Hey-o, and welcome to my Lil' World of Weirdness!

I state for the record that I don't own Gundam Wing, or the wonderful characters that will be gracing this story. This story is dedicated to my ever wonderful Beta-reader, the Bluegoo, my new beta reader, Clow'd9, and to everyone who helped me out, or wrote to me, reviewed me to tell me to come back during my various stages of depression!

Okay, that's the legal stuff out the way!

((Thinking))

"Speaking"

Stress/Emphasis

PlayTime

By Doctor Megalomania

Okay, so this is a series of little ficlets, there's no time line, no real point, nothing that links them, except for the fact they all came to me during various times when I was messing about with my mates . . . yes, I do still like to play with my friends, I am a child at heart and hope to forever remain so! Please R&R! Oh, and you have to guess which point of view it's from, since it's one pilot's POV about another!

Zero Five: Pet Hate

DING-DING-DING-DONG!

I yawned as I padded to the front door. Blurry eyed from the night before, and clutching Trowa's large over sized dark green bathrobe's collar shut, I pulled open the door and stared at Miss Relena Peacecraft.

I blinked owlishly. It was three AM.

Relena.

Here.

Three in the morning.

…Eh?

The only reason I was up was because Wufei hadn't come back yet from his mission and I was getting worried. I stared at Relena until my manners woke up and she was already pushing past me. "Heero!" She called out. "Heeeero!"

"Relena!" I hissed, closing the door. I was just waking up now and remembered that Duo had recently taken to sleeping in Heero's room. Some good had come out of the labelling incident, I think. "Relena! Be quiet . . ." I had to get her to shut up; I didn't want an incident to wake up anyone else! "Relena, Heero's off on a mission, will you kindly be quiet? The others are trying to sleep!"

She spun to me and blinked with her cornflower blue eyes rapidly filling with haughty distain. "Oh . . ." she held up a box, "I recently found out that Heero's birthday has just come and passed so I got him something special." The box was heavy as she thrust it into my arm and began toward the door. She paused dramatically and turned back to me, "Please tell him . . . that this gift is to remind him always of me, that he can keep this gift by his side and always look down at it and think of me. Even when we are too far away, we will always be together!"

And with that particular melodramatic remark, Relena spun and walked out.

It's three AM.

I'm in nothing but Trowa's comfy slippers and his dark green bathroom, which is far too big for me and is slipping off my shoulder.

And I'm holding Heero's birthday present.

I raised an eyebrow and yawned.

The box yawned too.

My eyes widened with horror.

What on Earth had Relena given him!

Wufei was in the kitchen as I stumbled in.

He was dressing a deep cut on his arm rather unsuccessfully and jerked when I entered. He winced as he swore quietly; the jerk pulled the bandage too tight. Momentarily forgetting the box Relena sent, I set about fixing Wufei's arm and asking him about his mission.

"Xie, Xie Winner . . ." Wufei murmured gratefully as I undid the messy dressing and started to clean the wound better. "The mission went a little better than I look," he chuckled slightly, "Nataku and I came out on top once more . . ." he smirked as he thought about a particular move he must have made and thumped the table, "Damn good fight! OZ must be training themselves better . . ."

The box yipped.

Wufei blinked and stared at the box.

The box jumped up, then scuttled a little to the left before rocking back and forth.

Wufei turned his head slowly to look at me, as I shrugged. "It was a gift to Heero from Relena . . ."

The box finally succeeded in falling over, rolling off the table and on to the floor with a loud sharp bark, and a few pitiful whimpers.

We stared at each other before Wufei stood and motioned me back. He approached the box with graceful silent movements, and finally crouched down. There was a quiet ripping noise as Wufei opened the box and he gave a low sound of surprise.

I tiptoed over to him and found a small black Labrador puppy standing on its back legs, forepaws leaning on Wufei's knees, puppily trying to lick his nose. Its little black tail swished back and forth happily and the puppy barked a few excited, happy yaps. It had adorable wide eyes, one eye was blue as Heero's, the other a deeper shade of green than Trowa's. I made a mental note to take the puppy to the vets to get it checked out, and then to buy all the stuff it needed. Oh, and I'd better get it lots of toys to play with and insure the house against possible

"It can't stay here."

I blinked as Wufei glared at me.

"Why not?" I asked in my quietest, you're-breaking-my-heart voice. It worked so well on the others—

"No. I hate dogs."

Why did it never work on Wufei!

"But Wufei, Relena –"

"Damn the woman." Wufei picked it up by the scruff of the neck and held it at arm's length to me, the puppy barked happily. He – because even I'm not so innocent, I can't recognise a boy dog – had a ruffle of white hair down the front of his chest. He was positively adorable!

"We're not keeping it!"

"But—"

"NO!"

The next morning . . . started with Wufei screaming.

