Life without living Breath without life

Summary:

After the wars, where do the pilots go, how do they become human, what is human? Heero has separated from the rest, and almost dies as he lives out on the streets, can he be rescued? One difference from normal Gundam Wing... all the pilots are wizards! Pairings 1x5 3x4

Warnings: Rape, quite vivid, OOC ness, abuse – physical and mental, yaoi and ummm language, and of course a bastardised Relena.

Heero sat there on the street corner, thin green tank top on with spandex shorts, torn, ripped and damaged, in mid winter in a biting wind. He felt dead, all he had been trained for was over, the war was over, and he was alone. He had lost contact with the other pilots at about five years ago, he couldn't remember when he last saw them, all his days blurred into one long day. He had been on his own since. He had tried various work, but nothing came of it, people didn't like his attitude, so in the end he had to sell his flat and try to make it out on the streets, at the tender age of 16. (The War finished when the pilots were 11, there is a reason for this.) Suicide was constantly on his mind, but he kept on thinking that it would make him even weaker than he was; no one in Oz could kill him, what gave him the right? Also, whenever he felt the urge to completely give up, an image of a certain black-haired Chinese man came into his thoughts. In a way this depressed him because he knew that Wufei would never like him in that way, and he would never see him again anyway.

A small part whispered to him that he was too afraid that he was a weakling, a coward; his friends had abandoned him because they couldn't stand him any longer. He agreed. Here he was, the once proud Gundam Pilot, terror of the skies, reduced to lying on a street bench, begging for money to be able to keep his worthless self-alive.

If there was a war now, he'd be killed on the first day, his body no longer had the energy of his youth; he barely had the energy to move each day. He was ill, and knew it. Every monotonous day was the same, sit up, try to rub warmth into frozen limbs, stumble the few yards to the corner, sit down again and hope for some kind soul to give him money so he could survive. Heero snorted at his pathetic ness. He was weak, to depend on others to survive.

As he was sitting there, lost in the wraps of time and thought, he didn't hear the small patter of running feet coming towards his corner. "Excuse me Mr. Sir?" said a small voice, Heero looked up in surprise; people didn't normally talk to him. Standing in front of him was a girl about the age of 8 with blonde hair tied back in pigtails and a little golden retriever puppy in her arms. At the sight of the puppy, Heero's rasping breath latched onto his throat as he was assaulted by memories of his own little girl with the yellow Labrador pup who he had murdered cold- heartedly. "Are you ok sir?" the little girl repeated alarmed slightly. Heero slowly regained control and nodded his head, his voice to unused to speaking to reply by voice. "I got a present for you" said the child with an innocent smile on her face, and handed him a bit of money. Heero inwardly smiled at the generosity but gently placed it back in her hand "I can't accept your money little one, it's yours and yours alone". "Are you sure sir?" she asked; hurt shining slightly in her eyes, Heero gave a gentle nod while torturing himself on the inside as he pictured the child of his memories dying because she associated herself with him. Somewhere inside his damaged head, he believed that if he let this girl kept the money, it would help in his punishment for all the deaths of innocent's he had caused. "May I come and see you tomorrow sir?" she asked hopefully, "I can bring you some food" Heero struggled to find his voice, closed by hurt and misuse. "You have better things to do with your time young one" he rasped out, each word scraping at his throat like a needle edge digging into his pained heart. She smiled sadly, "ok Mr. Sir, take care!" To Heero's surprise she gave him a quick hug and skipped off with Heero's sad eyes following her.

Heero sighed and continued with his inner struggle 'why didn't I accept the money? That would've got me enough food for this evening, I haven't eaten for 11 days now...' (AN: This is possible, the human can go for three weeks with no food as long as they rest and drink, Heero is weak though because he is ill, so he wouldn't be able to last much longer than two weeks maximum, and would then be in large danger of dying) one part of him wondered, and was swiftly rebuked with a stinging mental slap 'why didn't you take the money?! Why didn't you take the money?!?! You don't deserve the money! You're a murderer! You slaughtered that innocent child with a similar dog, you deserve to die, not rob young one's of their pocket money... how can you even think that you deserve the money?! You're a heartless, cold murderer! No one cares about you, all you were good for was fighting and killing!' Heero wilted at his own mind's harsh words... he was right, he didn't deserve to rob innocent people of their hard earned money.

