Hello! Updated is this story! Happy must everyone be! Why like Zorn am I talking? There! That's better. Now that I fixed my speech, we can proceed to the very important disclaimer!
Disclaimer: The Characters of FFIX, FFVIII, Terry Pratchett, and Lilo and Stitch I do not own. To Square, Terry Pratchett, and Disney they belong. Grr! Dammit!
Chapter 7: Missing You
Dojebon really missed Haagen. He missed everything about him, the way he smiles, the way he's so enthusiastic about everything, the adorable way he shouts "Feel my fury!" at 1300 decibels right into your ear… Oh, how he missed the days when they would go on patrol together and laugh about things like Weimar dating a and not knowing it or Blutzen and Kohel kissing each other right in front of Captain Steiner when they were drunk off their bottoms. "Oh, Haagen. Where are you now?" Dojebon said to himself.
"Right here," said Haagen.
"Haagen! You're back!"
"I'll never leave again. I promise." Dojebon was happy now. His best friend was back, nothing could possibly be wrong with the world, and… Why was Weimar running around butt naked with the rest of the Pluto Knights? "Hey, Dojebon!" he said, "look at me! I'm naked!"
"What?"
"Wake up!" Suddenly, there was a blinding white light, because Dojebon had opened his eyes. He woke up to find Weimar staring at him from right above. Now, why was he wet? "Dude, you fell asleep and slipped into the water! What? Do you want rusty armor like the captain?" said Weimar. Dojebon struggled through the layers of grogginess brought on by sleep and got up, feeling very heavy from all the water in his armor. "I know you admire the man, but isn't this going a bit far?"
"Why did you let me fall asleep in the water?"
"Oh, that. Captain Steiner gave up on you after an hour. He said, 'Honestly, I don't know why I even try anymore. One day I'm going to kill myself and I'll be damned if you nitwits try to attend my funeral.'"
"Oh."
"By the way, you might want to apologize to Mullenkedheim. He's still pretty upset about yesterday."
"Why? What did I do?"
"You blew your nose in his Sandwich of Condolences. He's really hurt; pissed, in fact. He's starting to cut sandwiches with a hatchet. He's really freaking everyone out. Captain Steiner is afraid to lecture him. Even General Beatrix won't go near him."
"Wow. That makes me feel so much better."
"Yeah, well. He's the dragon, and you're the sacrificial virgin to appease it. You are a virgin, right?"
"Shut up!"
ElsewhereThis was strange. Just yesterday he was in the tunnel of Gargan Roo, and now he was in the middle of a desert. And the name Galbadian Desert keeps coming to him for some reason. Apparently, he was watching the movements of a pair of soldiers, one in a blue uniform and one in a much heavier red one, called Biggs and Wedge. "Captain…" muttered Wedge.
"I'm not captain anymore, remember? We got demoted…twice," replied Biggs. Strange how he knows these things. Apparently these two were badly abused by an enemy teenage military force called SeeD, and were severely punished for it. Haagen felt really sorry for them, stuck in the middle of the Galbadian Desert with nothing to do…Maybe they could head for Fisherman's Horizon or something. Haagen had watched the entire thing with fascination, and after the story's end, he had decided to find the pair and see what they were up to, seeing as they were so similar to the Knights of Pluto. But that was another story, set in another world. For now, Haagen awoke. "Rise and shine, my pretties!" said Marcus cheerfully, far too cheerful for a morning in a dank tunnel inhabited by giant insects, in fact. No use in delaying. They were almost there. Any minute now, they would come across the platform to the dungeons of Alexandria. Just a few more hours and he'll be home…
Meanwhile"Uhh…Mullenkedheim?" asked Dojebon.
"Yes?" replied Mullenkedheim sweetly.
