If
the Heavens would Cry for Me
The
wind flew freely through my long dark brown strands of hair, the
breeze refreshing myself. The world revolves nonchalantly, never
stopping, every time a tear trickles down someone's cheek. Is it
that my grief doesn't matter? Is it that whenever someone dies, the
heavens don't cry in sorrow? When I leave this world, will people
cry for me? When the time comes, will the clouds release raindrops to
mourn? My heart scrunches up every time I realize that no one on this
planet will give a care when I die. Did God forget to send someone to
love me? Did He forget to give me the ability to smile? Why is it
that everyone walking down the streets with their loved ones have
smiles, while I only hold tears? Why do all these people have parents
while mine are no longer here? Why is it that I am left alone in this
world? The world beholds so many questions, yet no answers.
Standing on top of the tallest building in the city at the very edge of the roof, while spreading out your arms really does feel like flying. In my next life, will you make me a bird so I can fly, God? Will you give me freedom and the will to go wherever I want? In a few seconds, I'll meet you in heaven God; I'll fly down these many storeys and come to you. The sunset is so magnificent and striking; I can see the entire city of Seoul from up here. I've always been afraid of heights, but I'm really curious, does it hurt when you collide with the hard, cold pavement after jumping of a building? The pain will only last for a few seconds, but if I don't do this, I'll be hurt forever. I took one step closer to the edge, taking a deep breath. Closing my eyes, I felt the wind one last time.
"Miss, whatever do you think you are doing? Come back down, it's dangerous!" I heard a voice, a soft tender voice, call as I panicked. "Stay away! This is none of your business!" I shouted, tears threatening to slide down from my eyes any second. "Miss, come down!" he insisted as I waved my arms in front of me. He looked like a very nice guy, frantically nodding his head to encourage me. He had short, black hair with light orange-gold highlights, and was dressed in a t-shirt with baggy jeans. "Go away! I don't need you to care about my existence, take one more step closer and I'll jump down right in front of you!" I yelled with all my might as he looked scared and nervous. My heart screamed in pain, and my head began to spin. My anger has yet again triggered my disease. "Miss…Miss? Someone please help!" I faintly heard his voice calling as I fell into a world of darkness.
My head was throbbing in pain as my eyes slowly fluttered, taking time to adjust to the bright light. Have I died? Is this what heaven looks like, with a bright light guiding me out of the darkness? Suddenly, a shadow hovered above me. "Miss, you've finally waken up! You've slept for a day now!" The guy that I had seen earlier was now smiling happily at me. Squinting my eyes, I attempted to sit up and look around. "I'm not dead after all," I quietly mumbled to myself, seeing that I was in a hospital room with many wires attached to me. The room was small and bright, with the sun glistening through the blinds. "What was that Miss? What would you like? Food, water, are you cold?" he continually asked if I was comfortable or not…he's so kind and sweet, he cares. I just shook my head slowly and notified, "I'm leaving, sorry for the trouble I have caused for you." "What? But Miss, you're very ill at the moment, you must stay! Don't worry, I don't feel burdened at all," he pushed me down back onto the bed as I tried to stand up. "I'll be fine, you may leave now," I don't deserve to be cared for, I feel so awkward when he's nice towards me. He shook his head silently, "I see that you have no family and are really depressed, but your heart is in no condition for you to be walking around right now."
He's right, I have no family and my heart is in no condition for me to be walking around. My parents have died for me; they sacrificed themselves just to keep me alive. My parents love me. Ha, the word love is such a joke; everyone in the world needs love, but why don't I receive love from anyone? My friends betrayed me, I trusted them so much, yet they turned their backs on me. My heart was born weak and useless, is that why I can't love? I picked up the heart disease Coronary Artery Disease, five years ago at the age of thirteen. This disease is normally when a person's diet is unhealthy and causes the arteries to be clogged, but I was unfortunately born with it as it has been a tradition of every girl in the family. Sometimes my heart would fail to pump sufficient amounts of blood to different parts of my body, usually resulting pain and unconsciousness. I know that I don't have much time left. I ask God, what have I done to receive such pain in my life.
"Miss, your name is Tomoyo right?" he asked politely, glancing at my I.D. at the side table. "Yes, and what is your name?" my body felt really weak and talking was even a hard thing for me to do with taking a few breaths in between each word. "Eriol, you have a very nice name!" he always wore a bright smile on his face; a very comforting and warm smile. "Thanks," I looked away, feeling very awkward. "You look really pale and skinny, would you like to drink some soup? I made it especially for you!" he brought a thermos into his hands as I felt touched. I must look like a ghost right now, with my illness and several days of starving myself because of my parents' recent deaths, I have grown so much thinner. "Yes please," I nodded slightly as he smiled and began feeding me, spoon by spoon.
He would blow at the soup to prevent me burning myself. It was delicious, considering that I have not eaten in days. "Eriol, why are you so nice to me? I don't deserve to have you feed and cook for me; we hardly know each other, but why are you so patient as to staying here?" I asked curiously as I finished the soup. "Tomoyo, you seemed so lonely and sad, you need someone to care for you. You remind me so much of my sister who had a disease very much like yours…would you like to be me new sister?" he asked with a gentle smile as my heart dropped one hundred steps. "A…a sister?" I was shocked. Is he not the one that God has sent me to love? We have met for such a short period of time, and yet I feel as if I have known him forever.
