Edited: 112205
Changes: Major changes for sentence construction; some paragraphs added; plot still the same.
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Chapter 1 – Catharsis
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For all that has happened in the war, there was only one thing that registered in his mind. The war is over. He had seen it through the end and he was assured of the safety of his loved ones. He couldn't really care, one way or another if he died.
But just as the thought presented itself into his mind, his eyes caught sight of a piece of jewelry. No. He couldn't die just yet… because there were still many things that he had to do… so many things that he had to say.
And as if the heavens heard his silent plea, he heard his name being called. He looked around and saw a beat-up mobile suit approaching him. As it got steadily closer, he could see that the cockpit was open and that a familiar face was piloting it.
He closed his eyes and smiled.
-
Kira Yamato woke up to the sound of the heart-wrenching cries coming from someone beside him. He opened his eyes wearily and winced at the bright light. He could slowly feel the pain creeping back into his sore muscles but he ignored it. He turned his head to the direction of the sound and was surprised to see a blonde head buried in one of his pillows.
He tried to get up but felt someone gently push him back to the comfort of his bed. He followed the length of the hands and smiled when he saw that it was none other than Lacus Clyne. But the smile quickly disappeared from his face when he saw her tear-stained cheeks. "What's wrong?" he asked, his voice hoarse and his throat feeling scratchy.
At the sound of his voice, Cagalli immediately engulfed him in a fierce hug. "Kira!" Cagalli began sobbing even harder, her shoulders shaking violently.
Kira diverted his gaze back to Lacus and gave her a look of askance. Lacus shook her head and tears began to fill in her eyes.
Then suddenly, Cagalli locked red, puffy eyes into his. "Kira! You have to help me! Athrun is still in GENESIS!"
Kira blinked and felt his mouth go dry. He swallowed hard before speaking. "But… it exploded."
Cagalli started to become hysterical, her hold on Kira's shirt tightening. "A-Athrun must've escaped somehow! We have to go out there and find him!"
Kira opened his mouth to reply when a soft voice cut him off. "Don't bother." There, standing beside the doorway, was a silver-haired boy about the same age as he was. "Athrun set the self-destruct mode of Justice inside GENESIS. The Strike Rouge tried to follow him but I pulled it out of the way."
Cagalli whirled around and glared angrily at the boy. "You shouldn't have butted in! Wasn't he your comrade? You should've stopped him!"
The boy just looked at her with his cold, blue eyes, his face not giving anything away.
Kira's heart sank as the boy's words finally sank in. He looked at Lacus questioningly and her tear-filled eyes were enough of an answer. It felt like his heart was wrenched in two. His friend… another one of his friends was taken away from him. He sat there, mind frozen in shock.
Finally, the silver-haired boy straightened up and walked out of the room. Before the automatic doors slid shut, he looked at Cagalli in the eye and said in his most sincere tone, "I'm sorry."
Cagalli cried even harder and tried to pull Kira. "Kira! Get up! We have to do something!"
Ledonir Kisaka suddenly appeared beside Cagalli and pulled her away from Kira. Cagalli tried violently to break free but Kisaka had a strong grip. "Let go of me! I said let go! Kisaka! Athrun is –"
"Gone," Kisaka finished for her, voice firm. "He's gone Cagalli, you have to accept it."
Cagalli was livid. "NO! He saved us – all of us! The least we can do is –"
"What do you think, Cagalli?" Kisaka asked her. "Mr. Jule told us he went back after leaving you with Dearka. He went back for Athrun but he was too late; GENESIS had already exploded. How do you think could Athrun possibly escape that blow?"
At that, Cagalli broke down completely. "He programmed the Fatum-00 to get me out of GENESIS. I couldn't get to him. He told me to escape and..." she couldn't bear finish the sentence and instead cried her heart out for all that she had lost.
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After the war, everything should've gone back to normal. But it didn't. 'Normal' for them was having their friends, their loved ones near them to celebrate the peace. Yes, there was peace, but with the immense number of lives lost, peace and normalcy would have to wait – because for now, it was the time for mourning.
