Title: Something New
Rating: PG-13 for themes and language
Characters: Marco, Spinner, Paige, Dylan, Ellie, Sean, Craig, Jimmy, Jay and his gang, and some others
Pairings: Marco/Dylan, Spinner/Paige, Ellie/Sean, not sure of any others.
Disclaimer: Not a thing belongs to me. How I wish, though.
Author's Note: Aha, I left you there at a minor cliffhanger. Well, that will continue later in this chapter. There are going to be two journal entries this time: one belonging to Ellie, and another of Marco's. We will see a developing in Ellie/Sean, and Marco may begin to think he's in over his head.
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[Journal entry 1]
Ellie Nash
I don't know what to write. I've never really had a journal before. Don't get me wrong, I love to write. I'm just not the "express your emotions" type of person. Well, I could talk about how I get judged by people because the way I dress. Or I could talk about how I pretended to be girlfriend to a gay guy that I was madly in love with for a year. Or I could talk about my dad being in Kabul and my mom being an alcoholic. But I wouldn't want this to be boring.
Marco and Ashley are my best friends.. At least I know that no matter what, they'll both be there for me. Well, until lately. They all have so much going on in their own lives - Ashley with Craig's situation, and Marco with Dylan . . . But even some people that you think you have all figured out can surprise you and show you an ounce of concern. Life seems so hard in your own point-of-view, but I don't have it the worst. Both of my parents are at least alive. I have a house, food, and clothes. But sometimes, pain is an ideal feeling, which Miss Suave says is wrong to think. I have to talk to her every day now. Besides, I got the co-op job so that makes me a lot happier.
I've also been hanging out with Sean Cameron lately. I know because he hangs out with Jay and people like him that everyone thinks he's all tough. But they don't take the time to get to know him and find out that he's actually really sweet. I hate labels, anyway. He's a great guy. We share a lot of interests. I really want to find out more about him. And he listens really well.
My dad is coming home on a two-week leave. This is the best news I've had in a long time. I can tell that my mom really misses him, and I do too. He's like the glue that holds our family together. Problem is, the glue's starting to peel and we're slowly falling apart. I think him coming home will help that, though. I'm so worried. And I hate worrying. Which is partly why I do the things I do.
I really don't like this journal assignment. But then again, no one cares how I feel, anyway. Fifteen minutes are up. I'm meeting Sean at the Dot anyway.
[/Journal]
Sighing loudly, Ellie stood up and glanced at the clock. It was a quarter 'til four, which was when her and Sean had arranged to meet. Without a backward glance, she emerged from her bedroom into the living room. Her mom was draped over the couch, watching the blaring television, a half-empty bottle of liquor swaying in her hands.
"Jesus, Mom, starting early?" she whispered to herself, starting to clean up the mess that littered the living room floor. One of the cuts on her right arm was particularly starting to sting, and she rubbed it gingerly.
"What's wrong with you?" her mom said not at all caringly, with a sideways look at Ellie. Her eyes traveled to her arm, which was concealed by the black cloth that ran over it.
"Nothing," she responded tonelessly, dumping the trash into the garbage can. "So, Dad's coming home in a couple of days, huh?" She should have at least received credit for trying to start up a semi-friendly conversation.
Her mom didn't reply, bloodshot gaze on the screen. Ellie took a shaky breath and continued, "Well, I'm going to meet a friend at the Dot. I won't be home too late." Still no response. "Okay. Bye." At that, she walked out the front door, leaning against it as soon as it was closed. Why do I even bother?
When she finally did arrive at the Dot, Sean was sitting on the curb patiently, headphones over his ears. She smiled at him as she approached, and standing, he grinned back.
"Hey," they each greeted the other in unison.
"What're you listening to?" she asked curiously, nodding at his headphones. He looked at them too and shrugged slightly.
"Just a mixed CD I put together a while back," he explained, and Ellie nodded again understandingly. "Want to listen?" He handed the headphones over and she appreciatively took them and put them over her ears. Bobbing her head to the rhythm, she took them off after a little.
"That's really cool."
"Yeah. So you want to go inside? I don't know about you but I am starving."
