Disclaimer: Ah, the million dollar question…You know no one ever answers those, right?
Of Angry Mums, Exploding Spaghetti Sauce, and REALLY Annoying Songs
I stood looking after Ron for a few seconds before I turned to Butch.
"You were going to make me do that?" I asked incredulously.
Butch looked at me, "Were?" he said. And then he reached back to pull out another arrow.
My eyes widened, and I whirled around intent on throwing myself down the stairs in the hope that maybe it might kill me. Or at the very least, put me in a coma for a few hundred years. I did not want to around screaming, "HARRY MY LOVE! I'M COMING! I SWEAR I DON'T SNOG LIKE A GOLDFISH!" Not my idea of a good way to tell him.
But just as I was about to take the final leap of my most embarrassing life, I heard what was unmistakably the voice of an angry mother. Though it wasn't my Mum. The voice I was hearing was waaay too pleasant and light to be Mum's. Though it was most definitely angry.
"CUPIDO MERCURY EROS AMORE!" the voice said. I tripped and fell backwards onto the landing.
Butch winced, and quickly shoved his bow behind his back like a guilty kid caught stealing a cookie before dinner, "How many times mother! Don't call me that! The name is BUTCH!"
A pink, glowing orb appeared on the landing in front of Butch. It grew brighter until, with a flash, it disappeared and left behind, a very angry looking woman. She was beautiful, with long, wavy blonde hair, a pale, ivory face complemented with rose colored cheeks, and stunningly blue eyes that were currently flashing fire. I gasped, it was Aphrodite.
"CUPIDO MERCURY!" she yelled again, this time advancing on Butch. He hovered back away from her, "I TOLD YOU THAT THERE WOULD BE NO ARROW-SHOOTING FOR THIS ASSIGNMENT! THEY DON'T NEED IT, IT ISN'T NECESSARY!"
Butch put on his best innocent face. I snorted. Butch putting on an innocent face was like attempting to discreetly scratch your bum. It just didn't work.
Butch continued, "How lovely to see you, Mummy dearest! What's this about arrow-shooting? There has been no arrow-shooting done by me! None at all! Perhaps it was the other me that you sent to Po-…" but Aphrodite had closed the distance between them and clapped a hand over his mouth.
"Not in front of the girl, you imbecile!" she hissed, "Honestly, if you weren't my own son, I would fire you for incompetence!"
She then reached behind him and grabbed his bow. He refused to let go.They had a bit of a tug-o-war with it.
"YOU GIVE ME THIS BOW RIGHT NOW, YOUNG MAN! YOU HAVE LOST YOUR PRIVELEGES WITH IT! IF YOU CANNOT BEHAVE RESPONSIBLY WITH THIS BOW, THEN I WILL BE FORCED TO CONFISCATE IT!"
Butch held on to his bow for dear life as his mother swung him around the landing.
"But Mummy! I need it!" whined Butch, sounding very much like a little three year old whose favorite plaything is being taken away.
Aphrodite suddenly let go of the bow, and Butch flew down the hall and hit the wall with a smack.
"You better do your job, mister! Or I'm gonna send you're father down here! He has permission from Zeus to use his thunderbolts when he wishes, you know!"
Butch groaned and looked slightly frightened, "Mummy please don't! It took weeks for all my bloody hair to grow back last time!"
Aphrodite huffed, "Well then do your bloody job correctly! And watch you're language! You're just lucky that that boy you hit with the arrow was meant to be with that girl eventually! Otherwise, it'd be more than your hair that was missing!"
With that, Aphrodite turned to me and said, in a slightly irritated, but still reassuring voice, "I don't make mistakes in the matter of love, dear." And she disappeared in a wisp of sweet-smelling pink smoke.
I gaped at the spot where Aphrodite had just stood and wondered if maybe I had actually thrown myself down the stairs and was now having a coma-induced hallucination.
So, I did what they do in those Muggle movies Hermione makes me watch. I pinched myself.
It hurt.
Therefore, I decided I wasn't in a coma.
Butch groaned, and picked himself up off the floor, "Damn bloody devil woman. Well, we'll see what she can do about it…," he grumbled. A low rumble of thunder echoed through the hall warningly.
Butch scowled, "Alright!" he said, "Alright! No bloody arrows!"
I sniggered, "Still controlled by Mummy, are we?"
"Shut it butter face."
That shut me up. I glared at him and descended the stairs.
The sight that greeted me at the bottom of them was absolute pandemonium.
In the appearance of Aphrodite, I had forgotten about the earlier escapade involving a confrontation between Ron's arse and a certain heart-tipped arrow.
He was running from room to room screaming, "HERMIONE!" at the top of his lungs, golden arrow protruding from his bum.
Mum was in the kitchen yelling at the top of her lungs to shut up or she was gonna whack him with a metal spoon instead of a wooden one.
The Tetra-twerps were huddled around the kitchen yelling at the top of their lungs "NINETY NINE BOTTLES OF BUTTERBEER ON THE WALL, NINETY NINE BOTTLE OF BUTTERBEER! TAKE ONE DOWN, PASS IT AROUND, NINETY EIGHT BOTTLE OF BUTTERBEER ON THE WALL! NINETY EIGHT…" and so on and so forth. I'm sure you get the point.
