Disclaimer: see Chapter 1

A/N: Thank you for the great reviews. I'm afraid I'm going to have to disappoint some of you, as this is the final chapter.


Chapter 8

All was prepared, ready to go. As soon as the weapon drills were finished, I had retreated to my office, with more instructions to my team not to disturb me. The audio was set, the message poised to send. Now all I needed was my audience.

I had a moment of doubt as I sat there. Was this going too far? But then I remembered Malcolm's malicious pleasure when he told me what those lozenges were. My stomach gave a now familiar lurch.

Uh oh, not now, dammit! Think warp fields, pretty warp fields…

That wasn't an isolated incident either, was it? Malcolm had found out soon enough how I feel about bugs, and took full advantage of the fact. I had had uneasy dreams about giant bore worms for weeks after he had gleefully told me about them. And they weren't the first, or last, alien bugs he had brought to my attention so I could take 'proper precautions'. Yeah. Right.

This was not a healthy train of thought! If I didn't take care, I'd need the bathroom again. However, any queasiness vanished in an instant as soon as I heard Malcolm enter his quarters.

There was the noise of a door opening and soft footfalls. I increased the audio gain - I didn't want to miss anything, after all. Now I could hear a tuneless, cheery humming. Clearly, the mayhem Malcolm had wreaked on those poor, defenseless asteroids had put him in good spirits. Now, personally, I think it's kinda unsporting to take pleasure in attacking something that can't fight back, but he's so unprincipled, it didn't surprise me.

But if he was on a high, that was all to the good. My premiere would make a bigger impact - no need for phase cannons, here!

The humming resolved itself into a jaunty tune. What was it? I knew it, but couldn't quite place it. Then Malcolm added in the odd word. Aha. Got it. He was humming 'Singin' in the Rain'! I glanced at the duplicate list the Captain had sent me earlier 'in case the other gets mislaid, Trip'. Yeah - it was on the list. Malcolm was being taken over by musicals. I laughed quietly to myself at that unlikely thought.

That gave me an idea. If water polo was out of the question, I just might happen to mention to the Captain that Malcolm just might want to watch musicals with him. Yeah - that was a plan for the future with possibilities. Hhmm. Excellent possibilities, the more I thought about it. The Captain - and Malcolm, too, of course - could have private showings, and the remainder of us could carry on with our usual superior program. Get out of that, Mister Reed!

I heard Malcolm in the bathroom. Then he came out and I heard some more movement, but I couldn't figure out what was happening.

I heard a grunt and then some tapping away at the keys of his terminal. "Not bloody likely," he muttered. There was more tapping, with a final louder tap to finish.

"Talking to yourself, Malcolm?" I said. "Or are you hallucinating again?" Of course, he couldn't hear me. It was a one-way audio channel only. I had made very certain of that. A soft tone indicated I had got a message - from Malcolm.

He had rejected my contention that our Movie Night deal was invalid. He would be going ahead regardless.

Why didn't that surprise me?

I wrote out a response: 'Malcolm - I don't care if you are sitting there humming 'Singin' in the Rain' or working on some other part of the Captain's list. Our deal is off! (Let's face it - it was never on.)'

If he persisted, I was going to show 'Aliens' next. We could go head-to-head and see who got the biggest audience. And the best post-movie reaction.

I sent my reply straightaway. Sure enough, there was a bleep at Malcolm's end. I heard him take a sharp breath and swear. I could almost hear the synapses snapping shut in his brain. He would be wondering how I knew about the exact song he was singing, and then dismissing it as paranoia, but being not quite sure.

I heard a soft chuckle. He had got to the conclusion about the same time as me. Except this time, he was wrong. He was being monitored.

"Sweet," I said. I've got no worries about talking to myself. I'm a good listener.

I had the main message all lined up ready to go. I switched the audio channel to 'recording' to be sure I didn't miss getting a thing - I was going to record Malcolm's commentary, then splice it on top of the video. I wondered what insightful comments he might have on my masterpiece. The extras are always the best parts, I reckon.