She laughed. "Yeah, I'm hungry too." In one motion, Sean grinned and snatched Ellie's right arm, putting pressure on the one scar that already hurt. She winced involuntarily and Sean stopped, concern clouding his face.
"Y-you okay?" he stuttered nervously. "I'm sorry - I didn't mean to - I mean, I didn't know -" She almost laughed at his alarm, and she probably would have if her arm didn't feel as if it were on fire.
"I'm fine," she assured him, forcing a smile. Her breathing was heavy but she tried her best to conceal it. She looked into his eyes and found it was hard to lie. "I - I cut myself the other day, and it just stings." Well, it wasn't a complete lie.
"Oh . . . well, I'm sorry again." He looked sheepish, and Ellie smiled at him genuinely again. That small gesture was getting harder and harder to do lately.
"It's fine."
"I'll pay for the food to make it up," Sean insisted, with a smile that Ellie found hard to say no to.
They entered the restaurant, sitting at a booth near the back. After they ordered, Sean looked at Ellie. "How's your mom doing?" Ellie was shocked that he remembered. One day when she had been specifically stressed, she had called him up and told him about the stress in her life. She'd purposely left out the cutting part, though. And for some reason, Sean had listened the entire time, only speaking when necessary.
"Uh . . . she's still drinking. But my dad's coming home soon, and she always acts normal when he's around so . . ." she shrugged.
He nodded, picking up a fry from the basket in between them and chewing thoughtfully. "And how are things with you?" she asked slowly, awkwardly. She knew about his situation with his parents and his brother, but she didn't want to say anything to offend him.
"Eh, you know. Tracker's still Tracker, and I'm still the badass kid who gets in tons of trouble and doesn't deserve anything good in life," he shrugged, as though it meant nothing to him at all. Ellie looked at him sadly and he cracked a grin. "Hey, who am I to complain?" he joked lightly.
Surveying him as she pushed her red hair away from her eyes, Ellie shrugged. "Maybe we should all get a chance to complain." A slight silence fell over the table, and Ellie quickly grabbed a fry and bit off the top of it, not making eye contact. After a little while of this uncomfortable silence, she took a deep breath and asked, "Why don't you hang out with Craig and Spinner and them anymore?"
"I don't know," he admitted. "Sometimes it just felt like they let me hang around because they pitied me. But with Jay it's not like that." She raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to continue. "He's actually a really cool guy. He gets me. Like you get me." They smiled at each other.
"You know, maybe you should come with me tomorrow to pick out some new tunes," Sean said, motioning to his CD player. "I mean, for a chick, you have got the best taste in music."
She gladly accepted the invitation, before she realized that his grin had faded and he was frowning at her arm. Following his gaze, she could see that her black arm stocking was sagging a bit, revealing a section of her pale skin. The slivers of two scars were visible on the patch of skin, and her cheeks went red.
"What -" Sean began suspiciously, searching her face.
Laughing meekly, she replied, "I told you already, I cut myself. On accident. It was no big deal." As if he didn't believe her, he nodded slightly. She looked down at the table, still blushing furiously.
"So, uh, I better get home and take care of my mom," she quickly excused herself, standing up.
"Right. We still on for tomorrow?" Sean asked, watching her closely. She nodded once, and quickly left the restaurant. All the while, Sean inspected her from behind.
-----
Worriedly, Marco glanced in between Jay and Dylan, who had now risen to his full height. Apparently he was attempting to intimidate the other, but Jay didn't back down.
"Did you get a kissy-wissy?" he continued to Marco, puckering his lips and making kissing sounds.
"Go away, Jay," Dylan warned venomously. Jay paid no heed as he continued harassing the two boys.
"Does Mommy know you're in the park with your boyfriend?" Jay grinned widely, and the two ignorant guys behind him laughed as if on cue.
"I mean it!" Dylan took a step towards them, but that only made the gang laugh harder.
"How cute! Homochuk is standing up for his little boyfriend. Isn't that so sweet, boys?" His groupies nodded and began making identical kissing noises as well. Marco stood then too, but rather than going towards them like Dylan, he took a giant step backwards. Dylan cocked his head slightly and gave him a look that said plainly, Now's your chance! Show 'em you're not scared!
