Title: Maybe, Just Maybe
Disclaimer: Please don't sue. The characters I created are mine. So steal my idea, or 'borrow' without my permission, and I will be the one to sue. Other characters remain...not mine. Otherwise, all the characters remain Joss Whedon's and 20th Century Fox
Pairings:Buffy/Faith
Feedback: Always
Rating: R
Note: Again I'm really sorry to everyone who's still looking out for this fic, I've been so busy with other things, I haven't had a lot of time. Thanks for the reviews, please keep commenting! Here's Chapter 19.
Chapter 19
I sighed heavily as I put the stake down upon the table, having been rolling it back and forth my hands as I stood at my desk, looking out of my window. Every apocalypse I'd seen had not scared me. At least not this much that I actually considered running.
Faith was right. It was about channelling that fear, and that's why I never run scared. But this time, something was way different.
I assumed everyone else was sleeping; the house was silent. The moonlight shone into the room, casting a pastel blue across it. I peered over my shoulder at Faith. She could sleep through an apocalypse. Wouldn't surprise me if she already had done.
She looked so beautiful sleeping. So peaceful that every time I saw her I wondered what the hell it was that she was dreaming about.
I picked up the paddle brush on my desk, meaning to run it through my hair a couple of times, but it seemed I had broken it into many pieces as I lifted it. Seemed to be my thing. Clenching, holding on to things, when I was anxious, or scared.
I realised not too long after that I had been clenching and unclenching my jaw, and as I stepped away from my table, and headed for the door, I continued to. I couldn't get rid of this anxiety. There was no way I was going to sleep now.
So I headed for the basement. Training. It would only help.
I took a deep breath as I pulled the black cloth around my eyes and tied it into a knot. I stretched out my arms and legs a few minutes before beginning.
The presence was always there with me. The connection. She could be miles away, sleeping, unconscious, and that connection was with me. Sparring with me…I make it sound as if I want to fight her, but that isn't what I mean. I just mean…she's always here with me. Even if she's not. I know that probably doesn't make any sense, but…I can always feel her presence.
I could feel it even before she arrived in Sunnydale.
I began my routine, sparring with the air as it seemed in a tai-chi like fashion, my movements timed, my breathing in-sync with my movements. I didn't need my sight. And I decided once again that I didn't need it.
I could see without my eyes. It was like, light. But all different colours. Energies that would change colour according to their goodness. I'm not saying every demon I'd confronted had a black energy surrounding them, but I could just tell. Like…the energy comforted me. And this was why I was never worried by that constant presence I felt. Faith's presence.
I could feel my tears beginning to dampen the blindfold taking away my eyesight, though I continued. I have no idea how long I'd been training, going through these routines, but I cried. Openly. I sniffled and let the tears that didn't get absorbed by the cloth fall, and I wailed. Not uncontrollably, but enough.
The fear. I couldn't get rid of it. I'd been trying. Trying to dispel it through training, through the motions, use it to focus. But I just couldn't. It kept getting tougher and tougher. Like a vampire that couldn't be staked. Like an evil that consumed the entire human race, and spread, like a virus that couldn't be cured.
Like a dark cloud that grew inside of the light.
And it made me cry. Instead of feeling better, I was getting worse. And I knew that no matter how many hours I was doing this for, it wouldn't go away. There would always be that fear.
Even if I could feel Faith's presence. Even if she would lead me and take care of me. I couldn't stop being afraid.
Afraid of losing.
My motions began to slow until eventually I had sunk to the floor, my legs given up beneath me, my form tiring out on me. I ripped the blindfold from my head and threw it. Damn this stupid fear. There had to be a way I could do this without fear beating the crap out of my nervous system. It was just a matter of me finding it.
I climbed the stairs to the next floor, and approached the lounge, now realising just how much crying made your eyes sting. I rubbed them slightly as I headed through to the lounge and towards a boxful of books, when I heard a short, very high-pitched screeching sound. I spun on my heels, sure it had come from behind me, in the direction of the dining room. I didn't see anything. I didn't hear any shuffles and nothing seemed out of place. I continued towards the books, and began shuffling through some, trying to find a book about spells. Anything. I just needed one spell. To get rid of fear.
After tossing half of the books onto the couch, I came across a very small, very worn red book entitled "Witchcraft." Fantastic.
I pushed the books on the couch to one side and sat down, beginning to flick through the book as I did. Most of the books we researched from had around ten-thousand or so pages each, but this one was quite small. I came across a spell soon enough and it was exactly what I was looking for. I just had to light a candle, get some salt, and sprinkle it around the candle as I chanted a few words.
