Xavantina and The Curse of the Black Pearl

Author: Xavantina

Rating: R for now.

Pairings: WT/JS and others...

Summary: Shameless Maeglin Yedi styled Mary Sue-parody . Imagine waking up onboard the Black Pearl. Not a serious fanfic.

Warnings: Swearing. Slash. Stuff.

***

Chapter One: Wake up and smell the pirates

I hate ships. They are crowded and I always get seasick. I hate the smell of sea water too. It makes me nauseous. I crack open an eye and look around. It's dark, and I can't actually see anything. Interesting. I went to sleep at home and now I am in some dark place that feels like a ship (it's rocking) and smells of saltwater and... I sniff again. Alcohol. What the hell?

I stand up and try to get something to make just a little bit of sense. I take a step and immediately lift my bare foot from the floor. Ew, there's something very sticky. I decide that I don't want to know what it is. Stepping around it I start making my way left. Or towards left, at least. Damn, the person who made this wooden floor should be fired. It is not suitable for bare feet. I realise that it's pretty chilly here too. If only I knew where here was. Finally I bump into something. I feel around and discover that it is barrels. And next to them there is a chest. And I move on, hands running along a rough wall. The floor rocks again, and I almost stumble. I'm on a boat all right. And starting to panic.

That's when the door opens. I stand totally frozen like a deer caught in the headlights. "Wha' the 'ell are ye' doin' 'ere?"

I open and close my mouth several times, but no sound comes out. Holy shit, fuck and a lot of other curses run through my mind. The dude is dirty. And ugly, and I can smell him from where I'm standing, and his clothes are... Oh my God. He looks kinda familiar though, but I have no time to think about that. He moves to grab hold of me, and I don't feel like being grabbed. So I jump past him and sprint as fast as my legs can go. Which is not very fast, because there's stairs in the way. I add stairs to the list of things I hate.

I almost fall twice, but the sound of the guy behind me keeps me going. And finally I get out. And I stop dead. I'm on a ship all right. And it's night, explaining why it was so dark down there. And guess what, there are skeletons all over. What seems like hundreds of them. And I scream. Loudly. In hindsight probably a bad move, because now they all noticed me. Skeletons. Pirate skeletons. I'm dreaming. I feel like laughing and going back down where I came from. Because this is obviously just a very realistic dream. It feels very real, but honestly it can't be. So there.

Something cold and hard wraps around my neck. Hands it would appear, and soon I'm pushed against a wooden surface by a very big skeleton. Very big. I feel almost certain that it's Bo'sun. That almost makes me giggle. But that fact that he just started squeezing my throat, lifting me off the ground and I can't breathe puts a damper on my funny-mood. "Who are you, and how did you get onboard?"

It's hard to answer that big boy when I can't breathe. And even if I could breathe, I don't know it myself. So, enter the panicking feeling again. I try kicking the pirate, but he doesn't seem very moved by the gesture. The other skeletons draw close around us, cheering and they suddenly seem a lot more scary then they did on the DVD. I'm seeing black spots for my eyes now. I find myself thinking, 'What would Jack do?', and it is enough to get my brain working again. "Parley."

Bo'sun stops squeezing, and I repeat, "Parley," my voice a little more ragged.

"Cease that. She invoked the right of parley," a voice commands, somewhere nearby. Sounds familiar too, but I'm too grateful to care. I feel like hugging that person to death. But when Bo'sun lets go of me, I fall to the ground, gasping for breath and coughing{?} madly, so I can't really do that.

"Aye, sir," Bo'sun skeleton sneers, and steps away from me. I look up at him and it really looks like he's about to step on me. Luckily he doesn't, because then I would have tackled him. Which would surely lead to my death. And I don't want to die.

"'Ello lass."

I cough a final time and look up "Nice hat," I comment, my voice still raspy. Why the hell did I say that?

The pirates (is it just me, or are they getting scarier?) laugh loudly while Barbossa seems to be slightly interested. Yeah, I figured that it was Barbossa. Having seen the famous 'start believing in ghost-stories'-scene a hundred times. Also, Jack the monkey skeleton in sitting on his shoulder. "'Ow did you get onboard this ship?"

"I don't know," I choke out, aiming for pity, "I was in my bed at home, and then I woke up here. I didn't mean to be here."

It seems like the captain doesn't give a fuck.' here. Reading skeletons facial expressions is hard, but that would be my guess, anyway. "What's ya name?"

I consider what to reply. Real name? No, I don't feel like sharing that. "Xavantina Holm."

"Unnatural name," he says in the suspicious voice.

"It's Brazilian," I comment, "You can call me Xavan if you want to."

"Kill her."

Okay, I'm officially scared now. Bo'sun steps forward again, apparently wanting to do the job. "Wait. I know stuff."

Barbossa had turned to leave, but turns back to give me what appears to be a mocking look. "Really? I see no use of ya'."

"I know about the Curse. And the Aztec gold," I cry desperately. "I know where it is. The last piece." Seeing that they are still cursed, I guess they're looking for Elizabeth's piece. Maybe more, what do I care. Frankly, I don't care about who I might end up hurting right now, I just want to live.