But instead, thoughts of the night he was bashed flooded into his mind. He took another stumbling step backwards.
"Is the little queer scared of Big Bad Jay? Aww. Doesn't this just make me feel so bad?" Laughing, he stuck his lower lip out. Having had enough, Dylan took a large step in and raised his fist to hit him, but Marco grabbed his arm before he could.
"Come on, Dylan. Let's just - let's go." Almost dumbfounded, he lowered his arm and stared at Marco. Very slowly, though, he nodded and turned, after shooting an icy glare at Jay.
"Yeah, that's right," Jay laughed at their retreating backs. "Run away, fags."
Clenching his teeth, Dylan looked at Marco in wonderment, "I could have kicked their asses, Marco - I could have -"
"I know, Dylan, but that's not the point." Focusing his eyes on a certain patch of grass, Marco sighed. "I'm not like you. I could never stand up to them. M-maybe you could . . . teach me?" He glanced at Dylan uncertainly, and Dylan sighed.
"It's not really about teaching - I mean, it's just something that you've gotta do. It's, I don't know, subconscious or something."
"If it's any consolation, I do know that you could definitely kick their asses," Marco said with an uncomfortable smile. They slowly made their way back to the street, silent the entire time.
"You're not . . . embarrassed to be seen with me, are you?" Dylan asked slowly, and Marco gaped.
"Of course not!"
"Good," he replied with a smile. "So anyway, it's your turn to talk."
"Uhh . . . about what?"
"How did you know?"
"Uh . . ." He took that into consideration, staring off into space. Truth was, he'd thought about how he would answer the question millions of times. But his answers never seemed good enough. "I wish I had an answer as sure as yours," he admitted, laughing. "I guess . . . Ellie helped me realize it. And God, she was so great to me. But, um, I guess I've attracted to guys for a little while and never really realized it until . . ." His voice fell out slightly.
"Until?" Dylan pried subtly.
"Until I met you."
[Journal entry 2]
Marco del Rossi
Saying something out loud can change things a lot. For example, when I was five my mama got a horrible haircut. I always thought this in my head, but I never said it aloud. That is, until she asked me how her hair looked and I stared her straight in the eye and told her it looked like a skunk had died on top of her head. She now never asks my opinion on her looks, and tries to avoid me while doing her hair. And when I was thirteen, and a friend of mine asked if I thought she was good enough of a singer to try out for the musical. She sang to me, and I shook my head and told her there was no way. That even if she tried she wouldn't even be cast as the cow, who had no lines. Needless to say, our friendship fell apart. But when I told Dylan that he was the guy I had a crush on, that he was the one guy that I was actually attracted to, things really changed. Not for the worst, though, as they usually seem to. For the better.
He got a big smile on his face, and he told me that even though he was already out, I'd helped him find himself as well. I don't really understand what he meant by that, though. Oh well - I'm seeing a movie with him tomorrow. A date. Well, he didn't actually specify that it was a date - oh my god, what if it's not a date? What if he just wants to go as friends? How could I have forgotten this detail? Oh, well. I guess I'll figure it tomorrow.
I still haven't told my parents. And now, after Dylan told me how his parents reacted, I'm not sure I even ever want to. How do I explain to them that their youngest son, who they've been pestering for grandchildren, won't ever have kids? Actually, I think my mama still thinks Ellie is my girlfriend - every time Ellie's at the house, she always bakes cookies and acts really sweetly toward her.
I've thought about telling Carlos. I mean, he is my only brother and all. But I think I'm as scared of him as I was of those bashers? Not that I'd ever admit it, but I really do look up to Carlos. He can be a good older brother, when he's not being a pain in the butt.
Life was so much easier when I was straight. Or, when I thought I was straight. Dylan promised me he'd help me figure out a game plan to come clean to my family. I really appreciate all the help he gives me. I'm really glad that I have someone to talk to who knows what it's like.
Okay, wow. I wrote way more than needed. It's been a good twenty minutes. Anyway, until later I guess. Ciao.
[/Journal]
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I really appreciate any and all reviews I receive, and trust me, it's not hard. Just press that little button over there. I don't care if you tell me how absolutely dreadful it is, how much you love it, or how you think it's just "okay". But please, review.
