Hey! Sorry I haven't updated for such a long time! I was very busy (Grr! Stupid English and Social Studies departments! I hate them! Argh!) and had a bunch of things to do, like homework, projects, and manifesting people. I'm really sorry! It's like neglecting your own children… But I don't have children, so I'm good! Onwards!
Disclaimer: I don't own any characters or monsters from FFIX, except Laura and that Alexandrian soldier from a few chapters ago. But since she was a soldier, I guess Square does own her anyway, the greedy scoundrels…
Chapter 6: Ralvuimago
"Um… What is it?" asked Cinna.
"Well, it's obvious isn't it?" stated Haagen, "It's…it's a…giant snaky, wormy thing."
"I think it's a grown version of the Ralvurahva I encountered first time I came here," said Marcus. The Ralvuimago roared and headed straight for the party. "Everyone scatter!" shouted Blank. The monster head-butted straight into the ground where Haagen was standing a few seconds before.
(Boss battle music)Ralvuimago attacks Blank and misses. Blank counters. Haagen casts Thunder on Ralvuimago. "Nice one!" says Marcus. Marcus attacks Ralvuimago, causing it to contract. Cinna attacks. "Hey! What gives? My attack didn't work!" says Cinna.
"Don't attack it physically when it's curled up. Just use magic and other stuff," says Blank. Blank steals a Phoenix Down from Ralvuimago. Haagen casts Blizzard on Ralvuimago. Marcus steals an Adaman Vest from Ralvuimago. Ralvuimago uncurls. Cinna attacks. Ralvuimago curls up. "Don't attack it, Cinna! You're weak and it wastes our time!" shouts Marcus.
"Sorry, I forgot… And what do you mean weak! I'm not weak! I'm just laid back!" says Cinna.
"Okay, fine. I'm sorry," says Marcus.
"Weak…weak my butt!" grumbles Cinna.
"Cinna!"
Okay, okay!" Blank steals an Oak Staff from Ralvuimago. Haagen casts Blizzara on Ralvuimago. "What the! You never told us you could cast second level spells!" says Blank.
"Oh, sorry. I can cast second level spells," says Haagen.
"That's not funny." Ralvuimago uncurls. Cinna attacks and hits it right between the eyes. Ralvuimago goes berserk and heads straight for Cinna!
Meanwhile"Captain! You're here!" said Laudo.
"Yes, I have received the letter from General Beatrix about Haagen's disappearance. Chivalry states that one is to stay by his comrade's side in times of need, so I have come to assist your search," said Steiner.
"But what about the other guys back in Lindblum?" asked Weimar. Steiner faltered in mid-speech. "Sh-shut up!" he said.
Dojebon was sitting on the steps of the dock, crying softly to himself. "This…this was always his favorite place to s-sit!" he sobbed.
"Bite the bullet, man! Up, up, up!" shouted Steiner.
"Oh, HAAGEN!"
"This is the reason no one depends on men in Alexandria! Get up, you incompetent fool!" Dojebon continued sobbing. "Oh, Haagen! How I miss you…"
"Grr! You worthless bunch of NITWITS!" The Knights of Pluto jumped simultaneously at Steiner's shout. "Help me get this idiot up!"
"Come on, Dojebon. It'll be okay," consoled Mullenkedheim.
"Yeah! We'll find Haagen, and then we'll all live happily ever after, because you two will get married, and have lots of kids, and-" started Blutzen.
"If you're not going to do anything useful, then don't do anything at all!" shouted Steiner. At this point, Dojebon hasn't stopped crying yet. If anything, it's gotten worse. "W-what if I never see him again! What if h-he's d-dead!" he wailed.
"I know how you must feel, Dojebon," said Laudo, "The despair, the hopelessness, the terror of knowing that you might never see your best friend ever again. Oh cruel fate, why must thou play so with the lives of men! Is it not enough that we war and quarrel that thou must cut asunder our friendships as a scorching knife through butter? Our friend speaketh 'nay' in defiance, and thou cut him down like a reaper of souls. Aye, 'tis the way of this cruel world to-"
"I'm surrounded by imbeciles and nincompoops! Can't you see you're making things worse!"
