Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, events and/or places that are recognized as being written and created by J.K. Rowling. J.K. Rowling owns all the characters and places from the Harry Potter books including the ones used in this story.
A/N: I was going to wait a little while before updating, but after reading the reviews (thanks again to EVERYONE who reviewed!!!!) I felt the need to post the next chapter and let Remus explain himself. Poor sweet Remus!!! Lol! Enjoy!
Clea sprang up from her chair and chased Remus out of the Great Hall. Ignoring the facts that Snape was calling her name and that Harry had come up to talk to Hagrid, giving Clea the perfect opportunity to see Harry up close.
She burst through the door into the side room that Remus had entered.
Remus was shaking hands with Dumbledore and talking to him in the center of the room. Clea breathed in deeply, composing her nerves. She walked as gracefully as she could over to where they were. She stood like a shadow next to Dumbledore, her eyes fixed intensely on Remus.
Even though she touched him, even though he spoke to her, Clea could still hardly believe that he was there, standing in front of her. But she couldn't let herself be happy about it.
He didn't wrap his arms around her and pull her into a deep passionate embrace, declaring his undying love and stupidity for ever leaving her like she always thought would happen when they faced each other again. This meeting was the complete opposite; and made Clea hate every muggle fairy tale, that Lily told her when they were young, pumping her head with hopelessly romantic ideals.
"I'm glad you were there, Remus, to help Harry," Dumbledore said, finishing up their conversation. He turned to Clea and looked down at her with his eyes sparkling in a way she could only describe as malicious trickery; or harmless amusement, she couldn't tell. "Can I help you with something, Cleopatra?"
Clea opened her mouth but only managed to make a high octave squeaky sound. She intended on yelling at him for forgetting to inform her that Remus Lupin, the Remus Lupin, was going to be here; but there was a magic in his eyes that paralyzed her voice. She made one more squeak.
"Well, if that's all, then, I'm going to bed." Dumbledore smiled and bowed his head slightly at Remus and Clea, before he turned and left the room.
Clea stared at Dumbledore's retreating back. Blindly, she reached behind her and grabbed Remus's arm, stopping him from leaving too.
She spun herself around gracefully and faced Remus, their body's barley an inch apart. Remus exhaled heavily. His eyes refused to meet hers, but instead focused on Clea's right shoulder.
"Are feeling ok? You look ill," Clea whispered.
"Full moon," Remus said, finally looking directly into Clea's eyes. "You look pale."
"I thought I saw a ghost."
Remus laughed softly. He leaned his head forward and pressed his forehead against Clea's.
"Don't do that." Clea forced herself to pull away. "Where have you been?"
Remus paused for a moment and his eyes drifted over to a spot behind Clea.
She spun around and saw Snape and McGonagall talking to Madam Hooch. Snape was nodding his head at something Hooch was telling him, but his eyes were slightly glossed over and were held onto Clea and Remus.
Clea shook her head and sighed. "You know? I have spent every moment over the past years wishing that somehow everything would go back to normal," Clea said loud enough that Remus and Snape, if he was trying to listen hard enough, would hear. "And now that my life seems to slightly resemble the past, I have the biggest migraine in the history of the world."
Clea began to turn back around to face Remus. "This isn't what I expected..."
Her last comment dropped to silence, because Remus had vanished from sight. Clea dragged a shaky fingertip across her moist forehead.
"Cleopatra?" Snape stepped into the very same spot that Remus previously occupied. "I'll walk you up to your room."
The right side of Clea's mouth turned into a small frown. "Thank you, Severus, but,"
Snape cut Clea off with a nod, stopping the inevitable awkward moment.
"I just," Clea continued in a timid voice. "I just want to.....I need to talk about...Sirius; with someone who knew him like me," Clea lied. At this moment, she actually could care less about Sirius.
Snape nodded his head again and the pair shared a weak smile before parting ways.
Clea went straight to the Defense Against the Dark Arts office; where she assumed Remus would be, since he only arrived at the school this night.
"Excuse me, Professor?" Clea asked as she stepped into Remus's office.
Remus was standing on top of a small ladder, putting books away on the very top shelf. "You found me," he said, his voice echoing off the ceiling.
"You left this outside your door," Clea said. She held up a tattered old briefcase. "It was a dead giveaway."
Clea walked further into the room and placed the briefcase on Remus's desk. She stood in front of it and slowly began to trace the faded letters reading 'Professor R.J. Lupin' that were stamped across the top. "We need to talk, Remus."
"I know," Remus sighed. He slowly descended the ladder.
Clea repeatedly ran her finger around the cold 'R' on the briefcase. Her face was furrowed in frustration, making her look like a child who was having trouble learning how to write.
Remus sat down on the edge of his desk. "Do you know where Sirius is?"
Clea closed her eyes and resisted the urge to snap at him. She pulled herself away from the briefcase and walked over to a chair across the room.
"I'm sorry; of course you don't," Remus said, over the loud unnecessary noise Clea was making as she physically dragged the chair back over to Remus.
Clea sat down in the chair and folded her arms across her chest. "I don't know Sirius anymore," she said, her voice cracking slightly.
Remus nodded his head solemnly, agreeing with Clea.