Yzak Jule and Dearka Elthman had gone back to the PLANTs to face the consequences of their defection. But with the way the war had ended, things were looking up for them. And indeed it was. Yzak, with a few technicalities on his side, was promoted to Captain. Dearka, on the other hand, who had openly defected and fought against ZAFT, was demoted and was now serving under Yzak as second-in-command.
Miriallia Haww was trying hard to regain a semblance of her previous life. She had moved on but she had never forgotten those lost in the battles. She had decided to take photography as a hobby and was often seen with a camera on one hand.
Kira Yamato and Lacus Clyne were currently living with Reverend Malchio and his orphans. Kira had already made peace with himself, but his eyes still held the deep sadness that he had experienced with the loss of so many loved ones.
But Cagalli Yula Athha still had not recovered. Her father was someone very dear to her and having his death followed by another death was just too much for her to bear. She still had not officially taken up her place among the Emirs.
The time for mourning was indefinite.
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The Athha mansion felt cold, distant and aloof. No longer did it feel welcoming or warm and Kira could feel it in volumes. He looked at the person in front of him. Cagalli had lost weight, and her eyes had seemed to be always red and puffy from crying. She was no longer the vibrant person that she used to be and it saddened him.
He could feel her pain.
"How are you, Cagalli?"
They could feel her pain.
"Mr. and Mrs. Yamato had been asking for you."
But she refused to believe them and kept on pushing them away.
"Just… leave me alone."
She stood up and left them. It was probably one of her bad days. Sometimes, she would talk to them or even try to smile. But more often than not, she chose to be alone and cut herself completely from human contact.
There were times when Kira thought that Cagalli was making it hard for herself – acting as if she was the only person who was feeling that way. Athrun had been his best friend and also someone close to Lacus. She wasn't the only one that he left. Him and Lacus, Athrun left them too.
Sensing his inner struggle, Lacus held his hand and squeezed it gently. "Try to understand her, Kira. She is hurting. Just give her time."
Kira nodded slowly and gave her a tiny smile. "Thank you, Lacus… for being here with me… for everything."
Lacus smiled sadly as she lifted our hands. "This is the reason why we're different from Cagalli, Kira. We still have each other."
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Athrun...
You said you'll protect me. You lied. You lied to me.
You left me. You shouldn't have escaped alone. You should have brought me with you. I don't see the point in staying here anymore. You and father already left me. At times, I feel like I have no more tears left to cry. And it feels hard to breathe...like my chest is about to explode.
Why did so many people have to die just to end the war? I haven't realized it until now, but I've always been surrounded by death – my experiences in Heliopolis, with the Desert Dawn, with the Archangel, in Orb, and the final battle.
Some people think that it was better that you died because we belong to entirely different worlds. They were wrong… we lived in the same world. But now… they are right now…
I feel hurt. Hurt that you didn't even consider that you'll be leaving me behind when you did your heroic act. Did you love me at all? I know that by living, you would've carried the guilt of your father having been responsible for so many lives. But we could've carried it together.
People like Lacus and Kira tell me they know how I feel. How can they? Sure they've lost a loved one. But they still have each other. No one can replace you. No one.
Kisaka tells me that I should move on. Move on to what, I wonder? It's like I don't even have the strength to do anything at all.
I look at Lacus and Kira and I feel angry. Why? Because they have something that I lost. They keep on saying that they understand me. But I don't believe them.
If they did know how I feel, they'll know that all I want is for them to leave me alone.
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Lacus looked at Kira at the corner of her eye as she sipped her tea. She felt that the sadness in Kira's heart will never truly go away. She knew that Kira's heart was crying in agony. She could hear it at night when everyone was asleep and it was only the two of them.
She briefly wondered what would happen to her if it was Kira who died and she was the one in Cagalli's shoes. No. She couldn't even bear to imagine the pain.
Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted when the door suddenly flew open. Mana came rushing towards them, looking upset. "Sir Kira," she began, addressing Kira, "I came up to the Princess' chambers to check up on her but she wasn't there!"
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After the events of the war had unfolded, people had begun to follow the peace talks with vigor. But none of them were as determined as he was. He had watched it, hoping to see a familiar face, hoping to hear news about her well-being. She had lost so many loved ones in the war and he had wanted to know whether she was coping or not.
The days progressed and after waiting patiently for so long, the only piece of news that he had managed to scour distressed him greatly.
