"Wait, what about Kuronue?" asked Yusuke.
"Oh, he came in later."
"Oh." Suddenly a thought struck him. "Say, what was your most embarrassing exploit?"
". . ."
"Aw, come on, Kurama. Tell us!" urged Kuwabara.
"...I didn't have any embarrassing exploits."
Hiei's forehead glowed for a moment. "Yes you did."
Kurama glared at him. "Fine, I did, but I won't tell you about it."
"Well, if you won't, I will."
"Hiei! You will do no such thing!"
The fire demon smirked. "Oh? And you control me now, do you?"
Suddenly, Kurama's cell phone rang. ("I didn't know he had a cell phone," commented Yusuke.)
"Hello? ...Hello, Mother... No... Really? ...Well, I-... Yes, but-..." Kurama sighed. "All right, Mother. I'll be right over. Bye." He closed his cell phone and turned to the other three. "My mother needs me to come home. I should be back in a half hour or so."
"Sure, go ahead," said Yusuke. Kurama obliged.
As they heard Yusuke's front door shut, Kuwabara leaned over to Hiei. "Hey, Shrimp-" Hiei glared. "I mean, Hiei. Now that Kurama's gone, you can tell us about it!"
His smirk returned. "For once, you have a good idea, Kuwabara."
Because he wanted to hear the story, Kuwabara chose to ignore that comment.
"I'll do the best I can from what I picked up. It was one of his earlier exploits..."
---
Youko Kurama and Kuronue strolled through a busy marketplace, not really bothering to steal anything because they were lazy. However, they were slightly confused by the way various shop owners fled with their merchandise as they approached.
As they passed one stall, Kurama's sharp ears picked up a whispered, "It's Youko Kurama! Take the money box and run!"
Kuronue, who had also heard it, muttered as the merchant scurried off, "What, is he the only one here?"
Obligingly, some random lady screeched, "It's Kuronue!" and fainted.
Kuronue preened a bit, and Kurama frowned disapprovingly. "As flattering as it might be, if all these people recognize us, we won't even be able to buy anything."
"Why would we want to buy anything?"
"I'm just speaking hypothetically, here."
Kuronue nodded, looking at Kurama critically. "Yes, what we need are some disguises. For myself - " He glanced around, and picked up a false mustache and a pair of plastic glasses without the lenses from a stall full of practical joke supplies, conveniently abandoned by its owner. He put them on and turned back to Kurama, looking very silly. "And as for you, we need to cover up your ears. And while you're at it, hide your tail in your clothes."
"What?! But it's my tail!"
"Exactly. When people see a white fox tail, the name 'Youko Kurama' springs immediately to mind."
"Really, you think so?" Kurama tossed his hair behind his shoulder and adjusted the set of his clothes.
"Kurama..."
"Right, right. What I need is a hat... Hat..." He glanced around wildly, then snatched up a floppy hat with a wide brim and rammed it on his head. "There, hat."
"Kurama, that's a woman's hat."
"So?"
Kuronue sighed. "If they see a man in a woman's hat, you're going to draw more attention than if you just went as yourself."
Kurama pouted. "I like it."
Kuronue waved a hand in defeat. "Fine, fine, just don't come crying to me if we end up running from the guards like last week - " He stopped suddenly, as if struck by an idea. "Well, if you insist on wearing a lady's hat, I know of a way to keep you unnoticed..." He pointed to a posh-looking store that specialized in women's clothing.
Kurama backed away. "No! No no no! I am not dressing - "
Kuronue grabbed ahold of his friend's arm and dragged him towards the storefront. "Oh, come on! Everyone will know you're not a woman in clothes like that!"
Kurama looked down at his more-or-less nonexistent shirt and his chronic lack of breasts.
"It'll be fun!" continued the bat demon cheerfully. "We can pretend to be a couple on our honeymoon - "
"But why do I have to be the girl?" Kurama protested.
"Because you look enough like a girl as it is!"
"No more than you do!"
"Ah, but I've got a mustache."
Kurama stared at the fuzzy thing currently residing under Kuronue's nose. It looked alive. "But - "
Kuronue pushed the store door open. A small chime tinkled. A short woman looked up from behind a desk. "Yes, may I help you?" she said, seemingly not recognizing the two famous thieves directly in front over her. See, the obvious disguises they were wearing brought so much attention to themselves that people didn't bother to look at the people beneath them. That, and they're stupid.
Kuronue smiled in a fashion he considered charming. "See, my friend here is a crossdresser - "
"I am not!"
"Shut up, yes you are! Anyway..."