Putting one hand against the brick wall to give himself support, he got to his feet and slowly stumbled onward, fighting to flee from himself. As he tentatively placed each foot in front of the next, snow started to fall heavily from the dark coloured sky. Heero shivered, it was going to be a long day.

As he forced each foot forward through the steadily building up snow, he wondered where he was walking to, and came to the conclusion, anywhere as long as he couldn't hurt any more innocents. After walking for quite a while, he moved off the main road and sat down, only for a few moments so he could catch his breath. As he sat there panting, his eyelids got heavier and heavier, the weight that was on his heart, pushing down onto his eyes, eventually he couldn't keep awake any longer, and fell asleep with his breath misting the cold air.

~Heero's Dream~

Dark, dark, dark, everywhere, darkness closing in. The air is stifling, breath isn't coming right, it's as if a huge weights on my chest. I'm all alone in this dark, dark place. No one cares about the ex war slaughterer. Out of the darkness loomed visions from the war; cold, dead bodies lying scattered around. Maniacal laughter ringing through ears, the laughter is my own. A little girl, lying, golden puppy bye her side, crushed to death. A great voice booming "Your Fault! Your Fault" Heero screamed aloud his agony, pain he had suffered from past injuries, mental pain he caused himself. Tears flowed freely from his eyes, unchecked; as they dripped down his cheeks they left a burning passage feeling as if they were burning him as a punishment for crying. He was weak... pathetic... alone... dead... a murderer. The picture folded in on itself, and turned to a graveyard, with several young children, all poorly clad, and a weeping mother, dressed in shabby black clothes, standing by a marked grave. The words burned into Heero's memory, "Here is where the body of Anthony Kokako should lie, a brave soldier, fighting for what he believed in. Now his remains are scattered throughout space, murdered as he slept." "I'm sorry..." Heero tried to brokenly whisper, immediately knowing that he had slaughtered the man with this reduced family. But they couldn't see him, they were left alone with their grief as he was with his guilt. Heero screamed again, and felt his eyes beginning to flutter open as he was pulled back to his body along with his guilt.

Heero's eyes shot open, "I'm sorry... I'm sorry" he whispered brokenly into his hands, shivering violently. "I'm sorry..." Slowly, he got up again, deciding that murderers deserved no more time for rest, and began walking in time with his little mantra of "I'm sorry" as tears gently fell from his skinny face, past his bony blue arms, and onto the pure, innocent snow which caused so much hurt.

As he stumbled on, he paid no attention to the fact that he was going further into an alley. He was lost in his pain. He paid no attention to the fact that there was a dark figure following him, he barely even felt it when his arms were roughly grabbed and he was pushed into a wall with bruising force. He was numb as invading lips were roughly forced onto his own. He didn't even try to struggle, every bit of pain he felt as the foreign lips bit down on his own, was increased ten-fold by his own self hatred. The pain he felt as his head banged against the wall was numbed by the pain of his heart. His eyes stared sightlessly past his attacker, screaming in pain, begging for someone to save him, not even seeing his assailant, just staring blankly ahead. He didn't even notice when a tongue forced its way past his chattering teeth, exploring every dark, shrunken corner of the little red hole. He didn't feel the slap he got for instinctively biting down on the invading object in his mouth, which knocked him to the floor. He didn't even feel it when legs started kicking him as he lay there, unhearing of the voice drunkenly slurring at him to get up. Eventually he was hauled up, and shoved yet again into the wall, swaying in his exhaustion and agony. He came to life with a jump when his spandex and tank top was ripped off, tattered into shreds, his whole body lying naked to the elements. His distant eyes quickly registered the pant less man, standing in front of him, his desire reflected in his eyes and shape of his jutting out manhood.

