Disclaimer: Ya, no, don't own it. Though I do own the Tetra-twerps, I'm rather proud of them.

Of Pineapples, Anchovies, and Snogging Harry Senseless

Mum screamed and threw a small tantrum, complete with stomping feet and hair pulling.

But then she stopped when the Fearsome Four changed their song into, "NINETY-NINE TANTRUMING GRANDMAS ON THE WALL! NINETY-NINE TANTRUMING GRANDMAS!"

She morphed into Super Mum, complete with purple cape and red spandex body suit with a giant gold "M" on the front.

Well, no, not really.

That would be weird.

But still, she was Super Mum.

She sweeped her wand across the room and yelled, "Scourgify!" All the spaghetti sauce disappeared. Of course, while everyone else was now spotless, I still had floo powder hair and coffee on my blouse. What else did you expect?

She then turned to the twerps and bellowed, "Silencio!" effectively shutting them up. They were now mouthing silently.

She straightened her apron, pushed back a few hairs that had escaped out of her bun, and cleared her throat, "Now," she said calmly, looking around at everyone, "As dinner has been ruined, and there is no possible way I am taking those," she jabbed her thumb at the twerps, who were still mouthing silently, "to any kind of restaurant, and I don't think they," she jabbed her thumb at a snogging Ron and Hermione, "are aware of the world around them, we will be ordering Muggle pizza. Harry, dear would you mind using the fellytone? I still haven't quite got the hang of it."

Harry nodded, and got up, "What does everyone want?"

The twerps began gesticulating wildly, apparently attempting to tell Harry what they wanted.

They then turned as one and looked pleadingly at Mum.

She sighed and took the silencing charm off them by muttering, "Finite."

They immediately screamed, "PINEAPPLES AND ANCHOVIES! PINEAPPLES AND ANCHOVIES!"

Ew.

Repulsive.

But understandable, I suppose. They are the progeny of Fred and George.

Harry stared at them, "Ew," he said simply, "That's disgusting. I'm not ordering it."

The Tetra-twerps launched themselves at Harry and hung off his arms and legs yelling, "PLEASE, UNCLE HARRY! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE…" etc., etc., etc.

"Alright!" Harry said. But the twins still hung on, begging, "ALRIGHT! I'LL ORDER THE BLOODY ANCHOVIES AND PINEAPPLE!" roared Harry, shaking them off and grabbing his head as he ducked out of the room to use the fellytone.

I smirked. It seemed his calm demeanor was finally dissolving.

Served him right. Him and his stupid good looks always distracting me, making me want to snog him until his brains fell out.

The twerps yelled, "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!" before military marching around the room bellowing "YAY…YAY…YAY, YAY, YAY!" (you know, the left…left…left, right, left, tune)

I stared at them for a moment and felt slightly mollified.

They were so very insane.

Perhaps more so than me.

And that was an accomplishment. And it made me feel better. I could now honestly say that I was the second most insane person in the universe (I'm counting the twerps as one entity. They might as well share the same brain, the way they're so similar).

I worried about them sometimes. But mostly, I just had a strong urge to shove them into the vanishing cabinet to be sent to Antarctica. They were smart kids, I was 85 percent sure they would survive.

And while they were fighting off the mutant penguins, I would get some peace and quiet.

Their screaming continued, and I decided I needed a potion for my headache.

So, I went into the pantry and rummaged around until I found a bottle labeled "Miss Whirlybang's Headache Solution." I took a very large swig from it. And just for safe measure, I took another large swig. Then I just drained half the bottle. It couldn't hurt, right?

Wrong.

It could most definitely hurt.

Unfortunately, it wasn't until after I took the swigs that I saw the label on the bottom of the bottle.

It went like this…

"Caution! If taken in excessive amounts, drinker may experience symptoms similar to those created by the large consumption of alcohol. This includes dizziness, slurred speech, and the inability to think before one talks."

In the words of Ron- bloody…effing…hell.

I was going to be acting drunk in front of Harry!

Oh sweet Merlin, this was bad.

This was very bad.

This was worse than the potato, goldfish, and butter dish incidents combined.

This was worse than pinapple and anchovie pizza.

Which was bad.

And it said it would cause, "the inability to think before one talks." That meant my mouth was even more out of control than normal.

Not good.

Very bad.

As I stared at the bottle, the words blurred together and went out of focus.

I took a deep breath, and carefully set it back on the counter, wobbling a bit.

"Oooooh, this should be good," said Butch from behind me.

"Ssshhhut i', pooty 'ead," I slurred. Goodness this stuff worked fast.

Butch smirked, "No, I don't think I will ssshhut i'."

I glared at one of him (there were three), and grabbed onto the wall to stop the world from spinning.

I stumbled out of the pantry, and fell into a chair at the table.

I figured if I just stayed in the chair and said nothing, no one would notice me, and I would therefore, not smush my nose to my face and scream, "Hey everybody, look! Nose hairs!" like I had the sudden urge to do.

Don't ask me why! Ask Miss Whirlybang, she's the one who was possessing me.

The Tetra-twerps were huddled at the other end of the kitchen table obviously planning something to pull on whatever poor soul delivered our pizza.

I was slightly horrified when I saw them because I now saw eight instead of only four. I was briefly tempted to scream, "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! IT"S THE END OF THE WORLD! THEY'RE REPRODUCING UNCONTROLLABLY!" but I reminded myself that the potion multiplied things, and calmed down slightly, managing to restrain myself.

Then there was a knock on the door.

