Hermione was studying as usual, Harry was standing in the corner because Hermione put him in time-out for repeating himself himself, and Tammo was eating chocolate frogs. And of course, no one thought it was unusual at all for a six-foot tall hare to be hanging around. Ron rolled out from under the couch. "Hi, Ron!" said Harry, Hermione and Tammo. Ron stood up.
"Hi guys! Have you seen my apple?" he asked.
"Here we go again!" muttered Hermione.
"You jolly well lose a lot of flippin things in this bally joint, wot wot!" said Tammo.
Harry looked over his shoulder. "Hermione, can I come out of the corner now?" Hermione nodded.
"Ok, your time out's been over for half an hour anyway."
"WHAT?"
"Well, I figured you'd get bored and wander off eventually!"
"Forget it!" said Harry as he put on a detective outfit. "We've got an apple to find!" Hermione ran to the door.
"To the library!" she shouted.
"I'm on to you..." muttered Ron.
They went to the library and looked around. "Tammo!" yelled Hermione. "Stop that!" Tammo looked up from what he was doing. "It's just a bit of flippin target practice gel!" he protested.
Hermione shook her head. "Not on the first years!"
"Sheesh!" Tammo muttered to Ron. "Can't jolly well spot evil now, can she?"
Ron tried to stifle a chuckle as he said. "Shut up and help find my apple." Harry looked at Hermione who was pulling books off the shelves.
"Hermione, did you trick us into coming here just so you could read?" he asked.
"Harry, I'm not going to lie to you." she said, and then buried her nose in a book.
"Really?"
"Can't talk. Reading."
Three hours later they were still in the library and Hermione wasn't moving for anything! Sure they had tried using crowbars and had even brought in some wild horses, but that didn't work out too well. Instead, it just left a bunch of hoof prints all over the library. Getting bored with torturing first years Tammo wondered over to where Hermione was sitting. "Um Hermione ole gel, I think we'd best leave now!"
"Why?"
"Because I was practicin with the ole dirk, ya know, and that woman over there seems a bit agitated about it."
"RUN!" The four of them quickly left the library and went to the astronomy tower. Tammo looked out across the land.
"Hey! I can see Redwall from here! No wait, that's a bally ole church!" Ron looked around.
"Here, apple!" he called. Everyone stared at him. "Nevermind." he mumbled. Suddenly, Clem jumped out from behind a brick and started fencing with Tammo.
"Touché, sah!" shouted the hare. "Dodge! Parry! Lunge!"
They did this for a few more moments before Tammo disarmed Clem. "What are you doing here anyway?" asked Harry.
Clem pulled out an enormous bowl of kiwi fruit and said "I brought kiwi for everyone!" Suddenly every known character in the books ran over to Clem and took a kiwi. "
Thanks, Clem!" they all said in unison, and then they stampeded out. Clem got trampled in the process.
"Ow! My appendix!" moaned Clem.
"What about your spleen?" said Ron. Clem stood up.
"I had it removed."
Tammo looked up from the dozen kiwis that he was eating. "Mmm! Splendid fruits you got there chap!" Clem put on a parachute.
"Hey, maybe Ron's apple is in the common room." he said before jumping off the tower. The parachute exploded.
"How did Clem know Ron's apple was missing?" wondered Hermione. She was on the verge of discovering theuniversal secret of how Clem knew when Fred walked up to them. "I still can't find my Exploding Parachute!" he said. Ron looked at him quizzically
"I thought you already lost one."
"It's the same one, it just fixes itself over and over again. Have you seen it?"
"Have you checked the dormitories?"
"Ok, I'll go look there." Fred walked out of the tower.
Tammo finished his kiwi. "What say we go have a look in the jolly ole common room, wot?"
Five minutes later, they walked into the common room. "Wait a minute Ron, we've already looked here." said Harry.
"I know." said Ron. "It doesn't hurt to check again though." They looked around the room for a while.
"What I want to know, though," said Hermione. "Is why we're spending the day looking for apples when we could be working on our fifteen page report."
"Do I look like I'm made of time?" asked Ron.
Tammo's ears stood straight up. "Say! That reminds me, ole chap, I know a little ditty about time! It goes something like this: Ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh-"
"NO! No, that's okay, we don't need a song!"
"Hmph! Rotters! Never lettin a chap have a jolly bit of fun" muttered Tammo.
Harry turned to Ron. "Hey, Ron, was your apple red?"
"Yes."
"Was it round?"
"Yes."
"Did it have your name on it?"
"Yes."
"Did you eat it?"
"Yes."
They all got very quiet, realizing what had just happened. "Case jollyflippinballywell closed!" Tammo announced triumphantly. They all did the victory dance.
