Turbulence of a Lugubrious Suicidal Teenager
It's cold. The outdoor air feels of warmth and heat, but I feel cold. I shiver because my heart pumps bitter blood, not lukewarm blood. As people go outside with short and t-shirts, I stare at them with eyes of envy for my lips turn blue when I try doing so.
Tired of crouching on the ground in the little corner of my miniscule closet in darkness, I flung a thick, worn-out winter jacket around me and walked out the blood stained door of my temporarily rented apartment that was not any bigger than a regular washroom, though hard to afford.
The people were at it again; writing words in blood to threaten the safety of me because of my overdue rent. With a sigh, I made my way down the reeking, stained stairs of the apartment and entered a world filled with people…people that think life is a miracle.
It's lonely. On the streets, people smile, held hands, hugged. On the streets, I walk alone with no one to smile to, no one to hold hands with, no one to hug. Once others catch a glimpse of me, they tend to move away instantly as I much resemble a homeless person, which I am close to being.
My friends only say they are my friends because they pity me, not because they like me. I don't blame them though, I blame myself for possessing such a terrible life. I wouldn't want to actually talk to a person who sells kimbap desperately on the corner of the street if I were them either. I thank them for their pity, I thank them for trying, but I despise them for trying to pretend they enjoy my presence.
Loneliness…do I have friends? No. Do I have family? No…well if you count a whore who sells her body for money and doesn't come home for even two days a week for a mother, then perhaps I do. All I have is God, all I can do is pray…but prayers never get answered do they? Not for me.
It's hard. I want to give up. So many times I ask myself, why do I even bother trying? So many times I grab a knife and threaten to stab my self, but I don't. Why? I have hope…I know I'm stupid, but I have hope. Maybe one day, I can be an average teenager that has the luck of attending school and hanging out with friends. My heart burns with pain, but I try to endure it.
It's hard to live when there's no one to support you, it's hard to live when you receive so much abuse, and it's hard to live when there is no love. After ten years of begging God for an answer, I'm tired. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of working. I want to sleep…forever.
It's life. People stare. They stare but I don't care…because I'm used to it. They stare as I cry my heart out while selling kimbap. They stare, but do they try to help? No. I can sense pity in their eyes but do they help? No. Why? Because it's life. People care about their pride, they care about themselves. If it didn't benefit them, would they do it? No.
Life. Is it happy or sad? Depends—depends if God decides to make you lucky, or unfortunate.
Life. What is it? What's the point of life when you'll end up dying? What's the point of life when everyday it's the same—sleeping, eating, working, crying, stress. Heaven is only one step away, and yet people choose to live.
Are they cowards? Maybe. But then again, if you commit suicide are you a coward? Maybe.
The thing about life is….you'll never know. There's questions, but no answers.
People are people. People can't help it when they're greedy. People can't help it when they are conceited. People can't help it when they are envious. People…what are they exactly?
Life is confusion, life is war, life is a game of chance. Life…what is it exactly? Questions…questions flood my head but there are no answers.
It's death. I admit I'm a coward for running away. I admit that suicide is a sin…but I'm willing to sin. Taking the knife that I have tried to stab myself with so many times before, I took a deep breath. Maybe one of the last times I'll breathe. Seeing a customer arrive, I sold her kimbap. Maybe one of the last ones I'll ever sell. A tear trickled down my cheek. Maybe one of the last tears I'll ever have.
Without hesitation, I stabbed the knife right into my heart. The heart that I hate for making me so cold. It hurts.
It'll only hurt for a little longer though. The pain burned throughout my whole body as I fell from my sitting position from the numbness. I gasped desperately for air as my eyes began to wear out on me. I better take a good look at this street where I've been selling kimbap for years before I leave.
It's time to sleep.
Sleep forever.
Goodbye world.
Hello heaven.