Rating: PG-13 for themes and language
Characters: Marco, Spinner, Paige, Dylan, Ellie, Sean, Craig, Jimmy, Jay and his gang, and some others
Pairings: Marco/Dylan, Spinner/Paige, Ellie/Sean, not sure of any others.
Disclaimer: Not a thing belongs to me. How I wish, though.
Author's Note: Aha, I left you there at a minor cliffhanger. Well, that will continue later in this chapter. There are going to be two journal entries this time: one belonging to Ellie, and another of Marco's. We will see a developing in Ellie/Sean, and Marco may begin to think he's in over his head.
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[Journal entry 1]
Ellie Nash
I don't know what to write. I've never really had a journal before. Don't get me wrong, I love to write. I'm just not the "express your emotions" type of person. Well, I could talk about how I get judged by people because the way I dress. Or I could talk about how I pretended to be girlfriend to a gay guy that I was madly in love with for a year. Or I could talk about my dad being in Kabul and my mom being an alcoholic. But I wouldn't want this to be boring.
Marco and Ashley are my best friends.. At least I know that no matter what, they'll both be there for me. Well, until lately. They all have so much going on in their own lives - Ashley with Craig's situation, and Marco with Dylan . . . But even some people that you think you have all figured out can surprise you and show you an ounce of concern. Life seems so hard in your own point-of-view, but I don't have it the worst. Both of my parents are at least alive. I have a house, food, and clothes. But sometimes, pain is an ideal feeling, which Miss Suave says is wrong to think. I have to talk to her every day now. Besides, I got the co-op job so that makes me a lot happier.
I've also been hanging out with Sean Cameron lately. I know because he hangs out with Jay and people like him that everyone thinks he's all tough. But they don't take the time to get to know him and find out that he's actually really sweet. I hate labels, anyway. He's a great guy. We share a lot of interests. I really want to find out more about him. And he listens really well.
My dad is coming home on a two-week leave. This is the best news I've had in a long time. I can tell that my mom really misses him, and I do too. He's like the glue that holds our family together. Problem is, the glue's starting to peel and we're slowly falling apart. I think him coming home will help that, though. I'm so worried. And I hate worrying. Which is partly why I do the things I do.
I really don't like this journal assignment. But then again, no one cares how I feel, anyway. Fifteen minutes are up. I'm meeting Sean at the Dot anyway.
[/Journal]
Sighing loudly, Ellie stood up and glanced at the clock. It was a quarter 'til four, which was when her and Sean had arranged to meet. Without a backward glance, she emerged from her bedroom into the living room. Her mom was draped over the couch, watching the blaring television, a half-empty bottle of liquor swaying in her hands.
"Jesus, Mom, starting early?" she whispered to herself, starting to clean up the mess that littered the living room floor. One of the cuts on her right arm was particularly starting to sting, and she rubbed it gingerly.
"What's wrong with you?" her mom said not at all caringly, with a sideways look at Ellie. Her eyes traveled to her arm, which was concealed by the black cloth that ran over it.
"Nothing," she responded tonelessly, dumping the trash into the garbage can. "So, Dad's coming home in a couple of days, huh?" She should have at least received credit for trying to start up a semi-friendly conversation.
Her mom didn't reply, bloodshot gaze on the screen. Ellie took a shaky breath and continued, "Well, I'm going to meet a friend at the Dot. I won't be home too late." Still no response. "Okay. Bye." At that, she walked out the front door, leaning against it as soon as it was closed. Why do I even bother?
When she finally did arrive at the Dot, Sean was sitting on the curb patiently, headphones over his ears. She smiled at him as she approached, and standing, he grinned back.
"Hey," they each greeted the other in unison.
"What're you listening to?" she asked curiously, nodding at his headphones. He looked at them too and shrugged slightly.
"Just a mixed CD I put together a while back," he explained, and Ellie nodded again understandingly. "Want to listen?" He handed the headphones over and she appreciatively took them and put them over her ears. Bobbing her head to the rhythm, she took them off after a little.
"That's really cool."
"Yeah. So you want to go inside? I don't know about you but I am starving."