Not a manful yell of surprise, or one of his patented roars of fury . . . an actual scream. Ok, maybe that's an exaggeration, Wufei would never scream. But he got damn close to it. Naturally, it being six AM, we – as in the other pilots – all slammed out of our rooms, guns raised. We stalked down the corridor silently, dressed in our pyjamas or boxers in the case of Duo. Finally we reached Wufei's room, and Heero motioned us all to be quiet. The door was open a crack, and we could hear Wufei's hard breathing from inside.

"Wufei . . .?"

Heero called out cautiously, his safety clicking off on his gun.

"Get. In. Here. NOW!" Wufei barked back at us. We lowered out guns, realising that the situation didn't sound so absolutely terrible and filed in quietly. Wufei was stood at the foot of his bed, his arms folded and his teeth grinding. He was mad. Really, really, really mad.

"Heero." He growled, "tell Relena to get here now so I can finish your job!"

Heero blinked and stowed his gun into the back of his pants, "Why?"

Wufei's jaw worked and his eye ticked.

Then he turned around to reveal the puppy dangling from his ponytail.

"Awwww!" I cooed while Trowa went over to carefully pull the puppy away from Wufei's hair before someone – most likely Relena – died. Trowa cradled the puppy that yawned and stared up with his big blue and green eyes. Duo sighed and pulled at the dog's collar. "Why on earth has Relena got Heero a puppy?" He asked no one in particular as he squinted to read the dog tags. "Dearest Heero . . ." he began, "Even when we are far away, with this sweet companion, may it always remind you that I'm by your side . . . Relena." He blew up his cheeks as if he was going to be ill, then turned the tag over. "Aww . . . she named it after herself . . ."

"Really?" I asked, stepping closer to see the tag.

"Yeah!" Duo grinned at me, "The dog's name is Bitch!"

Heero hid a smirk as Trowa dumped the puppy in his arms, "Seriously?" He reached over and glanced at the tag, "Queen Relena! She called it Queen Relena!"

"The bitch must be put down," Duo announced solemnly then winked at me as I started to protest, "And then we can name the dog something prettier!"

"Duo!" I rolled my eyes as Wufei started to push Heero out of the room.

"Well, enjoy your gift from the stupid girl, Yuy. I'm going back to bed, keep it away from me, I hate dogs!" He spun and started hustling the rest of us out, not even listening to our protests as he slammed the door in our faces. Glancing around, we questioned each other silently before Duo suddenly turned to Heero and kissed his lightly on the cheek, "G'nite Heero! Goodnight bitch!" And with a flick of his braid he'd quickly ducked into his room, slamming the door quickly. Next thing I knew Trowa picked me up and was sprinting to our shared room, I stared at Heero apologetically and managed to call out, "Trowa's really more of a lion person, sorry!"

Finally.

A decent hour.

Twelve, Noon, was striking the large grandfather clock, and I padded into the kitchen again, wearing still Trowa's oversized bathrobe. What can I say? I love the man, I love his clothes and keeping his scent around me keeps me with a nice buzzy horny feeling all day long.

I was just daydreaming about breakfast in bed with Trowa when Wufei suddenly grabbed my arm and dragged me around the table. His look of frustration silencing any and all happy fuzzy feelings I had floating around.

Queen Relena was curled up in the washing basket.

"Awww—"

Wufei clapped a hand over my mouth, cutting off the automatic cute response. "It is not sweet. It is not adorable. It is, quite frankly, a menace."

"Oh Wufei, come on!" I replied, "Seriously, what is a cute little thing like that going to do to you?"

"Dogs are smelly. They poo everywhere. They chew everything up." He flipped his fingers out as he talked, "and most importantly they bite. I hate dogs."

"Wufei, stop being so … mean!" I pointed at the cute little bundle of joy in our laundry basket, "Look at him. That puppy wouldn't do anything like that to you!"

"It will, mark my words, Winner. If we don't find a use for it…" His dark eyes took on a decidedly calculating glint.

"Chang Wufei. I know you have a pet hate, we all have our little pet hates…" I folded my arms, "You just need to learn how to live with them."

He wasn't listening to me. Wufei paused, staring off into the middle distance. His dark eyes widened and this strangely joyful smile passed over his lips as he grabbed my arm.

"… We should strap it to a bomb and send it back to Relena."

I didn't need my Space Heart to tell me he was actually seriously considering it. I pulled my arm away from Wufei and ran toward the adorable puppy. "Wufei!" I cried, spreading my arms in front of the slumbering little fluff ball. "I know what you are thinking and you better stop thinking it. RIGHT. NOW." Levelling my best ZERO look at him, I growled as effectively as I could. "Wufei. I want you to put all thoughts of blowing Vice Minister Relena up using a Bomb-packed Queen Relena. It's too cruel to the puppy."

