Notes and Warnings:
Yaoi. Duh. If you know who Subaru and Seishirou are, you'll know that they're yaoific. If you don't, trust me. It's cannon. .

Also, this is muchly AU. You may even think that Subaru is OOC. He is, mildly. But all I've done is given him a spine.

This was originally a songfic, changed to adhere to new (even more annoyingly restrictive) rules and can be found in its original form on http/ It's an album-fic for Poe's Haunted. Because it fits Subaru, damnit. Or at least my ideal of Subaru. This is a fic in which Subaru isn't broken by Seishirou. Or... rather, he is. But damnit, he -does- something about that. It's about his reclaiming himself. It's about a different type of self-destruction than he indulges in during X.

This is all written because Subaru is a badass, yo.

Haunted - Chapter 1 - Haunted

People ask me why I am who I am. It's obvious to anyone who spends time with me that I'm not quite-whole. Maybe not even sane. No one dares to actually say that, but I'm pretty sure that's what they're thinking. I assure you, however, that I'm perfectly sane. I'm just hurting. I'm always hurting.

I've had a long time to think about it. A long time alone, to angst and rage and scream. And I still am. Sometimes I wonder when I'll stop. If I'll stop. God knows, I've tried in every way imaginable to get over it.

Being like this... It sickens me, how weak I let myself be. I hate the fact that I still call for him in my dreams. That I still see him there, smiling as he breaks me. I wake up sometimes, hot and sticky, my throat dry and hoarse from screaming for him.

Everyone knows a little bit, of course. The official story is that my twin sister disappeared - presumed kidnapped and murdered by some unknown psychopath. The family couldn't reveal the details of her death, of course. The story is vague enough to be uncontestable, plausible.

There are, of course, those few that know the truth of her disappearance. Because of that, they think they have it all nailed down. They know that my sister was killed by Sakurazuka Seishirou; the Sakurazukamori. The one person who could be considered my natural enemy. I suppose they think I hate him. They assume that I'm trying to avenge my sister at very least.

They're wrong, of course. It's all so much more complicated than that.

Those people who think they have me all figured out don't know everything, or even close to it. Sure they know the truth of how my sister died, but they really don't know why she died. And that's really the important part. She, after all, went to her murder with eyes open. She chose her death. She chose to save me. I'll never really forgive her for that, though I understand it. I would have done the same if our situations had been reversed.

Of course, I generally never feel like enlightening those who don't know this. Sue me, it's really none of their business. And it's rather... embarrassing. Should I really tell them that she let him murder her because she still hoped that we could love each other without destroying each other? Or that I'm still obsessed with the man who killed my sister and destroyed my life to the point of being truly unable to kill him?

Here, now, to you-- I suppose it's the only time I could really tell this story in it's entirety and have it understood. Perhaps you're the only other person in the world who has a chance of really understanding it. We're so alike sometimes that it scares me.

Being a Dragon of Heaven has been so hard. To care for others above myself, above him, when I never felt it.

But then, it doesn't matter what I feel so much as what I do, does it?

I suppose that's why I lost the bet. Maybe if I had been able to demonstrate my feelings as well as he did. Maybe if I could - just once - say those words back. Kiss him. Hold his hand without embarrassment. Hell, even respond to his seduction attempts. He left everything up to me, and I know he could have forced it, forced me without me even realizing it. Instead, he let me make my own decisions. I respect that, I do. But I could never initiate things with him. Even when we were alone, I was too embarrassed and afraid.

Honestly, I can't blame him for how things turned out. How could he feel anything for me when I couldn't return those feelings? How could he love such a child?

Of course, I don't share my story with just anyone. I'm telling you, right now, because you need to hear it. You need to know who I am and why. It's hard, opening myself to you. To anyone, now. I've always had trouble with really talking to people, and since I lost her, I've never had anyone I was that comfortable enough with.

Maybe I could have been that close to him, given time. But back then, it was impossible. I was dealing with too much, more than any teenager should have to. Fulfilling my duties as Sumeragi clan head, dealing with my sister, trying to pass my classes. And struggling, of course, with my feelings for Seishirou-san. Back then, they seemed so... wrong. Perverted.

I know better now, of course. But then, every time I saw him, my mouth went dry and I wanted him to hold me and I wanted to run far, far away.

Now when I see him, it's not much different. It's more complex, granted. There's rage and fear and pain and lust and love and a hundred different things I can't name, but in the end, the effects on me are relatively the same. He capitalizes on that, of course. He likes to remind me of the past, to make me into that child that I was.

I envy him, you know. He doesn't possess this weakness. His feelings - if he does indeed have them - don't cripple him like they do me. Some days, I feel like I have no emotions left. Like I've killed them all, turning them off one by one - completing the process he started for me.

I'm not sure why I'm telling you all this. I'm sure you don't care. You never have, not really. But who knows? Tonight, I'll make a bet of my own.
... Will you listen to my story, Seishirou-san?