Remus disappeared, remarkably tired, too tired to feel the pain that usually coursed through his body at the transformation. Only today he had nearly slapped Sirius. And he would have broken his friend's arm. That must not happen. He was tired of fighting the beast and he sensed that it was tired too, tired of being fought. He felt almost sorry for it. They both wanted to be free, to live their separate lives, and they couldn't be. It was almost multiple personality disorder.
He felt the change as if through anesthetic. It felt less painful than usual, less annoying, and he lay in the shack, lonely, miserable.
He tried to sleep, but he couldn't. He got up . . . he could barely move . . . but what did it matter anyway? He howled, but it was a low, lonely broken howl. It was like a tear and he waited, for the feeling of absolute out of control.
But it didn't come. Instead, he felt lonelier, until he almost went mad. He howled up at the moon. The sound floated up and out, over Hogwarts, over Hogsmeade.
He need a pack, a pack of something, someone. Where could he find them?
Nowhere.
Lonely forever. He felt—he felt . . . so human, yet so beast. He felt confused.
The upset werewolf curled up tightly, nibbling on his tail absent mindedly. He was very hungry, but he ignored that feeling. It was only evil. He bit at the furniture, suddenly angry. He shouldn't feel so afraid, so lonely. He was the Lone Wolf.
He smiled a wolfish smile. That sounded like something Muggle. Some sort of Muggle movie. He howled again, mostly for the sheer sound of it. He paced.
This was tedious. Outside, he could hear footsteps. Someone was coming here, coming to this little hut, a little shack. He panicked. Who?
He howled, his longest yet. He heard the intake of breath and the person left.
James waited, patient, and then he heard the howl. Pettigrew looked frightened. Sirius was instantly alert. He had very keen hearing, but you didn't need keen hearing to hear what he heard.
It was eerie.
"It's him."
He began to sleep. He was relieved. The grey ness of the dawn began to seep into his hut. So he knew it. The change was coming about. He always slept when he was going to change back. He waited.
He woke up again. It was Sunday. Hurray! He stretched his body. He felt his human body again, glad. He was human. Not a monster any longer. He found the clothes that he usually put out for himself, and yawned.
He was stiff, as usual. He felt cramped, tired. He stretched again, then set off down the passage way they'd given him. It was now daybreak, and Hogwarts was still sleeping as he got out of the secret passage way. Already the tiny tree they'd planted tried to hit him, but he dodged it, remarkably agile.
He was still part wolf.
Never forget that.
The grass was still dewy under his bare feet, and he felt bone tired. But he was human!
He entered the portrait hole. Now, all he had to do was go upstairs, and into his dormitory where Sirius, James and Peter would be sleeping and he would think of another excuse for this now, almost there. He turned the doorknob—
"Remus."
Damn.
"James. Sirius. Peter. Good morning."
He said it like it was perfectly normal for him to be entering a dorm at the crack of dawn, barefoot, and tired. Him, who never went anywhere. Well . . . except all over the school, but that was midnight.
"How come you're out so early, Rem?" asked Sirius.
He didn't answer. He was hungry.
"Catch," said Sirius, tossing a bag of biscuits. Good. Food. He bit down on it, aware that his incisors were still relatively long and pointed.
He sat on the bed. "So," he said, between bites. "Who are you waiting for?"
"You, Remus," said James, quietly.
Oh Merlin. 'How come?"
Sirius spoke now. "Look, Remus, we know you're a werewolf."
The blood drained from his face. It was not a pretty sight considering how pale he already was. He didn't say anything at all. Nothing.
His eyes flickered from pale brown to pale yellow and back again. He was confused. And wary, not nervous. Wary.
"So? What are you going to do about it?" he said, quietly, but the snarl hid right behind the words.
Sirius noticed the turn in his voice. "Remus. We're not going to do any—"
"Going to tell everyone else about it?" snarled Remus. "Going to get scared?"
"Remus!" said James.
The werewolf stared across at him, his eyes pale yellow, burning intensely. And for the first time in his life, James actually felt scared. This wasn't Remus. Not really. This was the wolf—and he realized that it was Remus as well.
He was scared.
He watched Remus stare at him, unsure of what to say, and scared. "Look, Remus, well, we know you're a werewolf—"
"That was already established," snarled Remus, dryly. He stared at his friend. James suddenly realized how pointed his teeth were. And then he noticed something. Remus was bleeding. The werewolf bit himself. He'd never been anywhere.
"The mystery of the Shrieking shack," he whispered to himself. He felt sorry for his friend.
"Remus. Look, we don't care."
"Stop lying."
Peter squeaked "What makes you think we're lying?"
"Your eyes. You're nothing but scared little liars." He moved towards the door. "I'm leaving you all alone." Stinking, scared liars. Yet something felt wrong. The wolf. Don't go, it told him.
Sirius jumped to his feet. And Remus disappeared straight through the door and was gone in a flash.
"Merlin's beard, where's he gone?"
"The library!"
Remus settled into the long distance loping run that he always used. The library. He arrived in the always open library. The librarian wasn't there. He ran inside, twisted between the shelves, dodging the views of the coffee fueled seventh years, and found the obscure shelf with the book.
It was still there, the full moon sneering up at him.
He grabbed the book, tilted it, and the shelves parted. The little lair was there, with his food. He was inside. His eyes glowed in the dark. He stayed there, warm, safe.
It was the first time that he had ever heard his other self really sort of speak.
He shouldn't have gone. No, he should have. Damn.
Sirius ran after Remus, followed closely by James. It turned out that Peter was a fast enough runner, too, skidding at turns.
"He should be here, Godric's wand, he's fast!" Remus heard this, loud and clear and laughed at Sirius' innovative curses.
They came to the library, and stopped short.
"It's practically empty!" said James.
Sirius shook his head. "The shelves. They're lots of those. Split up, and look between them."
"Ok. But how do we know we've" started Peter
"found him?" finished James.
"Sparks, gold and red," said Sirius.
Remus heard them. He crouched self defensively, ready to attack.
"I haven't seen him." They were in front of the same shelf. They'd met up there.
Sirius suddenly saw something. "That book, it's not in line."
"Astronomy?"
Peter had a sudden idea. "That book!" he said, "he's hiding between that book!"
The other two stared at him, while Remus laughed silently to himself. He had the right idea though.
Peter rolled his eyes at their stupidity, and yanked at the book.
There was Remus, in his silent laughter. He stepped out, no longer angry. "Nice to see you too," he said, his eyes twinkling. 'Honestly 'he's hiding between that book!"
They stared at him, starting to laugh. 'Look Remus, we don't care if you're a werewolf. You're you. You can't do anything about it."
He stared at them, eyes intense. "You know, you could never understand it. The silent pain, the misery. The agony of it, the hatred, the eyes, the teeth." He ran a hand over the incisors, smiled at them. The effect was wolfish.
"The misery. Of course it has its perks, but its lonely. No one would have accepted me."
"Dumbledore did,' said James, quietly, much like Harry in his later years.
"Yes. And hey, ok skip the mush. Look, you guys are the best and the only friends I've ever had in my life."
He looked at them. "One last thing. Thanks."
"You've scared us all to death, chased us around the school, and all you can say is thanks!"
He laughed at them. His pack. His pack of madcap friends. "Yeah. That's all I can say. Now what's for breakfast!"
"Wait you're hungrier than Sirius!"
"Is that a possibility!" asked Sirius.
"Yeah."
"Breakfast time!" They zipped down the stairs, heedless off all yelling people. Lily laughed at them, but they didn't hear her.
His pack.
His madcap pack.
One last chappie to go. That's coming soon.
