Chapter Six
Jack had been sitting on the bed beside Sam's for the last few hours. He had come to the infirmary to see her only to find that she was asleep. He immediately checked with Janet that she hadn't reverted back to sleeping all the time, and was assured that this wasn't a permanent state. Not wanting to wake her, he had walked out of the room, with the intention of coming back later. Though he had intended for later to be longer than three minutes.
Something drew him to staying with her. He told himself it was because she had called for him when the bad dreams had started, and he wanted to be there in case she needed him again; but it was actually more for his own reassurance that she was okay.
He didn't sit right beside her bed. He didn't want to arouse suspicion - well, more suspicion. She didn't need to wake up to increased rumours about the two of them. So, he perched on the bed beside hers, and kept a watchful eye as she slept.
Shortly after his arrival Janet had left for a briefing with General Hammond and SG9, and now she stopped in the infirmary doorway when she returned to find that he was still there. She felt concern creeping into her veins. She had expected that Sam would have woken up by now. Granted she may have woken and gone back to sleep, but from the look on Jack's face, it didn't seem likely.
She placed the files she was carrying onto a nearby table and approached the bed where O'Neill was sitting.
"Hey, Doc," he said quietly, smiling, as she stopped beside him.
She returned the smile then looked towards Sam. "Has she not woke up yet?"
Jack shook his head, not registering that Janet wasn't looking at him. When it finally clicked, he added a verbal, "No."
Janet frowned and moved closer to Sam, checking for any immediate visual signs that there was something wrong. Looking more closely at her friend, she smiled sadly then composed her features and turned back to Jack.
"Colonel, when was the last time you slept?" she asked, firmly in doctor mode.
He paused for a moment, knowing where this was going - and also knowing that there was nothing he could say that would prevent it from reaching its intended destination. He could lie; tell her he slept last night, but she knew him too well. She wouldn't believe him. "I'm not tired," he said eventually. Might as well buy himself some time.
Janet cocked her head to one side, fixing him with a stare that told him she didn't believe that.
"I just want to talk to her when she wakes up… Just want to make sure she's alright… So I know if I need to make another return trip to that planet!"
Janet straightened up, understanding what he actually meant by that. "Colonel, in effect, Sam has been living another life while she was asleep. She wasn't particularly resting… Ji-Rel explained she would probably be tired… This…" she motioned towards Sam, "…is nothing to worry about… You need to follow her example. Sleep!"
He opened his mouth to speak, but she spoke instead.
"That's an order, Colonel!… Go to your quarters, sleep for at least eight hours and then I'll let you back in here." Her stern look softened a little and she added. "I'll have them call for you if anything happens that you should know about."
"If she wakes up - "
"If she wakes up and everything is fine, you will be notified after your eight hours… If things take a turn for the worse, I promise I will send for you immediately."
Now it really was pointless arguing with her. If he didn't go now, the terms of the agreement would turn away from his favour and he'd probably end up confined to quarters until she declared otherwise.
"You promise?" he clarified.
Janet gave a small smile. "I promise."
"What about when you go off shift?"
"I'll leave strict instructions." The look that accompanied her words told him that those instructions would include the part about him not being allowed back in.
He dropped off the bed and, after a look at Sam, he left the infirmary for his quarters.
Janet watched him leave, making sure he was completely out of earshot before she turned back to her patient.
"He's gone," she said softly.
Sam's face crumpled and tears slipped out from beneath her lowered eyelids.
"Oh, honey, what's the matter?" Janet asked as she sat on the edge of her friend's bed.
Sam shook her head and tried to control her crying. "It's nothing… I'm fine."
"You don't look fine," Janet responded in a joking tone she knew would make Sam open her eyes.
It worked. Sam looked at her and laughed a little. "Gee, thanks Jan," she smiled.
"You're welcome," Janet retorted, at least pleased that she was smiling. "Now, tell me what's going on."
"What are you talking about?… There's nothing going on," Sam replied.
