Xavantina and The Curse of the Black Pearl

Author: Xavantina

Rating: R for now.

Pairings: WT/JS and others...

Summary: Shameless Maeglin Yedi styled Mary Sue. Imagine waking up onboard the Black Pearl.

Disclaimer: Every single pirate, monkey, blacksmith and navy-guy belong to Gore Verbinski, Disney and some other people, I'm sure. Too bad, isn't it?

Warnings: Swearing. Slash. Stuff.

***

Chapter Two: Pirate Life for Me

I wake up feeling really bad. Dizzy and definitely seasick. Lack of oxygen, I think to myself. The dress is not made of something that stretches. Dress? I'm still on the boat. Sorry, ship.

Someone is knocking rather impatiently on the door. I swear inwardly and stride over to the door. Just when I am a foot from it, it swings open. Hitting me square in the face. I stumble back, cursing loudly in Danish, holding my nose and fall right on my ass. Damnit, this hurts. Hopefully it isn't broken because then I am gonna kill whoever opened that door. I glare up and find Pintel and Ragetti staring at me wide-eyed.

"I told you to wait for 'er to ge' it," Ragetti said, giving his friend a sullen glance.

Pintel snorts, and offers me a hand. I wrinkle my nose at it. A mistake it would seem, because that really hurts. I accept the hand. And I am not prepared when Pintel forcefully pulls me up. So I stumble into him. Holy Mary, Mother of God, these guys really stink. Pulling back without gagging too much, I glare angrily at him. I can't help but smile when I notice Ragetti's worried look though.

"I'm fine, Rags," I say offhandedly. Pintel frowns a bit, giving the other pirate a curious look. Then he looks at me again. And down... And his eyes stop moving. Christ, have these people never seen tits before? "Stop staring at my breasts, Mr. Pintel. Why are you two here?"

The two of them seem to suddenly remember their purpose, "Captain Barbossa wishes to see you at breakfast with him."

Not that I have any idea how I am gonna fit anything besides me into this dress, but I nod obediently. Looks like the smartest decision. "Lead the way."

I can't help myself when I get into Barbossa's cabin. I gasp loudly. Food!! Not as much as the impressive dinner Elizabeth was offered. But holy hell, for someone who doesn't eat, he sure keeps a lot of food around. The bad boy himself is sitting at the dinning table, smiling in a way that I would normally find creepy. But right now it only serves to make me feel nostalgic. I'm like Elizabeth here. With breakfast. And boobs way too big for this dress. Barbossa takes note of this too, but I don't have to snap my fingers to get him to look elsewhere.

Who would have thought bread could taste this good? I munch on it happily, and when the Captain offers me an apple I take it without question. Of course, it's a bit absurd and I suspect that Barbossa's obsession with apples is only fuelled by me eating them, but I just don't care. I do notice him looking at me longingly while I eat, almost like he tries to taste everything again through me. For a second I actually feel sorry for the poor guy.

"Was the meal... satisfying, Miss Holm?"

I give Barbossa a look out of the corner of my eye, "Very nice, Captain. Do you want to discuss business now?"

Barbossa chuckles. "Indeed. You know about our curse, I deduce?"

I nod, chewing on a mouthful of apple. "Aztec gold. 882 identical pieces. Big bad curse, all must be put back." I swallow the last bite of the apple and put the remains on my plate. The dress is feeling a bit too tight. "Something like that?"

Barbossa smiles, his sunken eyes glinting, and I get chills down my back. "You know where the final piece is," he states. "How?"

I have yet to figure out how to explain that one. I dart my eyes around the cabin, looking at Jack the Monkey for some time. He is making chewing motions. "I just do. But you would find out soon anyway." I suddenly realise that I could totally fuck the story up if I led the Black Pearl to Port Royal before time. What if Jack hadn't arrived yet? Now, how do I convince a bunch of cursed pirates to wait for the ripple effect in the water?

"Is that so?" Barbossa asks, fascinated.

I nod again, "Yes. It's in a city. I can tell you were but..." An idea quickly takes shape in my head. "You can't attack before I say." Barbossa is about to interrupt, but I continue, "Otherwise you will never get it." It's true in a way. They'll have to go through Elizabeth's rooms to get it anyway. So in a way, I'm not lying. In a way. Somehow.

Barbossa sits in silence gazing out the window for a minute or so, while I try shifting about in my chair to sit more comfortably. Damn this dress to hell. The monkey is making small chipping noises that are beginning to unease me.