Two hands shoved down on his shoulders and without the strength to resist, Heero collapsed onto his knees, only to have the long, pulsing item shoved in his face, and the drunken barks of "suck it!" Heero flinched back in fear and disgust, he hated himself, but wasn't sure he wanted this. "Suck it you fucking bastard! You know you want it you fucking whore... look at you, wearing those skintight clothes... your just asking for it!" In Heero's injured mind, those words started to make sense, they seemed right. He obviously was asking for trouble, maybe this was his way of being punished for his crimes. With reluctance, he opened his mouth, and the stranger shoved it in, right to the back of Heero's throat, making him gag. "Suck! Suck!" the drunk cried out, his throbbing member enclosed in the warmth of Heero's mouth. Heero slowly started to move his unpractised head up and down the throbbing object. Shrinking away as the man thrust forward hitting the back of his throat once again. Heero tried to throw up, but his stomach was empty, and mouth full. Soon, the man released his need into Heero's mouth, and he was forced to swallow it, a trickle of warmth crawling down the icy wall of throat. Then the man shoved Heero back into the wall, and just looked at him, lying there on the icy snow, trying to keep from crying. As he saw how pathetic and weak he looked there, without the strength to even move, he felt his manhood begin to swell with desire once more. He glanced at Heero, lust evident, and stalked towards him. He dragged at Heero's leg, so he wasn't being propped up by the wall, and lying his great bulk on Heero's minuscule frame, began playing with his nipples, sucking, while twisting the other around, and then turning his attentions onto the other one so it was being sucked and the other twisted and teased, until they were both throbbing painfully.

Heero felt his traitorous body respond to his tormentor's caresses, and started sobbing quietly, only to be backhanded round the face. The man guided Heero's unwilling hands down to his once more throbbing man-hood, he forced Heero to grab it and rapidly move his hands up and down his length until it was completely hard.

Then, placing his tool against Heero's, and with little warning for the previously unopened hole, he rammed into Heero's small opening with enough force to make Heero scream through his raw throat. Heero had never faced such blinding agony. Not when he had self destructed... never! With every thrust, with every cry of delight or pain, his body was ripped apart, his heart was shattered, and any remaining self-confidence was dead, he felt so dirty, to be used like this. This was his punishment for being a murderer. He wished he were dead. From an act that was supposed to be pleasurable, he received nothing but pain, and hearing the cries of delight of his opponent made it no easier as he was rammed into time and time again, each time the pain growing, his own body responded without Heero intending it to, his back arched as a certain spot was hit. The stranger allowed his hands to roam over Heero's body, feeling every bone, rib, bruise, eventually as he grew tired, using his hands leaning on Heero's body to hold himself upright, he once again kissed Heero, both of them panting heavily, one of desire and pleasure, and one of pain.

Finally, the merciful blackness started to close in on him, due long ago, but not after his enemy had emptied his essence into him, gave him a final kick and strode off, with a bounce in his step, cattishly pleased in his fun. Heero laid there, his innocence staining the pure snow which melted down his cheeks alongside the hot salty teardrops.

Heero stayed there for several hours, naked, weak, closer to death than he'd ever been. Eventually morning came, it turned to afternoon, and eventually to dusk, then the next morning returned, just like the cycle of life. No one came, he lay there, getting weaker and weaker, starving slowly to death, loosing blood from still oozing wounds, fading in and out of consciousness. At some times he wasn't sure what was real and what was dream so filled with fever was he, many times he believed he was with the other pilots, in a warm room, with as much food as he wanted. He even thought he saw the girl who died a few times. With her puppy dog yipping along beside her. Those were the worst times, she was always blaming him, Heero lost count of the amount of times he cried in those two days. He lost count of the number of times he cried out, he lost count of the times he saw the other pilot's graves, dead because he messed up. Whenever he woke up, there was a tabby cat snuggled up against him, licking him slightly, rubbing its body up and down against Heero's freezing limbs, trying to warm him it seemed to Heero. His voice, long dead, tried to tell the cat to leave him, he didn't want it to be hurt or get ill, but the cat just gave him a 'look' and washed its paws.

On the eve of the third day, he opened his eyes to the still snowing skies, amazed to be alive and found to his loneliness, that the cat wasn't there. He heard the crunch of snow indicating some one coming. Half of him wanted to cry out "I'm here! Help!" the other half wanted to curl up and hide in case it was the man again. Some of him hoped that he wouldn't be found and that he'd freeze to death here. Already all of his body was completely numb, which was a relief, as he couldn't feel the pain. He was convinced he had some cracked ribs by the amount they hurt when he coughed, which was frequent. A person came into sight, trudging along in the deep snow, Heero scrunched up in a ball, it was the person from before! A cattish smile upon his face as he stalked up to Heero. Belt hurriedly being undone, pants swiftly coming off, "miss me?" a voice slurred. Heero tried to roll away, move, anything! However, his body was frozen stiff, his energy levels were dead. Heero didn't have the energy to move a finger. All he could do was allow himself to be physically and mentally raped once more. The man finished relieving his needs, and swiftly got dressed once more, leaving the whole alley way stinking of blood, sweat and fear.