And so I got the candle, I got the salt and I began. 'Hear these words, hear this rhyme, alleviate fear, in space and time. Within this place, the haunted space, alleviate fear, remove the trace. Remove it from within, dispel it far from me, this is my will, so mote it be.' I whispered the words a couple more times, unaware of the energy dispelling from me. Though when I looked back to the book, I noticed a white light dispelling from me. Pulling itself, draining, almost.
I looked back at the book, and read the next words aloud. 'By the time this candle is burned through, the fear I hold shall be perished, and I shall be a fearless soul. This is my will, so mote it be.'
I looked at the flame as it grew, and shone, and I smiled, feeling…weightless. I heard that screeching once again, and spun round as before, closing the book with the one hand I was holding it in. I headed towards the noise, sure it was coming from the other side of the house.
But nothing could prepare me for the image I was about to see before me, as I entered the kitchen. That Erachnii, piercing my eyes with it's own, it's mouth as intimidating as it had been before. I looked at it, examining its form, thinking of ways to kill it. Though when I reached for it; flash, I was in my room.
What?
I looked at my surroundings, just trying to make sure I was actually in my bedroom.
I frowned, standing still, confused. I hadn't understood what had just happened.
Even so.
I headed for the bed, seeing the still peaceful beauty underneath my covers. Beautiful as she always is, she still hogs the bed. It didn't matter though. I laid upon the bed, and as carefully as I could, I wrapped an arm around her.
- - -
'Buffy?' Giles waved a hand in front of my eyes, holding my shoulder as I sat in a dining room chair.
He called again, and after taking off his glasses, moved closer to my eyes and squinted. Then he placed his glasses upon the table, and moved his hands towards one side of my face, and clapped, slowly, repeatedly.
His frown deepened as he reached for his glasses and continued to examine my form.
It wasn't until Angel arrived that Giles said anything else. 'Angel,' he called, as Angel snaked round the walls trying not to get in sunlight's way. 'Look,' he instructed, pointing towards my catatonic form.
Giles moved away and Angel replaced his position. He bent down and looked up at my eyes. He stood up, and without admonition, backhanded me. I landed on the floor, with a thud, and made an "oomph" sound.
My heartbeat raced, as I realised I was on the floor of my bedroom, having no idea how I'd gotten there. I frowned, my palms both flat on the floor, my body sprawled out. And as I got up and looked around, I saw Faith's still sleeping form. I headed downstairs, immediately going for the lounge, just to check that candle had completely burnt out. And when I entered the dining room, I gasped.
'How did you find her?' Angel asked, his voice sombre as it always was. He was sitting me down in my chair once again.
Wait, back up. I was looking at myself, being sat down in a chair, looking completely spaced. Like a dummy. Was I dead?
'Lying on the kitchen floor, as if she was sleeping, but when I picked her up and sat her down on the chair I noticed her eyes were like this and she had no limb control at all. As if she was unconscious with her eyes open.'
'And now she's catatonic,' Angel concluded, beginning to pace back and forth the shadowed part of the room. 'Think it's supernatural?'
Giles showed no sign that he was about to answer, though when he did, his answer was not certain. 'Could be. I have no idea.'
'I'm here, you guys,' I began, expecting for them to turn around and see me. But no.
This was strange. I couldn't be dead. Not today. Tomorrow, maybe. But…not now…
I hadn't realised Willow was on the case when she walked through from the lounge to the dining room, and straight past me…"active" me. I hadn't seen her. She was looking at a book. No…actually she was looking at that book. The one I'd used last night.
'I know what it is,' Willow told them straight away. 'It's a "Fearless" spell. She used it to get rid of her inner fear. And now…'
'She's living inside her head?' Angel asked, reaching for the book.
'Probably.'
'It backfired…' Giles muttered, looking at my still catatonic form.
'I don't think it did. See, the spell searches for specifics. And if it's not what she wanted…tough. It takes it anyway. Either that or the fear she tried to get rid of is out wandering the streets whilst her mind is filling with nothing but…nothing. Sometimes performing spells like this actually cause the magic to take more than what you ask. Maybe because she's so scared, the fear inside of her…is the inside of her. So she's dispelled her soul from her own body.'
'So it's like she's dead?'
Willow was silent a moment. 'I don't like to see it that way.'
Giles sighed as he took the book from Angel and began to read. 'I agree. It's not necessarily that she died and her soul cannot rest. It's more…a sort of…astral projection. Only she didn't leave her body willingly.'
