Disclaimer: CSI isn't mine
Spoilers: none
Author: Sab
Ratings: PG-13
Archive: Christmas would never be the same again
Feedback: will be greatly appreciated
A/N: It's all in Grissom's POV. Enjoy!
( ) - indicates the flashbacks.
Title: Saturnine Yuletide
Fifteen more minutes before twelve, fifteen more minutes before Christmas, I stand here in the darkness of my office as memories of the Christmas one year ago comes back into my mind.
December twenty-third was the lab's Christmas party, it was held in a hotel but it was really nothing big, nonetheless everybody was dressed-up. Catherine – she's my friend, she insisted that I wear a suit, and so I did. When I arrived at the hotel everybody was already there, every one except my friend Catherine. A few minutes later as the door opens as if like magnet my attention was shifted from my conversation with Brass to her. I don't know how or why but every time we are on the same room I feel her presence, and that was how I learned she was already there. Our eyes met and she smiled at me, everything seemed to have vanished as my eyes focused on her, she was walking towards me and it was as if she was walking in slow motion. She approached me and she kissed me lightly on the cheek, she commented on my suit, she says I looked nice. She greeted the whole team, and giving her apologies for being late, she told us that the baby-sitter was late.
She sits beside me and suddenly I felt uncomfortable, I was never like that around her. I'm usually always at ease around her and that night I wondered why I was feeling differently. Probably it's the dress. She was wearing a very beautiful dress, and she could not have looked more divine. "You look beautiful." I whispered to her. She blushed and smiled at me lightly, the music started playing, "Would you like to dance?" she asks me.
"You know I don't dance, Cath."
"Even for me?" she pouts and wears that look, so I give in. how could I ever resist that look?
We walked towards the dance floor; I hold her hand in one hand while my other hand rested by the side of her hips. While we were dancing I was feeling tensed, I was not that great of a dancer, what if I step on her? And the fact that I could feel all eyes on us doesn't help either, but then she speaks, "Relax, Gil." I look at her and she smiles at me, and suddenly I'm relaxed. My eyes were fixed with hers and I'm lost, I have forgotten of the other people in the room, I have forgotten where we were all I know is that I was there with her. Minutes later when consciousness has finally found its way back to me I became aware that both my arms are securely around her, and that her arms are around my neck, I was suddenly aware that our faces were merely inches apart. I could feel her breath on my face, it took me all the will power I have ever acquired and have to not kiss her.
"I think we should go back to our table." I whisper to her, so we made our way back to the table. When we came back we found the team engaged on some kind of conversation. As soon as we settled Catherine joined their discussion, I for one could not comprehend anything; my mind was spinning along with the loud thumping of my heart. I could not forget the precious moment that we had in the dance floor, the feeling of having her in my arms. A little more later I feel her hand on my knee, "Gil, are you okay?"
"I'm fine." I smile reassuringly at her and finally I was able to compose my self and joined them. Before the evening ended it was time for the exchange gifts. I got Warrick's name, Catherine got someone from the dayshift. When the evening – or rather morning ended we all headed out of the hotel, it was already one o'clock in the morning of December twenty fourth when the party ended. "I'll go ahead guys! Merry Christmas!" Sara waved good-bye to them as she got in to her car.
"I'm gonna go too! Merry Christmas guys!" Nick got to his, "Well, I'd better get going, Greg are you gonna ride with me?"
"Yea. Catherine, Grissom, we got to go, Merry Christmas!"
Catherine and I were left alone in the parking lot, I felt the cold breeze touch my face and I saw Catherine shiver a little, "Are you cold?"
"I'm okay. Um, Gil, do you have plans for Christmas?"
"Yea, I have a date with tons of paper work."
She rolls her eyes playfully, "Why do you always have to go to work on Christmas?"
"I have nothing else to do."
"Why don't you come by at my place?"
"If I go no one will be at the lab on Christmas day, I have to be there."
"How about on Christmas Eve?"
"I would love too, but-"
"It's okay." She smiles and nods at me, "Merry Christmas Gil." She kisses me lightly on the cheek and heads to her car. I watch her drove away and I was left standing alone in the middle of the parking lot. "Merry Christmas Catherine."
