Hey! I was bored, so I decided to take a stab at a humor fic –Stab!- Hey, this is fun! Anyway, I'm not sure how often I'll be updating, I'll be concentrating on "The Second Story" more, but I just wanted to write this to take a break from my more depressing work. –Sigh- It can be very dismal at times. I'll write more if you really want me to though. This is a really different from what I normally do, and it turned out a little nuttier than I had intended, so brace yourself! Sorry if it's kinda dumb…
Anyway, enjoy!
Book the 12th: A Comedy.
Act I, Scene I: Ice cream!
If you were looking for a pleasant, enjoyable story where three young siblings have a fun time on a road trip, than I'm sorry to say you would be desperately wrong. For in the lives of the Baudelaire orphans, there is nothing but misery and woe, and blah blah blah…You know the drill.
Now let's get to the story.
Klaus: "Excuse me, Kit, but where exactly are we going?"
Violet: "Yeah, spill lady!"
-Klaus and Sunny turn and stare at Violet-
Violet: "Um, I mean…Yeah, what Klaus said."
Kit: "Well, we are going to a place I hope still exists. It has been a long time since I last saw it, and I wouldn't be surprised if Olaf and his troupe haven't burned it down. It used to be a place of peace and security, of danger and suspicion. I spent some time there with my brothers when we were younger, and I can only dream that it is still the place it once was."
Klaus, Violet and Sunny: -Blank stares-
Violet: "Uh, we asked where we were going…?"
Kit: "Take a guess!"
-The siblings think for a moment-
Sunny: "Hotel?" ("Hotel Denouement?")
Klaus: "Lousy Lane and the V.F.D. Horseradish factory?"
Violet: "Valorous Farms Dairy?"
Kit: -Grins- "Nope…"
Violet: "Than where are we going?"
-Five minutes later at the ice cream parlor-
Kit: "It still stands!"
Klaus: "An ice cream parlor…?"
Violet: "Ice cream!"
Sunny: "Oivaye…" ("You've got to be kidding me…")
Violet: "Ice cream!"
Kit: -Gasps and drops to the floor- "Get down!"
-The Baudelaires follow suit and get down-
Klaus: -Whispering- "What is it?"
Kit: "Shh…"
-Someone walks by, apparently not noticing the four people lying on the ground with their heads ducked-
Klaus: "What?!"
Sunny: "Ispy?" ("Was it an enemy?")
Violet: "Did he steal the ice cream?"
Kit: -Standing up- "Huh? Oh no, that was just one of the waiters."
Klaus: -Also standing- "What, pray tell, is wrong with the waiters?"
Kit: -Eyes grow wide- -Whispers- "They scare me."
Violet: "Why?"
Klaus: "Okay, this is getting weird. Let's just go find a table and order some ice cream while we're here."
-All three sit down at a table. Kit is very tense and fidgety, glaring at anyone who looks their way-
-Teenage waiter-guy comes to take their order-
Waiter: -Twitch- "Have you been here before? I've never seen you here before. –Twitch- Why are you here now? You're following me aren't you? –Twitch- Why are you following me?!"
Klaus: "Whoa."
Sunny: "Ditto." ("Someone's psychoneurotically disturbed.")
Kit: -Stands up and stares him in the eye, scowling menacingly- "What do you want with me?"
Waiter: "I've come to take your order!"
Kit: "Never!" –Throws a spoon at him- "Run children!"
Violet: "But we didn't get any ice cream!"
Kit: "Sometimes we must make sacrifices, Violet! Follow me!"
-Kit takes off with the Baudelaires close behind her. Teenage waiter-guy screams and stomps on the spoon-
-Outside-
Violet: "Poor spoon, never stood a chance…"
Klaus: "Okay, that was strange."
Sunny: "Odeer…" ("Uh, can we just leave now?")
Violet: "Why? Why is it always the good, shiny spoons?!"
Kit: "We must go; he'll be coming soon."
Klaus: "What does he want with us?"
Kit: "He doesn't like me much."
Klaus: "And why, exactly?"
Kit: "He gave me 13 bits of peanuts on my ice cream sundae once."
Klaus: "So?"
Kit: "I don't like that number."
Klaus: "So?"
Kit: -Eyes dart around suspiciously- "…So I threw him out the window."
Violet: "So?
Kit: "Stop saying that word!"
Violet: "This is the first time I've said it!"
Kit: "Well, then who said it before?"
Klaus: "I did."
Kit: "Stop saying that word!"
Klaus: -Sighs- "Can we just leave?"
Kit: "Fine. Let's get in the car."