'She asked for the deities to remove what she wanted gone and they took what it is she wanted out.' Willow sighed. 'She must be pretty scared for it to push out her entire subconscious.'
I stood back, watching all of this. How could I be so stupid? Now they had to waste time getting me back inside of my own body rather than focussing on tonight. 'I'm so dumb,' I muttered and sat down at another dining chair.
Willow furrowed her eyebrows and looked around. 'You guys just hear that?' she said, her tone high pitched, as if she had been caught off-guard.
Angel and Giles looked at her blankly. So…no.
'She's in this room,' Willow began, pointing towards the floor. She began moving around, outstretching a hand, trying to "feel" her way around.
I watched her with a raised eyebrow and my chin in my upturned palm, leaning on the table. 'I'm here, Willow,' I said and she moved faster.
'She's talking to me,' Willow continued, and Giles looked at the…non-active me, and then at Willow.
'How do you know she actually did the spell, Will?' Angel asked gently.
'Because I saw the burnt out candle and the salt sprinkles on the table in the lounge. And could you…shh, I need to concentrate a bit,' she told him.
I sighed and got up, headed for my body, and sat in it. And next thing I knew I was upon the floor again. I looked up at the bodies staring down at me, and made a face. "Er…oops?"
- - -
'So you don't feel scared?' Willow asked me as she tore a few herbs apart and dropped them into the boiling pan on the cooker. I crushed some ingredients with the mortar and pestle and as she stirred, I crushed.
'Yeah, I really do. Like…beyond my wits. I thought the spell might, you know…help me.'
'Yeah, well…it's a good thing the spell was simple. You might not have been able to get back into your body as easily as you did if it were more complex. Some spells can actually require the help of a witch to anchor you back into your body. And sometimes that doesn't even work.'
I shrugged. 'I was just…so scared. I couldn't do anything. I mean…Faith told me to channel it into my fighting and I just…can't.'
Willow sideways glanced at me and hummed. 'Don't do it again.'
I scoffed. 'Says you?'
Willow stopped stirring the ingredients, and turned to me. 'Okay, I don't know what that's supposed to mean, but I just want you to know that meddling with the magics is dangerous. Okay, so perhaps some stuff is pretty much straightforward, but if you don't know what you're getting yourself into, then you could be falling into a bottomless pit. You can't just expect for others to fix things whenever you mess up, Buffy. I realise you're scared, but meddling with magic is the LAST thing you should be doing. For one it drains you, and secondly it's dangerous.'
I raised an eyebrow. 'Yet when I try to tell you that about slaying you keep trying to get into it.'
'Buffy I need to learn to fight for a reason. Because I'm part of this circle and we all have to fight. Physically. Okay, so I can perform a few magic tricks and summon elements but that won't protect me when a demon comes running at me with an axe. They are two completely different things.' She turned back to her pan. 'And you're being selfish.'
I raised my eyebrows and my jaw dropped. 'I'M being selfish?'
'Yeah.' She put down the spoon again. 'You tell me I can't go slaying with Faith-'
'I never said that; that wasn't my decision,' I said, trying to defend myself.
'You didn't have to say anything, Buffy, your eyes are an open book.'
I scoffed. 'So you're saying I'm being selfish when I try to protect you? Will, I didn't want you fighting with her because-'
'Because what, Buffy? Because she's reckless? Hell knows, everyone needs to bend the rules a little all the time – except for when it's magic – but you treat me as if I should just do things because you tell me to! Like…I'm your…sidekick. And whenever YOU get in trouble we all have to put ourselves on the line to help you, when you could have prevented it in the first place!' By this time she sounded pretty pent up, but not as much as me.
'What? So when I saved your life I was actually putting it on the line?'
'That's not what I mean, Buffy, you're missing the point-'
'No, I'm getting it. Loud and clear. I'm the reckless one. The selfish one because I'm only thinking about the safety of myself; no one else.' I pushed the stupid pestle and mortar away and headed out of the back door, whilst Willow's eyes followed me out. She sighed and leant against the counter.
'We don't need this,' she muttered to herself, watching the door.
- - -
'I tried not to NOT sleep,' Faith told him as she brushed her hair. Angel stood in the doorway, once again, trying not to expose himself to sunrays.
'So you're well rested,' he concluded.
'Mmm-hmm. Although I reckon I would've slept a little better knowing B was too. She didn't come to bed at all.'
Angel nodded. 'I think she was occupied with…other…activities.' He smirked as he watched her.