I took one last look to check all was okay, and then I sent the package on its way with a decisive keystroke. I heard it arrive in Malcolm's quarters.

He gave a startled grunt. "A Home Movie?" he said, reading out the title.

Y'know, I thought he could read without having to sound out the words, but you live and learn.

Though, I dunno - perhaps he was talking to his blasted beagle?

He must've pressed 'start' because the music began.

I began my own video copy playing in tandem, so I could see how Malcolm's sound effects matched up with what he was seeing.

He started with a loud volley of swearing as he saw the initial security cam footage. Mixed in with it were some sentiments regarding breaches of security and leaks. I hope whoever had given it to Travis had hidden their tracks.

I could never tire of my movie, and Malcolm watched it all the way through as well, with a more or less continuous outpouring of venom - except during the rear shot of T'Pol. He was glaringly silent for that part.

With the final triumphant scene, the movie finished with a Bronx cheer fanfare.

Malcolm carried on cursing and I carried on recording. Despite what he might admit to in public, Malcolm does have an impressive and varied vocabulary when required.

Then I heard a few intelligible words. 'Travis', 'Bloody Travis', 'Trip' and so on. I wondered how much credit Travis had the nerve to accept. After all, he was the one who had gotten hold of the raw footage. I was the one with the creative input. We made a good team. How about… 'Enterprising Productions'? 'Nightmareworks'? 'TripTrav Creations'?

"We'll see about this!" growled Malcolm, pulling me out of my reverie. He was getting ready to find a victim. I wondered briefly if I should leave it there, but then I recalled all the things he had done and decided to press on with my original devastating plan of action.

I quickly matched up my audio recording with the video, re-named the file and re-sent it. I wanted him to get the full benefit before he came looking for vengeance. It would give me the high ground. I would be cool, calm and collected, and Malcolm would be too worked up to think straight, for once. It was a good tactical move, I told myself - yeah, even engineers can be tactical. Um. It was a good move, wasn't it?

There was no time for doubts.

I heard the message being received. Malcolm swore again. "With Added Commentary?" he muttered, perplexed. It started to play.

This was most amusing. Now I was getting two tracks of Malcolm – live and recorded. It was an interesting exercise to find out how similar his vocabulary pattern was the second time round. How much correlation was there? Now there was the subject for a paper. I laughed to myself. This was going better than I could have hoped.

Malcolm was still rambling on but eventually the penny dropped. I had expected him to realize earlier, but I think he had been thrown for a loop by it all. Perhaps he still thought he was hallucinating! That made me bellow out loud.

"Wait a minute," Malcolm said. The playback stopped. Then I heard him moving around - searching for eavesdropping devices, I guessed. Then I heard some scrabbling and more movement. He was probably searching for bugging equipment aided by a scanner. He didn't find anything - there was no bugging device to find.

I heard him swear, quickly cutting himself off.

There was some more noise, a scraping, some metallic clicks, and then the most appalling screech. It almost lacerated my eardrums! He'd cross-connected the comm circuit to give feedback.

The noise stopped abruptly.

I heard Malcolm, loud and clear, a truly venomous tone to his voice. "Let me guess? Mister Tucker, isn't it? Using your position to invade my privacy, huh? Two can play at that game, Commander. I am going to put you down for essential training every day for the next fortnight - that's two weeks to you - and no getting out of it this time. Then, when I have booked you in, I am coming to get you. Watch your back!"

Uh oh. I bit my lip. But I knew what I was doing… didn't I? And what could he do - really? I mean, I outranked him, didn't I? He was hardly going to go whining to the Captain. And he deserved it. I held that thought firm. I was in the right. He would not be able to deny it.

I sat back and prepared myself for battle.

x - x - x

Sooner than I'd have thought possible, a wild English whirlwind swept into my office, followed by a worried Engineering Crewman Raj.

"That will be all, Crewman," snarled Malcolm, not even bothering to look at the man.

"Sir?" said Raj to me. My team can be quite protective of me at times. I like to think I inspire loyalty, but perhaps it is merely the alternative is an unsettling prospect. Hess can be a tad alarming on occasion.