The lady clapped her hands. "Oh, yes!" she exclaimed cheerfully. "You're actually the third one today! We've got a special section devoted to it!"
The two thieves sweatdropped as the lady led them off to a corner of the store.
Kuronue, slightly disturbed and now wanting to get the process over with as quickly as possible, grabbed a few likely-looking dresses and shoved them into Kurama's arms. "Here, just go try these on."
Kurama dumped them on the floor in disgust. "What are you thinking?!" he demanded. "These do not suit my complexion! I'm a winter, for Inari's sake!"
"...Kurama, have you been reading women's magazines again?"
"...Maybe..."
Kuronue rolled his eyes. "Look, you just pick something out, okay?"
Kurama sniffed. "Fine, I will! It's not my fault you have no fashion sense."
After a full fifteen minutes of Kurama nosing around among the merchandise and Kuronue tapping his foot impatiently, the fox demon emerged from the racks with several dresses draped over each arm. "All of these look promising," he said cheerfully, "although I think a few might be too revealing..."
Kuronue sighed. "You've got nothing to reveal!" he said impatiently. He grabbed one of the dresses and knocked the others out of his companion's arms. "Look, just get this one, all right?" It appeared to be an evening gown of some sort, although Kuronue didn't know enough of the terminology to describe it as anything other than "red" and "glittery" (incidentally, neither do the authors).
Kurama smiled indulgently. "Oh, and I thought you didn't have any fashion sense!"
Kuronue grabbed his arm. "Come on, let's just get out of here..." But Kurama was already heading toward the clerk and rummaging around in his money bag.
"We're actually going to pay for these?" Kuronue said, somewhat nervously.
"It's not like we can't afford it. And remember, we're disguised as non-thieves, right?"
"Ah..." Kuronue still looked uncomfortable with the concept. "Well, if you think it's best..."
"I do." Kurama plopped the dress down in front of the sales lady and handed her a few coins. "Keep the change."
She smiled sunnily at him. "Thank you, and have a nice day!"
They ambled out of the shop into the slowly refilling street. "Now put it on," Kuronue ordered, indicating the dress.
Kurama looked around nervously. "What, in the middle of the street?"
"You've never been this modest before! Remember last month, when you stole Lord Fujimori's enchanted sword while completely n - "
"This is different!"
Kuronue rolled his eyes. "Fine, fine. Look, there's a convenient alley right here..."
The two retreated into said alleyway, arguing the entire way. To preserve our readers' sanity, assuming there is any, the following scene will be described only in terms of the sounds that emerged to confuse the occasional passerby.
"Right, now take that off - "
"A little eager, are we?"
"Shut up. Now I think maybe you should try slipping it over your head - "
"I know how to put a dress on!"
"...I'll pretend I didn't hear that."
"I meant on other people - "
"Just drop it, all right? What's this bit supposed to do?"
"I think it's to hold some bits in..."
"Bits you haven't got?"
"Most likely. Here, you'd better not - "
"Ow! Why'd they put wire in this? You could poke your eye out!"
"I don't know, maybe it's supposed to do that? If you could just tie this up for me..."
A few minutes later, the happy couple emerged from the alley, bickering constantly. Thus they were unaware of the many stares directed at them, and the accompanying giggles of the easily amused.
Suddenly the ostensibly female one gripped the other one's arm. "Don't look now, but I think I've found the ideal target for our...attentions."
"...When should I look, then?"
Kurama rolled his eyes. "Just behind me," he murmured, moving slightly.
Kuronue turned his head, presumably to look at his companion. "Ah," he breathed, his eyes focused somewhere beyond Kurama's shoulder. "Just follow my lead," he muttered, and brushed past him.
The owner of the cart in question was understandably surprised to be confronted by two strange men, one in a dress with altogether too much glitter, the other with a glasses-and-mustache combination probably acquired from the joke shop down the street.
"My wife saw your little traveling shop and just had to take a look," chuckled the one with the mustache, which had, incidentally, come partially undone and was now dangling precariously.
"I'm closed," said the man coldly, in the face of all evidence to the contrary.
"Oh, but surely you can make an exception for a couple of newlyweds!" chortled Mustache.
"I told you we're not doing that!"
"Shut up, we are now!"
The old man eyed the two warily. "I'm leaving. I have to be in the next town by nightfall."
"Oh!" exclaimed Kuronue, finally noticing the mustache and pushing it back into place. "Well, we're going the same way you are, so..."
"How would you know what direction I'm headed?"
Kuronue looked to Kurama for help, who just glared.
