Originally this was also supposed to be a one-shot, but then I changed my mind. There is 2 more parts to this. Ummm Seth and Marissa, but this is Ryan...
Let me know what you think
Bek

Ryan

Ryan was scared, hell he wasn't scared anymore, he was freaked out. The whole Theresa/Baby/Chino had done it for him. He never wanted to go back to that life again, he'd had that life, began a brand new one and then gone back to the old one and he hated the old one even more after having a taste of the new one. It wasn't the money, actually the money had nothing to do with it, it was having the feeling of somebody loving you, somebody noticing if you weren't there, someone getting you in trouble if you did something bad or skipped school, somebody caring for you, no one in Chino or even Fresno had done that for him. But here in Newport, he had Seth, Sandy, Kirsten and in some ways Marissa and even in a little bit Summer.

The one thing he could count on if he was living with Sandy and Kirsten is that if he even dared to miss one period at school, they would find out and they would get him into trouble. And even thought that meant getting in trouble it also meant that somebody cared that he was skipping school and they didn't just brush him off.

It was the best feeling in the world, being loved and being happy. The two feelings combined were better then any drug. They somehow made the memories of his horrific childhood somewhat bearable as if he hadn't grown up like that, he might not ever have come to Newport and had Kirsten and Sandy in his life.

All his friends and all his 'family' in Newport cared for him. He knew even Marissa cared for him in her own way. Just the thought of Marissa made him sigh; he really didn't know what to do when it came to his relationship with her. He knew that she was angry and him, but he also knew that she was sad and really not happy. The one thing he also knew was that even though she sometimes had a really funny way of showing it, she did love him, and he was the first girlfriend that he had ever loved or felt the illusion of love with, he didn't know which one it was.

Sitting in the pool house, Ryan felt at home, at peace. This was where he belonged; he did have his whole life ahead of him. He hadn't felt at home the whole summer he was in Chino, he used to wake up in the morning dreading the day ahead. Here he would get up hating school as much as any normal teenager but still not dreading the day ahead, here he wasn't counting down the hours till he could go to sleep again. He knew people needed him here and that's where he was torn.

He knew it was probably the 'knight in shining armor' complex that Seth was always saying he was had, but he was really torn about where he should be and who he should be helping, it was the one thing that confused him. Should he be here in Newport being the silent supporter for Sandy, Seth, Kirsten and Marissa or should he be back in Chino with Theresa and her mom, helping them with the loss of the baby.

The baby, that's the bit that bought him to tears, not because Theresa had lost the baby, it was because he felt relieved, hell he felt happy when Theresa told him that she lost the baby and that wasn't the way you were supposed to feel. You were supposed to feel bad, unhappy and sad when you found out that a baby that was possibly yours had died so why did he feel relieved, he wasn't a bad person, but this was a bad thing.

Maybe that baby would have loved him, he would've been like the dad he never had, Ryan would have had the chance to give someone something he never had and maybe, jut maybe that baby would have loved him for it.

Not having someone love him, that was the thought that plagued Ryan Atwood's nightmares and it was the scariest thing he could ever imagine.