Heero managed to survive till morning, and knew he wouldn't last much longer. His self-hatred welcoming Death to come, yet still the image of a Chinese friend pushed itself forward. Heero mentally shook his head, Wufei couldn't want him now, he was filthy! Contaminated! A slut! A whore! He would die alone here. As his thoughts tormented him, he wept once more.

However, Heero's time on Earth was not over yet. A man following the cat who had ran off after sometime during the night, the cat who had saved Heero's life, and without he would have been dead within a few hours. Came walking down the alleyway, however, in Heero's fever-fogged mind, he saw a small man, stalking like a feline, fever induced imaginary big arms coming to hurt him and big legs coming to kick him, big manhood, coming to steal his pride, his voice, long past the capabilities of speaking, or making a sound, whimpered silently. Begging in his head that he wouldn't be hurt. His breathing quickened, his pupils diluted in fear, his belly, swollen from his hunger fading in and out. Desperately he tried to curl up into himself, hiding his head, maybe if he couldn't see them, he'd just disappear and they couldn't see him. His eyes rolled back, and he missed the horrified gasp as the longhaired old man saw the bloody body, surrounded by snow stained a startling red.

Dumbledore's eyes quickly took in the swollen, naked body, blue with cold, and his eyes froze in horror when he saw where he was injured. Looking down at the cat who had swiftly run to the young boys side, he saw the cat take the shape of a human, and a young Professor McGonagal came into view rapidly taking off her cloak to cover the naked boy, he quickly snapped out of his shock and pulled his jacket round the naked body. "Quick! We need to get him to Hogwarts, he might be a muggle, but we can't leave him here." McGonagal smiled using her wand, levitated him. "Even if you'd said leave him, I'd have taken him anyway Albus, you don't want to know what the poor thing's been through, and I refuse to leave him here!" With that, she looked to Dumbledore, who made a portkey out of a nearby piece of rubbish, and together with Heero, they went straight to Hogwarts, the Infirmary Wing, in the middle of the Christmas holidays, on Christmas Day.

Poppy Pomfrey was waiting there for them, and had a bed ready warmed (AN: I've changed around ages and stuff as usual lol, this is set before Harry is born, several years before he's born, however, Fred and George are in their first year, and Charlie, Bill, and Percy are all there) McGonagal hurried off to Gryffindor Tower to find the other young men who had joined the first years at the beginning of that school year, Duo Maxwell, Wufei Chang, Trowa Barton and Quatre Winner (AN: I'm not going to even TRY to spell Quatre's other names... lol). She had a sneaky suspicion that the boy who she had found in her cat form was none other than Heero Yuy, and was no more a muggle than she was an elephant. She went rushing into the dorm that the pilot's were sharing (all too paranoid to sleep with other people) barely pausing to knock on the door and to hear a muffled come in. As she entered she saw Wufei sitting at a desk working, Duo lying in bed exclaiming joyfully over presents he had got, and Quatre and Trowa sitting quietly reading books they had given each other. "Is there trouble Professor?" asked Quatre, politely as always. "no" she answered, "although I think I may have some good news, but am not sure..." she broke off slightly, in a slight turmoil, all the boys had been worried about Heero, and she didn't want to crush their hopes. "I think I've found Heero," she said slowly. Their reaction was instantaneous, Duo immediately sat up, Wufei stopped working, Quatre and Trowa rapidly stood up, "he's in the hospital wing" after saying that, she turned around and left, allowing the boys to get changed.

As she left, the boys looked at each other "do you think he's really...?" Quatre said hesitantly, Wufei shook his head, "I don't know... but we've got to see!" shoving his wand in his pocket, he quickly ran out the room leaving the other three to get changed and Quatre hiding a smile, he knew how Wufei had felt about Heero. As soon as they were changed, the others swiftly followed.