Later that day of December twenty-fourth, one more day before Christmas - But criminals seem to not take any consideration on dates, occasions or holidays of the year. After going on and on over the photos taken at the scene, and narrowing suspects to only two, by the end I ended up with shoe-prints. It was eleven o'clock, one more hour before Christmas when I came back to my office. As I got inside my office the light is off except for the lamp on my desk, I then saw Catherine sitting on my chair with her feet on my desk and a bottle of wine with two glasses which is also placed on top of my desk.
"What are you doing here?"
"Nice to see you too Gil."
I smirk at her, "I was just surprised to see you."
"In a good or bad way?"
"A very good way." I sit on the opposite chair, "I don't want you to spend Christmas Eve alone, and so I figured if you can't come to me then I'll come to you."
I grin at her; she has no idea how much this means to me. I get the glass of wine and open it, "Oh wait, I forgot I'm still on the clock."
"Have you finished your case?"
"Yes."
"Well, then you're done, come on let's drink."
And so we drank and we talked and just enjoyed each other's company. A little while later we are seated on the couch on my office, I think Catherine is already becoming a little tipsy; I on the other hand have managed to have control on the amount of liquor I drink. She glances at her wristwatch, "Two minutes before twelve."
"You're doing a count down?"
"Yes."
"Do you always make a count-down for Christmas?"
"No."
"What's so different this year?"
"I have to tell you something."
I could say from the tone of her voice that it was something serious, so I shift from my position and face her. "What is it?"
"We've been good friends for so long, and frankly I never thought that we are meant for anything more, but then I realized that well, Gil …"
At the struck of twelve, she utters the first words I hear from her on Christmas day, "I'm in love with you."
I can no longer bear to recall the next scenes so I shrug it off and I decide to come back to the real world. I take a deep breath and I head out of my office and am on my way to the break room.
It's weird, but I could feel something different in the atmosphere, and as I reach the doorway to the break room I realize why. I stand frozen on my position, she's here. After a year of not seeing her, she's here.
"Catherine."
She turns her head and our eyes meet. "Gil."
For a moment I felt my heart beat stopped. Neither of us were moving, neither of us knew what to say, our eyes were like battling and longing both at the same time. "Catherine!" I was startled by the voice coming from behind.
"Sara, hey!" I watch as the two women exchanged hugs, unbelievable, truthfully they were never that close but I guess they are now.
I stand here still frozen, I'm not sure whether I should go in there and greet her or just stay here. I struggle as to what I should do, "I say you go in there and say hi." and I glance at Jim who is standing right beside me. I take a deep breath in attempt to gather all the courage in the world, one, two, three, four, five …
One more step and I'm inside, but I froze again. I watch her place a magazine down the table – I can see the front cover of the magazine, a woman in a wedding gown but it doesn't really matter that much does it?
And it's not really her I'm watching, I'm looking at her hand, more particularly her finger … the diamond ring on her finger.
My heartbeat has increased its tempo, and at the same time it's about to be in a halt. She has just told me that she's in love with me, but can it be true? She said the words in a slur, obviously she's drunk, she can't mean any of it and I should know better than keeping my hopes up. Catherine and I are friends, and I for one could attest that alcohol has its effects on Catherine. By morning she'd probably forget about what she has said.
I swallowed hard. "Catherine you're drunk."
"I'm not drunk."
"Yes you are, come on, I'll take you home."
"I don't want to go home, Lindsey's with Nancy, no one's at home."
"You have to take some sleep."
"I'll sleep here."
She lays down the couch using my lap as her pillow and within seconds I hear her breathing even out. She is already fast asleep and I savor the moment of watching her sleep, she looks so peaceful, so content, so beautiful. I let my fingers ran through her hair, how sad it is that I hear her utter the words I have been waiting for only to know that it can't be possibly true. And so before I loose all of my control I slowly stand up and just let her rest on the couch.
I close the lights and the door to my office as I head out, and by the time I come back a few hours later she's already up.
"Good morning."
She looks up at me with a smile, "Good morning."
"I made coffee in the break room."
"Gil."
"Hmm?"
"Aren't you going to tell me anything?"
"O yea. Merry Christmas."
She sighs, and nods, "Merry Christmas" she replies.
I have the feeling she was talking about the night before, but I don't want to talk about it, coz I also have the feeling that she was about to apologize for it.