The calculating look didn't quite leave Wufei's dark eyes as he nodded and turned to leave.

I made a mental note. Then scribbled it on the white board in my light blue marker for the other Gundams to read:-

Everyone;

DO NOT allow Wufei anywhere near Queen Relena. He plans to wrap the puppy with explosives and return it to Relena.

And after checking the fridge, added:

Someone needs to buy more milk.

Remember: Wufei + Queen Relena + Explosives BAD WUFEI. VERY EVIL WUFEI.

Q.

Naturally, when I returned later that day the message had been altered.

Everyone

(scribbled out in purple, replaced with 'Heeeeeeeeeeero-chan!' and hearts, added in dark blue, 'Stop calling me that. I will kill you. – 01', added in green: 'looks better than 000000000-11111-chan', added in orange: 'Are you warning me to act against myself? That doesn't make any sense.')

DO NOT

(scribbled out in orange, replaced with 'Make sure to')

allow Wufei near Queen Relena

(scribbled out in perfect straight dark blue lines, replaced with 'I will kill her. - 01', added in purple: 'you mean relena the bitch, not the puppy rite?', added in dark blue: 'I do mean Relena, Trowa remember Wufei's the one you want. – 01', added in orange: 'wuss.').

He plans

(scribbled out in orange, replaced with 'WILL!', added in green: 'WON'T!')

to wrap the puppy

(scribbled out in orange, replaced with 'and stuff it, both ends'. That is scribbled out with green, replaced with 'Do it and I'll stuff you, you evil bastard'. Purple arrows point to this, reading 'oooooh, sounds kinky, tro!'. Randomly, also scribbled near this in dark blue: 'I will kill you all. – 01'. Scribbled next to this in green, 'Promises, promises + Shut up duo.')

with explosives

(scribbled out in purple, replaced with 'wit Luv!', added in dark blue: 'I know where you can get plenty of C4 – 01', added in orange: 'Thanks. Need TNT too. Don't want to take any chances.', added in green: 'Don't EVEN think about, you bastards.')

and return it to Relena.

(added in blue: 'I will kill her. –01', added in purple: 'not if i gett there 1st!', added in orange, 'I think you'll find I (underlined three times with a star above)will be the one doing the killing. With the best weapon since the ZERO system, Puppy bombs', added in green: 'Not with the puppy, you evil bastard. Use a gun.'

Someone needs to buy more milk.

(added in purple: 'not full skimmed this time heero that stuff's like water', added in dark blue: 'full cream's too fatty. Get semi-skimmed instead. – 01', added in purple: 'Meeee!', added in dark blue: 'Yes. You. I got it last time. – 01', added in purple, 'anal-retentive goit!', added in orange: 'And toilet paper! Maxwell, stop TP-ing my Gundam.' Added in green: 'And coke-a-cola, real not pepsi. LEAVE THE PUPPY ALONE WUFEI. YOU EVIL BASTARD.', added in orange: 'Come on, Barton, you want the bitch dead too.' Added in dark blue, 'CHERRY BAKEWELLS. Whoever MAXWELL is eating my cherry bakewells MAXWELL better replace them MAXWELL or I will kill you MAXWELL.' Added in purple, big arrow pointing back to 'anal-retentive goit!', added in orange: 'not if I send my fleet of puppy-bombs first.', added in green, underlined twice: YOU ARE AN EVIL BASTARD WUFEI. NEXT TIME I SEE YOU I'M GOING TO KICK YOU IN THE NUTS.')

Remember: Wufei + Queen Relena + Explosives BAD WUFEI. VERY EVIL WUFEI.

(added in purple: 'heero + relena sittin' in a tree, K.I.S.S.I.N.G.', added in dark blue: '02 + 01's Gundam. Let's see who'd win that fight. – 01 p.s I will kill you.', added in orange: 'You make it sound like blowing up Relena is a bad thing. I think I speak for everyone when I say, the bitch has to die. I'm doing everyone a favour. The puppy will love it. I'll give it a bone or something.', added in green: 'The puppy is NOT a weapon of war, Chang. There is NO HONOUR in sending a PUPPY as a bomb. YOU EVIL BASTARD.', added in orange: 'There's plenty of honour in dying for a cause. The ends justify the means. The needs of me out weigh the needs of the puppy. I get rid of Relena AND the damned dog.')

Q.

(scribbled out in purple, replaced with: 'D.I.S.C.Q.', added in orange: 'VIVA LA PUPPY BOMB! TODAY THE PUPPY. TOMORROW THE LIONS.' Added in blue: 'Mission accepted. – 01. p.s. CHERRY BAKEWELLS!', added in green: 'Wufei. There are no words to describe what I am going to do to you if you even breathe in the direction of my lions. Your life wouldn't be worth living. You will DIE A VERY LONG AND PAINFUL DEATH.', added in orange with a crude doodle of Wufei yelling: 'Bring it on, Barton!')

