Thank you to ALL my reader's and to ALL my reviewer's.
My BETA's GoldenSunnyGrl and Merlin.
ENJOY!
HURT
Astronomy Tower, two nights later. I was standing on the buttress looking down wondering if the fall would hurt.
I laugh harshly as I realize my mistake, the fall doesn't hurt you, it's the sudden stop at the bottom that will do it for you.
But at least there would be no more hurt.
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Love hurts, you know. Especially if you can't express it and definitely if you have to see the one that you love, day in and day out, being pawed and fawned over by another. All because you couldn't, no you wouldn't, say anything.
What good does love do anybody if it is kept bottled up inside never to see the light of day? All because of my own insecurities. I could have said something. So what? Who cares?
SIGH
Obviously, I do.
But I could not bring myself to do that to her. Not out of any like or compassion for her, because let's face it, she's a bitch, but because they were together. Always together. With someone besides me.
And it hurt, badly.
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I didn't jump that night though I wanted to with every fiber of my hurting being. The wards on Hogwarts had been mine for over two years now, if I had really wanted to jump, I could have. I should have.
Come Monday morning classes I was beyond being a wreak. No sleep, no food, and having only thoughts of pain and hurt, made me a very sad individual. I ignored the curious looks and whispers behind my back. I couldn't tell anyone what the problem was, not even my best friends, so I suffered alone. Drowning in my self-depression.
I walked away from those that tried to start conversations. I answered no questions in class. I skipped breakfast and lunch and only went to dinner because of Hermione's sharp gaze.
I didn't eat. Just the thought of putting something in my mouth made me nauseous. He wasn't there. I looked though I told myself not too. The Queen was holding court in his absence. I left the table quickly not seeing the concerned looks from friends and teachers.
I practically ran to my garden, falling unto the bench weakly, air rushing through my clenched teeth as I struggled with the weakness. Was love suppose to feel this way?
Every pore wanted to weep but I was bone dry. My lungs craved air but no matter how hard I drew breath in, it was not enough. Every neuron in my body cried out for a touch, one touch, even if it was in anger. My heart pounded, painfully, and I wondered if I could be having a heart attack.
Shit! Love fucking hurts.
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It had gotten colder but I didn't feel it. I sat there for hours staring into the starless sky, wondering if the hurt would ever go away. When the sky began to lighten I slowly stood and made my shaky way back to my room. As I entered the common room I saw my best friends asleep on the couch. They had been waiting up for me. Somehow, that made me feel a little bit better.
I watched them for a minute, tempted to wake them and pour my heart out to them, but I didn't. I just quietly made my way to my room and falling on the bed, slept until Ron woke me for breakfast.
I tried to eat but everything tasted like ashes in my mouth. I gulped down a cup of coffee and hurried from the Great Hall, proud of myself for not looking to see if he was there. I ignored everyone again, to caught up in my own pain to notice the worried looks.
What did it matter anyway? Just leave me to my hurt, please.
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When I was called to the Headmaster's office I decided I didn't want to go as it made no difference one way or the other. I left class, ignoring Snape's dangerous look and not seeing the eyes that followed me out, but instead of turning right and going up towards the Headmaster's office, I turned left and headed out towards my garden. The one and only place we had ever been together, alone, without a harsh word or look between us.
I could care less what Dumbledore wanted anyways, I was through being his puppet.
I was through with everything but hurting because that was all I had become.
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I spent the rest of the day and night sitting there, hurting. I didn't care about classes, Quidditch, or eating. I just cared about my hurt. Always hurting.
It had become a way of life for me now. The pressure in my chest was constant. The tears only a sigh away. The pain consuming till nothing was left. The hurt unbearable.
I didn't have the guts to kill myself. I had tried and failed.
I had not seen him since that last Thursday night when I had thought he was going to talk to me. Truthfully, I hadn't seen much of anything lately, so, he could have been standing two feet from me and I doubt I would see him.
Aw, who am I kidding. I would have seen him. I will always see him.
Merlin! Just the thought of seeing him makes me hurt. Makes me want to go to the Astronomy Tower and try again. But for some insane reason, known only to God, I couldn't kill myself.
But I knew one person who wanted me dead. One person who didn't care if I hurt. I needed that person to get off their scaly arse and come and end my pain.
My head snaps up as the craziest thought I had ever had hits me. Why should I wait for that idiot to come to me? I could just go looking for him. He can't be all that hard to find.
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Soon, I won't hurt anymore.
Love hurts people. It really, really hurts.
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Ya'll asked for more.....here it is.
Wrote chapter one in 15 minutes and chapter 2 in about 20.
Hope you like.
ENJOY!
LMG
