a rampaging dragon, would have sought out cover, hopefully in the form of a titanium-enforced, thirty-foot thick brick wall. If challenged by a sphinx, he would most definitely have taken the long way around instead. And of course, no one could have convinced him to confront Snape solo.

But in all of these things, if the other marauders were present, he would have stood by his friends' sides, if slightly behind them.

It took a furious Transfiguration professor to make him doubt his vows to remain true to the other marauders.

He and Remus sat frozen on the window seat, eyes huge as the stared in terror at their head of house. The expression was distinctly deer-like, though a deer only took the expression on when it was about to become a hood ornament.

"What…" McGonagall seemed to be to furious to form words. Peter got the impression that her eyes were glowing, a faint and ominous light in the shadow of death he had entered. Time seemed to have stopped, or slowed considerably, though the noisy students on the Quidditch pitch obviously were not recognizing the sacredness of the moment.

He was going to die.

Remus seemed to wake from a coma. Rubbing his eyes, he stuttered but seemed unable to form any sound beyond "H…h…h…"

There was a strange banging noise from somewhere below. It had to be a terrible beast that McGonagall was calling up from the depths to destroy them. Peter's bottom lip quivered, and he shrunk back to the window.

The clattering, heavy noise continued, and Peter realized detachedly that the creature was climbing the stairs. He wished he could speak, so he could ask Remus what sort of monster was anatomically able to climb stairs.

"Klunk……Klunk……BANG, Clatter…..Klunk………." The noise stopped on the landing outside the door. Peter could hear the heavy breathing coming from beyond. The doorknob creaked as it was twisted by the monstrous claws of the creature. McGonagall turned around, in the same slow motion that was affecting everything in Peter's brain.

"SWING…." The door opened slightly, but stopped. It was caught on the large pile of mate-less shoes excavated from Sirius's bed.

Evidently, the call of McGonagall was not something the creature would ignore. It pushed against the door, groaning with the effort and squishing several perfectly lovely shoes.

Peter tried to stay conscious. He really did. After all, who was going to protect Remus? Unfortunately, he simply couldn't take the pressure. With one final squeak, he fell into peaceful oblivion, his last thought, 'Oh my, but doesn't that monster look an awful lot like James and Sirius…'

The monster, hereafter referred to as the last two of the marauders, turned their respective stares to the scene before them. Or at any rate James did. Sirius was still a bit 'under the weather…' or at least that was what James had told everyone who saw him drag Sirius out of the lake and back to the common room. Not that there was a single person now at school who didn't know about Sirius's phobia.

Sirius, to his advantage, was no longer screaming, though a stray word concerning house elves was intelligible every few minutes. He'd also ceased drooling, but the puddles of lake-water forming on the carpeting made up for that.

"So, finally decided to join the party, did you?" James jumped, he'd never heard so much sarcasm before. Especially not from McGonagall. He was mildly impressed.

A squeal from next to him made him turn around. Sirius was sitting on the floor, a small lake around him. Evidently the carpet was charmed to be water-proof. James filed that away for future testing.

Sirius was pointing to the window, or actually directly in front of it. He had the other hand covering his mouth and looked rather ill.

"She…" He whimpered, arm wavering. "She…she killed….she killed…… Pete!"

James turned back to glance at the floor. Peter was lying facedown, one arm stretched out in front of himself as if to ward off some attacker.

"So…what happened, exactly?" James glanced around the room, deciding that if someone was going to act the adult it would have to be him. McGonagall was already zeroing in on Sirius.

Remus struggled against meeting his eyes. Finally James kneeled down and caught his ears, pulling the poor werewolf's head up.

He didn't have the chance to even ask a question before Remus started to talk.

"It was…it was all the chocolate's fault! It wasn't me…we didn't do it….We didn't shave Snape's cat or dye his hair…mphfll—" Remus was cut short in his frantic cries by a pair of James' socks shoving themselves into his mouth.

James jumped in front of the other boy, a bright smile on his face. "So…Professor…what do we owe this pl…"

James had always prided himself on his bravery. Though not usually the mischief mastermind, he was usually the one to carry their plans out to fruition. He'd snuck into any and every room to be found in the castle, often exploring abandoned or yet-to-be-discovered rooms at the dead of night.

The look on the Professor's face, one of zero-tolerance and your-time-on-this-planet-has-ended fury, stopped short his usually untameable lips. He glanced down, hoping that Remus had spat the sock back out before he suffocated. Preferably he would have passed out from lack of air first.

Songbirds flew merrily around his head. He watched them, humming tunelessly as they went about their merry nonsense.

He coughed and dropped the rose he'd been sniffing. Evidently, a sweet flower scent was not to be a part of his delusion.

Which of course he knew that it was. After all, how many birds were the exact color and texture of swiss cheese? Certainly no birds he knew of.