And that brought him to his current predicament, safely hidden behind the shadows of one of the tall Grecian columns decorating the ancient-inspired garden. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other and brushed the black hair out of his ice-blue eyes.
His ears prickled at the sound of hurried footsteps and he chanced a glance to see who it was. A pink-haired lady and a brown-haired young man were rushing towards the gate, looking very distraught. He strained his hearing and managed to catch snippets of their hurried conversation.
"She couldn't have gotten very far…"
"But, what if she just went outside for some fresh air?"
"Lacus, this is Cagalli were talking about…"
He watched them until they disappeared from his line of sight. He stood still thinking for a few moments, and then he was gone.
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The scene in front of Miriallia Haww was breathtakingly beautiful. The sky was a mixture of pink, orange, purple and blue. The sun was in the horizon and its orangey yellow color was being reflected by the now dark sea. A few seagulls were squawking softly in the distance and the afternoon waves rolled lazily by the beach. It was hard to believe that just two weeks ago, it was a battlefield.
Click!
As soon as she came back to Orb, she adopted this hobby to keep her busy. It was kind of appropriate for her.
Click!
After being one of the survivors of the recent war, she realized that not all things were permanent. Everything was bound to change. For the good or for the bad, it didn't matter. Ironically, change was the only constant thing in the world.
Click!
And that was why it was so wonderful to be able to preserve a piece of something with her camera.
She stood still, breathing in the salty sea air and enjoying the wind playing with her hair. She remembered the day when she was still in the Archangel with her friends. She smiled at the thought. Kuzzey actually believed that there were sea monsters.
Tolle was still alive then...
She sighed. She was trying hard to move on. There were nights when she would cry herself to sleep. There were days when she would feel as if everything would be okay. She knew that Tolle would want her to move on, but it was hard. She didn't want to forget about him. But still she was trying. Her thoughts drifted to a certain Buster Pilot and she shook her head.
That's a different story. I'm not ready yet, but they say time heals all wounds...
Her thoughts were interrupted when she saw a lone figure sitting by the sand several meters away. There was something familiar about that blonde head...
She squinted and recognized the figure as Cagalli. She strode to where Cagalli was sitting, feeling pity once she saw the hunched figure. Her knees were pulled close to her chest and her head was propped in her folded arms.
Miriallia bit her lip as she recalled what had happened up in space. Many stories, many events had happened there and Cagalli's did not end with a happy ending. She was, after all, one of those who witnessed it.
Athrun died...
"Cagalli?" she asked tentatively when she reached her. She took in her disheveled appearance and her red, puffy eyes.
"Leave me alone," she said dully. She didn't even look at Miriallia and sounded as if she was so tired of having to tell this to everyone.
Miriallia stared at Cagalli, sighed, and then sat beside her. For a few minutes, she let silence fill the gap.
Finally, Cagalli broke the silence. "Milly, Athrun was the one who killed Tolle."
Miriallia blinked, surprised at why Cagalli told her this. And then she felt her eyes water. "I know. But I don't blame him. It was a war." Surprisingly, her voice did not break.
"He killed so many people. He almost killed Kira, his best friend, because Kira killed Nicol, a comrade of his. His mother died in the Bloody Valentine and his father shot him when he decided that he didn't want to follow his orders anymore."
Miriallia was confused. "Why are you telling me this?"
"It's just that I think maybe one or all of those were the reasons why Athrun chose to be blown up with GENESIS," she answered in a would-be detached voice.
Silence.
"Listen, Cagalli," Miriallia said quietly. "I know how you feel. I've been through that."
"No. You know what's different between us! Tolle died unwillingly! But Athrun… He died because he chose to!"
"But you have to move on. The fact that Athrun didn't let you die with him proves that he wants you to live your life." She had expected a scathing reply but Cagalli was silent. Miriallia knew that she was listening, so she continued. "He might've lost all desire to live but he didn't want you to give up your life with him. He knows that you still have so much to do. Your father might've thought about the same thing. Wouldn't you think that they'll be sad you aren't fulfilling their expectations?"
Cagalli choked back a sob. "Expectations? They leave me behind and still they expect something from me? How can they be so selfish? They didn't even consider me as a good enough reason to live!"