She laughed. "Yeah, I'm hungry too." In one motion, Sean grinned and snatched Ellie's right arm, putting pressure on the one scar that already hurt. She winced involuntarily and Sean stopped, concern clouding his face.
"Y-you okay?" he stuttered nervously. "I'm sorry - I didn't mean to - I mean, I didn't know -" She almost laughed at his alarm, and she probably would have if her arm didn't feel as if it were on fire.
"I'm fine," she assured him, forcing a smile. Her breathing was heavy but she tried her best to conceal it. She looked into his eyes and found it was hard to lie. "I - I cut myself the other day, and it just stings." Well, it wasn't a complete lie.
"Oh . . . well, I'm sorry again." He looked sheepish, and Ellie smiled at him genuinely again. That small gesture was getting harder and harder to do lately.
"It's fine."
"I'll pay for the food to make it up," Sean insisted, with a smile that Ellie found hard to say no to.
They entered the restaurant, sitting at a booth near the back. After they ordered, Sean looked at Ellie. "How's your mom doing?" Ellie was shocked that he remembered. One day when she had been specifically stressed, she had called him up and told him about the stress in her life. She'd purposely left out the cutting part, though. And for some reason, Sean had listened the entire time, only speaking when necessary.
"Uh . . . she's still drinking. But my dad's coming home soon, and she always acts normal when he's around so . . ." she shrugged.
He nodded, picking up a fry from the basket in between them and chewing thoughtfully. "And how are things with you?" she asked slowly, awkwardly. She knew about his situation with his parents and his brother, but she didn't want to say anything to offend him.
"Eh, you know. Tracker's still Tracker, and I'm still the badass kid who gets in tons of trouble and doesn't deserve anything good in life," he shrugged, as though it meant nothing to him at all. Ellie looked at him sadly and he cracked a grin. "Hey, who am I to complain?" he joked lightly.
Surveying him as she pushed her red hair away from her eyes, Ellie shrugged. "Maybe we should all get a chance to complain." A slight silence fell over the table, and Ellie quickly grabbed a fry and bit off the top of it, not making eye contact. After a little while of this uncomfortable silence, she took a deep breath and asked, "Why don't you hang out with Craig and Spinner and them anymore?"
"I don't know," he admitted. "Sometimes it just felt like they let me hang around because they pitied me. But with Jay it's not like that." She raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to continue. "He's actually a really cool guy. He gets me. Like you get me." They smiled at each other.
"You know, maybe you should come with me tomorrow to pick out some new tunes," Sean said, motioning to his CD player. "I mean, for a chick, you have got the best taste in music."
She gladly accepted the invitation, before she realized that his grin had faded and he was frowning at her arm. Following his gaze, she could see that her black arm stocking was sagging a bit, revealing a section of her pale skin. The slivers of two scars were visible on the patch of skin, and her cheeks went red.
"What -" Sean began suspiciously, searching her face.
Laughing meekly, she replied, "I told you already, I cut myself. On accident. It was no big deal." As if he didn't believe her, he nodded slightly. She looked down at the table, still blushing furiously.
"So, uh, I better get home and take care of my mom," she quickly excused herself, standing up.
"Right. We still on for tomorrow?" Sean asked, watching her closely. She nodded once, and quickly left the restaurant. All the while, Sean inspected her from behind.
-----
Worriedly, Marco glanced in between Jay and Dylan, who had now risen to his full height. Apparently he was attempting to intimidate the other, but Jay didn't back down.
"Did you get a kissy-wissy?" he continued to Marco, puckering his lips and making kissing sounds.
"Go away, Jay," Dylan warned venomously. Jay paid no heed as he continued harassing the two boys.
"Does Mommy know you're in the park with your boyfriend?" Jay grinned widely, and the two ignorant guys behind him laughed as if on cue.
"I mean it!" Dylan took a step towards them, but that only made the gang laugh harder.
"How cute! Homochuk is standing up for his little boyfriend. Isn't that so sweet, boys?" His groupies nodded and began making identical kissing noises as well. Marco stood then too, but rather than going towards them like Dylan, he took a giant step backwards. Dylan cocked his head slightly and gave him a look that said plainly, Now's your chance! Show 'em you're not scared!