Maybe if she had frowned it would have been more convincing, but the absence of such a feature revealed that she knew exactly what Janet was talking about.
"Then why are you crying?"
"I don't know… Maybe it's because I'm tired…" she said, running a hand over her eyes.
"And why were you pretending to be asleep?"
Sam dropped her hand and looked, somewhat incredulously, at Janet. She had obviously forgotten how astute the doctor was.
"You've definitely been awake the entire time I've been in here, how long before that did you wake up?" her friend continued her enquiry, gently.
Sam hesitated for a moment, but she really felt like she needed to talk to somebody, so she answered. "I'm not sure… I couldn't see a clock." She accompanied her words with a smile, trying to show Janet that it was difficult for her to talk about this.
She got the message and remained silent, allowing Sam to explain in her own time.
"…But it felt like an eternity… I knew he was here, and I just don't feel - " She stopped mid-sentence and redirected her explanation. "You know when you have a dream, and you're really angry with someone in your dream, and when you wake up you still feel angry at them?"
Janet nodded. "Yeah… So you're angry at Colonel O'Neill for something he did in your dream life?" she asked, trying to make sure she was understanding.
Sam pursed her lips and her eyes clouded again. "Not exactly… But it's the same principle… Janet, I may have only been asleep for a day and a half, but my dreams spanned weeks… I have memories of several weeks of my life that never happened… I have memories of people, of places, of doing things I have never done… It's confusing. I just need some time to sort it out… To figure out what's real and what was… just my imagination."
Janet nodded sympathetically. "That makes sense… But we really should explain this to SG1. Colonel O'Neill is ready for going back to the planet and giving them hell because you're still not awake… You can't pretend to be asleep every time he comes to see you… It'll be seriously hazardous to Ji-Rel's health."
Sam laughed but it didn't reach her eyes. "I know…" She took a deep breath. "So, I've got, what? Seven and a half hours to deal with this?"
It was Janet's turn to laugh. "You think he'll actually stay away for that long?"
Sam's eyes caught Janet's and an air of seriousness descended on the room, invited in by the sorrow in the Major's face. Janet's heart broke for her friend when she saw the pain she was facing.
"Sam, if you want to talk about what your dreams were about - "
"You told me what they were about… A life I wish I could have… I had it… Weeks of it… And it's not particularly that I'm unhappy to be back in this one… I'm just finding it hard to deal with losing that one."
Jack's eyes opened and glanced at the clock beside his bed. They were just slipping closed again when the time sunk in and they shot open as he swept from the bed.
When Doc Fraiser had ordered him to sleep for eight hours, he - as he suspected she did - had expected that he would maybe sleep for two or three hours then spend some time watching the clock impatiently, until he turned up at the infirmary having only actually been gone for four hours. Obviously they had both failed to consider that maybe he actually was tired.
He didn't know how long he had been sleeping, but it had been eleven hours and sixteen minutes since he left Sam's side. He ran frantically around the room, dressing and making himself look presentable, then flew into the corridor, almost colliding with Daniel and Teal'c.
"Hey Jack!" Daniel greeted him, despite the fact that Jack looked furious that they were in his way. "We were just coming to see you."
"Well, I was just on my way out," he responded, about to move past them.
"Are you going to see Sam?" Daniel apparently hadn't noticed his body language indicating that he was going.
He stopped and looked at the archaeologist. "Yes, I am… Is that okay?"
Daniel's narrowed eyes showed that Jack's tone had been noticed now. "That's actually why we were coming to find you… We've just come from there, and when Janet arrived, she was quite surprised that you weren't with us…"
"She was shocked that you had obeyed her orders," Teal'c added.
Daniel nodded towards his friend. "And we agreed that it was… unprecedented, so we were coming to make sure you hadn't banged your head or anything."
Daniel's voice faded towards the end of this sentence as Jack offered him an unamused glare. "Thanks for your concern, but I just overslept… Is Carter awake?"