"I have decided to trust you, Miss Holm." I almost fall off my chair when he says that, but luckily I don't. "But if it comes to a situation where it is revealed that you have been lying..." He looks at me in a way that leaves no place for misunderstandings.

"I'll die a terribly ugly death," I finish and stand up, "I assure you I have no desire to die, Captain Barbossa." Placing my napkin next to my plate, I politely inquire, "Can I return to my cabin?"

Barbossa smirks. "I think you should have some more comfortable accommodations." I barely have time to wonder about whether this means he's throwing me in the brig now, he gestures around his cabin. "Would this be satisfying?"

Ooookay, reality check, "Where would you be, Captain?" I ask, trying not to bounce.

"I'll manage." He smiles, and I have to admit that the guy is seriously scary. Suddenly the rape fics I read seem likely, and I mentally remind myself to get some kind of weapon. Just for comfort, even though it wouldn't do any good at all. "Where, Miss Holm?"

I take a deep breath. "Port Royal."

Barbossa smiles at me, reminding me of when he got the medallion from Elizabeth. I smile back thinly; suddenly worried if I made the right choice. "Thank you for your help, Miss Holm. Follow me please."

I have a sudden sense of panic. I'm gonna be killed now or worse. Stupid, stupid, stupid decision I made there. But I follow Barbossa without a word. Walking out in the Caribbean sunlight, the Captain quickly gets the attention of the entire crew, "MEN!! Miss Holm here is a guest on our ship. My guest." He looks around threateningly, like he's willing them to try and argue. "If she is hurt in any way, you will pay dearly."

I let out the breath I've been holding. Suddenly I actually feel all fuzzy inside. Barbossa doesn't want me hurt. Yay for me. Okay, it might be because he wants to make sure I'm telling the truth and if I'm not he's going to kill me very painfully, but what do I care? I'm a guest. "You two," Barbossa commands, gesturing at Pintel and Ragetti, "Are in charge of her."

I'm a bit insulted now, but Ragetti's bright smile, although disgusting, makes me fell fluffy inside once more.

***

"And this is the gun-deck." Ragetti has gone into full travel-guide mode. I have spent two hours walking around the Black Pearl, and I'm sure I should now know everything there is to know about ships. If only I could remember any of it. Wait, I remember that the mast over there is the mizzen mast. Or was it that one? Also every pirate on the ship has now ogled me and my front side. I hate this dress.

"Can we go up on the helm?" I ask, pointing like an eager child. Barbossa is playing Captain up there, looking all high and mighty, Jack on his shoulder and everything.

Ragetti scuffles his feet, looking uncertain. But when I turn to gaze up at the helm again, Barbossa has noticed me. My hand is still pointing. I quickly drop it, and smile nervously. He inspects me for some time then gestures for me to join him. I pause but Pintel none too gently shove me forward. I need to have a chat with that guy. Anyway I make my way to Barbossa, because it seems like the smartest thing to do.

"Are you enjoying yourself, Miss?"

I nod politely, "It's a very nice ship, Captain."

He grins. "A real pearl."

I miss my toothbrush, I miss my toothbrush. "So, where..." I stop talking as Jack the Monkey suddenly jumps over to sit on my shoulder, "are we exactly?" I end, and try to act calm. A monkey can scratch out your eyes, you know.

"A little off San Juan," Barbossa responds, checking his compass. Yeah, that's a fat help, partner. "Four days from Port Royal," he adds, smirking smugly. Old git.

"Ah," I say, trying to sound a little smarter then I've managed so far. I carefully pet Jack the Monkey, and he makes some kind of sound that I think is positive. At least the monkey likes me. I think.

The view is nice out here, though. I take a deep breath, and find that the smell of saltwater isn't making me all that sick anymore. I lean over the banister taking it all in. And all of a sudden I notice that most of the pirates have stopped doing stuff and are now staring up at me. What the...? I catch Pintel's eye. He nods down and does an impression of breasts with his hands. I am about to giggle when the message sinks in. I look down. They have fallen out so to speak. I hate this dress.

***

Day two is going a little bit better. I start the day playing a nice game of hide and seek with Jack the Monkey. Turns out the little beast has a like for shiny stuff, and my necklace is very tempting, apparently.

I find out that there was a bit of coffee down in the hold, and everything seems to improve from there. Water can be boiled over candles and life is good again.

I spend a good part of the morning listening to Ragetti telling pirate stories, and Pintel teaches me how to slice a throat perfectly. Just for self defence of course.