"All right Lupin," Clea said suddenly, feeling fed up with dancing around what needed to be said. "Let's play twenty questions: Where did you go?"
"No where," Remus said, dragging his fingers through his hair. "I was in London; I never left."
Clea blinked with shock. All these years she thought Remus had left the continent, went as far away as he could go. "And what have you been doing...in London?" Clea asked.
Remus paused for a moment. "Struggling," he said quietly, pulling at a frayed end on the bandage over his knuckles. "Struggling to find work, struggling to find food; struggling to keep hold of the desire to even stay alive."
Clea became overwhelmed with grief and shame. The reason that Remus looked so ill was not only because of a full moon last night or the night before, but because his life must have been so hard. This whole time, Clea felt sorry for herself only; constantly thinking that Remus had moved up and on without her. When in reality, her life was probably a whole lot better than his.
But it wasn't like she didn't try to help Remus. In every letter she sent him, she always made sure to tell him to come to Paris and where he could find her. Remus didn't have to suffer all these years; he was the one that deserted her, not the other way around.
"Remus, why did you leave me?"
"I didn't want to leave you Clea," Remus said, sighing loudly. "It was the hardest thing I've ever had to make myself do. You have to understand. In less than a day, James, Sirius and Peter were all gone...and I couldn't handle it. I couldn't put on a brave face and comfort you or anyone."
Clea's folded arms fell to the side. She didn't dare say anything; she just let him continue.
"You were sad because Sirius changed sides and was arrested. But, I was angry at him and those are two very different reactions, two different feelings. They would have caused so much trouble for us; because I wouldn't be able to stand seeing you cry over him.
"I had to leave. I had to be alone with my thoughts and feelings before I was able to be with you. For so long....years...it was always me, Sirius, James and Peter, and then all of a sudden it was just me. I wasn't even sure if I could exist without them; how the wolf could handle being completely alone." Remus's tired voice slowly lowered to a raspy whisper. His heavy eyes blinked at Clea.
She didn't know what to say to all of that. He was right about Sirius. Clea was sad that he betrayed Lily and James, and sad that he went away. She was never angry at him; she tried to be, but she just couldn't conjure up hateful feelings towards her brother.
"Remus," Clea said, softly. She swallowed the lump forming in her throat. "Did you get my letters?"
Remus sighed and rubbed his eyes. He reached across his desk and began to untie the strings that were obviously holding his briefcase together.
Flipping open the top, Remus revealed a towering pile of old, faded parchments, also held together with a string.
Remus pulled the pile out of his briefcase and handed them over to Clea.
Clea immediately recognized the writing on the front as her own. She pushed the letters back towards him, and looked up into his eyes.
"I couldn't do it, Clea," Remus said, thumbing the letters. "I couldn't write back and try to explain to you why I left, or that I still loved you but didn't want to be with you. Because, I read your letters, read about your life....and I decided that you were better off without me; an unemployed werewolf," his voice went quite and bitter as the last part tumbled out of his mouth.
Clea shook her head sadly, and stood up. She stepped closer to Remus, placing her body in between his legs, which were dangled over the corner of his desk. She began straitening and smoothing out the crocked collar of his shirt.
Remus's hands twitched but he fought the urge to touch her.
Clea slowly blinked, bringing her eyes up to meet Remus's. She noticed that his eyes, just like his hair, were slightly grayer; but they were still hypnotizing and beautiful.
She leaned forward slightly, begging him to finally kiss her.
Remus brought a shaky hand up to Clea's face. He dragged his finger across Clea's waiting mouth, and slowly pushed her away.
"We need start over slower. I think that would be best," Remus whispered, his voice dripping with sadness and regret. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be," Clea said, smiling and sitting back down in her chair. "I'm just happy that you're here."
Remus nodded his head and returned her smile. "Ancient Runes, huh?" he asked, changing the subject, now that all that needed to be said was.
Clea laughed. "Dark Arts, Remus? Isn't that a little redundant?" Remus laughed, before letting a small yawn escape from his tired face.
Clea realized that Remus probably needed some rest, so she stood up and levitated her chair back to its original corner in the room.
"Do you like Care of Magical Creatures better?" Remus asked, as he walked over to his door and opened it for Clea.
"Yes, I do," Clea said, as she made her way towards the door. "I've had a lot of practice," she added, winking at him as she walked passed him and out into the hall.
Remus laughed loudly. "Good night, Clea," he called after her.
Clea smiled brightly and took one last look at his face hanging out of his door, before she turned down the hallway to her own room.
"Wait, Clea," Remus shouted, with urgency ringing though his voice. Clea turned back around quickly and rushed back over to Remus.
"What?" Clea said, unable to hide the worried frown her mouth automatically formed.
Remus grabbed Clea and pulled her into him; crushing her ribs as he held her tightly in his arms. He exhaled deeply into Clea's hair, and rocked her back and forth.
Clea brought her arms up; her hands pressed themselves with intense force against Remus's back. She breathed him in. His robes were musty, and he still had the smell of blood, sweat and wolf clogging the pores on his neck.
Remus loosened his grip and pulled back. Clea stepped back also and smiled. "See you tomorrow, Remus."