"That's okay, Crewman," I said. "The Lieutenant and I will be fine." At least, I hoped so. I had my desk between us, after all. In the Old West they sometimes fixed a revolver to the underside of a table to give them, an edge. Damn - I wished I'd remembered that sooner.

Malcolm snorted but he held his tongue until Raj had left. Then he let rip.

"This is unacceptable, Commander," he said, slamming a hand down on my desktop -thankfully it is of sturdy design. "Listening in to my private conversations - how long has that been going on, anyway? And misappropriating security video streams for… trivial, not to say, most unprofessional usage."

"Private conversations! I like that! Who were you talking to? Your beagle!"

His right cheek twitched uncontrollably. He yelled, "Now look… I've had just about enough of that, all right? It wasn't my fault and I was ill. So why can't you give it a rest?"

My poor desk suffered another whack.

I shot to my feet and roared back, "I will, Malcolm, when you stop interfering in my business. At least what I did didn't affect anyone except your own self-image. You, on the other hand, have completely disrupted the running of Engineering today. You didn't even apologize! Do you know how much extra work you've caused for my people, huh? I bet you don't, and you don't even care!"

He drew breath to shoot back a response, but then held it and let it out slowly. He blinked a few times. I could almost see his temper lessen as he processed my words. He stepped back a pace and tugged at his uniform cuffs. Then he spoke more quietly. "I didn't realize at the time, no. I apologize. It was not my intention to land you with unnecessary work. However, I did check with the Captain first."

"But you know that isn't sufficient. Why didn't you ask me?"

He twisted his mouth, obviously uncomfortable. "I knew you might object-"

I grunted. Now the truth came out.

Malcolm grimaced, "-and I was excited about being able to get some significant work done on the cannons-"

"And the torpedoes," I added.

He gave me the slightest smile. "And the torpedoes," he agreed. "You know me too well, Commander. Anyway, it was essential I got to try the cannons at increased output power - to track any frequency shifts and knock-on effects on targeting. I didn't know when the Captain would give me such a great opportunity again." He gave a wry grimace. "It isn't the highest priority with him."

I knew the Captain's views on it, too - Malcolm was on the nose with that observation.

I actually started to feel sorry for Malcolm: his explosive self-expression hampered by an unappreciative Captain. I shook my head - sympathy for the enemy - that wouldn't do at all!

I said accusingly, "And you told me about those lozenges!" That was the part that truly rankled with me. That he could subject me to that horror. Well… I swallowed as nausea threatened once more. I quickly thought about warp field patterns again - something more wholesome.

Malcolm gave a guilty smile. "I wasn't going to mention it. I confess I did know it would freak you out, but you annoyed me so damned much, I couldn't help myself. I do most sincerely apologize for that, as well. If it's any consolation, I wasn't too thrilled, either, to discover what Phlox had given me. And I ate a lot more of them."

Oh, an apology for that too, huh? And he sounded like he meant it. But I had yet more to cover with him.

"And Malcolm, you were scary yesterday, you know. I was worried about you, and then for you to say you hadn't wanted my help… it was a real slap in the face."

He was embarrassed. "I was scary? I can remember bits of it, but it all seemed… a little dreamlike, to be honest. Except for the part where the beagle stalked me with its phase pistol and there was nowhere to hide." He looked at me seriously. "That was scary!"

I didn't know how to respond to that. The image was so comical, but then, hadn't Malcolm just said he wanted to forget about this?

He laughed. "It's okay, Trip. I can see the funny side. There's no reason for you to avoid the topic, but I would prefer it if you didn't mention it quite so much. It gets rather tiresome."

"Yeah. I can see it would."

He gave a tentative smile. "Anyway. Thank you for sorting me out yesterday. Who knows what might've happened if you hadn't intervened. We might not be laughing about it at all."

"That's okay. I couldn't let you blast Porthos into pieces."

"Ouch. No." He winced, and then added ruefully, "Seems like we're not so mad at each other now."

