Inside The Actor's Studio With Bender
The preserved head of James Lipton began speaking from its jar to the students of the Actors Studio in New New York. "You all know my first guest from his appearances on 'All My Circuits' and his buddy films with Earth's most famous robot actor, Calculon. Ladies and Gentlemen, before we welcome Bender, let us look at a clip from his film, "Flowers for Calculon 2 – Hawaiian Horrormoan".
A scene plays on a large holo-screen. A basic bending model robot was standing amid a pile of l-shaped steel girders. On a small island of solid ground surrounded by lava, a beautiful crushing model robot was pleading for her life. In an electronic voice, the Crushinator said, "Just straighten two of the I-beams and space them so that my tank tracks can roll across to safety, my Love."
Bender chugged a fifth of Vodka. "But I'm a bending unit, not a straightening unit!"
The lava welled up and the five-ton crushing robot began to melt away. "I will always love you," she exclaimed in her toneless voice, "nearly as much as I love Calculon."
"Noooooo!" Bender cried. "I hate you Robot God," he yelled, pumping his fist at the sky, "but at least, thank-you for taking her instead of me," he finished weakly.
James Lipton's head gave the audience its glassy stare: "Brilliant," he said.
"Now, ladies, gentlemen, aliens and robots, please, welcome the Universe's greatest actor of the actors that I will be interviewing today. Welcome, Bender!"
Bender entered stage left and crossed to the podium on which sat the jar containing Lipton's head. After shaking the thin metal arms Lipton used to shuffle through his stack of blue, glowing cards, he took a seat across from the host.
"Hello, Chumps and Chumpettes," Bender said.
"Welcome, Mr. Bender," Lipton said. "I, today, am once more humbled by greatness due to your presence."
Bender politely responded, "Up yours!"
"Yes," James Lipton said. "Again, you honor me, sir. Let us get right to the questions."
Two spindly metal arms shuffled and flipped through the set of cards with questions Lipton had still failed to memorize after more than a thousand years. He began in his monotonous drone:
Lipton: What is your favorite word?
Bender: Ass
Lipton: What is your least favorite word?
Bender: Antiquing.
Lipton: What turns you on?
Bender: All night liquor stores
Lipton: What turns you off?
Bender: Utah
Lipton: What sound do you love?
Bender: The sound of drunken revelry
Lipton: What sound do you hate?
Bender: Any sound made by living children
Lipton: What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?
Bender: Daffodil grower
Lipton: What profession would you not like to participate in?
Bender: Interviewing self-centered actors on a low-rated cable show
Lipton: What is your favorite curse word?
Bender: Same as my favorite word…ass
Lipton: If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
Bender: We've filled your pimpmobile with whiskey
Lipton: Fascinating. Thank you and have a good night.
Bender: Bite My Shiny Metal Ass