The old man rolled his eyes. "Just get in the cart," he said, turning away.
"Oh, lovely!" Kuronue chirped. He nudged Kurama. "Do something girly!"
"You should have been the girl, you're always giggling!"
Kuronue looked affronted. "That was a masculine chuckle!"
"A five-year-old girl could sound more masculine than you..."
"Are you coming or not, ma'am?" said the merchant nastily.
Kuronue waved a hand gaily. "Coming, coming!"
"...I think he was talking to me..."
"Shutupshutup..."
Kurama clambered up to sit next to the merchant, who was holding the reins of a rather bored-looking donkey. They tried to sit as far away from each other as possible, but seeing as the seat was made for two people, and the merchant took up rather more than his allotted space, this proved somewhat difficult.
Kuronue looked from one to the other. "I'll just sit in the back, shall I?" he said hopefully. When no reply seemed to be forthcoming, he sighed slightly and jumped lightly into the back of the wagon with the merchandise.
Without any further ado, the cart rumbled forward. Trying to be inconspicuous and failing miserably, Kuronue started poking among the various items, cataloguing as he went. Ming dynasty vase, teapot shaped like a chicken, a really ugly painting some some old guy, a porno magazine... This he slipped into a pocket surreptitiously. Let's see, ornate bone knife, someone's left shoe, a toy Shinobi Master With Ninja-Grip Action, a weird little necklace thingie, oh wait, that's mine...
Almost irresistibly, his attention was drawn toward an inconspicuous brown bag. Glancing back toward the front of the cart, where the merchant and Kurama were stubbornly Not Looking At Each Other, he pulled it towards himself and withdrew a battered-looking book. He cautiously opened the old tome, dust spilling off of the cover. He quickly scanned the first page he saw:
...and lastly adde the Egge of Northern Dragonne. When the brewe becomes sickly yellowe, chant "Yu Sili Baggaas Tys Naat Rili Ah Supel. Ai Fuul Yu Al." With that thine greatest enemie shall become as dust...
Kuronue's eyes widened. Taking care so that the ancient book wouldn't fall apart, he shoved under his clothes. "Hey, Ku....Kasumi!"
Kurama a.k.a. Kasumi turned around warily. Kuronue was grinning nervously at him, and had his hands pressed against his suspiciously bulky abdomen. "Yes?"
"You see that farmhouse off to the left?" Kurama looked in the indicated direction. Shack, more like. "My aunt lives there, and you simply must meet her! Why don't you let us off here, mister merchant person?"
"What, she couldn't come to the wedding?" said the merchant, turning around as well.
Kuronue flailed for an excuse, and in his panic hit one. "Uh, no, she was very sick!"
"If she's sick, why do you want to visit her?"
Kurama looked at Kuronue's panic-filled rictus and frantic hand signals, and to Kuronue's relief took over. "Oh, but I'm very good at healing, I'm sure I could help!" he explained, trying and failing to imitate Kuronue's mock-cheerfulness.
The merchant looked at the two nervous, smiling faces. He rolled his eyes. "Fine, fine, whatever."
The cart jolted to a halt. Kurama and Kuronue leapt out, the latter still clutching at his stomach. "Thank you for the ride!" Kuronue said breathlessly, and then the two took off at a surprising turn of speed, especially considering one was wearing a dress.
As Kurama grew older and less stupid, he realized that the merchant must have let the two steal the book; but that still brought up the question of why. Unknown to Kurama, and therefore also unknown to Hiei, who was telling the story in case you've forgotten, the book of spells the two thieves made off with was actually cursed - socks disappeared, keys moved mysteriously around the house, and various evil spirits broke forth from whatever dimension they called home and stole his towels. Whenever the merchant had tried to get rid of the book, it had always mysteriously reappeared on his pillow the next day. Therefore, he was more than glad to be rid of it, and figured it served the two thieves right. With that mystery cleared up, let it now be known that the merchant from that day on lived a happy and fulfilling life until he fell off a cliff two days later.
Meanwhile, our two heroes were sitting on a riverbank, celebrating their haul. Kuronue, in a moment of contemplation, looked at Kurama, who had yet to take off his dress and floppy hat, and seemed to have a revelation. "Aren't fox demons supposed to be masters of illusion?"
Kurama looked at Kuronue's bespectacled face, and his own evening gown. "...Moron! Why didn't you say something earlier?!"
"You're the kitsune, you should have remembered!"
"You're the one who decided we should have disguises!"
"Well, it's not my fault you picked a lady's hat!"
"I happen to like this hat, thank you very much!"
The arguing continued late into the night.
