TITLE: What is Needed Most part 9
AUTHOR: sablecain
DISCLAIMER: see part 1
another short bit for you today, rl is attacking (sick 21 month old) but i hopefully can still manage a post a day. thanks for hanging in there and giving lovely words of encouragement...and threats, i appreciate those as well:)
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part 9
The wind and rain lashed brutally at Rodney as he fought, pushed back against the balcony rail. "You still need me!" he protested trying not to think of the sea raging hungrily below him. He scowled angrily and struggled to keep his footing, but the pressure…Then, horror filled him; the rail was suddenly gone and he was falling, flailing, screaming.
"You still need me!" he cried desperately slamming into the sea; the waves swallowing him as John Sheppard watched from above…smiling.
Rodney came aware with a harsh shout, gasping for air and struggling to sit up. Agony tore through him and instinctively his body curled tighter as he flopped back to the ground with another tortured cry. He took a deep breath, trying to chase the vision of John grinning above him from his mind. He knew it wasn't real, it couldn't be. He wasn't in the water, John hadn't pushed him. John would never do that and yet…he could remember…John and a railing and falling.
No, he struggled, trying to get his thoughts to work. It was Kolya who'd kidnapped him. Kolya who'd hit him; Kolya who'd shot him. NO. He'd gotten himself shot…. He'd screwed up and… and…
A wave of pain swept through him again. Shot. He'd been shot and Kolya had found the scanner, the signal. John wasn't coming because there was no more signal. Kolya had left him…to die.
Fumbling, Rodney tried to move, tried to make his hands obey his commands and work. He needed to do something, to stop the bleeding, but he couldn't. He couldn't twist in the right direction, God, it hurt. His arms and hands felt like lead. He couldn't do it right…couldn't do anything right.
He turned his head, trying to see if anyone was still in the cave. Was he really alone? He saw nothing but empty shadows. Dark, scary shadows. He was alone. His eyes settled on the ancient device, the top keys still glowed. Their colors were bright- red, green, yellow, blue-not dull and dark like his sister's broken game.
"Rodney!" He could hear her outraged screech again. "You broke it! You…you idiot!" She came at him, tears in her eyes, grabbing the parts from his hands and ignoring his protests.
"I can fix it." He reached out but she batted his hand away, glaring angrily.
"Don't touch it, you jerk," she screamed. "I'm telling. DAD!"
"NO! Don't tell." He tried again but she pushed him back, shoving him into her pink dresser.
"Why do you have to screw everything up?" she cried. "You. Screw. Up. Everything!"
His father had dragged him from her room into his own, and then took away everything. His tools, his science kits, his books…everything. Rodney had tried to reason with his father, tried to explain that he could fix the toy. He tried to make his father understand - he just wanted to see how it had worked, but in the end, his father had just looked at him with that look. That look he'd seen so many times before. The look that said 'you're a disappointment, Rodney.' 'You screwed up again, kid.' 'I really don't care, so leave me alone,' and then he had turned and walked away leaving Rodney with the sudden awful realization. It wasn't that that his father couldn't understand him…he just didn't want to bother to try.
Rodney turned away from the device, pushing the hazy memory away, straining to see further into the depths of the cavern. His teeth chattered and he realized he was cold. The burning fire in his side had faded and now, a deep, numbing cold settled over him. This was not good. He stared up at the dirt ceiling. He was already in the ground. He was dying…already in his grave. He clenched his jaw, trying in vain to still his teeth, and wondered if Sheppard would ever find his body. Would John keep looking, searching worlds with known Genii spies in an attempt to find out what had happened to him? Was John even looking now? Maybe Kolya was right, maybe…
Rodney closed his eyes. It didn't matter. The signal was gone, he'd screwed that up, he thought blearily. His eyelids felt heavy as he blinked them closed and strained to open them again. He was so cold, so tired. It was hard to take a breath; it hurt to breathe deeply. The room was closing in on him. He didn't want to be alone. His heart raced, he didn't want to die this way. He didn't want to die at all, not like so many that he'd let down already. Abrams, Gall, Dumays, Peterson…so many he couldn't think straight to remember them all. He'd let them all down, just like he let everyone down. He always had, somehow.
He felt so heavy, so very heavy, like he was sinking into the dirt and it would swallow him: his grave. He'd always been afraid of graves, every since his great-grandmother's funeral when he was five. Terrified at the idea of being lowered into the ground, buried under all that dirt…alone.
He didn't want to be alone, it just always seemed to work out that way. For years, he knew he'd pushed everyone away, not letting anyone get too close, not letting anyone see the real Rodney McKay. It was safer that way. You couldn't let anyone down if they didn't care, and when they turned their backs on you and walked away…they couldn't ever see how much it destroyed you inside. But now, on Atlantis, he'd thought maybe…
His eyes watered, and a tear rolled across his temple, stinging the open, oozing cut and burning, before it pooled in his ear, tickling him. He giggled as another tear followed, and another, until he didn't care anymore that he was crying. It didn't matter…he was alone and he was dying.
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Sheppard took off after Kolya, knowing that Ford would follow. Carson had the other life signs detector for Teyla and the others to use. He followed the tunnel, watching Kolya's life sign and straining to see any sign of the man as the commander stayed just far enough ahead of him to be out of range. He wanted to shoot the bastard down, but knew he needed to find out where Rodney was first. He had to find Rodney.
The passage opened suddenly into a huge cavernous room with some kind of machine in the center. John pulled up with caution. Surprisingly, Kolya slowed, almost pausing in the opening of another tunnel that branched off to the left. He looked at Sheppard, unphased by the Major's angry pursuit. He merely looked at something beyond the device, then looked up at Sheppard again, smiling knowingly before he disappeared into the depths of the new passage.
"Kolya!" John shouted, confused by the commander's strange behavior. He ran through the room, wishing Kolya had paused long enough for him to get a shot off instead of just glancing at…
Sheppard's eyes followed instinctively to where Kolya had looked. He raised his weapon, fully expecting an ambush or bomb or anything but what he actually found. He stopped cold, changing directions so fast he stumbled, lurched and ended up on his hands and knees scrambling to McKay's side. Rodney was unconscious. His face was slack and covered with dirt and blood.
"McKay? Oh God, Rodney?" He dropped his weapon and the life signs detector, forgetting its function and reached for McKay, holding his breath as his fingers trembled against Rodney's neck, searching, feeling and praying for a heartbeat.