"I, uh, heard you were mad at me and, well… You know…"
"Really? Whatever gave you that idea?" It should be mentioned at this point that Dojebon was nervous not so much because he felt guilty, which of course he did, but because Mullenkedheim was sharpening his hatchet with another one and smiling the predatory smile of a sarcastic Lord Vetinari. Now that he looked harder, perhaps it was more…ironic. No, make that satirical, maybe sardonic, even. But why sardonic when you could just skip right over to being polite at people? "Uum… I…blew my nose in your Sandwich of Conditioners?" ventured Dojebon.
"It's the Sandwich of Condolences, you idiot!" snapped Mullenkedheim, suddenly raising a hatchet in anger. Dojebon yelped and ducked.
"I-I-I'm really sorry!"
"I made that sandwich just for you, but did you appreciate it? No. You blew your nose in it." Somewhere in the city, an orchestra started playing horror music.
"I-I thought it was tissue paper!"
"Really? It must have been really thick tissue paper, then."
"If…" swallow "If it makes you feel any better, I was grateful for it. Heheh…"
"I shall say what the great sandwich master Experiment 625 said before… I will avenge you, my poor cream cheese and wasabe sandwich! YYYAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Mullenkedheim charged.
"Ahh!" Dojebon ran for his life. "Mullenkedheim, no! Please have mercy! Don't you want to think about it a little? I'm your buddy! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" shouted Dojebon in between dodges from swipes of rusty hatchet from Mullenkedheim.
Elsewhere, Laudo and Breireicht were talking. "You don't think Breireicht is too upset, do you?" asked Laudo.
"No, no. We each have our ways of dealing with things. Mullenkedheim just needs to unwind a little, that's all," replied Breireicht. Mullenkedheim and Dojebon ran past the pair, screaming at the top of their lungs. "AAAAAAARRRRRGH!"
"I WILL MAKE A SANDWICH OF REVENGE FROM YOUR MINCED REMAINS!"
"HAVE MERCY!"
"I WILL MARINADE IT WITH YOUR BLOOD!"
"SOMEONE, HEEEELLLLLP!"
"I'LL USE YOUR INTESTINES FOR BREAD!"
"THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!"
"DIE!"
"AAAAAAARRRRRGH!"
"You see? They're getting along just great! Almost just as good as new, now!" said Breireicht merrily. Laudo was frozen in shock from the screeching duo. It was strange. It was new. It was unfamiliar. But through all that, he couldn't believe his ears. He had never heard such good material.
Somewhere not so far away"Woohoo! We're finally here! I'm home! I'm HOME!" shouted Haagen triumphantly. They had climbed onto the Alexandrian platform and entered the dungeons. There was the room where the princess's Eidolons had first been extracted…
The place was almost unscathed from the blast of the Invincible. The ancients had designed the place to withstand enemy attacks, and that meant it had to be well structured and unbreakable. Apparently, it was even good enough to survive the onslaught of enraged souls concentrated by Terran technology. Go ancients thought Haagen.
The party proceeded towards the entrance from the queen's chamber, which had not been so lucky. It took them several hours to pry open a big enough opening to fit through. When they did, though, they were greeted by the melancholy smile of Queen Brahn's clown face. "AAAAAAARRRGH!" they shouted together. After the initial shock of seeing the ghastly painted face of an obese woman, they recovered. "It's just a painting, guys," said Blank.
"For what? Summoning the hordes of darkness?" said Cinna.
"I think it's more useful for warding off evil spirits," said Marcus.
"Hey, cut it out. That's my former queen you're talking about. Granted, she went a bit crazy at the end, but she was a good ruler before that," said Haagen valiantly.
"Let's get started. We can't stay down here all day and chat. We've got a reunion to fulfill," said Blank. They started on the dig to get out of the ruined castle. After several near-fatal accidents and near-accidents almost enough to cause a lethal heart attack, they emerged into the light at the back of the castle.
Done! Please review! Also, thanks to everyone who did review my stories. They are very much appreciated, especially Lucrecia LeVrai's. They make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Thanks! I own your souls. To reclaim them, you must review. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