… I had to smile really. Even though we were battle hardened Gundam pilots, we were still boys. Dangerous terrorists but we were still so very young. I checked the fridge again, and found nobody had bought any milk. Sighing, I picked up my keys and turned to go out. On impulse I picked up Queen Relena on my way out, passing Wufei on the way out. The Chinese pilot was walking with a limp. Obviously Trowa had made good on his threat. He nodded to me tightly.

"Are you all right?" I asked, careful to keep the puppy out of his range. "Trowa gets awfully protective about his lions."

"Don't worry." Wufei answered, perhaps a little higher than his normal pitch, "I gave as good as I got." He looked down at Queen Relena and grinned evilly, "How's my little puppybomb? How are you? Are you ready to blow Relena up?"

The puppy yapped happily and struggled to get out of my arms. I glared at Wufei as I quickly got away from him, "Wufei, I hope Trowa got you hard in the nuts."

Looking back, I should have realised that the puppy had latched on to Wufei in more ways than one. Within five minutes of leaving, I had turned my car around and returned. The little fuzzy demon had peed all over my car, and then it started to chew the upholstery. And then the little demon dog BIT me. Me! The one that was protecting it from Wufei's plans of turning it into a puppy-bomb.

Gagging on the rancid smell of wet puppy pee, I stumbled out of my car and quickly let the dog out. Trowa was in the garage nursing his motorbike and a black eye. He was shocked as I dumped the little fuzz demon in his arms and ran upstairs to shower.

Little did I know what evil I had unleashed on my unsuspecting lover. Queen Relena had taken a somewhat violent dislike to Trowa, and when I returned I was surprised to find Trowa curled gracefully on the top shelf, next to the paint pots. His jumper was ripped and the demon puppy was mauling a good portion of it.

He refused to come down until I'd chased the puppy away.

Never before in my life have I seen Trowa act like such a wuss.

The next thing I heard was Duo howling in pain.

And then Wufei's cackle.

I didn't know Wufei could cackle.

Trowa and I ran though to the living room where we found Wufei nearly killing himself with laughter. Queen Relena had chomped onto Duo's braid and now the poor boy was running about trying to get the dog off him. Wufei! I yelled as Trowa moved to stop Duo. He seemed a little hesitant to actually touch the puppy, and I didn't blame him. Queen Relena was growling and frothing at the mouth, determined to yank of Duo's braid or die trying. Duo was running around madly, yelling, "GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF ME!"

Finally, Heero arrived to find out what was going on and that's when the real trouble started.

Queen Relena took one look at Heero and froze.

Then did something I thought only another Gundam Pilot would be crazy enough to do.

He dropped, landed on his feet, rolled, barrelled toward Heero, jumped … and bit him in the groin. I'm not talking about a playful nip. I'm talking about a full on, blood sucking, bone crunching, make-other-men-wince-and-automatically-reach-for-their-own-in-sympathy, nut-cracking snap.

For a long moment, there was nothing. Silence.

I know my eyes were watering.

Duo uttered a quiet, "Damn."

Trowa drew a quick breath.

Heero's were twitching a bit and then he just kind of flopped onto his back and passed out.

Wufei dropped to his knees and held his arms out. He drew a deep breath and screwed his face up.

"GOOD PUPPY! LOOK AT YOU AND ALL THE WANTON DESTRUCTION YOU WREAK!"

When Heero left the hospital, he brought industrial strength duct tape.

When Duo found out that Heero wouldn't be able to perform in bed for three months, he brought detonators.

When Trowa noticed (after he'd put them on) that the puppy had poo-ed in his favourite shoes, he brought 15kg of explosives.

When I discovered that the puppy had eaten my favourite sheet music, I recanted my love for puppies and brought the giftbox and wrote the tag.

To Relena, with love. H.D.T.Q.

When Wufei realised we were actually going to go through with it, he grabbed Queen Relena and ran out the door.

The next thing we knew, he'd flown away with the damned fuzzy demon. He didn't return for another three months, obviously waiting until we all calmed down before tentatively sneaking back. It was three in the morning when I heard a noise in the kitchen. Tying Trowa's robe around me tighter, I poked my head into the kitchen to find Wufei leaning over into the fridge, muttering to the dog that was happily lying on his shoulder.

The puppy demon spotted me and looked ready to spring from Wufei's shoulder when he uttered a sharp command in Chinese. Wufei nodded to me and raised a hand to feed the little demon some ham.

"I thought you didn't like dogs, Wufei."

"I don't." I raised an eyebrow at this and glared at him. The Chinese pilot chuckled as the puppy licked his ear, "But then, we all have our own pet hates… we just need to learn to exploit them."

end.