FYI: Molly never really died. (Guns these days! Such crap quality…) As soon as everyone left for the premiere of "Degrassi: SAE", "Degrassi: Sean and Emma" to all y'all idiots, Molly got up and went home to plan a new scheme. (Sorry to Molly since we are friends, but…you hate "Degrassi"! How could you hate the best Canadian teen soap set in 21st century Toronto ever? Tell me! Huh? Huh? Huh? That's what I thought…be-YOTCH!)
Another New Plan: Molly finally thought of a plan. She went to see a witch and paid her money HELLA (inside joke with Molly, who probably isn't reading this story…) to bring back to life all those killed in The Degrassi Massacre… so she could kill them all herself! "It's going to take me year to do this," said the witch. "I'll call you on the first anniversary of TDM, hokay? Hokay." "Whatever…witch!" replied an angry Molly. "Ouch," said the witch.
A Year Later: Sean and Emma were sitting at home enjoying their life when suddenly…a knock at the door! "Who could that be?" said Emma. "I don't know sweet-e?" replied Sean. "It's not a tree," said Emma. "Or a bee," said Sean. "Oh woe is me," cried Emma, "not knowing has filled me with mi-" A shrill, slutty voice interrupted Emma (what would she have said? Miracle? Mistake? Mime? The world may never know…) "Just shut the hell up both of you and answer the frickin' door!"
Surprise: Emma and Sean opened their door. "Oh f-in' hell, it's Manny," said Sean. "And Ellie…" said Emma. "In fact," said Sean," it's everyone who died in TDM!" "Wait, wait, wait," said Emma. "Hold up just one second…"
A Friggin' Recap: "JT, I thought Manny killed you because you were with Craig and then Mr. Simpson killed Liberty because she was all sad. And Craig, you killed yourself because your lover JT was dead and Manny because she's a stupid bitch. Then Ashley killed herself because she loved Craig. And Jimmy killed himself because he loved Ashley. And Hazel killed herself because she loved Jimmy. And Spinner killed himself because he always did what Jimmy did. And then Marco killed himself because he loved Spinner. And Dylan killed himself because he loved Marco. And Paige killed herself because she loved Dylan (as a brother) and Spinner (as a boyfriend, don't know why she would though). And Terri killed herself because she thought Paige was just the coolest person. And Rick killed himself because he was Terri's freaky stalker. And Ellie and Chris killed themselves because Sean and I were getting married in Vegas. And then Toby killed himself because he loved Kendra and Kendra was hardly even on the show anymore," finished Emma, totally out of breath.
Filipino, Not Ghetto: "Yeah, but somehow we miracurusly came back to life and now we here on yo doorstep cause we ain't got no otha' puh-lace to go…" said Manny. "Okay, Manny it's mircaulously and it's just place," said Emma. "And oh yeah" (all together now!) "you're Filipino, not ghetto!"
On to Save the Day: Since I loved Sean and Emma so much, and most of the other characters (except Craig (ugh!), Spinner (ugher!), and Manny (ughest!)) are pretty cool, I decided I needed to make an intervention and save the cast (well, if a certain few died, I wouldn't be heartbroken…). So suddenly, Suzie, Ariel, and I popped back into the story. We were going to be "superheroes" now!
Cue the Theme Song: A psycho evil bitch named Molly/ is trying to kill the stars of Degrassi/ But not if it's up to Alexei/ Ariel the hoochie and Suzie!
Guess Who's Back: "Well look who it is?" said Manny, as soon as she saw us. "It's that slut Suzie!" "Actually," said Suzie, "I'm not a slut anymore. I never really was." "But I am!" shouted Ariel. "Oh yeah?" replied Manny. "I don't think so. I'm such a bigger slut!" "I've done it more times than I can count on one hand," said Ariel, "how about you?" "I've been pregnant!" said Manny. "That's nothing to be proud of," said Ariel.
Slut-Off: "Whatever, bitch!" responded Manny. "Whore!" said Ariel. "Bitch!" said Manny. "Hoochie!" said Ariel. "Bitch!" said Manny. "Wannabe ghetto ho!" said Ariel. "Uh…" said Manny, thinking really hard, before a light bulb went off over her head, "bitch!" "Oh my god," said Ariel," are you such a frickin' retarded skank-ass whore that the only insult you can come up with is bitch, you stupid ex-pregnant prostitute-for-no-money ho!" "OMG, that was hot!" said Manny. "Wanna make out?" "Ew, no!" said Ariel.
Suddenly…: Just then there was another knock at the door. Sean opened the door and standing there was Molly. "It's me…" she said. "Everyone, the psycho killer has arrived," I said. "I'm not psycho, I'm just a killer," replied Molly. "And just of fictional characters." "Whatever," said JT. "You're still a killer." So Molly shot him.
Everything Goes Awry: However, Molly wasn't as good a shooter as Mr. Simpson and the bullet hit Craig. So Ashley killed herself because she loved Craig. And Ellie and Chris killed themselves because Sean and Emma were still together. And then Ariel killed Manny so that she could win their feud. And Spinner killed himself because he loved Manny now. And Mr. Simpson killed Jay so he couldn't give Emma a STD. And then Suzie killed Kendra so that she couldn't be with Toby (because, you know, Suzie loves Toby). And Toby killed himself because he loved Kendra. And Marco killed Dylan because he's a playa. And then Rick killed Mr. Simpson because he is a psycho killer…and because Mr. Simpson is annoying HELLA (shout out to Molly…again). And then Sean killed Rick to save everyone. And then I shouted "Everyone stop killing themselves, didn't anyone learn from the past?"
Things Fix Themselves: So everyone stopped killing themselves. "Okay," I said, "since I created 'Degrassi: Sean and Emma', here's how things are gonna go. Paige, Hazel, Jimmy, Marco, Alex, JT, and Liberty, you can all be supporting characters on the show can I think that you're all pretty cool. Molly, you're going to The-N jail for hating 'Degrassi'. And Suzie, Ariel, we're going home."
Fake Ad: Next week, on a very special 'Degrassi: Sean and Emma', everyone comes back to life! And then they die again…because no one TV ever learns from their mistakes. But some stay alive and come back to the show. So watch! …Friday at 8 on The-N.
P.S. I Wanna Be a Slut: "Um, Ariel," said Suzie. "Yeah?" replied Ariel. "Will you teach me how to be a slut?"
