Author's Notes: Again, thanks to everyone for their reviews. I have two more chapters for this part and then it will continue under Squids and Jarheads, Part 2. It's pretty long. Anyway, I'm glad that you are enjoying it. Oh, by the way, since we don't know Mac's birthday, I made one up. I just realized that I made a big mistake…Mac is rescued and at Ramstein in March, not September. Sorry about that, folks.
Disclaimer: I don't own JAG and I don't own the song The Rose.
Chapter Four—A Place in My Heart
1015 EST
25 March 1991
Lt. Sarah Mackenzie's Room
Room 204
Bethesda Naval Hospital
Bethesda, Maryland
I take a deep breath and try to calm myself down before I go into Mac's room. I missed her by a few days at Ramstein and am here now, on emergency leave, to see her. I had to see her. I just had to. I'm just not really sure if she'll want me back after the pain that she has been through when it comes to us. Okay, think Marine, you need a flight plan. Just try and approach this as first trying to be friends and then you can ease back into something more with her.
I knock on the hatch and go in when I hear her quietly call "enter." I go in and find Mac sitting in a chair, her right knee propped up on pillows and a footstool.
"Mac?"
She turns around and I can see the black and blue marks all over her face, arms, and neck. She looks accusingly at me, "What the hell are you doing here?"
"I'm listed as your next-of-kin and they called me."
"I don't want to talk to you." She says, turning back around to face the window.
I sigh and walk over so that I'm blocking her view. I hand her the dozen yellow roses that I brought with me, "A peace offering?"
She glares up at me but accepts the flowers. There's a card attached and she pulls it out. It reads:
Sarah, I know that we parted on bad terms but I wanted you to know that I have never cheated on you. There is still a place for you in my heart, as there will always be. I still love you but I hope that we can reconnect just as friends and see what happens from there. Your Marine?
She looks up at me with tears in her eyes, "You've always been my Marine."
I kneel down and wipe the tears that have fallen, "I know that we have been through rough spots before. I just want to be your friend, Sarah and get you through this. And maybe, later, after I've gained your trust back, we can see what happens between the two of us. Can you live with that?"
"I guess that I can. But don't rush me, Harm. This may take a while."
"I will wait for you forever, Sarah." I say and smile, "By the way, today's your birthday. So I got you something."
"You didn't have to do that."
"I wanted to." I say as I pull out a small velvet box and hand it to her.
She unties the yellow ribbon and finds a gold chain with three charms on it. She looks at me questioningly, "Harm?"
"The heart is for love, the cross is for faith, and the anchor is for hope. You're going to need all three to get through the next couple of months. Will you wear it for me?"
"Of course." She says and smiles, "Thank you so much, Harm."
"Just remember, Sarah, that I'm here for you."
2020 EST
28 March 1991
Lt. Sarah Mackenzie's Room
Room 204
Bethesda Naval Hospital
Bethesda, Maryland
"Gin!" I say as I smile at Harm. We have been playing a card after finishing up the half cheese, half meat lovers pizza. He's been staying at my apartment in D.C. My apartment has been my safe heaven when I'm in D.C., which is not as often as I would like.
"Mac, you're the master at this game. Has anyone ever beaten you?"
"Only the girls that I learned it from." I say and smile at him. It's been a good couple of days. Harm has been here everyday, bringing me some kind of food to help with the nasty hospital food. He has also brought me books and videos.
"Mac?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Fire away."
"Can you tell me about what happened to you in Iraq?" he quietly asks me. My shrinks says that I should tell her but there is no way in hell that I am going to tell her about it. I doubt that I will even tell Harm.
"Why do you want to know about that?" I ask him.
"Sarah, I want to know about all the pain that you are going through. I want to help you through it."
"Harm, I don't want to talk about it."
"Mac, you have to talk to someone."
"The one person that I would tell is dead. His body is in the damn Iraqi desert right now."
"Matt?"
"Yeah. How did you know about him?"
"You two were famous. Everyone knew about you."