Wufei arrived in the hospital wing not even out of breath from his sprint. He shuddered to a halt as he saw the boy on the bed, Professor McGonagal looked at him with questioning eyes as Madame Pomfrey worked her magic over the boy. "It's him" was all Wufei could stutter. He stumbled over to the unconscious boy in a daze, "is... is... is he...?" "No he's not dead" cut in Madame Pomfrey briskly "he's alive, but in a bad state, I'm unsure of yet if he'll survive. He has some ...nasty injuries, is freezing, lost a lot of blood, fever and I think either pneumonia or hypothermia and on top of that, a few broken bones. The bones, cuts and bruises I can heal in a minute, but not the mental injuries, or the weight problem..." "He'll survive!" said Wufei, fervently staring into Heero's closed eyes, "He's strong, he will survive... won't he?" suddenly unsure, he looked to Professor McGonagal for support "we don't know Wufei... we can only hope" McGonagal said uncharacteristically gently. "What happened to him?" "It is not our place to tell you, if he wants to, he can when he's awake." It was at this point that Duo, Quatre and Trowa came rushing in to see Madame Pomfrey bending over Heero, fixing his bones.

Wufei answered their questions in a monotonous voice, eye's never leaving Heero's face. His pale skin, skinny bones gave the impression of illness, but the flushed of his cheeks gave a false appearance of health. Wufei felt his knees go wobbly, and sat down on a nearby bed. "Come on Yuy, come on... you can survive, your Heero. You always survive..." he whispered. Quatre came and sat down beside him, "I'm sure he'll be ok." He said quietly, so only Wufei could hear. Madame Pomfrey soon finished with Heero, "that's the best I can do, it's up to him now." She said. As soon as she left his side, Wufei got a chair, and pulled it over to Heero's bedside, grabbed his hand trying to warm it, and waited.

Wufei remained there for several days, barely eating, and never sleeping, not once leaving Heero's side in case he woke up. Eventually as the fourth day dawned, the sun's early beams spread out, gently entwining their heat around the sleeping body of Wufei, fingers still wrapped around Heero's, breathing deep and even. Quatre and Trowa were lying on the floor, also asleep, a blanket covering the two of them, peaceful in an interlacing embrace, and Duo was snoring softly in the corner, cap pulled down over his eyes, and a blanket covering him, with his left hand clutching a cross as hard as he could. A student came bustling in to see a friend, disturbing the tranquillity of the room, but as soon as she saw the sleeping boys, quietly yet quickly crept out, pulling the door behind her having covered Wufei with a blanket. She went out with a smile on her face at the innocence of the boys who had seen and done so much, yet still retained innocence even if only in sleep. An image of Heero's drawn, pale face flashed across her mind, maybe they hadn't all retained innocence. Maybe the war had damaged them more than they let on.

As she stood staring through the window at the scene of serenity, she noticed the little finger of Heero's right hand twitch, once, twice, and again! The skin around his eyes creased up slightly as he frowned, and gave a slight moan of fear. The student sadly ran off to get Madame Pomfrey; coming back into a nightmare was Heero.

Heero's nightmare

Fire, death, pain, torture. People dying all around. Screams hurtling through the blackness as if being chased by something

Flash of white light / change of scene~, in a strange, warm kitchen that I've never been in cooking food that I've never seen or tasted, suddenly the window breaks in (its raining outside and now inside as well)... the rain turns to hail, then it starts hailing dust, instead of ice... the dust gets wet and a sticky red substance starts to fall alongside it... and you can just tell its not natural dust, it feels... dead, yet alive. Suddenly I realise what it is, cremated bodies, instead of raining water or hailing ice, it's raining the dead. Bits more recognisable as coming from bodies. Eyeballs, actual skin, hair. Soon, the "rain" stops and the "dust" layering the ground starts to form a half dead body of Wufei, decaying, as soon as a bit of skin drops off of him, the dust regenerates it into another. His eyes are glinting wickedly with lust, and his skin is sagging. He chases me around and around and around in a big dark room which suddenly appears, and the walls start closing in until I have nowhere left to run I am in a box alongside him, me panting heavily, exhausted; him, calm, twisted smile on his face. Everywhere I turn there is blackness, no light, it's closer, closer, closer! He raises a knife which he got from somewhere and holds it to my throat. "How could you do this to me... its your fault!" Then he slashes me, again and again, again and again. I fall to the floor, my chest bleeding in the words whore and murderer, blood drips down, staining the clean floor, I'm lying on my back, when he rips off my clothing, and, grabbing a whip from I don't even know where, lays into my head, and face, until I'm blind with my own blood. Then he takes off his clothes, and proceeds to hurt me in ways I didn't think he could, laughing as I cry out in pain. Then he leaves, I'm alone... all alone...