Faith eyed him as she pulled her hair up, a tie-back between her teeth. 'Try not to sound so suspicious next time and I'll believe that you two didn't get up to anything.'
He chuckled and shook his head. 'Nah, she'd never do that to you.'
If Faith didn't look so "deer caught in headlights" he might've been able to pretend he'd never said anything. She paused, then chuckled nervously and shifted from one foot to another, deciding to re-do her hair, just to keep herself occupied. 'What?' And also, if it wasn't for the high-pitched "I don't know what you're talking about" tone, he might've pretended he hadn't said anything.
He didn't reply, just smiled at her, warmly. She tidied up the loose strands of hair and looked at him, her motions dying down as she realised he really did know about them.
'It must be the best, huh,' he continued eventually, shifting his weight onto his other foot.
She crossed the room and sat down on the bed, looking at the space before her. 'It…' she began. Her lips formed a comforting smile as she thought about what she was going to say next. 'Yeah,' she told him as she nodded to herself. She shuffled around on the bed a little more. 'I never knew…' she furrowed her eyebrows a little as she thought more about her words. 'I never knew I could feel this way. About…about anyone. I know it's her and everything, but she's just…so much different. Than anyone, anything I've ever known. And this feeling…even though it's eating me…it makes me feel…' She thought more about the words she wanted to say next. 'It makes me feel full.'
Angel nodded too, blinking indolently. And he watched her expression for a waited while before speaking. 'That's how I feel too.'
'Feel?' she caught. She raised an eyebrow. 'You still love her?'
Angel hesitated.
'It's okay, I'm not gonna get all territorial and possessive,' she told him, her tone inviting.
He smiled coyly and moved into the room, taking note at where in the room the shadows were. 'I feel like it every time I see her. As if she's what…satisfies me. In the most un-perverted way…' Faith chuckled at his comment.
'But I could feel how she felt for you, that time in the library, the dining room. When you got lost…I mean it's obvious you two are in love.' Throughout this, Faith had begun to smile once again, just grasping his words.
She nodded slow and gazed into his eyes. 'She's the only person I've ever loved.'
'It feels weird for the first time, doesn't it,' he added, using a hand gesture to describe.
She nodded a little. 'Weird…but wicked wonderful. And it's not even about the "hungry and horny" vibe I get with her; just…this presence. And I seem to get it, all the time. And I know it's not because I'm in this house. Just…all the time, I feel as if she's with me…and it…it's…it's freakin' awesome.' It seemed she was confirming all of these things for the sake of herself rather than Angel, and as her eyes searched the floor in front of her, she spoke.
Willow approached Faith's room, hearing the two conversing as she neared.
'I mean sometimes we'll make love and it's not just…sex, y'know? It's not about the mind-blowing orgasms, or the way it's done, its…'
'Binding,' Angel concluded, nodding simultaneously.
Outside the door Willow listened. Her eyebrows furrowed and she pressed a hand against the wall, just to lean in a little.
She moved a leg up onto the bed, folding it beneath her. 'Sometimes I wake up feeling depressed as fucking hell, but knowing that she's there to take me through the day chases away all that pain. Straight away.'
- - -
I don't know why I was so pissed off. It wasn't like I didn't deserve that harsh, depressing…knife-jabbing tell-off. But I felt so…I felt as if I was right. I was right. I wasn't being selfish. I was trying to help. If I was fearless I'd be able to do this tonight, no problems attached.
I crossed the road and folded my arms across my chest, watching the various cars waiting at junctions, and the people, going about their own daily activities. They had NO idea. None. Tonight we could fail. And the whole world would be a piece of mouldy toast. The weight of the world rested on my shoulders. Because I was the Slayer.
I never really saw Faith as THE Slayer. I saw myself as THE Slayer, and Faith as the other Slayer. Not particularly needed, but there. Not like a fifth wheel. But if I didn't get dead that time, then Kendra wouldn't have been called, nor Faith. I'd never have met her…
Thank god I DID die. So now we're THE Slayers. Thank God.
But that's not the point. Willow told me off. And it upset me.
I ended up walking around for a few hours, wandering aimlessly around streets and parks and cemeteries. I headed back to the house, figuring I should get over that stupid row and get on with finalising prep for tonight's ritual.
- - -
'You ARE joking, right?' Angel said, making note to emphasise the last three words of his sentence.
Giles shook his head. 'The ritual states we must wear white robes with the pentacle embroidered on the back. To symbolise the devotion to the elements and the…oh it doesn't matter. For god's sakes it's for two hours at the most out of your life. You've lived, what, a good one-hundred years, it won't make a dent in your life time experience of wearing clothing.'