After saying our greetings of Merry Christmas, Catherine tells me that she would no longer be staying for coffee; she needed to pick up Lindsey right away.
A week later when she came back from Montana, neither of us ever mentioned that night or rather I never mentioned it again, I doubt she even remembers it. Or probably she does and she's probably relieved that I never mentioned it again. And so things got back to normal until two weeks later when she hands me her resignation letter, she has been transferred to Los Angeles.
"Why are you leaving?"
"I have a better job offer there."
"Are you sure you want to leave?"
"Oh come on Gil, I'll still keep in touch with you guys! If ever you need me I'm just a phone call away." she tries to lighten up the mood. She is smiling at me but there is something different with her eyes. Come to think of it has been there since that morning, that morning when she asked me if I had something to say to her and I greeted her a Merry Christmas.
She kept her word, she would email me at least twice or thrice a month, and every time I hear from her I feel my heart skipping a beat because of joy. She tells me of her new job and what has been happening to her. She never calls me though, and I know for a fact that she and the other members of the team are always talking on the phone and are sending emails to each other on a regular basis, I never dared to ask why our communication isn't like the one she has with the others on the team, I was grateful with the emails I get. Sometimes I think she only mails them to me so she could keep her word of keeping in touch, and it always makes me sad so I just shrug it off.
Without any hesitation I turn around and head to back to my sanctuary she has never mentioned it to me.
As I enter my office I sit back on my chair with my hands covering my face, I am feeling something, something that I've never felt before. I'm not sure how you call it, or what you call it; all I know is that I'm not sure if I can tolerate it.
I can feel myself starting to shiver I feel something wet touch the tip of my fingers, I look at my hand and I try to feel what was on my face.
Tears.
I'm crying. I can't remember the last time I cried, and right now though I'm trying to stop it I can't. And somehow it feels good; it actually helps this feeling I have. I think now I know how it feels like to get your heart be stabbed by a knife, to feel your heart breaking into tiny pieces. You know what I want right now? I want this office to collapse on me, I feel myself shrinking lower and lower, and I hate this feeling. This is not me. This can't be me.
And as I try to fight the feeling with my tears welling down I hear a knock on my door. I quickly wipe my tears dry, "Come in."
The door slowly opens and I see her sauntering towards me. "Hi."
"Hi."
"Aren't you happy to see?"
"Of course I am." I try to compose myself and manage to give her a reassuring smile.
"So how have you been?" she asks as she takes a sit opposite me.
"Good. You?"
"Great. Gil uh …" she gives me a wide grin, "I'm getting married!"
"Congratulations."
She sighs, and she looks at me, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing." I say as I stood up and walked towards the other side of the room as to avoid her gaze.
"Gil. Stop lying to me."
"If I tell you, you might hate me." I tell her as I turn around and face her
"I can never hate you." she stands up.
"I was just thinking."
"About?"
"Last Christmas."
"What about it?"
"Uh nothing."
"Were you thinking of the night I told you I'm in love with you?"
My head snaps back at her, did I hear her correctly?
"Did you mean what you said?"
"Yes."
"I thought .."
"When you said nothing back I accepted that you've rejected me" she shrugged as she stood up and I walk towards her and let my hands rest on her shoulder, "I didn't thought you mean it."
"Well it doesn't really matter now does it?"
She was to leave but I get a hold of her hand, "Cath." I kiss her hand, and I look at her in the eye, "Catherine, please give me a chance." I'm begging her, and as I beg for her to consider this I'm praying, and hoping that she would give me what I ask.
"I've given you more than just a chance, but you threw it away."
"Catherine I love you." I am desperate, and I made no effort to cover the desperateness and pleading on my voice.
"It's too late."
She moves away but I refuse to let go of her hand, she turns back at me and she sighs, she lifts her hands and touches my face.
I close my eyes and let myself be lost to the feeling of her touch. I feel her soft lips kiss my forehead, "Merry Christmas, Gil." I hear her whisper in my ear. As I open my eyes I see her retreating back, I
glance at the wall clock, it has just struck twelve.
"Merry Christmas."
As I utter those words, I feel the pain in my heart getting worse. I close my eyes trying to remember and feel the sensation of having her so close to me. As I reminisce her last words, I try to savor it with all of my being, knowing that that would be the last time I get to hear her great me, a Merry Christmas.