Around midday I decide that I can't hide in Barbossa's cabin forever, and go outside, taking a cup of coffee with me. Twigg winks at me. I calmly give Pintel my coffee and then smack the offending pirate so hard his neck almost snaps. None of the rest even dare to look at me.

I make my way to the forecastle (I smile and give myself a mental backslap for remembering something besides poop deck, mizzen mast and cock boat), Ragetti and Pintel close behind. They take the job of protecting me very seriously it would seem. It's not like I would jump overboard, boys. I get my coffee back from Pintel, and close my eyes. Wind in my hair, coffee and a perfect sky. I am starting to like this journey a lot more then I did to begin with. "I like it out here," I say, throwing a glance back at my bodyguards, "It's wonderful."

They look depressed. Oh right, the Curse. Can't feel anything. I feel a twinge of sympathy and choose to change the subject, "Let's go back in and I'll teach you two how to play tic-tac-toe."

They seem not to mind and start walking back towards Barbossa's cabin. I look at the ocean one more time, and turn to follow them. And bump into a solid body, spilling all my coffee on the person. Who is black and has no shirt on. I gulp and prepare to be backhanded very hard. Not like he'll care about Barbossa getting pissed.

But Bo'sun only glares at me. He looks just about pissed off enough to throw me overboard, but he doesn't. I quickly scuffle after Ragetti and Pintel, shooting nervous glances over my shoulder. "Wha'sit, lass?"

"Bo'sun hates me." It sounds horribly stupid.

Ragetti place a hand on my shoulder, "Bo'sun 'ates everybody." I notice that Ragetti's hand leaves a dirty mark on my shoulder. Strangely enough I stopped caring. Pirate life must be growing on me.

Barbossa has the crew cook me a wonderful dinner. I practically feel like a true queen, sitting here eating with candlelight and everything. Barbossa's intense look on me the whole time I eat doesn't bother me anymore, because I figure he needs it. I mean, poor guy hasn't eaten in ten years; I can at least let him watch me eat. In addition to that, I make sure to tell him how wonderful it all tastes. I swear, he looks like he's about to orgasm. And the creepy thing is that I'm proud of myself.

***

I wake up to my third day on the Black Pearl, and find myself staring into two small, black eyes. Jack the Monkey grins at me and shows me my necklace. I don't know how he got it off, but I'm too groggy to care. When I reach out to grab it, the little devil scampers off. Bugger. I had decided yesterday to sleep in my night-gown, so putting on the dress again is awful.

After half an hour I give up trying to catch the damn monkey, and I just feel like going back to sleep. But I am in no such luck, because I have barely laid down when some ignorant fool knocks on the door.

"Go away."

The door opens nonetheless. Pintel. With his cutlass. I sit up straight, prepared to fight him off in case the order to behead me has been given for some reason. "Relax beauty, I be not goin' t' hurt ya." He looks smug, "Ya wouldn't be able t' stop me, if I wanted t' 'urt ye."

I slumber back on the bed, pinching the bridge of my nose, "Can't blame a lass for tryin'." Oh God, I've started speaking like a pirate. I wanna get off. "Whussap?" There, modern slang to soothe my nerves.

"Ya bored?" He asks.

I nod, and yawn, "Very."

Pintel holds out his cutlass to me.

Sword fighting is harder then it looks. Maybe if I practised three hours a day I would be able to do any good. But after getting totally ass kicked by Pintel for the 1026th time, I've had enough. "That's it, I quit."

Pintel is highly amused, and I'm pissed off now, so I leave the cabin in a hurry. I stop three steps out, remembering that I'm only in my night-gown still, and quickly retreat again. Pintel starts laughing now. I give him a death glare and kick him right in the balls. It sucks that he just keeps on laughing, not feeling any pain at all.

***

I slumber against the railing in the afternoon sun, staring at the land we're sailing past. Ragetti had informed me earlier that it was Cuba. It looks nice enough, and I consider asking Barbossa if we can go there. But then again, he might not have time for that. Who knows? It all depends on when this is. Because we have to wait for Elizabeth to fall into water, otherwise thing will be totally screwed up.

Over dinner I inform Barbossa about some of the finer details of this little operation. He agrees that we lay anchor in a small port half a day from Port Royal. It suits me perfectly. Aztec gold goes in water, we arrive by nightfall. I choose to ignore the fact that they were going to do that anyway, because it makes my brain hurt. And thinking about the fact that I actually am of no use to them at all, makes me nervous. Because I still have the feeling there's only one reason I'm alive, and that is 'cause Barbossa can see some value in me.

