"And that's what happened…" Nate finished. Squib sat silently, taking everything in.
"So, then…"
"It wasn't her fault," Nate clarified, "she had nothing to do with it."
"Okay," Squib said slowly, still thinking.
"So…are you gonna…hit me now or something?" Nate looks slightly fearful.
"No," Squib told him, "I should, but I won't. I have to go find Cody."
"Okay, thanks," Nate said as the two stood up and walked out the door. Just before they parted ways, Squib spoke.
"One more thing,"
"Sure,"
"Why are you doing this?" Squib asked.
"I'm never gonna be with Cody, I know that now. But she likes you, I mean really likes you. And I don't want to ruin that," Nate explained. Squib simply nodded and headed towards the Myers' residence.
"Come in," Cody called when she heard a knock on the door, not looking up from her science homework.
"Hey," Squib said quietly, stepping inside.
"Oh…hi," Cody stumbled awkwardly.
"We need to talk," Squib said.
"Okay," Cody wondered if he wanted her to start.
"So, I saw Nate today," apparently he didn't, "and we talked."
"You talked? To Nate?"
"Yeah," Squib confirmed, "To Nate. And he explained everything to me; what really happened."
"I see…" Cody said slowly.
"So, I know this whole thing has just been one big mess. But now that I know the truth, we can just go back to the way things were, right?" Squib asked, a small smile on his face.
Cody looked like she was about to speak, but then paused, "No," said quietly, sounding almost surprised with her answer.
"No?" Squib repeated softly.
"No," she said, stronger this time.
"Uh…why?" Squib stuttered.
"Because you didn't believe me," she looked up, making eye contact with him for the first time, "I mean, Nate, the guy you despise, talked to you and you believed him. But when I tried everything in my power to convince you, you just called me a liar and told me to leave. I was your girlfriend, you're supposed to trust me."
"But I do trust you, Cody," he insisted.
"Yeah, now that you've heard the story from someone else,"
"Cody," Squib's voice started to shake with either hurt or desperation or maybe both, Cody couldn't tell, "I do trust you, I do."
"Squib," she said gently, "No, you don't. Maybe you like to think you do, but you don't. I mean, you never talk to me about anything that really matters to you; you're so closed off. And you always assume that I'm just going to get up and leave…" She looked to the ground again, and walked out silently. Squib wondered where she was going, especially since they were in her house. A few minutes later, he, too, left.
Cody sat quietly under the bleachers, thankful that there wasn't a match going on. What had she done? She cared for Squib, she really did. Sometimes she even thought she could love him. But the whole ordeal with Nate had made her see the truth: he didn't trust her. She knew, deep down, that she wasn't much better. He knew almost less about her past than she did his. But at least she was willing to try and have a relationship that consisted of them, and not just their lives at Cascadia. But Squib…
Squib stared at his ceiling. He screwed up, and he knew it. He just couldn't help it though. He didn't talk; that was just the way he was. He wanted to be able to tell Cody about himself; about his past. But he just couldn't. It wasn't like she was an open book either, though. He knew next to nothing about her life before Cascadia. But at least he knew she tried. He could see it in those moments when they were lying together on her couch late Friday night when her dad was out, or when she'd meet him after a match and it would be just the two of them walking back to the school. She would say something personal, totally random and unrelated to whatever conversation they were having, but something personal about herself. And he could see it in her eyes in those moments, how badly she wanted him to know something, anything, everything about her. It was her way of trying to open up to him, and he appreciated it. But he had never returned the favor, he realized. There was the odd comment he'd make about his father, although those were usually sarcastic and angry. There were the occasional times when he talked about Ryan; he wondered if she knew she was the only person he had ever really expressed his feelings about his brother to. Squib pulled himself up and headed for the door; it was time he let her know.
Cody looked up when she heard approaching footsteps and was surprised to see Squib sitting down beside her.
"Squib, I said…"
"My father forgot my last birthday," Squib cut her off, "that's why I was so upset that day. When I was four years old, my mother forgot me at the mall. I never knew how to hit, and I only learned this year, from Tannis. My brother and I used to camp out in the backyard, but I'd always end up dragging him inside because I was too scared,"
"Squib, what are you…"
"I lied, I really don't mind Moulin Rouge all that much," he continued, his gaze fixed on the ground, "my favorite book it Stephen King's It because, yes, contrary to popular belief, I can read and do enjoy it sometimes," Cody cracked a small smile, "my favorite player is Anna Kournikova but not just because she's extremely hot, although maybe that's not the thing I should be saying to you right now, but she's actually pretty talented. And hot," Cody giggled quietly at his words.
"When Ryan died, I stayed in my room and cried for three days straight," Squib's eyes were closed now, "I got into all this stuff after, stuff you probably don't want to know about but can imagine anyways. And no matter how hard I try, I don't think I'll ever be able to take tennis as seriously as everyone else says I should; not after Ryan. When he first died, I swore I'd never play ever again, but eventually I realized that was just jeopardizing my future, and that's not what Ryan would have wanted…"
"Squib," said Cody, knowing how hard it was for him to talk about his brother, "you don't have to…
"Yes, I do," he said forcefully, finally looking up at her. His gaze was intense, not nearly as playful and joking as she was used to, "I want you to know these things. I want you to know me, the good as well as the bad." He opened his mouth to speak again, but to his surprise, Cody placed a small kiss on his lips. He quickly composed himself and kissed him back.
"This isn't going to be easy," she said when she pulled away. He knew exactly what she was talking about.
"I know," he said assuredly, "but I'd rather it be hard than there be nothing at all." She nodded.
"We'll have to take this slow," she continued.
"I know that, too. There's no way we can just be totally open with each other in a day, but I'm going to try. Hard. You'll have to try too, though."
She nodded again and leaned in to kiss him once more. Squib wondered why it felt like a first kiss, slow and innocent and slightly questioning, rather than the thousandth that it probably was.
"So," she said when she pulled away a second time, "you like Moulin Rouge?"
"You know, part of this trust thing means you not repeating this stuff to another living soul," he smirked.
"I never really pegged you for the musical type…" she continued joking, ignoring his comment, with her head resting on his shoulder.
She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough
I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved
By a hand that's touched me, well I feel like something's
Gonna give
And I'm a little bit angry, well
This ain't over, no not here, not while I still need you
Around
You don't owe me, we might change
Yeah we just might feel good
I wanna push you around, I will, I will
I wanna push you down, I will, I will
I wanna take you for granted, I wanna take you for granted
I will
She said I don't know why you ever would lie to me
Like I'm a little untrusting when I think that the truth is
Gonna hurt ya
And I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me
You couldn't stand to be near me
When my face don't seem to want to shine
Cuz it's a little bit dirty well
Don't just stand there, say nice things to me
I've been cheated I've been wronged, and you
You don't know me, I can't change
I won't do anything at all
I wanna push you around, I will, I will
I wanna push you down, I will, I will
I wanna take you for granted, I wanna take you for granted
I will
Oh but don't bowl me over
Just wait a minute well it kinda fell apart, things get so
Crazy, crazy
Don't rush this baby, don't rush this baby
I wanna push you around, I will, I will
I wanna push you down, I will, I will
I wanna take you for granted, I wanna take you for granted
I will
-Matchbox20 'Push'