Daniel nodded. "Yeah, but - "
Jack smiled what was obviously a goodbye smile, but he was prevented from leaving by Daniel's hand on his arm.
"Jack…"
He glanced back impatiently. "What, Daniel?"
"Sam's awake… and she's okay, but she …"
"Major Carter appeared distracted during our time with her," Teal'c concluded for him as Daniel seemed unsure what to say.
Jack frowned at both of them. "Distracted?"
"She said she is fine…"
"And Doctor Fraiser assures us that she is healthy…"
"But she has effectively been living in a different reality for three days…"
"But to Major Carter it has been weeks…"
Jack raised his hand to stop them. "You're making me dizzy!… Did you rehearse that?"
Teal'c merely raised an eyebrow, but Daniel dropped his head as if in defeat.
"One of you," Jack continued, emphasising 'one', "Tell me what point it is you're trying to make."
Daniel and Teal'c looked at each other and it was silently decided that Daniel would explain. He was about to start when Jack spoke again.
"Start with how she's lived weeks in three days," he said, his confusion clear on his face.
Daniel took a deep breath. "It's something to do with the fact that we took her before the original procedure was complete… Ordinarily, each time the person falls asleep, their dream life would continue from where it left off… In Sam's case - from what I can gather - she had disjointed dreams, but she has the memories of what occurred in between." At Jack's intensifying frown he quickly added, "It's like when you have a dream, and in it you are aware of information that wasn't actually explained… like where you are, or why you're there… Her mind filled in the gaps, and now she has memories of weeks of a life that never happened… And, apparently, it's confusing her a little… Which I guess is understandable, dreams can feel very real…"
Jack's glare told him to stick to his point.
"Sorry," he mumbled. "Sam's gonna need some time to sort everything out in her head… But she will be okay."
Jack watched Daniel for a moment. "Why do I feel like there's something you're not telling me?"
Daniel glanced uncomfortably at Teal'c who continued the story.
"Major Carter also described her feelings in terms of waking up after a dream and retaining feelings of anger one felt in the dream."
Jack raised an eyebrow at Teal'c. "You're saying we made her angry in her dream world? … And she's still angry?"
Daniel stepped back in. "We're not saying 'we'."
Jack's eyes widened a little and Daniel tried his best to avoid eye contact. "I made her angry?… What did I do?"
"She did not say," Teal'c replied.
Daniel had found the courage to speak again, but he had, subconsciously, taken a step backwards from Jack, and sideways towards Teal'c. "She didn't actually say she was angry, that was just her way of describing what she's experiencing… Residual feelings from her dream world… That she needs to sort out… We said we would explain all this to you so she wouldn't have to go through it again."
Jack studied both of his friends closely. "Are you trying to tell me that she doesn't want to see me?"
Daniel shook his head quickly. "No!… No… No, she didn't - " he glanced, frowning, towards Teal'c. "She didn't say that, right?"
Teal'c's eyebrow quirked and the beginnings of a frown showed on his forehead, as the Jaffa considered O'Neill's reaction. He had not expected him to interpret their news in that way; it had not occurred to himself that maybe that was what Major Carter was trying to convey. But it was possible…
Jack nodded slowly, trying to keep the disappointment from transpiring on his face. "Thanks for the heads up, guys." He forced a small smile and turned away, continuing along the corridor.
"Jack!" Daniel called after him. "That's not what we meant!"
"I know, Daniel," Jack called back, accompanying it with a dismissive wave.
"Jack!" he called again. "Go and see her!"
Jack replied, "I will… Don't worry about it, Daniel," before he disappeared around the corner.
Daniel's shoulders slumped and he turned his worried expression on Teal'c, whose raised eyebrow and slightly inclined head showed that he felt the same concern.