"Hey! I was just getting to the good part of the monologue, captain!"
"Um, I know it's not much, but I happen to know a few girls I could set you up with…" said Weimar.
"Urgh… If only chivalry permitted alcoholism…" groaned Steiner. Mullenkedheim tried to console Dojebon by giving him a sandwich, but Dojebon used it to blow his nose, which in turn hurt Mullenkedheim's feelings. "Oh, great! Now we have two sulking idiots! Of all the military forces in the world, why did I have to end up with the dumbest ones!"
"Come on, Mullenkedheim. I'm sure Dojebon didn't mean to hurt your feelings," said Kohel.
"He…he blew his nose in it! If that isn't hurtful, then what is!" wept Mullenkedheim.
"It's just a sandwich. There are plenty more sandwiches in the world."
"Oh, yeah? H-how would you feel if…if he blew his nose in your s-stash of c-cookies!"
"What! Y-you know about it?"
"Everyone does…"
"Um, look… Just…just feel better, okay?" Back with Dojebon, everyone else was still trying to cheer him up. "Now, look, Dojebon. I used to have an old friend in the Alexandrian army. A sergeant, she was. Anyway, one day, she went out on assignment, and I was worried sick about her," said Breireicht.
"Did…did she come back?" asked Dojebon between sobs.
"Oh, yes. She came back, eventually, after three months. She was given a 's welcome."
"Oh."
"Now, granted, she was missing an arm."
"What?"
"And she was scarred all over."
"But…"
"And, well… Come to think of it, though, she did die of cancer a few months later."
"OOOOOOHHHHHHHH, HAAGEN!"
Meanwhile
The Ralvuimago tried to head-butt Cinna a few times, but missed. Right now, it was chasing him around the tunnel. Then it happened, something so unexpected that even Kuja himself would be dumbfounded. "Aaaaargh! My hammer! It took my hammer! Give me back my hammer, you scum! GIVE IT! GRRAAAAAAAHHH!" shouted Cinna. In the unlikeliest of events, Cinna went into Trance. "Thor's Hammer!" he shouted. Almost instantly, the hammer flashed a brilliant white and threw impressive sparks everywhere, sparks that would cost the special effects branch of the movie industry millions of dollars to reproduce. The Ralvuimago shrieked in pain, and tried to throw the hammer off, but the electricity had attached itself to the monster. Then, as the hammer gained in power, it erupted in a brilliant blue explosion of hot plasma, disintegrating the Ralvuimago and scorching the ground around it. "That'll teach you to take my hammer," said Cinna triumphantly.
"Umm…Ah…" said Marcus.
"Who's weak now, hmm?" gloated Cinna.
"Let's just keep going, okay?" said Blank, who, for some mysterious reason, was not completely overwhelmed by this turn of events. Cinna, for whom a chance to gloat does not come often, felt hurt. He didn't even act a little surprised!
"Hey! I remember this rock! It's the one shaped like Sorceress Edea's face! We're getting close!" said Marcus.
"Who's Sorceress Edea?" asked Cinna, who had gotten over the whole thing now.
"Um… I don't know," replied Marcus, confused.
"Actually, I think it looks more like Summoner Yuna, or maybe Sung Mina," said Haagen.
"Who?" asked Blank.
"I…I don't know."
"Ooh! I know! This is just the author's pathetic attempt at injecting humor into the story!" said Cinna, who was smarter than he looked.
"What are you talking about?" asked Blank.
"What? What did I say?"
"Let's just keep going." And so, they marched onwards, now that the direct manipulation by a deranged author was over with.
Wee! I'm done! For now, that is. Please review. I hope this chapter was better than the last one! The last one sucked. I'm so embarrassed about the last one. Review! I'll feast on your brains if you don't! Mmm, brains…