As Eriol said, he treated me as his sister. Over the past month, my body has grown weaker, but my love for him has grown greatly. Spiritually, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Everyday he would come and visit me, despite the fact that he has to go to law school. If only I could live everyday like this, if only I wouldn't die. Why is it that when it is finally time for me to go, God sends me someone to love? Why, at this time, must I meet Eriol? My mind is full of questions that I cannot answer. Though I love Eriol more than a brother, he loves me just as a sister.
The doctor says that it would be a miracle if I were alive by the end of the week, so I must spend as much time as I can with Eriol, he's all I have right now…he is my everything. It's just a matter of time now, I could die any minute; any minute, I could be separated from Eriol forever. I have a feeling that today will be the last day, the day that I go up to the heavens. The only way that I'm living right now is because I'm hooked onto so many machines, once I am unhooked, there would not be much time left. Suddenly, the door was creaked open and Eriol stood there, giving me a weak smile. As he was peeling apples for me with a knife, I asked him a question that I hoped he would agree to.
"Eriol …I want to go to the beach," I asked hesitantly, knowing that today will be my last. Tears were trickling down my cheek." But…if you go out of the hospital, you'll die!" he exclaimed as I could slowly see tears forming in his eyes. "I know, I don't want to live in a hospital room knowing that I'm only living because of machines. Please Eriol, this is my last wish," I insisted as it slowly became hard for me to talk loudly. Luckily, the doctor had allowed it because he knew that I would die soon, he knew it. I tried as best I could to hold in my tears and keep a smile on my face for Eriol; I want to leave him a good impression of me.
Together, we left the hospital after I asked a nurse to help me change into a summer dress and put on make-up to make me look the way I was before I became sick. "Tomoyo, you look beautiful today," Eriol choked out, tears gathering in his eyes, I know that he is sad. We got into his car as he drove above the speed limit to hurry up to the beach. "Damn it, why won't this thing go any faster!" he pounded on the wheel as he continued driving fast. He seemed really mad right now, is it because of me?
We finally arrived at the beach and he picked me up and carried me to sit on a rock by the water. I began to feel weaker by the moment. "Eriol, thank you for everything; thank you for fulfilling my last wish, thanks you for caring for me, thank you for visiting me," I whispered as I laid my head on his shoulder, something that I have always wanted to do. "Tomoyo, I thank you too, thank you for meeting me, thank you for giving me such great times," his voice was low, sad.
"Eriol, will you…remember me?" I asked, tears flowing freely down my cheeks. "Of course, I'll always remember you, but please…please don't go," he pleaded as I smiled weakly. "Eriol, do you see the sunset? When you see the sunset, then you'll see me; but please don't think of me too much," I pointed towards the gorgeous sunset, with the sky coloured pink, orange and yellow, reflecting the sun's light. "I'm not sure if I could keep that promise, I'll always think of you...promise me you'll be a happy angel in heaven," he put his arm around my shoulder and kept me warm. "Eriol...I…promise...I love you," I said the three words that I have been trying to say for the past few weeks. "No! Don't go!" he cried out as I began to slowly close my eyes. My heavy eyelids were forcing me to close my eyes; I tried my best to keep them opened. "Sorry Eriol …don't cry, be happy…" I whispered softly into his ear. "Tomoyo, I love you too," he whispered as I smiled my last smile, "Tomoyo!" he screamed out in tears as I could not keep awake any longer.
Although he loved me as a sibling, its okay, as long as I know that he will remember me. God, thank you for sending Eriol to me, he has been my guardian angel and will always be in my heart. Love...I finally understand what love is… Eriol, you are my first and last love. Eriol and Tomoyo will always be together in my heart, whether it is reality or not. Eriol, will we be lovers in our afterlives? Will we have many kids together and live to be one hundred years old? Eriol, be happy without me, always have that smile on your face. I believe in you, I believe that I will never be alone ever again because of you.
Where
are you walking, what are you staring at now?
Eriol
ah, are you walking down the right path? Will you stop staring at me
and move on?
Are
you still chasing that dream, you once told me about?
Do
you still want to become a lawyer and fight for the justice of the
world? I hope you succeed, I'll be by your side forever.
I
loved your face that seemed to tell the future.
Every
time I looked at your face, I felt as if I would know that you would
be there with me forever, even if it isn't possible right now. You
always gave me that warm and cozy feeling.
For
you to protect that dream, I couldn't be with you.
I'm
sorry Eriol, I can't be with you and watch over you. But I'm sure
you'll do well without me right...? Even if I'm crying to see you
once more, you'll move on.
When
you stood here, and watched the scenery, how much worry and
confusion, did you battle with?
When
you see this beach, do you think of me? Please don't think of me,
it's not worth it. Fight your battles and get over me.
I've
learned a lot, from being alone.
Ever
since I was a child, I know how it feels to be alone. Now that I have
left you alone, you will know how much pain I have been going
through.
As
long as you didn't let go of my hand, I felt like I could do
anything.
Just
the touch of your hand makes me feel like God has made a miracle for
me.
When
we walked along the same path, I believed without a single doubt.
If
only we could walk down that path forever, if only I could be with
you, if only I can touch your hand everyday.
But
I...I remember your promise, I remember every day
Everyday
as I sit on the stairs of heaven watching over you, I try to be
happy, I remember your promise...it's just that I can't keep it.
I love you.