~Change of scene, flash of white light~

In a big black place, various faces keep on appearing whether I look, angry faces, hating faces, blaming faces. I run from them, but they keep up, whispering angrily now, whispering phrases such as "keep running, we'll catch you up// you always hurt the ones you love// give in, you're to weak// weakling// whore! Slut! You ask for whatever you get! ~ 1 face isn't mad or anything, just sad, she keeps telling me to run, if I don't, those who I care about will suffer. I keep on running, breath rasping through my lungs, legs aching, having to relive various flash backs from my past, but the words keep running keep sounding through my head so I have to escape the flashbacks. Eventually I get back into a small black place, but there is a light place at the end of it. I run towards the light, and there is a sacrifice platform thingy, there is Wufei, Duo, Trowa and Quatre tied up, with the man who hurt me holding a knife out to me, hilt first. He tells me to choose. I have to choose which one to kill, and then kill them myself. I say to kill me instead but he smirks and says no, if I die so do they all. I have thirty seconds to decide which one to kill, none of them can speak for some reason, but they can look. There is fear in all their eyes, yet Wufei nods at me, and then so do the others. In then end, I can't choose I shove the dagger through my own heart to the man's howl of rage. Then its all black once again, I feel four heavy things fall down on top of me, it's their bodies... Wufei says eyes dripping with hate "how selfish you are Yuy! You got the easy death! We all die in agony, bits of our bodies falling off, and acid flowing through our veins! Bah! You're nothing but a weakling!" he reaches out for me, and grabs my hand, forcing it to touch him in pleasure areas, I try to shrink away, he says "as I've got to die, your to selfish to even give me this last bit of pleasure!" I shake my head, and gently start to touch him, crying as images of what that man did to me and made me do to him, however his eyes explode, showering me in blood, then he dies screaming in agony all I can do is watch him, and now the others all dying, all in great agony, while I stay alive, with a dagger jutting out my chest, in no pain, and alive. Hands shaking my shoulders, screaming my name, hands slapping my face, screaming how I'm hated, liquid drips from my eyes, I feel it burn as it falls, its not tears, but blood. I am weak. I must die.

Wufei shook Heero's shoulders hard, desperately trying to waken him. Tears were running down the face from the closed eyelids of the stoic pilot. "Heero!!!" Wufei yelled "Heero! Wake up, it's a dream!" Cries kept on escaping Heero's lips, forming words, but Wufei and the other G-boys who were anxiously hovering were unable to understand them as they were in Japanese. Madame Pomfrey swiftly ran in, "move!" she snapped at the distressed boys, the others stepped back, but Wufei said firmly "I'm not leaving him!" the nurse glared, but her expression softened as she saw the worry, "fine" she replied softly, "but don't get in the way!" Wufei nodded, and sitting down once more on the chair, stroked the thrashing child's flailing hand, trying to soothe him.

Heero's eyes rapidly flew open as Madame Pomfrey made a gesture with her wand. Wufei readied himself to restrain him if necessary, but Heero didn't move. His eyes were open, but he was staring up at the ceiling as if nothing else was there. His lips were forming the word 'gomen nasai' {AN: sorry in Japanese} but no sound was coming out. "Heero?" Wufei said tentatively "Heero? Are you ok? It's Wufei." Madame Pomfrey looked him over, "he's gone into shock, give him a few minutes and he'll be alert." Wufei nodded and prepared to wait again. He didn't have long to wait, first Heero's fist started shaking, and then the rest of his body came to life. He sat up with a jolt, saw all the people, and collapsed straight back down again, hiding his face in his quilt. "Heero?" Duo asked slightly surprised. "Hey, Hee-chan it's us. Hello?" Heero kept on trembling out of either fear or cold, Duo wasn't sure. Wufei quietly stepped forward and placed a hand on his shoulder. Heero shied away as if he'd been hit, his whole body was tensed as he tried to control himself, "gomen nasai, gomen nasai, gomen nasai" he kept on whispering. Wufei gently clutched his chin, "Heero," he said gently tugging his head so it faced him "Heero, it's me. Wufei. Wu... Wuf... Wufei-chan." There was a moment of lucidity in Heero's eyes, and he stared at Wufei's face. "Wufei?" he whispered, "your not mad at me?" "Course not" was the swift answer, "you've done nothing to make me mad." "Sorry..." said Heero with downcast eyes, "for nothing!" answered Wufei, "you've nothing to be sorry for, I'm just happy your awake." "I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry" chanted Heero, tears slowly dripping down his cheeks. "I didn't mean to. Sorry. I'm weak. Sorry. You're right. I'm sorry. I was bad. Sorry-""you've done nothing!" interrupted Wufei, pulling him gently into a hug, the weeping boy's body tensed slightly, but soon relaxed into the embrace. The other occupants of the room let out a breath they hadn't realised they were holding. Heero was going to recover!