"Really?" I ask him, surprised. Matt and I never thought of ourselves as good, just people who were doing their jobs.
"Yeah. Can you pretend that I'm Matt and tell me?" he asks me, his puppy dog look coming on his face.
"Tell you what, Harm, I'll tell you. It has been bothering me and I have the need to talk to someone."
"I'm listening." he says, leaning back in the chair that he's sitting in.
"It started when we were just doing regular bombing runs with the bombers. The Iraqis had sent up AAA, which somehow we missed detecting because none of us had a clue that it was there until it was shooting up bullets. It was so scary, Harm. I mean, I know that I was supposed to remain calm and everything but I couldn't. I was panicking. As we were headed towards the ground, Matt told me later that the last words that he heard me say was, 'I love you, Harm.' As we hit the ground, the plane blew upon impact. I got out okay and tried to save Matt but he had internal bleeding so there was nothing that I could do. Harm, I had to save him. He was the one with a wife and two kids. It should have been me who went. He should be here now, visiting with his wife and playing with his kids. It should have been me." I say and start crying. Harm comes over and tries to hug me, but I push him off roughly. He stares back at me, taken back. I gasp when I realize what I have done, "Oh, God, Harm, I'm so sorry. I guess it's from the way that I was treated. Harm, I was raped. I don't want anyone touching me."
Harm smiles at me, "It's okay, Sarah. I understand. I'll leave you alone until you tell me that you are ready."
"Thanks, Harm. I love you. I'm sorry that I'm not in better shape."
"Sarah, the only thing that I need to hear is that you love me. That's all. Now, why don't you take a nap?"
"A nap sounds really good right now," I smile, "Will you sing me to sleep?" Harm has a wonderful voice and I love to hear him sing.
"Of course," He says and starts singing one of my favorite songs, "The Rose."
Some say love, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor.
That leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
An endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
And you its only seed.
It's the heart, afraid of breaking,
That never learns to dance.
It's the dream, afraid of waking,
That never takes a chance.
It's the one, who can't be taken,
Who cannot seem to give,
And the soul, afraid of dyin'
The never learns to live.
When the night has been too lonely,
And the road has been too long.
And you think that love is only.
For the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed, that with the sun's love,
In the spring becomes the rose.
2105 EST
29 March 1991
Recovery Room A
Bethesda Naval Hospital
Bethesda, Maryland
I sit next toMac's gurney, her hand in mine. I won't leave her, I won't. Or at least until she wakes up. I take a moment to look at my beloved Sarah. Her eyes are closed and her breathing steady, telling me that she is really sleeping. Mac has been known to pull an all nighter and the only way that you can be sure that she's actually sleeping is by her breathing.
Her long brown hair is pulled back in a simple ponytail at the base of her neck, something that she did this morning at 0700 before she was rolled down to surgery. Mac never wears her hair down, something that comes from playing years of sports and years of being in the military.
I love this woman with all my heart and I just wish that this had never had happened to her. I wish that it had been me who had been captured. If only…
1703 EST
27 May 1991
Lt. Sarah Mackenzie's Apartment
Apartment 204
Georgetown Heights Apartments
Georgetown
I smile as Harm pushes the wheelchair into my apartment. I turn on the lights and smile. Harm has been here and has dusted, vacuumed, and basically picked up because, knowing him, this place has been a mess since he's been staying here. It's been a rough couple of months but I am glad to be back home and to have Harm by my side.
"How do you like it?"
"It's great to be home. You've kept this place in good order, haven't you?"
"Yes but I spent all of last night cleaning this place. I don't think that your neighbors liked that."
"They can deal with it." I say and smile, "Thank you so much, Harm."
"You're welcome."
I look up into his deep blue-green eyes, "I love you." I say quietly.
"I love you too." He says and kisses me gently.
I smile. We've come a long way in just a few short months. But I think that I still need more time. But for right now, I'm just happy that I can be here, laying in Harm's arms.
End Chapter Four.
