Please see the first few parts for all disclaimers. Thanks to Jen for the beta and thanks to everyone who is reading this.
Thanks,
Becky
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Part 11
I've been sitting here ever since I sent the email to Sydney two and a half hours ago doing nothing. Well, that's not exactly true. I've stared at the monitor on my desk. I've stared at the phone. I've stared at the desktop. I've played with my pen.
As for doing anything productive, I've done nothing because I just don't know if I'd be helping or hurting the CIA, the real CIA, with what they are about to do. Or at least what I think they are about to do. I drop my pen on the desk in weary disgust. Truth is, I have no idea what is going to happen and waiting to find out is becoming harder by the second.
I can feel the eyes of my co-workers and I realize that my doing nothing is starting to draw attention, so I scoot forward and grab a folder from the pile next to my phone. I place it on the desk and begin shifting papers around, trying to make it look I'm doing something productive.
I stare at page after page, looking at each one just long enough to hopefully make this charade believable. I might be staring at the papers in front of me, but all I can see are the words on the screen that verified everything Sydney told me.
Soon trying to keep up the pretense becomes more trouble than it's worth. I replace the folder and pick up my pen again, slowly rolling it between my fingers. A hand on my shoulder startles me and I look up to see Pat, a sympathetic look on her face. "Is everything okay, Marcus?"
I try to smile, but fail miserably. "Yeah."
"Well if that is the look for okay, I'd hate to see the one when it's not."
This time I manage a weak grin. "Everything's fine. Really."
She nods and she starts to leave, but then she's back and pulling up a chair. "You know, when Tom and I have a fight, I pretty much do what you are doing right now. Especially if it is my fault."
I almost wish it was as simple as a fight with Diane. And I have this feeling that when this is all said and done, there won't be anything simple about a fight with my wife. I shake the thought from my head. "We are supposed to have dinner at her mother's tomorrow night. The kids are both spending the night with friends and I'd just rather stay home, just the two of us, than go to my mother-in-law's for some really bad cooking," I lie, hoping this will placate her and that she will just leave me in peace.
"Go to dinner. Leave early. Rent a movie neither of you wants to see." She gets up, pats me on the shoulder, and manages to go about ten steps before she turns around again. "And flowers. Don't forget the flowers. Lots of them." She smiles and this time she disappears around the corner.
I nod, smiling a small smile despite myself. It sounds like a great plan but there is only one problem. My mother-in-law is in Phoenix for some reason or another and tomorrow night, I somehow doubt I'll be free to make a date with my wife.
.********
We congregate in the bullpen, preparing for Kendall's second briefing in less than three hours. I stand in front with Weiss and Vaughn flanking me. Others fall in behind us as we wait for Kendall to come in.
Sometimes I think the man has a sixth sense because he only walks in after everyone else is in place. Or maybe he just likes making a grand entrance. Whichever it is, he finally strolls in and begins speaking.
As I listen to the words, the plan, the warnings, I alternate between watching Kendall and staring at the floor. When he starts talking about how most of the people at SD-6 are desk trained, I start thinking about Marshall and Dixon. Especially Marshall.
And then I think about all the others that are just as naïve, just as trusting as Marshall. Taylor, Ian, Josh, Sarah, Sam; all of them people I like, all of them innocent pawns on Arvin Sloane's chess board. Just like I would have been – no, like I was - had it not been for Danny.
When Kendall mentions the security team, I have to force myself not to shudder as I think about what members of that team could be doing to my father right now. As he closes by telling us that this is a hazardous job and to do it well, and come home, I wonder how many of the people standing with me right now won't be coming back. And I can only hope that my father is one who will.
Kendall walks away briskly and everyone begins to disperse. I can feel Weiss watching me and I can only wonder what he must be feeling. This is the first time he's been on a mission like this since he returned after having been shot and almost dying. But before I can think of anything to say, he walks away leaving me standing here with Vaughn.
I turn and look at him and I'm sure my expression is one of disbelief. Because no matter how I try to wrap my mind around what is about to happen and what it could mean, this just doesn't seem real. But then I look at his face and I know it is real. Very very real…
.********
I know that this drive to SD-6 has to be as hard for Sydney as waiting in London was for me. My greatest hope is that we aren't too late. She and Jack may not be close, especially after what she discovered a few months back, but I don't know what would happen if she lost him too. And I don't want to find out.
I look out the window, wishing she was anywhere other than here. I know I could have tried to talk her out of coming, but in the end, it would only have been a waste of time and breath. Even though we didn't really have the conversation, I know she would have pointed out that she knows the layout of the building better than anyone going in. She knows where to expect problems. She also would have said that she knows, or at least has a damn good idea, where they would be keeping Jack. So here we sit.
While I know she will be our most valuable asset in this raid, not forcing her to stay behind is probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Then again, the only thing that has been easy in this whole damned mess has been being there for her, comforting her, holding her. I just hope that when this is all said and done, I won't have to let her go.
I look around at the buildings and I realize, from my one and only trip to SD-6, that we don't have much farther to go. Images of the past twenty-four hours assault me and I have to look over at Sydney to remind myself that all of that is in the past.
I hear her sigh and I reach over, grasping her hand in mine. She looks at me and squeezes mine back in response. I can tell she's apprehensive about what is about to happen and she's not alone. I smile back at her, trying to silently convey my hope that everything will, in fact, be okay. She smiles, but it's fleeting and then she turns away.
I watch her reflection in the window for a moment before I move my hand under her chin, forcing her gently to look at me. "Are you sure you can do this?"
Her expression clouds and she tries to look away again, but I don't let her. "Syd?"
"It's not a matter of can, Vaughn. I don't have a choice. I have to do this."
"No, Syd, you don't have to do this. No one is going to think anything less of you if you don't go in."
"That's not true."
I think she can see that I'm about to ask the others for their opinion on the subject but she stops me before I can utter one word. "You might be right. They might not think any less of me. But what about what I think of myself? I've worked so hard for this, Vaughn. I've sacrificed so much for this. I have to see it through."
"I know."
She turns her gaze back to the window. A moment later, her head drops slightly. "Vaughn," she begins quietly, "do you think he's still alive?"
I know what she wants to hear. I know she wants me to reassure her, to tell her that, yes, Jack will be fine, but I'm not going to lie to her. "I want to tell you that yes, he's alive; that he's fine, but we just have no way of knowing right now. Given the fact that they want you as well, my gut feeling is that he is."
She nods quickly, refusing to look at me. Again, I turn her to face me. "If he is, we'll get him out."
A sad smile flits across her face. She looks like she's about to say something when here eyes go wide.
"What? What's wrong?"
"We're here."