I walk into the moonlight, surveying the working skeletons with interest. It's amazing how well this just works, like a well oiled machine really. Oh uh. Very big one that I immediately label as Bo'sun growls at me and gestures at me threateningly. Like an 'I'm gonna snap your neck when the captain's back is turned'- gesture.

I walk to my/Barbossa's cabin rather fast, and find Ragetti and Pintel waiting for me. At least I have my pirate bodyguards. But when I think about it, Ragetti and Pintel are terrified of Bo'sun too. I'm so screwed. I groan, slip onto a chair and let my head fall to the table, "Man, I would kill for a drink."

Pintel's eyes lit up, "I bet we could brin' you someone to kill from Por' Royal."

I give him an apologetic smile, "Not literally, sorry." I yawn and sigh loudly.

"We 'ave lotsa rum," Ragetti says brightly.

I perk up instantly, "Really?"

Ragetti nods enthusiastically, making his eye fall out and roll over the table. The socket must be dry today. I stop and return it without as much as flinching. I've spent too much time with him. "Aye," Pintel answers my question, "Swag, ya know. We don' drink it, but ya can 'ave some if ya like."

"Please," I grin, clapping my hands together in glee. Rum. Real Caribbean rum. I can't wait to taste it. Pintel goes to get a barrel, so I ask Ragetti to sit down. That's when I notice that he is looking pretty depressed. "Hey, what's up Rags?"

"I miss being human," he replies, rubbing his eye absently.

"Stop rubbing it," I say on reflex. He drops the hand to the table. "Hopefully you'll be human again soon," I comfort him. Immediately his eye lights up, and I feel horrible. He won't have chance to enjoy being human. They are captured by the navy. For all we know, they end up getting hanged, the whole bunch. I'm so rotten. And it hurts.

"What's up wit' you, Savan?"

I snap my gaze back to him. Shit, what the hell is going on with me? I don't care. I shouldn't care. These people are evil. They almost kill Will. Remember him? Orlando? The sexiest man alive. And Jack, they marooned Jack on that island. They kill and rob and burn towns to the ground. They're evil!! I can feel my eyes watering up, and a few tears start rolling down my cheeks. Ragetti resembles a hurt puppy when he looks sympathetic. He leans over and wipes the tears away. He flinches. "What?" I ask, stifling a sob.

"I got ye face dirty," he apologises.

I chuckle, wiping my nose in my sleeve, and try my best to wipe my cheeks where I guess he touched. "Did I get it off?" I inquire hopefully.

Ragetti shakes his head, smiling, "No, you only smeared it out."

"Oh." I giggle. It seems bizarre in this situation. That makes me laugh. Soon Ragetti joins in. And so when Pintel comes back with a keg of rum, both of us are laughing so hard we can't even stop to explain why.

"No' gonna ask," Pintel mumbles gruffly, putting the keg on the table.

I try calming my laughter while I fetch three glasses. Before the two of them can protest, I cut them off, "I'm not drinking alone. I don't care that you can't taste it or anything, just do it for me, okay?"

They don't protest.

Three hour later I have three things established. One: Caribbean rum tastes pretty much like crap, but it gets you extremely drunk. Two: Barbossa's shirts smell like monkey. Three: Neither Pintel nor Ragetti can sing.

I take another sip of my glass, grinning over nothing in particular. So here I am, on the floor in Captain Barbossa's cabin, on the Black Pearl, wearing the clothes of a feared, cursed pirate captain because I got tired of wearing a dress that was too small for me, singing 'Yo ho, yo ho a pirate's life for me' with two other cursed pirates. How many people can say they tried that?

"Are ye drunk, lass?"

I roll over on my stomach, smiling stupidly at Pintel, "I'm wearing Barbossa's clothes. Does tha' answer your question?" To emphasise my point I reach up and the table where I left a spare hat of Barbossa's, and put it on. It's not as big as Barbossa's current, but it did well enough for me. I suddenly notice that Pintel once again isn't looking at my face. I follow his gaze. Oh. The shirt is actually lower cut then the dress. I pull it shut, rolling my eyes and drinking the rest of my rum.

"Ye' drunk," Ragetti states, smiling.

I giggle and nod, somehow making my way to where he's laying. "I am very drunk," I proclaim, draping myself over his bony chest. It jumps up and down as he laughs. I'm getting tired...

***