Miriallia took a deep breath. Well, at least she's talking. "But don't you think you're being selfish, too? There are a lot of people who need you. There are a lot of people who are waiting for you to share you grief with."
Cagalli turned her head sharply to look at her directly in the eye. "Like who? The people who think Athrun deserved to die? The people who watch every story about me and him as if we were a freak TV show?" the princess asked sarcastically. She was beginning to raise her voice.
Miriallia shook her head gently. "No," she said softly. "I'm talking about the people who care about you. Your friends, your brother. And not all citizens of Orb look at you that way. Some of them actually care."
Tears formed at Cagalli's eyes and she buried her face in her hands. "It's hard, Milly," she sobbed. "It's so hard. I feel so awful and hurt that he left me. I always ask myself why it had to happen. I told him that what he was doing was escaping but all he told me was that he was sorry...
"At times I want myself to move on but, it seems as if I'm stopping myself. Like moving on would be forgetting him. And I don't want that to happen, Milly. I don't want to forget him!"
Miriallia took a deep breath. "Nobody's asking you to forget him. Believe me when I tell you that I know how you feel. I felt the exact same thing when –" she felt her voice break. "– when Tolle died. But pushing your friends away won't help you. Kira, Sai, and Kuzzey, they all helped me go through that terrible ordeal in my life.
"It may hurt at first but with the help of your friends...you'll survive this." Miriallia shook her head apologetically. "I'm sorry for sounding so preachy. And I won't pretend that I'm very knowledgeable in this area, but I'm telling it from personal experience. I'm still not completely over Tolle, but… I'm trying. I know he wouldn't like it when he sees me sad. And I'm sure Athrun wouldn't want you looking like this, either."
Cagalli's shoulder shook as she continued to cry. Miriallia felt her heart break as she saw Cagalli's anguished sobs. She knew exactly what the princess was feeling. She hugged her and rubbed her back soothingly. "Okay, Cagalli. Just cry for now…"
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Cagalli didn't push Miriallia away. She believed her. She knew this girl understood her. She knew what Miriallia was talking about. How many times had she told herself the same thing? But sometimes, knowing the solution doesn't always solve the problem… especially when you lack the will or the power to carry out the solution.
Kisaka told her several days ago that she had to pull herself together. Some of the representatives were eyeing her position and would love to take control of everything. He told her that she needed to pull herself together and she snapped at him, accusing him of being an insensitive prick. And just a few hours ago, Kira and Lacus had made the effort to visit her and check up on her and how did she respond? By giving them the cold shoulder.
She'd been so bitchy to everyone and anyone who only wanted to help her and she felt guilty for pushing them away.
Cagalli took a deep breath and gently pulled away from the hug. "Thanks for talking to me, Milly."
Miriallia smiled. "It's okay, Cagalli. We're your friends. Don't push us away, okay? Nobody's asking you to forget Athrun. All we ask from you is to let us share in your misery."
"I'll try," Cagalli sniffed and choked back a sob. "But you know how selfish I can be sometimes," she joked half-heartedly.
Miriallia saw two figures running towards them in the distance and smiled. "Maybe you can try now."
Cagalli followed Miriallia's gaze and saw her twin brother together with a very good friend. She saw Miriallia at the corner of her eye wave a little.
"Cagalli!" Kira called out. "We've been looking all over for you! We were so worried!" And he sure looked the part. His shirt was drenched in sweat and he was panting slightly.
Cagalli wiped away her tears and smiled gratefully at him.
Lacus hugged Cagalli and helped her and Miriallia to stand up. Her face was full of worry. "Please don't do that again, Cagalli."
"I'm sorry for being so rude," Cagalli apologized sincerely. She turned to Miriallia. "Thank you very much, Milly." Then, she smiled, her first genuine smile in weeks, "Let's go home."
-
He sighed in relief as he saw the scene unfolding before him. He had arrived, a couple of minutes before the pink-haired lady and the brown-haired young man. He felt his lips curl up in a slight smile, after seeing the somewhat-happy look on the princess' face.
Maybe everything's going to be okay...But I'll stick around just to make sure.
Author's Notes: Well, if someone's still bothering to read this, please review and tell me what you think. Did you notice the changes? Which is better? The first draft or this one?