And Barbossa is looking interested now. I choose to take that as a good sign. "Pintel, Ragetti, show the lass to the guest quarters." He looks around the deck, "Rest o' ye dogs, back t' work."

While the pirates immediately do as ordered, I am forcefully hurled to my feet by two others. I just hope that 'guest quarters' isn't the same as the brig. You never know with pirate slang...

When we go out of the moonlight, I suddenly remember who is handling me. I snap my head to the left, then to the right. Oh God, fangirlish moment. Pintel and Ragetti. Then again, they kill people. They might be comic relief on the screen, but they also kill people. They are pirates, and they could easily kill me too. "Nice cutlass." I have a thing about saying the wrong stuff at the wrong time.

Pintel stops abruptly. Ragetti on the other hand doesn't, which results in me almost falling over when he keeps puling me along. "Wha' did ya say?"

"I was just admiring your cutlass," I say, trying to make myself seem really small.

Pintel blinks and stares at me for a second. Then he grins, showing off teeth that would give any dentist nightmares for years, "It could cut ye 'ead off, like it was made o' butter." On my other side Ragetti giggles.

I gulp. "Good to know."

Turns out that the guest quarters aren't the brig, for which I'm very grateful. It's a small cabin, not nearly as nice as the one Elizabeth got, but I'm totally happy about it. "Don' go anywhere," Pintel orders, showing me in a little less then nicely. "There' be clothes in a while."

I must have looked as confused as I was, because Pintel laughs at me, then looks me up an down. I do too. Hmmm, I see his point. Snoopy night-gown. The door closes and I hear a lock being turned. So I really am a prisoner, just in a decent room.

Who am I kidding anyway? The madras is hard, and there's no bathroom, and no windows either. I feel like throwing a claustrophobic fit, but figure that it won't do me any good.

I had myself installed on the bed, trying to find meaning in all that happened, when someone unlocks the door, and then knocks. I frown and carefully grant them entrance.

Ragetti. Wooden eye rolling in its socket. And he has a dress with him too. I gasp softly. It's the dress Elizabeth got. No way in hell I am gonna fit into that. "Forget it," I mutter out loud.

Ragetti is obviously confused, "Forge' wha'?"

"I can't fit into that," I answer honestly, ignoring the urge to cry. Because things are just getting worse every second.

"Sure 'ye can," Ragetti says, looking from the dress to me and back. He grins. Teeth just as bad as Pintel's, I note. I feel the need to brush mine.

I look as sarcastic as I can, "Do I look that thin to you?"

He eyes me up and down. The fact that he only does this with one eye, while the wooden one doesn't move for once, creeps me out a little. "Ye look fine to me."

I repress the urge to run over and hug him, and take the dress. "Turn around, I'll prove it." Surprisingly enough he does as I ask. I try wiggling into the dress, and find that I can just close it. But my boobs are almost falling out. Bet the pirates won't mind, though. But I'm having trouble breathing already. "Ya see?" I turn, giving Ragetti a triumphant look.

Judging from the look on Ragetti's face, I don't think he minds that the dress is very tight across the chest. This might just be the key to my escape. If only we weren't in the middle of the ocean... I decide to work on my escape-plan later. For now I just settle on giving Ragetti a very dirty glare. He is pretty oblivious to it, so I clear my throat and snap my fingers, "Yo, Rags, eye up here." I giggle a bit at my own joke, before noticing that the pirate is staring at my face with a mix of confusion and suspicion.

"'Ow do ye know me nickname?" He asks.

Damn. Oh right. "I heard Barbossa call you..."

"'E didn' call me Rags."

Okay, who died and gave this pirate a brain? This is no fun, "A lucky guess then," I tried, crossing fingers behind my back.

It worked. Ragetti changed his stance to a more relaxed one, leaning against the wall, "Only Pintel calls me Rags."

I tried to keep the slashy thoughts out of my head, because honestly I don't like Pintel/Ragetti slash. In the way that I think it's cute, but Jesus... I don't wanna think about them doing it. I shudder, but put on a small smile, "Can I call you Rags?"

I wished he wouldn't smile that broadly. Those teeth!! "Sure ye can lassie."

Great. I'm a dog. "Don't call me Lassie, please." Ragetti looks like he's thinking harder then he has for a while. "Xavantina," I say helpfully, "But if I call you Rags, you call me Xavan."

"Savan," Ragetti mutters to himself.

I decide not to correct his slight mispronunciation. I do feel better, 'cause his IQ doesn't seem very high at this moment. It gives me a bit of comfort. "Get some sleep, Savan."

I smile kindly at him, and almost say 'you too'. But then I remember that cursed pirates probably don't sleep. Oh well, "Thanks, Rags."

I vote against trying to get out of the dress again, and with some adjusting I manage to lie down on the very uncomfortable madras. Maybe if I go to sleep, I'll wake up back in my room. Without smelly pirates, and dresses that are way too small.

***