But instead, thoughts of the night he was bashed flooded into his mind. He took another stumbling step backwards.
"Is the little queer scared of Big Bad Jay? Aww. Doesn't this just make me feel so bad?" Laughing, he stuck his lower lip out. Having had enough, Dylan took a large step in and raised his fist to hit him, but Marco grabbed his arm before he could.
"Come on, Dylan. Let's just - let's go." Almost dumbfounded, he lowered his arm and stared at Marco. Very slowly, though, he nodded and turned, after shooting an icy glare at Jay.
"Yeah, that's right," Jay laughed at their retreating backs. "Run away, fags."
Clenching his teeth, Dylan looked at Marco in wonderment, "I could have kicked their asses, Marco - I could have -"
"I know, Dylan, but that's not the point." Focusing his eyes on a certain patch of grass, Marco sighed. "I'm not like you. I could never stand up to them. M-maybe you could . . . teach me?" He glanced at Dylan uncertainly, and Dylan sighed.
"It's not really about teaching - I mean, it's just something that you've gotta do. It's, I don't know, subconscious or something."
"If it's any consolation, I do know that you could definitely kick their asses," Marco said with an uncomfortable smile. They slowly made their way back to the street, silent the entire time.
"You're not . . . embarrassed to be seen with me, are you?" Dylan asked slowly, and Marco gaped.
"Of course not!"
"Good," he replied with a smile. "So anyway, it's your turn to talk."
"Uhh . . . about what?"
"How did you know?"
"Uh . . ." He took that into consideration, staring off into space. Truth was, he'd thought about how he would answer the question millions of times. But his answers never seemed good enough. "I wish I had an answer as sure as yours," he admitted, laughing. "I guess . . . Ellie helped me realize it. And God, she was so great to me. But, um, I guess I've attracted to guys for a little while and never really realized it until . . ." His voice fell out slightly.
"Until?" Dylan pried subtly.
"Until I met you."
[Journal entry 2]
Marco del Rossi
Saying something out loud can change things a lot. For example, when I was five my mama got a horrible haircut. I always thought this in my head, but I never said it aloud. That is, until she asked me how her hair looked and I stared her straight in the eye and told her it looked like a skunk had died on top of her head. She now never asks my opinion on her looks, and tries to avoid me while doing her hair. And when I was thirteen, and a friend of mine asked if I thought she was good enough of a singer to try out for the musical. She sang to me, and I shook my head and told her there was no way. That even if she tried she wouldn't even be cast as the cow, who had no lines. Needless to say, our friendship fell apart. But when I told Dylan that he was the guy I had a crush on, that he was the one guy that I was actually attracted to, things really changed. Not for the worst, though, as they usually seem to. For the better.
He got a big smile on his face, and he told me that even though he was already out, I'd helped him find himself as well. I don't really understand what he meant by that, though. Oh well - I'm seeing a movie with him tomorrow. A date. Well, he didn't actually specify that it was a date - oh my god, what if it's not a date? What if he just wants to go as friends? How could I have forgotten this detail? Oh, well. I guess I'll figure it tomorrow.
I still haven't told my parents. And now, after Dylan told me how his parents reacted, I'm not sure I even ever want to. How do I explain to them that their youngest son, who they've been pestering for grandchildren, won't ever have kids? Actually, I think my mama still thinks Ellie is my girlfriend - every time Ellie's at the house, she always bakes cookies and acts really sweetly toward her.
I've thought about telling Carlos. I mean, he is my only brother and all. But I think I'm as scared of him as I was of those bashers? Not that I'd ever admit it, but I really do look up to Carlos. He can be a good older brother, when he's not being a pain in the butt.
Life was so much easier when I was straight. Or, when I thought I was straight. Dylan promised me he'd help me figure out a game plan to come clean to my family. I really appreciate all the help he gives me. I'm really glad that I have someone to talk to who knows what it's like.
Okay, wow. I wrote way more than needed. It's been a good twenty minutes. Anyway, until later I guess. Ciao.
[/Journal]
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I really appreciate any and all reviews I receive, and trust me, it's not hard. Just press that little button over there. I don't care if you tell me how absolutely dreadful it is, how much you love it, or how you think it's just "okay". But please, review.