He rubbed his nose. Hmm….his hand seemed suspiciously damp. If he'd fallen asleep in the bathtub again…Well, lets just say that Prongs had been less than merciful. As punishment for nearly drowning, his skin had been green for nearly three weeks. He had yet to forgive the prong-headed idiot. Though, of course, it had been the singular time so far in his stay at Hogwarts that McGonagall the Vengeful had been on his side.

Which reminded him of another Remus Realization. When it came to McGonagall, something Remus had realized and informed him of, what others called punishment or discipline he called vengeance.

And so responded with further retribution, usually in the form of stink bombs and fireworks that followed the Professor and wrote his name, over and over and over and…

It was a vicious cycle.

It occurred to him then that the room he was in was rather dark. And cramped, as he tried futilely to move his elbow. It was also damp. Not terribly uncomfortable, all together, but it wasn't where he last remembered being and so he decided that the best course of action would probably be to open his eyes.

Really, there were relatively few things that scared Sirius. House elves, suspicious cups of tea, and tiny insects that climbed into his hair and camped out were probably at the top of his list.

And one of those terrors was lying wide-eyed next to him.

Sirius decided that he would have a lifetime to prove his manhood, but only if he escaped soon. So he screamed.

And Teeky the house-elf screamed back.

James was struggling to come to his senses, gathering his thoughts like snitches in a spinning vortex of doom, which was harder even than it sounded and explained why the only thought in his mind right then was 'Hey…those socks in Remus' mouth smelled clean…and now he's getting his spit on them!'

That is, his mind was blank until the screeching began.

Like a nightmarish opera, the voices melded to shatter all sound barriers. Students currently entombed in dungeon Potion lessons winced in pain. Small, delicate, and expensive trinkets in Dumbledore's office shattered. A particularly sound-sensitive and unfortunate sparrow dropped dead from the sky over Gryffindor's tower (its last thought was '……………….' which was documented by Ministry wizards and later used as testimony for the evilness of Sirius Black.)

However, Sirius' screechy solo had nothing on the cries of Teeky the house-elf. And together, they were a force for a jet engine to reckon with.

Remus moved, for the first time since McGonagall had entered the room. With inhuman speed, he pressed the palms of his hands flat against his ears.

Werewolf ears were particularly sensitive to sound waves….and he cursed this now with every fiber of his being. Dropping to his knees, he crawled across the floor and over to Sirius' bed.

Remus, against all logic, had always kept a list of the items that frightened him the most. So far, it had avoided detection by the other marauders, though the discovery of his chocolate stash was warning enough. He'd have to burn the list.

While it existed, however, the list contained a few items, exactly what would be expected of a Gryffindor. Remus never liked to disappoint.

Top on the list was heights. They made him ill. He avoided open windows and Quidditch matches.

Second was a fear he was about to have to conquer. It was a location contained in the Sirius Quadrant of the marauder's dorm. In a nutshell, it was under Sirius' bed.

Remus was quite certain that the other marauders had the same fear, which was why only a few items had so far been excavated from under the bed. And these few survivors had rather odd teeth marks in them.

He pulled a deep breath in, and plunged his hands into the bowels of Sirius' bed. Who knew if it would ever come out again?

Minerva McGonagall was not someone to be trifled with. She had helped stop the fairy-turf wars in '58, worked on the TMS (Transfiguration Mop-up Squad) after Grindewald, and had single-handedly kept the student body of Hogwarts under her control during her classes, there was no one who kept a more obedient class than her. She struck fear into the hearts of many students.

Peter Pettigrew was one of those students.

Dumbledore, you are so going to have to raise my salary for this.

She was brave, powerful, and awe inspiring. And she was currently kneeling down next to an unconscious student, from her own house no less, who'd fainted in terror. Pitiful.

Of course, she had no doubt it had something to do with those slob friends of his. And mostly Black. It was always Black.

That was the first thing they told new teachers these days. It's always Black. And if it wasn't, then he must've been sleeping in class.

Across the room, Remus was the only one acting like a Gryffindor. James was curled in a ball over his broomstick, as if he was afraid the noise would shatter it.

Actually, she'd seen it happen.

Pushing aside a pyramid made of soda and butterbeer bottles, she dropped to her knees next to Pettigrew's head.

"Come on, wake up now. Heaven knows that noise has to be affecting you some how…"

It was probably acting as some sort of crazed lullaby. She had no doubt that this was not the first time these four boys had been subjected to—or in Black's case produced—such noise.

Peter's eyes blinked slowly. Then they shut very firmly. Pettigrew got out a single whisper of "monster" before he rolled over on his side and started to snore.

McGonagall the Vengeful allowed herself a single eye roll before pushing back up to her feet, all business. They could always revive Pettigrew later. For now, there was fresh and conscious blood to spill.

She suddenly wished she had a lawyer degree…then she might actually be able to get out of Azkaban if she killed those four.

Unfortunately, the only person she knew with a law degree was Albus, and he had this weird student-protection thing going on. And anyway, the degree was from 1894.

Sighing, she decided to go for a more lawful approach. Everything that moved in the room got stunned with a wave of her wand. Not that that helped much.

