I don't know how many times I've dreamed of this moment. The end of SD-6. After I found out the truth, I would fantasize about it. Fantasize about placing handcuffs around Arvin Sloane's wrists, making them just a little tighter than necessary. I could hear the cell door lock. I could imagine him looking back at me, knowing that I had betrayed him. And I could finally put it all behind me.
After the first year, I couldn't allow myself to dream about it any more. But still, on those long flights home from whatever mission Sloane had sent me on, fatigue would get the better of me and the dreams would surface. To taunt and torment.
They would show me all the things that life might be without the lies that made up my life now. They would show me having fun with Will and Francie, real fun without the fear of something bad happening to them just because they know me. And there was always Vaughn.
And then the dreams would shift, allowing the nightmares free reign. I'd see Sloane standing over the lifeless bodies of my father and my friends. I'd imagine Vaughn, bruised and bleeding, cursing me for ruining his life. And worse yet, I'd see Sloane let him go. And instead of letting me be the one to comfort him, to tend to his wounds, he would go to Alice.
I could see myself standing outside a church, watching as the man I loved married someone else. See him smiling at her the way he'd sometimes smiled at me. See him holding the child that should be ours but never would be. And through all of that, Sloane would be by my side, reminding me that everything that had happened to Danny, to my father, to Francie, to Will, and even to Vaughn had all been my fault.
I'd wake up from those nightmares to find myself still on a plane, Dixon asleep beside me. I'd stare out the window after that, refusing to allow myself to go back to sleep. And when the plane would touch down, the first thing I'd do when I knew it was safe would be to call Vaughn. Just the sound of his voice would calm me. And when the call from Joey's Pizza came later in the day, I'd find myself rushing to the warehouse. As he'd wrap his arms around me, I could let myself believe everything would be alright. That for one more day, I'd be able to continue this crazy existence that is my life.
But amidst the chaos that surrounds me, the only part of this that's right is Vaughn. The feeling of his arms around me, holding me close. The taste of his lips as they finally meet mine. The texture of his hair as I allow myself the luxury of running my fingers through it. That part is right. Everything else is wrong.
Dixon and Marshall have been led out in handcuffs, both of them looking at me like they don't know who I really am. My father is being tended to by the medics. I can't even think about how close I was to losing him. I just can't because if I do, I'll fall apart and I don't know that even Vaughn would be able to gather the pieces. All of this is wrong, but the worst of it is the fact that Sloane isn't here. He isn't in handcuffs on his way to a federal jail cell. He isn't lying wounded on the floor. He isn't dead.
He's out there somewhere.
Free.
And I don't know that he'll ever be anything else.
br/br*br/br
I feel her tense in my arms and I pull back just enough to see her face. "Syd? What is it?"
She just shakes her head, resting it on my shoulder. As I slowly stroke her hair, I notice for the first time that we've had an audience. I knew that Weiss had been here, but when I see Jackson, Phillips, McKenna, Boyd, and Chandler leering at us, I want to be pissed. I know I should be pissed. But I don't really care. I just kissed her.
I kissed Sydney Bristow.
In front of people.
And none of them are trying to kill us.
I glance around; the smug grin on my face has them all shaking their heads and moving away. The grin dissolves quickly as I realize for the first time that Sydney is shaking. I wrap my arm around her tightly, guiding her to a chair that looks reasonably stable.
She goes into it willingly. Too willingly. I gently lift her chin, and when my eyes meet hers the tears begin to fall. I hadn't asked before if she'd found Jack. It hadn't occurred to me; I was too relieved to see her to give any thought to anything else. It's then I realize that I saw paramedics go down the same hall she had, but I hadn't seen them come back through.
My voice is quiet when I ask if she found her father.
The tears fall faster, harder now. Again she nods her head.
I pull her close as sobs wrack her tired frame. "I'm so sorry, Syd. So sorry."
"It's not supposed to be like this."
I hold her a little tighter. "I know." I rest her head on my shoulder. "I know," I whisper.
A moment later she's out of my arms, angrily pacing the room. "It's not right, Vaughn. He should have been here. What's it all for if he's still out there?"
I want to reassure her that Sloane will be brought in, but I won't lie to her. And I won't promise something that may never happen. "Syd, we'll do our best to find him. You know that."
"But at what cost?" She stops her pacing, standing in the middle of the room, wires and cables hanging haphazardly around her, papers littering the floor beneath her feet. "Who else will have to die before this all ends?"
I go to her, quickly wrapping my arms around her. "I don't know. But Syd, I have to believe it will end. I need you to believe that too."
"I want to Vaughn, but…" I silence her protestation with a quick kiss. And then a longer one.
"You guys are still at it?"
Sydney tries to pull away, but I won't let her go, angling her to my side so that we can both face Weiss.
"I don't suppose either of you heard me when I told you that we kicked ass tonight, did you?"
I give Sydney a quick, reassuring squeeze. "How bad were the casualties?"
"We've lost a few people. I don't really know more than that. Hang on." He pauses briefly before he continues. "Syd, that was the paramedics. They'll be bringing Jack out in a minute. Do you want to wait and go out with him, or would you like to go on out and wait at the ambulance?"
Before I can say anything, Sydney speaks up. "Did they say how he's doing now?"
"Yeah, they've got him stabilized. But I think you already know he's in pretty bad shape."
Sydney just nods her head. "I think I'll go and see if there is anything I can do to help."
My arm drops to my side as she moves back across the room, disappearing through the door. "Jack's alive?"
"Yeah. What you didn't think he was?"
"Well the way Sydney was acting, I wasn't sure. I guess I just assumed the worst."
"Assumed or hoped?"
I'm too stunned to speak. That he could actually think I'd hope that Jack was dead… I'm about to finally say something when the door opens and I see the paramedics come forward carrying the stretcher.
Weiss and I move to open the doors before we join Sydney who was following behind them. I move closer to her and place my arm loosely around her waist. When we get out to the parking garage, I hold her back before she can go to the ambulance.
"Vaughn, I have to go."
"I know." I give her a quick kiss. "When I'm done, I'll meet you in medical services."
She nods and starts toward the ambulance, but she turns back. "Tell Kendall to go easy with Marshall. And Dixon. They…"
She's interrupted by one of the paramedics. "Agent Bristow, we really need to get going."
"Okay." I'm surprised when she runs over and gives me a quick kiss before running back to the ambulance.
I watch her turn back before she gets in. "Vaughn…"
I know what she's going to say. "Don't worry. I'll take care of it."
A relieved smile crosses her beautiful face and she jumps up into the ambulance.
I watch as they drive away. I don't know how long I stand there before Weiss comes back over, telling me that we're ready to go. I glance behind me as we move toward to rest of the team. Eric is saying something, but I'm not paying attention. I can only think about something Sydney said. And I only hope that the answer to her question is no one.
tbc…