Wufei kept his arm's around Heero, a part of his mind noted the irony of the situation, how he'd so often wanted to hold the Wing pilot, just not like this, another part inwardly cried at how scared Heero was, how thin he was, although Madame Pomfrey had healed all the bruises, the way Heero had flinched, as if a bruise had been hurt. It didn't take a genius to work out how Heero had been injured. Wufei clamped down on the anger, and softly rubbed his hand up and down Heero's back, feeling all the sticking out ribs, murmuring nonsense words of comfort. "You're dead." Whispered Heero brokenly. "I'm here, and definitely not dead" Wufei replied softly, "I'm living, breathing, and am here for you," "but you died because of me, they all did, every last one of them, he hurt me because I am a murderer, I slaughtered them!" Heero broke off sobbing once more; his chest heaving as he struggled for air, "You didn't!" broke in Duo immediately "it was a war! They chose which side to fight on! You were fighting to save million's of other lives, for every one who died, it was because you were saving other people's lives. Don't you go blaming yourself, you had your life, your childhood ripped from you so you could save other people, it's not your fault!" "but I killed her, the girl with the puppy, she's dead, she was innocent and I slaughtered her!" the raw anguish in Heero's voice was enough to almost render Wufei to tears as he gently rubbed up and down Heero's back trying to soothe the broken boy.

Eventually Heero's eyes drew to a close once more, wrapped in the warm embrace of Wufei, who gently laid the exhausted boy back on the bed, and turned to look at his fellow pilots, temporarily ignoring Madame Pomfrey and Professor McGonagal. Quatre was still on the floor, hand over heart, tears falling down his face, his empathy coming into action. Trowa had a gentle hand on his shoulder, with a carefully placed mask over his face. And Duo was being as un Duo-ish as thought possible, wearing a serious face, quiet, and thoughtful. It was in that silence, they made a pact together, to never desert their friend again.

~Time jump for 3 days, 1 week till end of Christmas Holidays~

Heero gently swung his legs over the edge of the bed, and recoiled slightly at the icy feel of the Hospital Wing floor. "Come on Heero" said Wufei with an encouraging smile. "It's lunch time, and you said you wanted to get up today," Heero shook his head, fear entering his eyes, "I can't... there will be people there... I can't, Fei, I'm... afraid..." Wufei closed the difference between them, and gently placed his hand on Heero's shoulder feeling the slight flinch but ignoring it. "Heero, yes there will be people there, but there will also be me, and Maxwell, Quatre, Trowa and Professor McGonagal, and if you think we're going to let you get hurt your completely mistaken. No one in Hogwarts will hurt you anyway, you're safe here! You haven't come out of the Hospital Wing since you arrived here, it's not good for you, your strong Yuy, you can beat this enemy, it's just like Oz, except the enemy is your own fear." Heero clung to Wufei, "do you promise you won't leave me?" Wufei smiled gently, "of course I won't.. Not now. Not ever!" Heero gave one last shudder, and slowly got to his shaky feet. Wufei turned around allowing him to get changed, but close enough so that Heero could keep one hand on his shoulder for balance. Then at Heero's quiet affirmative that he was ready, he put one arm around his shoulder, and slowly walked towards the exit.

Heero walked slowly, his leg muscles weak, and his steps unsure. He kept a hand on Wufei at all times, otherwise he'd have fallen. His face was still gaunt, and he was still incredibly skinny, body as thin as a rake, but he'd lost the flush of fever from his cheeks. His eyes darted all over the place, looking for people, and his breath quickened slightly as they left the Hospital Wing, but Wufei stopped just outside the door, and let him look around, to prove to himself there was no danger. At Heero's nod, they carried on, and Wufei led Heero to the Dining Hall, stopping to show him some of the sights, such as the moving paintings which Heero had never clapped eyes on before. The first time they passed a painting which actually spoke to them, Heero's legs collapsed in fright, and it took Wufei and the painting several moments to calm him down again. Eventually they arrived at the Dining Hall.