"Uh huh. Uhh, I'm sorry if the 'Home Movie' went too far. It was only supposed to be fun."

"Like the betting pool?" His voice hardened again.

"Malcolm…"

He waved a dismissive hand. "Oh, forget it. I'm sure there'll be someone else to bet on soon."

Umm. Well, normally these events do revolve around Malcolm, but I wasn't going to spoil the moment and tell him that, was I?

He gave a wry smile and added, "After all, I have to confess, I usually have a few quid on when you're the subject."

"Yeah…"

Hold on. What did he mean… when I'm the subject? Why… Just wait till I get a hold of Travis!

Malcolm grinned. "Nice job on the 'Home Movie', although I do think you should've made more of my heroic nature! As if I would run away from Smith! But what was that about T'Pol's catsuit?"

I chortled. "Didn't you hear? Apparently her catsuits include vegetable matter in the fabric, and that rooting compound Smith sprayed her with caused it to sprout! That was what that time-lapse stuff was. It was all genuine!"

"Good Lord! Really? Well, thank you for that. At least your film had a redeeming educational point for me."

"Speaking of 'films', Malcolm…"

He crossed his arms. "Our deal stands, Trip. I have already spent considerable time sorting out my Movie Night program. I hope you are not going to make me change it."

I had a sinking feeling. Perhaps I'd better let him carry on? How bad could it be – really? I said, "What are you planning to start with?"

"There are several military history documentaries that will be useful for everyone to see. I'm going to alternate with some new action films and of course the Captain's musical selections." He reeled off his plan for movie domination with the decisiveness he brings to his mission planning.

It sounded absolutely appalling. It would chase my audience away for good! Who would ever want to risk subjecting themselves to a Movie Night again, whoever was running it? I said carefully, "Movie Night is supposed to be for classic movies, y'know."

"I realize that," Malcolm said curtly.

"So that rules out 'Die Hard 32'." Not too mention 'military history documentaries'.

"Die Hard 32: the Remake'!"

"Yeah. I keep forgetting."

"I don't see why that doesn't count. It is a modern classic, isn't it?"

This was too much. He just didn't get it – never would.

"Malcolm - I'm sorry. I can't do it." I couldn't let him destroy my baby. "I don't think our deal does stand because I don't understand a word of your explanation as to how you got out of water polo. I will be scheduling Movie Night from now on in."

He chewed at his lower lip, eyes narrowed in thought. He made another offer. "Tell you what, ask me whatever you need to, to clarify matters, and the deal can stand."

Oh, I was so, so tempted. But I had had been gifted a vision of the Movie Nights yet to come, and I couldn't do it. How could I expect an audience to trust me if I allowed Malcolm to show 'Fifty Ways to Strip Down a Phase Cannon', or whatever scintillating alternative he had lined up for them?

I shook my head. "I do appreciate what you are saying, Malcolm, but no - I'm sorry. Your selection powers are rescinded."

He took it well. He nodded. "Fair enough. I can see you are uncomfortable with my radical approach to scheduling. Too avant garde, I guess."

W-what? Was he trying to tell me this was the future? I shuddered. Not on this ship, it wasn't, even if it did mean we would get no prizes for art house presentations.

I sighed. So - I had played my hand and lost. No - make that, come out even. I had hoped to get one over on Malcolm, but that was not to be. Que sera, sera… oh no - now I was getting infected by musicals as well and becoming philosophical. This was not good!

Malcolm said, "You were really keen to discover how I had managed to avoid the water polo, weren't you?"

"Yeah. I guess I was - silly of me." And I meant it. If he didn't want to tell me, it was his business. In all probability, it wasn't anything I would be interested in, anyhow.

"Right, then." Malcolm pursed his lips, gave a quick bob of his head and started for the door. Then he then paused and turned to face me once more.

"Trip - I do appreciate all your help, most particularly when I was off my rocker. I will tell you what happened at breakfast yesterday."

I started to protest.

He said, "No – it's okay. I don't expect anything in return. Nothing except discretion, because only the Captain, and now Phlox, know about this, and I would prefer to keep it confidential."