END
Edited:
Title: Saturnine Yuletide
Summary: Christmas would never be the same again
Note: ( ) - indicates the flashbacks.
Grissom's POV
Fifteen more minutes before twelve, fifteen more minutes before Christmas, I
stand here in the darkness of my office as memories of the Christmas one
year ago comes back into my mind.
December twenty-third was the lab's Christmas party. It was held in a hotel but it was really nothing big, nonetheless everybody was dressed-up. Catherine - she's my friend, insisted that I wear a suit, and so I did. When I arrived at the hotel everybody was already there, every one except Catherine. A few minutes later the door opens. As if by magnet my attention was shifted from my conversation with Brass to her. I don't know how or why but every time we are on the same room I feel her presence. That was how I learned she was there. Our eyes met and she smiled at me. Everything else seemed to have vanished as my eyes focused on her. She was walking towards me and it was as if she was walking in slow motion. Catherine approached me and kissed me lightly on the cheek, commenting on my suit, saying I looked nice. She greeted the whole team, and gave her apologies for being late. She told us that the baby-sitter was late.
She sat beside me and suddenly I felt uncomfortable. I was never like that around her. I'm usually always at ease around her and that night I wondered why I was feeling differently. Probably it's the dress. She was wearing a very beautiful dress, and she could not have looked more divine.
"You look beautiful." I whispered to her.
She blushed and smiled at me lightly. The music started playing, "Would youlike to dance?" she asked me.
"You know I don't dance, Cath."
"Even for me?" she pouted and wore that look. I give in as how could I ever resist that look?
We walked towards the dance floor. I held her hand in one of mine while my other hand rested by the side of her hips. While we were dancing I was tense. I was not that great of a dancer. What if I step on her? And the fact that I felt all eyes on us doesn't help either.
But then she spoke. "Relax, Gil."
I looked at her and she smiled at me, and suddenly I was relaxed. My eyes were fixed with hers and I was lost. I had forgotten the other people in the room. I had forgotten where we were. All I knew is that I was there with her. Minutes later when consciousness had finally found its way back to me, I became aware that both my arms were securely around her, and that her arms were around my neck. I was suddenly aware that our faces were merely inches apart. I could feel her breath on my face. It took me all the will power I had ever acquired and had to not kiss her.
"I think we should go back to our table." I whispered to her and so we made our way back to the table.
When we had arrived back we found the team engaged in some kind of
conversation. As soon as we had settled, Catherine joined their discussion. I for one could not comprehend anything. My mind was spinning along with the loud thumping of my heart. I could not forget the precious moment that we had in the dance floor, the feeling of having her in my arms. A few moments later I felt her hand on my knee.
"Gil, are you okay?"
"I'm fine." I smiled reassuringly at her and finally I was able to compose my self and join them.
Before the evening ended it was time to exchange gifts. I had received
Warrick's name, Catherine had gotten someone from the dayshift. When the evening - or rather morning ended we all headed out of the hotel, it was already one o'clock in the morning of December twenty fourth.
"I'll go ahead guys! Merry Christmas!" Sara waved good-bye to us as she got into her car.
"I'm gonna go too! Merry Christmas guys!" Nick got to his car.
"I'm heading off too! Greg are you gonna ride with me?" Warrick called for Greg.
"Yeah! Catherine, Grissom, Merry Christmas!"
Catherine and I were left alone in the parking lot. I felt the cold breeze touch my face and I saw Catherine shiver a little.
"Are you cold?"
"I'm okay. Um, Gil, do you have plans for Christmas?"
"Yeah, I have a date with tons of paper work."
She rolled her eyes playfully. "Why do you always have to go to work on
Christmas?"
"I have nothing else to do."
"Why don't you come by at my place?"
"If I go, no one will be at the lab on Christmas day. I have to be there."
"How about on Christmas Eve?"
"I would love too, but-"
"It's okay." She smiled and nodded at me. "Merry Christmas Gil." She kissed
me lightly on the cheek and headed to her car.
I watched her drive away and I was left standing alone in the middle of the
parking lot. "Merry Christmas Catherine."