Wufei stopped at the doors, and allowed Heero to peer in, and see the amount of people there were. Luckily the Hall was almost empty, there were a few of the teachers, and a few pupils all sitting on one table, with two spaces reserved for Heero and Wufei next to Duo and Quatre.

Heero entered the hall very slowly, legs trembling at every step, muscles tensed to flee at the first sign of danger. Wufei kept his hand on Heero's shoulder, allowing him a bit of comfort, but Heero needed to prove to himself that he could do this, so Wufei was careful not to do to much for him. At one point Heero stopped dead in the middle, muffled whimpers coming from his mouth as he looked around. "What's wrong Heero?" asked Wufei quietly "It's ok, don't worry, calm down. There's no one whose going to hurt you here," Heero soon got himself under control again, and they carried their slow progress to the table, with several students looking on with barely hidden curiosity. When they arrived at their seats, Duo beckoned to the seat next to him with a welcoming smile on his face, "good to see you up Heero, come and sit down, the food here's GREAT!" Heero smiled slightly, Duo's interest in food hadn't diminished at all. The other past pilots smiled at Heero as well as he sat down. The plates in front of him mysteriously filled with food, Heero's eyes widened, he'd never seen so much food before. "Help yourself to whatever you want," Quatre said with a smile on his lips. Heero felt his lips quirk upwards slightly, and he placed a small amount of food on his plate, his stomach still could only hold very small amounts of food, and if he ate a lot he'd most likely throw up.

The rest of the meal passed quickly, and it was at the end of the meal that Dumbledore stood up, looked significantly at McGonagal, who left the room, and swiftly returned with the Sorting Hat. "I thought," Dumbledore said, eyes twinkling merrily, "that it would be a good idea to decide what house your going to be in before the rest of the school came back Mr. Yuy, I thought that would be easier on you, am I correct?" Heero looked to Wufei, uncertainty shining in his eyes, he hadn't thought that this would happen, "it's ok" Wufei whispered, "you just have to wear the hat, and you'll hear a voice, nothing will hurt you at all." Heero looked to the headmaster, and gave a shaky nod, fear obvious. Professor Dumbledore walked down the table, and placed the hat on the scared young man's head. Despite Wufei's warning, the young man nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard a voice speaking, "hmmm, interesting, yes... very interesting." Said the sorting hat, "plenty of bravery, but then a lot of fear, self doubt hmmm... a lot of intelligence as well and a thirst to prove that your not weak, you'd do well in all four houses young one. However, now lets think of your history, the Slytherine's would intimidate you, the Ravenclaw's would not be good for your self confidence, Hufflepuff wouldn't be challenging enough for you, yet all your friend's are in Gryffindor, they might smother you, hmm... your very interesting Heero." 'please let me be with my friends, please let me be with Wufei' begged Heero over and over in his head, little beads of sweat welling up in fear of being separated from the few people he trusted, "calm down Heero, I think it will be best to put you with your friends, yesss... that mean's you shall go to GRYFFINDOR" the last word was shouted out, and Heero felt his comrades satisfaction that they were all in the same house on top of his own relief at not being separated, which was his greatest fear. The hat was lifted off of Heero's head, and he could once again see the smiling eyes of Albus Dumbledore, it was his instinct to flinch away at seeing him so close, but Wufei's calming hand prevented him from bolting from the tall old man, "welcome to Gryffindor Mr. Yuy," said Dumbledore smiling in satisfaction.

End of chapter 1.

Next time:

The bodies were all pressing against him, Heero started losing control of his sanity, pain screeched through his mind, he couldn't get away! Suddenly, a hand placed itself upon his shoulder, "miss me?" said Heero's voice of nightmares. Heero's legs collapsed, and he fell into the realms of unconscious.

Poor Heero!! I put him through so much don't I? Please review, this is my first fanfic. Also, I need a beta reader, if your interested please say so in a review. Constructive criticism is wanted, I'm trying to improve my writing skills as I want to write stories, and poetry, if you've any advice on improving skills, please say. This story is a test for me of how far I'm willing to go, not all my stories will be angst filled.