Janet stood at the other end of the infirmary, ostensibly reviewing some charts, but her gaze actually travelled over the top of the papers and focussed on the patient on the end bed. The doctor still had not been told exactly what Sam's dream life had been like, but from what she knew of the earliest dreams, and what Sam had said about 'losing' that life, it wasn't difficult for her to come up with a theory. And the way the person in question was sitting staring expectantly, but nervously, towards the door seemed to support it.
It had been almost two hours since Daniel and Teal'c had left to find out why Colonel O'Neill had not returned to the infirmary. The two of them had come back themselves after an hour to ask if he had been in, and had explained to Janet how unsuccessful their talk with Jack had been. She had hoped they were over-reacting and he would turn up anyway.
Handing the charts to a nearby nurse, she crossed the room to Sam's bed.
The Major immediately broke her attention from the door, not wanting Janet to know she had been waiting for him to arrive.
"Hi, Janet," she greeted her.
"I thought you didn't want to see him?" Janet smiled.
Sam frowned - having realised that she forgot to do that in their earlier conversation. "Who?"
"Sam!" Janet warned, perching on the side of her bed. "I thought it would be easier for you not to see him?"
Sam sighed. "It would… Maybe… But…"
"You miss him?"
Sam looked straight at Janet, trying to feign shock. "No… But I have to see him some time… Might as well get it over with." She tried a small laugh to lighten the mood.
Janet smiled sympathetically, and then they fell into a silence.
Sam's gaze had sneaked back to the door, but when Janet didn't respond to her, she looked at her from the corner of her eye.
"Just ask," she said.
Janet fought away a smile, exchanging it for a frown for good measure. "What?"
Sam smirked as Janet also did, having lost control over her smile. "Whatever it is you're dying to ask me… You can ask."
The doctor hesitated for a few seconds then asked: "Are you going to tell him?" Seeing that Sam was about to claim she didn't know what she was talking about, she added: "What your dreams were about."
"No!" Sam replied quickly, her tone implying 'of course not!'.
Janet held her hands up. "Okay… I was just asking… You said I could."
"I know," Sam nodded. "… It's just… It's awkward enough for me that I know what they were about, without knowing that he knows too."
Janet nodded and then sat in suspicious silence again, her eyes wandering around the room.
Sam smiled again. "Go on."
"What?" Janet said, looking back to Sam.
"I can see the gossip hungry side of you is trying to break free… As long as you don't spread the information, you can say whatever it is."
Janet feigned hurt and then grinned excitedly. "So your dreams were…"
"About Colonel O'Neill? Yes."
"And it wasn't…"
"Anger that I was feeling towards him?… No."
Janet's smile fell as she realised how hard this must be. "I'm sorry, Sam."
Sam shrugged. "I'll get over it… It's taken me six and a half years to… not get over him at all… So it shouldn't take me too long to deal with this… And people in our dreams tend to be a stylised illusion, once I get used to the real Jack O'Neill again I'll be fine."
Janet thought it, but she didn't want to point out that it was the real Jack O'Neill that Sam had fallen for in the first place. Besides, she could see it in Sam's eyes that she didn't believe any of what she had just said either.
"I'll be here to help you, honey… Whenever you need a shoulder to cry on." Janet leaned forward and embraced Sam in a tight hug.
"Thanks, Jan," Sam said, determined that the tears that were stinging the back of her eyes were not going to fall.
Jack stopped in the doorway when he saw the two women hugging and talking to each other quietly. He was about to turn round, when a voice from behind him asked:
"Colonel O'Neill, Sir, could I just slip past you please?"
He swivelled round to the nurse who was trying to get into the infirmary. "Sorry," he muttered as he stepped to one side.
She smiled gratefully, and moved into the room, and as his eyes followed her, he realised that Sam and Janet had seen him. No turning back now.
He walked in and smiled as he crossed to her bed.
Janet smiled at Sam then nodded in greeting to Colonel O'Neill and left them alone.
"Something I said?" Jack joked as Janet walked away.
Sam laughed briefly, then they fell into an uncomfortable quiet, both of them looking around the room nervously.