Harry, however, was perfectly quiet. He was sitting calmly at the kitchen table, sipping tea, and looking around amusedly. Though, the amusement didn't fully reach his eyes. His eyes looked a bit panicked, and the corner of his mouth was moving, as if he was talking out of it.
Before I could wonder about this, his eyes widened and he turned his head around to look at me. His eyes met mine, and he smiled. Though I wouldn't exactly call it a warm smile. It was more like a if-we-were-in-any-other-situation-I-would-be-interrogating-you-right-now smile, if there's such a thing.
I smiled weakly back, and then decided I should just camp out in the bathroom before anyone else noticed my presence. Especially Mum, since she would have me mashing some more potatoes.
And I didn't think me being around any kind of food that I could make analogies from was a smart idea.
Besides, did I mention that cooking isn't my thing?
Harry, however, decided he didn't want to let me escape.
"Why hello there, Gin!" he said brightly. Though his eyes were flickering mischievously. He seemed to be paying me back for the bombshell I had dropped on him earlier that day.
At my name, my mother whipped around, brandishing her spoon, and temporarily stopped yelling.
"Ginny!" I froze. Dammit, she caught me, "Come here and help me make the spaghetti sauce," she commanded.
I sighed resignedly and turned around, to see Harry smirking at me from the kitchen table.
I glared at him, and moved towards the stove.
Just as I was passing him, trying desperately not to attack him and snog him like a goldfish, Hermione came into the kitchen from outside.
Now normally, this would not be a big deal. However, as my brother was currently shot in the butt with one of Butch's arrows, it made it a bit more of a deal.
Ron yelled, "HERMIONE!" and ran towards her, knocking me over in the process.
Take a wild guess where I landed. Ding ding! Correct! You're a winner!
Oh, yes, right on Harry's lap.
Unfortunately, he was still holding his hot tea. It slipped from his glass and landed upside down…on his crotch.
He leapt up, sending me tumbling to the floor.
The noise level was reaching phenomenal levels.
The quadruplets had let off one of Fred and George's wet start fireworks. A huge sparkling pink pig was now squealing and oinking around the room, letting off pops every once in a while.
"EEEEEEEEEEEE!" went the firework pig.
"OW! MY BUM!" went me.
"HOT! HOT! HOT! OOOOOHHH, IT'S HOT!" went Harry.
"NINETY-SIX BOTTLES OF BUTTERBEER ON THE WALL, NINETY SIX BOTTLES OF BUTTERBEER!…" went the twerps.
"Ginny! Get up off the floor and help me with this sauce! NOW!" went Mum.
"HERMIONE!" went Ron.
"…BOTTLES OF BUTTERBEER!"
"GINNY! NOW!"
"HOOOOOOOOOTTT!"
"TAKE ONE DOWN, PASS IT…"
And finally.
"HERMIONE JANE GRANGER! I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES!"
If you ever feel the need to stop all motion and sound in a room…yell those words. It is very effective.
I stopped attempting to dislodge my hand from under Harry's foot (he had stepped on it while jumping around).
Harry stopped jumping (effectively trapping my hand) and his hands stopped fluttering about his crotch, trying to cool it down. It looked like he was attempting to do some sort of ballerina move and was failing miserably.
Mum stopped yelling, and had her spoon reared back, ready to rap one of the quadruplets on the head. It was dripping spaghetti sauce.
The Fearsome Four all had their mouths half-open, staring at Ron.
Ron was breathing heavily, staring at Hermione.
And Hermione had dropped the basket of strawberries she had been carrying, and was gaping at Ron.
Not a sound was made. Except for the pig.It said, "EEE!" But nobody paid any attention to it.
I slowly came out of my trance and walked over to Ron. I grabbed the arrow, and yanked it out of his butt.
His eyes unglazed.
"Bloody…effing…hell," he said.
Hermione snapped out of it too, "Don't curse Ronald!" she said. But then she kissed him. Passionately.
"EWWW! NINETY-NINE BLOODY EFFING HELLS ON THE WALL, NINETY-NINE BLOO-"
"BOYS! STOP CURSING THIS INSTANT! AND STOP SINGING THAT BLOODY SONG!"
"NINETY-NINE CURSING GRANDMAS ON THE WALL, NINETY-NINE CURSING GRANDMAS!"
"EEEEEEEEEEE! OINK OINK OINK!"
"BOYS! YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW OR I'M GONNA…"
"TAKE ONE DOWN, PASS IT AROUND, NINETY-EIGHT CURSING GRANDMAS ON THE WALL!"
I turned around amidst the pandemonium, and my eyes locked with Harry's. He looked shocked. He stared at the hand holding the arrow in it.
He looked at me, and opened his mouth to say something.
And then the spaghetti sauce exploded because the pig landed in it.
Effective Way to Stop all Noise in a Room Number Two: Blow the spaghetti sauce up with a firework shaped like a pig.
All that could be heard was slurping sounds coming from Hermione and Ron.
That is until…
"NINETY NINE BOWLS OF EXPLODING SPAGHETTI SAUCE ON THE WALL, NINETY NINE BOWLS OF EXPLODING SPAGHETTIE SAUCE! TAKE ONE DOWN, PASS IT AROUND, NINETY-EIGHT BOWLS OF EXPLODING SPAGHETTI SAUCE ON THE WALL! NINETY EIGHT…"
Sweet Merlin, this was a headache.