He gazed at me seriously. Whatever it was, this meant a lot to him.

I said, "I won't tell a soul - you have my word."

He prepared himself, studying the floor. Then he lifted his gaze to look me square in the eye, and said, "I have aquaphobia-"

I was stunned. "Isn't that a symptom of rabies!" - Not Porthos! The poor puppy!

Malcolm gave an impatient snort. "No. Aquaphobia is a fear of drowning." He looked at me levelly to see what I made of this revelation. I caught a glimpse of… disgust, I think, in his gray eyes. Self-disgust.

I gazed at him in a new light. "I had no idea you suffered from that."

He gave a thin smile. "I am a man of many secrets," he said self- mockingly. I guess he realizes how difficult it is to get to know him.

I remembered all the times he had talked about the Royal Navy and his family traditions. This was not 'merely' a phobia - this was a crucial part of Malcolm Reed. I felt honored he had trusted me with it. How much had it affected his life? I mused, "I bet it caused you problems…"

Malcolm gave a snort of agreement. "I'll say! Not least at breakfast yesterday. The Captain played the water polo vid and it triggered something. I panicked and somehow ended up tripping over my own two feet. I knocked myself out cold! How stupid can you get!"

"But didn't the Captain know about your aquaphobia beforehand?"

"Yeah, he knew but it didn't occur to him there would be any difficulty. Why should it - it didn't occur to me either!" Malcolm shook his head. "I felt really sorry for him. He thought he was doing me a favor, and then that happened. He was feeling pretty guilty about it."

"Oh." Hence gunnery practice for the first time in ages. Malcolm had had a tough day yesterday.

"Yeah. I offered to resign as Armory Officer, you know." He said it utterly calmly, as if it was the most reasonable thing in the world.

I was shocked. "What? Why! You can't!"

"Oh, I haven't, don't worry. The Captain wouldn't hear of it. But who knows when it might cause me a problem carrying out my duties. It's a weakness, isn't it?"

"But that's ridiculous. We're in space! There're no oceans out here."

"Did the Captain speak to you about it? That's just what he said."

"No. He's not said a thing – he's been the soul of discretion. But it's true, isn't it, and besides, everyone has their weaknesses." I thought about bore worms again and shuddered.

Malcolm lifted his eyebrows. "So - now you know why I won't be enduring water polo."

"Yeah. I won't tell anyone."

He smiled. "I know you won't. Thank you, Trip." He made his way toward the door. "Oh, by the way…"

"Yeah?"

"I recommend you put in a few gym sessions before our combat training starts next week. It's going to be pretty intensive."

He gave me a huge grin as he disappeared out the door - the personification of the Cheshire Cat - and left me gaping after him.

Why, the devious sonofabitch… I'd forgotten all about that! I could've traded it away somehow with all the guilt I'd laid on him. Damnation!

Right - that did it! 'Aliens' next week and 'Event Horizon' the following week. With any luck some after-movie crazed audience member - or members if I was very fortunate - might put him out of commission for the next couple of weeks.

I wondered if Travis had any ideas on how to encourage that.

I knew I'd better start planning. And decide who is going to be fortunate enough to see my Home Movie. Let's see... that would be: Travis, everyone in Engineering...


END
A/N: So - there it is: Trip's view of the events of 'Operation Bamboozle' Part 3 and beyond. It was a blast to write and I'm glad it brought amusement to all you wonderful reviewers. I've appreciated every one of those reviews.

With thanks to:

Rinne, Cha Oseye Tempest Thrain, Tata, CapriceAnnHedican-Kocur, RoaringMice, G.Eliot, pip, Exploded Pen, Orlando's elven princess, Luna, Reedie, Shrekster, Lt. Black Fire, Eva, PJ in NH, Archer's Ensign and Rusty Armour.

And another mention and huge appreciation for G.Eliot, who found time in an insanely busy schedule to help me with this story, and who gave me the confidence to launch my version of Trip on unsuspecting readers!