Later that day of December twenty-fourth, one more day before Christmas - But criminals seem to not take any consideration on dates, occasions or holidays of the year. After going over and over the photos taken at the scene, and narrowing suspects to only two, by the end I ended up with shoe-prints. It was eleven o'clock, one more hour before Christmas when I came back to my office. As I got inside my office the light was off except for the lamp on my desk. I then saw Catherine sitting on my chair with her feet on my desk and a bottle of wine with two glasses also placed on top of my desk.
"What are you doing here?"
"Nice to see you too Gil."
I smirked at her. "I was just surprised to see you."
"In a good or bad way?"
"A very good way." I sat on the opposite chair.
"I don't want you to spend Christmas Eve alone, and so I figured if you
can't come to me then I'll come to you."
I grinned at her. She had no idea how much this meant to me. I got the
bottle of wine and opened it. "Oh wait, I forgot I'm still on the clock."
"Have you finished your case?"
"Yes."
"Well, then you're done, come on let's drink."
And so we drank and we talked and just enjoyed each other's company. A
little while later we were seated on the couch in my office. I thought
Catherine was already becoming a little tipsy. I on the other hand managed to control the amount of liquor I drink.
She glanced at her wristwatch. "Two minutes before twelve."
"You're doing a count down?"
"Yes."
"Do you always make a count-down for Christmas?"
"No."
"What's so different this year?"
"I have to tell you something."
I could tellfrom the tone of her voice that it was something serious, so I
shifted from my position and faced her. "What is it?"
"We've been good friends for so long, and frankly I never thought that we
were meant for anything more, but then I realized that well, Gil ..."
At the strike of twelve, she utters the first words I heard from her on
Christmas day. "I'm in love with you."
I can no longer bear to recall the next scenes so I shrug it off and decide to come back to the real world. I take a deep breath and I head out of my office, on my way to the break room.
It's weird, but I can feel something different in the atmosphere, and as I reach the doorway to the break room I realize why. I stand frozen on my position. She's here. After a year of not seeing her, she's here.
"Catherine."
She turns her head and our eyes meet. "Gil."
For a moment I feel my heart beat stop. Neither of us were moving, neither of us knew what to say. Our eyes were battling and longing both at the same time.
"Catherine!"
I was startled by the voice coming from behind.
"Sara, hey!"
I watch as the two women exchanged hugs. Unbelievable. Truthfully they were never that close, but I guess they are now.
I stand here still frozen. I'm not sure whether I should go in there and greet her or just stay here. I struggle as to what I should do.
"I say you go in there and say hi."
I glance at Jim who is standing right beside me. I take a deep breath in attempt to gather all the courage in the world, one, two, three, four, five.
One more step and I'm inside, but I freeze again. I watch her place a
magazine down the table. I can see the front cover of the magazine - a woman in a wedding gown. But it doesn't really matter that much does it?
And it's not really magazine or her that I'm watching. I'm looking at her hand, more particularly her finger. The diamond ring on her finger.
My heartbeat had increased its tempo, and at the same time it was about to halt. She had just told me that she's in love with me, but can it be true?
She said the words in a slur, obviously she's drunk. She can't mean any of it and I should know better than keeping my hopes up. Catherine and I are friends, and I for one could attest that alcohol had its effects on Catherine. By morning she'd probably forget about what she has said.
I swallowed hard. "Catherine you're drunk."
"I'm not drunk."
"Yes you are, come on, I'll take you home."
"I don't want to go home. Lindsey's with Nancy, no one's at home."
"You have to take some sleep."
"I'll sleep here."
She laid down the couch, using my lap as her pillow and within seconds I heard her breathing even out. She was already fast asleep and I savored the moment of watching her sleep. She looked so peaceful, so content, so beautiful. I had let my fingers run through her hair. How sad it is that I heard her utter the words I have been waiting for - only to know that it can't be possibly true. And so before I loose all of my control I slowly stood up and just let her rest on the couch.
I close the door to my office as I headed out, and by the time I came back a few hours later she's already up.
"Good morning."
She looked up at me with a smile. "Good morning."
"I made coffee in the break room."
"Gil."
"Hmm?"
"Aren't you going to tell me anything?"
"Oh yeah. Merry Christmas."
She sighed, and nodded, "Merry Christmas" she replied.
I had the feeling she was talking about the night before, but I don't want to talk about it, because I also had the feeling that she was about to apologize for it.
After saying our greetings of Merry Christmas, Catherine told me that she would no longer be staying for coffee. She needed to pick up Lindsey right away.