Angel eyed the robe, holding it up in front of him. Faith was laughing behind him. 'Who's gonna look like a sissy-girl?'
'At least it wasn't my christening dress,' he muttered, folding it up and throwing it on the couch.
Faith sneered. 'Fuck off, I wasn't christened. Anyways at least I can enter a church without imitating cigarette crap.'
He made a face, then turned from her and headed for the next room, and as he passed the stairs, I opened the front door, and closed it gently behind me. I saw Faith and Giles look up at me, and Angel stop to say a brief 'hi,' before continuing on.
'Where did you go?' Giles asked.
I shrugged. 'For a walk.' I headed straight upstairs, for some reason, needing a shower.
I sensed rather than saw Faith following me, hoping that this wouldn't be one of her, "I'm horny; do me," conversations. God, what was up with me? Why all of a sudden was I being so bitchy?
I closed the bathroom door behind me, hoping she'd soon get the message, but no such luck came to me as she closed the door behind her, and locked it. 'What's up?'
I shrugged and proceeded to pulling my black top over my head. I tossed it onto a pile in the corner of the bathroom and did the same with my trousers and underwear.
'What we talked about, last night…it's not…'
'No. It's not you, Faith, I just…need a shower.' I twisted the tap round, and waited for the water to reach a comfortable temperature.
She stood back still, by the door, I think sensing that I needed more alone-thinking-time.
'You're not still fretting over fighting these things, are you?'
'No- Faith, could I just…have some time, please?' I watched her, looking me in the eye, seeming a little astounded, before turning and exiting, the cockiness and unsophisticated attitude she so boldly housed dissipating.
Finally.
- - -
'You think there'll be much fighting?' he suggested, and she shrugged.
'Who knows. There might be none. But it might all be too much and we all might die.' She looked towards the ceiling, drawing in oxygen as she did. 'I just hope I don't mess up this ritual.'
He reached for her hands and took them in his own. 'You won't.' Xander observed her a moment. 'I just want you to know that…I'm always here for you, always,' he said to her as they sat across from each other, upon the floor of my bedroom.
Willow closed her eyes to the feeling of Xander touching the back of her head and just holding it for a while.
'I love you so much, Willow. And…after everything we've done, from diapers to…demons…I've never doubted ever wanting to leave your side. I'll be there for you tonight. You need me to fight; I'm there. Just say the word.'
She smiled jadedly and sucked in a breath through her mouth. 'I love you, Xand. You know me better than anyone here. And if I need something, you can guarantee that you will always know the answer.' She raised up onto her knees as she leant in to hug Xander, who in return, wrapped his arms around her, just holding her.
- - -
Will. Angel. Me. Faith. Giles. Xander. Oz. There we all were. Standing in the lounge of the house. Weapons in hand, garments in the other. Willow held the books needed and the potions we had mixed. Giles held the crystals we needed. One thing we all held individually was strength. Every single one of us.
I glanced at everyone, their faces serious, knowing that they could die.
'I won't even think about saying goodbye. You all know why. But I know what I do want to say. We are fighters. We are not afraid. We can do this, and we are prepared. Every one of you has a strength in this room, and energy that will overcome these demons. And if we do fight, we'll do it well. Because you're bloody good and I want to rush home after to take a warm bath with bubbles and drink some tea and watch University Challenge.' We all eyed each other as Giles finished up. 'E-hem. I…don't think I should've said that aloud.' He scratched his forehead as he moved aside, and I assumed his position.
'Okay. You guys…' I drew in a deep breath and looked at them all.
But Faith continued for me. 'You guys this is IT. The real deal, the night. And we're gonna DO this. Even if it kills us. Because heck, we'd just come back anyway, B did, so we can too.' She shook her head. 'The point is…you all know the damage you can do. Every single battle you've had in the past, take it with you now. And if we have to fight…we know what we have to do. Just…be smart. And…we can all come home and have bubble baths and watch, dare I say it University Challenge afterwards.' She glanced at Giles, who had smiled contentedly at her.
The gang chuckled and I stepped in. 'She's right. We do this; we live. We die; we live. But one thing we will not do, is FAIL. Because we don't fail. So do it, you guys. And let's all come home safe.'
I smiled a little, and looked to Faith, who gave me a nudge. We headed out and she whispered in my ear, 'And maybe we can try it with the bubble bath.'
I nodded and looked at her, her eyes sparkling as they always did. I was glad she wasn't still mad at me.