Sunny: "Umm…" ("Umm…")
Violet: "Doesn't there have to be a car to get in it?"
Kit: -Puts her hands on her head- "Gah! My car! It's gone!"
Klaus: "Oh great…"
Violet: -Grinning- "Does this mean there's more time for ice cream?"
Kit: "Where could it be?!"
Sunny: "Freakgotit?" ("Maybe that guy you threw out the window stole it for revenge.")
Kit: -Running around in circles- "My car! My car! Where is my car?!"
Klaus: "I read about something like this once…"
Kit: "Really? What happened?"
Klaus: "Well, without any form of transportation, the victims became stranded out in the middle of nowhere for the rest of their lives."
Kit: "How long was the rest of their lives?"
Klaus: "Not very long, since they didn't have any food with them either."
Kit: -Blinks stupidly-
Klaus: "They all died."
Kit: "AAAAAHH! Where's my car?! Where's my car?!"
Violet: "Well, at least we know we won't, because we've got plenty of ice cream to last us the rest of our lives!"
-They all turn and look and the parlor. The sign changes to "CLOSED"-
Violet: "AAAAAHH! Where's your car?! Where's your car?!"
Sunny: "Hey, look!" ("Would everybody just look at where I'm pointing?")
-They look at where Sunny's pointing-
Violet: "Hey, Kit, that car looks exactly like yours!"
Kit: "My car!"
Klaus: -Puts hand on his face- "Oh my gosh…"
Violet: "Can we PLEASE get some ice cream to go?"
Klaus: "NO. Get in!"
-They get in and drive off-
Sunny: "Spoondude…" ("I wonder what ever happened to that waiter…")
Kit: "Phew. See how you can solve any problem if you just stay calm and use your head?"
Klaus: "Sure, and how exactly did you use yours?"
Violet: "Be nice, Klaus. After all, she did save us from that evil waiter."
Sunny: "Nextstop?" ("Where are we going now?")
Klaus: "Let me guess. McDonald's."
Kit: "No, silly, Burger King!"
Violet: "Yay! They sell milkshakes there! And that's like ice cream that's had milk added to it! And has been shaked up!"
-Aunt Josephine appears out of nowhere-
Aunt Josephine: "It's shook, not shaked."
-Vanishes into thin air-
Klaus: "Uhhh…"
Kit: "And then, after Burger King, we shall be on our way to…"
-DUN DUN DUN-
Klaus: "Uhhh…"
Violet: "What lovely music!"
Kit: "…We shall be on our way to…to…"
-DUN DUN DUN-
Kit: "On our way to…"
-DUN DUN DUN-
Kit: "Um… Oh shoot, I forget."
Klaus: -Repeatedly hits head on car window-
Kit: "Klaus, you shouldn't do that, you could hurt yourself."
Klaus: -Quickly rolls down window- "Someone help me!"
Violet: -Rolls down her window- "Someone get us some ice cream to go!"
-Waits for a reply-
Violet: -Shrugs- "Well, I just thought I'd ask."
Klaus: "I don't think anyone's just going to give ice cream to some girl with her head sticking out of a car window."
-Car pulls up next to them. Teenage waiter-guy sticks his head out the window and hands Violet an ice cream cone-
Waiter: "Here you go!"
Kit: "Fiend! Don't take it, Violet!"
Violet: -Takes it- "Too late!" –Sticks tongue out at Kit- "Thank you teenage waiter-guy!"
Waiter: "You're welcome! Sorry I didn't get you your ice cream sooner, like when the parlor was still open."
Violet: "That's okay! You know, you're not a fiend at all!"
Waiter: -Twitch- "Thanks! You're kinda pretty…"
Violet: -Blushes- "Well, for a psychoneurotic guy with a twitch, you're not that bad-looking either!"
Klaus: "Okay, that's enough!" –Turns to Kit- "FLOOR IT!"
Kit: -Floors it-
Violet: "No! Oh well. At least I still got Quigley."
Sunny: "Noloss." ("And he's almost as psychoneurotic as Waiter-Guy anyway.")
Klaus: "All of this is going to take a toll on my sanity, I can already feel it…"
Kit: "Well, now that we've lost that wacko, we can go on to Burger King!"
Violet: "That's okay, we don't need to go. I got my ice cream."
Kit: "Okay then. Well, now that we've lost that wacko, we can go on to…uh…um…"
-DUN DUN DUN-
Klaus: "GAH!"
Kit: "Uh…that one place I forget the name of!"
Klaus: -Repeatedly hits head on car window-
Sunny: "Fin." ("End of Scene I.")