A week later when she came back from Montana, neither of us ever mentioned that night or rather I never mentioned it again. I doubt she even remembered it. Or probably she did and she's probably relieved that I never mentioned it again. And so things got back to normal until two weeks later when she handed me her resignation letter. She has been transferred to Los Angeles.
"Why are you leaving?"
"I have a better job offer there."
"Are you sure you want to leave?"
"Oh come on Gil, I'll still keep in touch with you guys! If ever you need me I'm just a phone call away." She tried to lighten up the mood. She was smiling at me but there was something different in her eyes.
Come to think of it, it had been there since that morning. That morning when she asked me if I had something to say to her and I greeted her with Merry Christmas.
She kept her word. She would email me at least twice or three times a month, and every time I heard from her I felt my heart skipping a beat because of joy. She told me of her new job and what had been happening to her. She never called me though, and I know for a fact that she and the other members of the team are always talking on the phone and are sending emails to each other on a regular basis. I never dared to ask why our communication isn't like the ones she has with the others on the team. I was grateful with the emails I got. Sometimes I think she only mailed them to me so she could keep her word of keeping in touch, and it always made me sad. So I just shrug it off.
Without any hesitation I turn around and head to back to my sanctuary.
She has never mentioned it to me.
As I enter my office, I sit back in my chair with my hands covering my face. I am feeling something, something that I've never felt before. I'm not sure what you'd call it; all I know is that I'm not sure if I can tolerate it.
I can feel myself starting to quiver. I feel something wet touch the tip of my fingers. I look at my hand and I try to feel what is on my face.
Tears.
I'm crying. I can't remember the last time I cried, and right now, though I'm trying to stop it I can't. And somehow it feels good; it actually helps this feeling I have. I think now I know how it feels like to get your heart be stabbed by a knife; to feel your heart breaking into tiny pieces. You know what I want right now? I want this office to collapse on me. I feel myself shrinking lower and lower, and I hate this feeling. This is not me.
This can't be me.
And as I try to fight the feeling with my tears pouring down, I hear a knock on my door. I quickly wipe my tears dry. "Come in."
The door slowly opens and I see her sauntering towards me. "Hi."
"Hi."
"Aren't you happy to see?"
"Of course I am." I try to compose myself and manage to give her a
reassuring smile.
"So how have you been?" she asks, as she takes a seat opposite me.
"Good. You?"
"Great. Gil uh ..." she gives me a wide grin, "I'm getting married!"
"Congratulations."
She sighs, and she looks at me. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing." I say as I stand up and walk towards the other side of the room to avoid her gaze.
"Gil. Stop lying to me."
"If I tell you, you might hate me." I tell her as I turn around and face her
"I can never hate you." She stands up.
"I was just thinking."
"About?"
"Last Christmas."
"What about it?"
"Uh nothing."
"Were you thinking of the night I told you that I'm in love with you?"
My head snaps back at her. Did I hear her correctly?
"Did you mean what you said?"
"Yes."
"I thought .."
"When you said nothing back I accepted that you'd rejected me." She shrugs as she stands up and I walk towards her and let my hands rest on her shoulder.
"I didn't thought you mean it."
"Well, it doesn't really matter now does it?"
She was about to leave but I grab a hold of her hand. "Cath." I kiss her hand, and I look at her in the eye. "Catherine, please give me a chance." I'm begging her, and as I beg for her to consider this I'm praying, and hoping that she would give me what I ask.
"I've given you more than just a chance, but you threw it away."
"Catherine I love you." I am desperate, and I make no effort to cover the desperation and pleading in my voice.
"It's too late."
She moves away but I refuse to let go of her hand. She turns back to me and she sighs, lifting her hands and touching my face.
I close my eyes and let myself be lost in the feeling of her touch. I feel her soft lips kiss my forehead.
"Merry Christmas, Gil." I hear her whisper in my ear.
As I open my eyes I see her retreating back. I glance at the wall clock. It has just struck twelve.
"Merry Christmas."
As I utter those words, I feel the pain in my heart getting worse. I close my eyes trying to remember and feel the sensation of having her so close to me. As I reminisce her last words, I try to savor them with all of my being, knowing that that would be the last time I get to hear her greet me, Merry Christmas.
END