Sirius decided that screaming was fun. It was a wonderful way to relieve stress—even better than painting large and rather brightly colored daisies on the bricks and walls of the castle. He had a fresco of a holiday scene (complete with Santa and the littlest elf) on the fourth floor that still had yet to be removed. He'd completed it in second year.

Still, screaming in terror got a bit dull after a while. Not that Sirius was about to stop or anything.

The hand suddenly grabbing hold of his ankle only increased his volume. It was like turning a dial. The volume increased exponentially.

Remus struggled to keep hold of the ankle. Now was his time to shine as a Gryffindor. That, and he felt his revenge for the Chocolate Incident was as good as complete.

However, when he pulled dramatically on Sirius' ankle for the heroic moment, the larger boy refused to spring forth from the depths under the bed. Remus could have sworn he heard a giggle amid all those screams.

"Si come on, McGonagall is getting upset…." He tugged harder.

Upset. That was a word that had entered her vocabulary circa 1970. The year that had changed everything. The event that had spawned a chain of happenings that she would gladly erase. The Hairspray Incident. The Green-Slime Thing. The list goes on.

She had been upset every day since that fateful day. It was one thing or another. Today, it was screaming and cleaning.

She intended on retiring within the next twenty years. In a manor. On the seashore. She deserved it.

Pulling Lupin out of the way, she quickly levitated the bed.

She wished a few moments later that she hadn't.

This would come to be known as the Raucous Row. Between man and house-elf.

She hated teaching.


Reviews: Assuming that ya'll are still alive after, oh, has it been 5 months? I hope everyone had a good holiday.

Tea': The titles are from MarkLowry, but thanks!

Athena Diagon Cat: I know, it wasn't my best effort. Here's to hoping this chapter is better. Thanks!

Faux: Haha, I've often wondered if I woke my family up laughing at fanfiction. Thanks for the review!

Violet-Angel07: Haha…that's a good idea. Thanks!

Mooncheese: Hum, I think that would be something like 'Domanymphphobia.' Haha…or at least that's as close as I can get it. Roughly, it means 'House Sprite Fear.' But I just realized that phobia is probably Greek. Oh well. Thanks for reviewing!

Miss Piratess: That's ok! The story isn't all that intelligent anyway. Btw, I loved 'I'd kill you if you weren't already dead. I finished it but I think I forgot to review. Awesome story!

Don't kill fred dragon…. : Thanks for reviewing! It's ok, everyone on the planet is special. (Which in turn kinda suggests that nobody is, but really, I think everyone is unique and important.) Anyway, I love Sirius too! Thanks!

HealerAriel: Haha, well…in the little place I call 'Real Life' (shudder), Sirius or James would have to be drunk to sing that….But like, I forgot about that world a long time ago. Thanks for the reviews!

Scorchy-11: Thanks! I don't even know where the jello came from, but you never know!

Accio Flaming Stake: Haha, sometimes I like creating names and sometimes I don't. I guess it depends. I know the chapter wasn't all that great…but hopefully this'll be better!

sHeEnA V: Thanks! House elves are awesome.

Lady Taliesin: Thanks! Sorry it wasn't sooner!

YoshimiWolfspaw: Thanks! Sometimes I don't log in either, but then I get all upset cause the stories aren't on my review history. But anyway, thanks!

Fairbird: I like having the characters read them too, it just takes too much thought and I'm too tired for that right now. Maybe next time…. Thank you for reviewing!

whom-the-angels-name-lenore9: Thanks! Sirius seems universally tortured in fanfiction, whether dementors, houselves, or vengeful girls are the cause. Poor guy.

Moony-88: Thanks! Wow, you all are so kind with your comments. I want to print them out so I have something to smile about when school starts again.

Chess: Thank you!

Jamie Leigh: Again, thanks so much!

Xo DaNiElLe 03 0X: Thanks! It's fine, I don't mind being called 'interesting.' It's much better than 'special.' I'm glad you liked it!

Ann: Thank you!

CoPaCaBaNa-mAgIc: Haha, you're pen name looks so cool. Thank you so much!

thefutureMrs. Kaiba: Thank you!

Jeran: Thanks! Really, I've just seperated completely the Elder-Peter from the Marauder-Peter. I like Marauder-Peter just fine, he seems like he'd be rather funny. And Remus did seem to have more than his fair share of chocolate. Hahaha…

Versipellis: Thanks! I always get upset when I lose track of stories I was reading. But it's kind of fun to run back across them when they've been updated, I guess…

J-R-S CRAZY: YES!! I'M STILL ALIVE!! DON'T CALL THE PARAMEDICS YET!! Haha…Well, I'm really sorry I didn't update sooner. Thanks so much for reviewing!

Me: Thank you! It's so cool to be thought of as funny…cause really I'm like the least funny person in my house. Thanks again!

Neva-13: Thank you so much! Wow, you really made me feel appreciated. I changed your life? I hope it's in a good way! Thanks!