After a minute or so, Jack cleared his throat, drawing Sam's attention to him. "I brought you these," he said, handing her a bag of grapes.
Sam smiled. "Thanks."
"Not very original, I know," he said with a shrug.
"No… But, well, you've never brought me anything before, so… It's an original gesture," she smiled.
Jack nodded. "True… I just wanted to say sorry."
"For what?" she frowned.
Jack sat down on the chair beside her bed, and leaned back casually, trying to hide his nerves. "For whatever I did in your dreams that made you angry."
"Ah," Sam whispered.
"Well from the look on your face, I must have done something pretty bad," he commented, smiling. "So what was it?… Broke one of your doohickeys?… Burned your house down?"
Sam's head shot up at his last question.
Jack's eyes widened. "I burned your house down?"
"Well, you tried," Sam smiled, enjoying the memory. "But it was partly my fault so… I forgive you."
Jack nodded, his trademark 'confused' expression gracing his face though. "Okay… Well, thanks."
Sam also nodded, smiling, genuinely, enjoying being back in his company. But then, as always happened with the two of them, as feelings had to be ignored and forcefully held back, a silence descended, and they sat desperately trying to think of something to say.
Eventually, Jack cleared his throat again and said: "So, how are you feeling?"
Deciding it was best not to offer her immediate response of, "lonely, lost and like a part of me is missing, yet is right there beside me," her shoulders shrugged ever so slightly, and she said: "Tired," laughing again at how ironic that seemed.
Jack smiled, "Well, you know what they say, the longer you sleep for, the more tired you feel when you are awake afterwards."
Sam gave a small laugh, nodding thoughtfully. "I guess so… That would explain it."
Finding that nodding seemed to fill these silences, Jack joined her in that action for a few seconds, then stood up suddenly. "I should go… Let you rest."
Not actually wanting him to leave, Sam nevertheless smiled her agreement – step one in getting back to how things used to be; in letting go.
He took a few steps away from the bed, then stopped and turned around. "Er… For the purposes of my report…"
Sam hid a small smirk, as she realised he was fishing for information. "Yes?"
"They said that your dreams… That you should dream about – "
"They were about a life I … can't have," she answered him, not wanting to watch him squirming with his question any longer.
His eyes raised from where they had been watching his feet awkwardly toeing the floor as he had tried to find his words, and they caught onto hers, holding them in an intense gaze filled with the feelings they had left in the room years ago. "Yet?" he asked quietly.
Her eyes widening briefly with the shock that he had broached the subject they went to great lengths to avoid, Sam finally smiled, and replied: "Hopefully."
They remained in their silent, figurative embrace for a few minutes longer, then Jack's lips quirked into a small smile, and he moved to leave.
"Sir, do you remember the first time I went through the stargate?" she asked suddenly, unsure as to why, but feeling that maybe she needed some reassurance that it hadn't been a stylised illusion her subconscious had created.
After his initial surprise at her change of subject, Jack smiled as he had done in her mind, and said: "Yes I do… Why?"
Sam shrugged again. "Oh, no reason…" she said, her eyes glancing quickly to her left hand, where his engagement ring had sat. "I was just wondering."
Jack eyed her suspiciously for a moment, then smiled. "Okay… Now I think you need to get some sleep, Major. We have a postponed mission to go on once you're ready."
"Yes, Sir," she smiled.
He went to leave, but stopped himself again, turning back. "I'm glad you're back," he said, smiling softly.
Her mind bombarded her with images of all her dreams – of his arms around her; of his lips against hers; of being able to speak of their love – and then with images of his face as he asked, "Yet?"; of the glances and smiles that they really had shared; and of everything they had been through together; and she returned his smile. "Me too," she said – and it wasn't a lie. This was their life. Yes it was filled with angst and sacrifice, but there was also hope and a silent promise for the future. And until such time as that promise could be fulfilled, she would always have the memories of the life they shared in dreams.
THE END