Mum acted quickly. She poked her wand at the twerps and placed a sticking charm on their seats so they couldn't attack the pizza man.

Then she quickly walked to the door, opened it, grabbed the pizza, handed him the money, and slammed the door.

The Fearsome Four had all attempted to hop over to the door with their chairs, but they didn't get very far. Two of them ended up toppling over halfway across the room, and the other two couldn't aim their chairs in the right direction and had ended up entangled in one another.

Mum righted them all with a swipe of her wand and then screamed, "DINNER!" at the top of her lungs.

I winced, the exclamation was echoing around in my head. Now I knew how Ron felt with that bucket over his head. Who ever heard of making a headache potion that made your damn headache worse?

Then the house began to tremble as everyone ran into the kitchen and launched themselves at the pizza boxes.

I clamped my hands over my ears and dropped my head onto the table.

I felt someone sit beside me. I turned to look and saw 3 Harry's grinning at me.

"Headache?" he asked.

Whatever you do, don't say anything. Do NOT say ANYTHING!

I remembered not to talk and nodded my head, which made my brain slosh around…and my head feel like a rabid monkey was trying to burst out of it.

Harry chuckled and grabbed a piece of pizza.

I looked at the three boxes of pizza in front of me and concentrated hard on the middle one. I took aim, and reached my hand out towards the box.

Damn...missed. Stupid box wouldn't sit still.

I tried again, this time aiming to the one on the right.

Nope, not that one either.

I finally hit my mark when I aimed at the left one.

"SUCCESH!" I yelled, waving the pizza in the air like a maniac.

Everyone stared at me.

I quickly stuffed the pizza into my mouth before I could say, "MUHAHAHA! I am the champion of the pizza! Hear me roar! ROAR!" Because that's what the evil Miss Whirlybang in my brain wanted me to say.

Ha! Evil Woman! Take that! Not gonna make ME say anything I don't want to!

I snickered and went to take another bite of my pizza.

I missed and bit my hand instead.

"Ow!" I yelled, "Damn bloo'y pizsha! Shtay shtill, you shtupid peesh of cheesh!"

Harry was looking at me slightly concernedly, "Gin, are you alright?"

Luckily, the pizza was by then in my mouth, and I could only nod instead of blurt out what my mind was thinking. Which was something like…

"Peachy keen, Harry! I'm peachy keen! Mmmmm…isn't this pizza scrumptious? Are you scrumptious, Harry? You look scrumptious. Oh look! Bananas! How big is your banana, Harry?"

And that would not be a good thing to say. Especially with my entire family sitting at the table.

Harry looked at me funny and turned back to his food.

He set his elbow on the table as he ate.

Which reminded me…

"Hey 'arry! 'arry, guesh wha'? You wanna know? Heehee, 'arry, guesh wha', heehee."

He just looked at me, "What?"

"It's no' poshible oo lick your elbow! Didya know tha', 'arry? Didya know tha'?"

Harry frowned, "Yes, Gin, I knew that. Are you drunk?"

I was losing control by now.

I poked him in the chest and slurred, "Wha' exac'ly are you inshinuating, mishter?"

But then I wobbled slightly from leaning in towards Harry. He caught my arms and looked into my eyes.

I grinned, "LOOK INTO MY EEEYYYEEESSS!" I sang, "HAHAHAHA! Didgoo know tha' cowsh are the only animalsh tha' pee backwardsh?"

What the hell? Where did that come from?

"Seriously, Gin, are you drunk?" asked Harry.

I smiled goofily, "Nope. Itsh the Mish Shhhmeetlburgy's, er…Meeshlemangy's…no…"

"Whirlybang's?" asked Harry.

I pointed at him, "Thash it!" I exclaimed, "Thash the one! Good job 'arry! One 'undred points oo Gryffishlinder!"

All three if him were now spinning around, which made it very difficult for me to concentrate. One Harry was enough to distract me to the point of sticking my elbow in the butter dish, for Melin's sake!

" 'arry, you shilly goosh! Shtop moving abou' sho much! Ooooooooohhh, dizzy dizzy dizzy! Ring aroun' the roshy! Hey! You know wha'? I…love…EGGSH!"

"Gin, how much of Miss Whirlybang's did you drink?"

"Hmmmm…'alf o' bo'le, I bleev."

Harry's eyes widened, "Half a bottle?"

I thought hard for a minute. I was having trouble focusing on anything, "Yesh, bou' 'alf o' bo'le," I stated. Then I leaned closer and whispered, "Bu' between you n' me, I think itsh givin' me gash."

And that's when I lost all control of my body as well.

I looked at Harry and said, "You know wha' 'arry? Know wha'? I think tha' you," I jabbed him in the chest again, "are looking particarlilily…partctiousilishously…part-ic-uuu-lar-lilyy shcrumptioush today. And you know wha' elsh? I don' think I care if you shnog like a goldfishhh. Maybe goldfisshh are good shnoggersh. I think I should tesht that hippomothshush…hyposhomoshos…hy-poth-e-thish ou', don' you, 'arry?"

And with that I leapt onto his lap, grabbed his head, and snogged-him-bloody-senseless.

That is until I passed out and fell backwards, my head landing on the pineaplle and anchovie pizza.

This action was caused partly because I was drunk on headache potion.

Partly because I was oxygen deprived as my lips were locked to Harry's, and I didn't have the presence of mind to breathe.

And partly from absolute shock.

Cuz you know what?

Harry Potter, hottest hottie of all hotties, love of my life, savior of all, snogged me back.

And he was much better at it than a goldfish.