The Sparrow's Burden

8

She could not recall a time when she had been more wrong. It had been a week since the destruction of the lizard monster. Robin's arm had healed from his confrontation with Sparrow, but Raven had not. In fact, she was far worse.

Although she successfully avoided Starfire's company, Raven's love for her did not subside. Raven found herself involuntarily gazing at her from a distance. She stayed awake yearning for her. The brief periods she slept, her dreams were only of the girl she secretly held so dear. The unattainable visions of the two of them being together were torture on Raven's troubled mind. Every morning brought more weight and anguish than Raven felt she could deal with. So consequently, she had stopped sleeping altogether.

Even Raven's meditation could not heal her, for she lost the ability to do so. Every time she tried to clear her mind, she saw Starfire. There was no focus anywhere else, and had to awaken before she began to fall apart. Raven had never gone more than a few days without meditation, and she could only begin to guess what a mess her mental state was in.

Starfire, it seemed, was doing fine. She had fallen into the net of the boys, and almost seemed to forget about Raven. Raven was sure seeing Starfire happy would help her own healing, but it only added to her sadness by adding to her dark curiosity. Countless "what if" questions surfaced in Ravens' mind. If things were different, could the two girls be together? Could Starfire ever see Raven as more than just a friend? If Raven could not give her love to Starfire, could she give it to another? Would she want to? They were questions that would never be answered, not fully.

What pained Raven more than watching Starfire from a distance was sharing and rejecting her pleas for amends. These had seemed to subside in recent days, but in the time following the battle, Starfire had attempted to reconcile with Raven many times. Doing things like hugging her, helping her with chores, and writing some terrible sonnets of forgiveness. The hugs were blocked, the help was rejected, and the poems were thrown out. Raven did so with the most tactless attitude she could muster, but secretly,
she cherished every touch and every sheet of paper Starfire gave to her, as bad as the writing was. Raven stopped emptying out her trash can because it had become her forbidden treasure chest.

Knowing only rejection, Starfire never grew angry with Raven. She did not even appear irritated, her reactions were of optimism that her next attempt would be better. This did not help Ravens' cause in the slightest, and she waited for the day Starfire would finally have enough and give up. Although she seemed to be running out of ideas, Raven knew it would be a long time before Starfire admitted defeat.

The pain within Raven had grown into something else. As she began to accept that she and Starfire would never be able to share more than they had now, Raven felt empty. Numb.

No, it was more than empty. Raven had lost her purpose. Her motivation for fighting or even getting up in the morning had withered away. Now Raven not only stayed in her room, she stayed in her bed, even though no sleep came to her. Raven began to miss combat practice, she missed meals, her skin grew even more pale from the lack of sunlight. There was nothing for her.

She did not even see the other Titans enough to know if they were concerned about her. They knew better than to disturb Raven in her room, and since they saw her from time to time heading to the bathroom or laundry room, they saw that she was physically fine.

It was now late into the evening and the team was at a show. "Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons" had been a movie Cyborg and Beast Boy were hounding the others to see. They had asked Raven to join them, but like all outings in the past week, she politely declined from behind her closed door.

Raven walked about the darkened hallways of Titan's Tower, taking advantage of the brief time where there was no danger of seeing the girl who made her heart jump. Raven wondered what Starfire was thinking right now. Was she having fun? Perhaps she was laughing at something in the movie. Perhaps something had startled her and she now buried her face into a nearby shoulder. Was she thinking of whom she left behind? Maybe...

Raven walked through the doorway into the lounge. She stopped. It was so unbearably quiet. Only a few lights were on, the TV and stereo system quietly hung in lack of duty. Raven hated the quiet. There was nothing to drown her thoughts, and her thoughts drifted. They wandered to where they always did, but this time, they seemed louder.

Starfire, she was laughing. Sitting on the sofa, her eyes drifted to and from the blank TV. She was not just sitting, she was interacting with someone. Talking without care to a girl beside her. The girl closed the tiny gap between them as she too spoke, and Raven saw herself with total clarity. Starfire laughed once more, and lowered the mood when she rested her head on Raven's shoulder. Raven felt every fiber of her hair, smelt the sweet vanilla-raspberry of her shampoo, and even quivered at the gentle breaths rolling off her chest. She turned her head only slightly to see the beautiful girl, her eyes were closed. Ravens' cheeks flushed and her lips twitched with longing. Flexing them ever so softly, she brought them to press against the top of her love's head.

But her kiss met nothing. Raven was still standing in the doorway. The hallucination of Starfire ran its' course and faded, and Raven returned to her unbearable reality. The strain was too much, and she collapsed. Weeping as softly as she did with all the other hallucinations, and never growing accustomed to the pain.

At the sound of a soft step, Raven shot her stiffened gaze behind her down the dim hallway. There, not eight feet from her, stood her leader. "If you wanted to see the movie so badly..." Robin said, seeing the tears.

"Robin?" She confirmed as she frantically wiped away the salty liquid on her face. "I thought you guys were out." Raven turned her face away from him, knowing that her anguish could not be hidden so quickly.

"It sounded like a dumb movie," he shrugged. "You know, they're all still waiting for me to come back with the snacks."

Raven forced herself to laugh. Robin smiled with her and continued. "I've really needed to talk with you for a while. I thought I should probably wait until you're feeling better, but it looks like . . ." Robin stopped short of stating the obvious, that Raven seemed like her body was shutting down. "Remember Sparrow? That guy we fought on the chapel?" Raven nodded. "I'm afraid he died last week."

Raven looked at him as though she were surprised. "I was with him when it happened, he did it to himself." Raven did not need to act surprised learning that, her shock came naturally. She figured Sparrow had been killed. "Look..." Robin was searching for words, and Robin never had trouble with those. "He said some things about you, things I know he knows. Raven, he was trying to warn me about you."

"What..?"

"I'm not about to take his word over yours," he assured. "But Raven, I know your emotions are powerful. If you have something to tell me..."

"I'm fine," Raven snapped. If she answered more gently, Robin might have let it go, but he always seemed very in tune with psychological cover-ups.

"Really?" There was a pause as he observed Raven's composure. "Why are you crying, Raven?" Raven did not answer. "Why don't we ever see you anymore?" Again,
no answer. Now becoming frustrated at her defiance, Robin unearthed what Raven thought she hid so well. "What's going on with you and Starfire?"

"Stop!" The sound of her name was sharp, and Raven cringed at it.

Robin held himself. He was getting both of them upset. "Missing meals is one thing. Whatever's happening with you, I can't have it endangering the team. So talk about it, or deal with it, Alright?"

Robin's tone was of quiet reprimand, and if there was something Raven didn't like from her friends, it was a lecture. "Yes," she fixed an icy glare at him, followed by the word she knew Robin despised. "...Sir."

The boy scowled and briskly turned to leave. Raven shook her head in regret. Robin did not deserve that, she was taking out her repressed feelings on him, and he was only doing his job. "Robin," she called out. He turned around. Raven took her time with her next word, making sure there was nothing but sincerity in her voice. "I'll handle it. You don't need to worry about me or the others."

Robin nodded, accepting her hidden apology. He continued on his exit path, but was stopped once more by Raven calling his name.

Seeing him stare expectantly at her, Raven was not sure if she should withhold her question. It was innocent enough, at least it would have been if it were about someone else. But since she and Robin were the only ones here, she may not get another chance. "...How's Starfire doing?"

Robin did not seem to think about the answer at all. "She misses you," he said,
and turned to leave. Raven wondered if she should ask more, like how Robin knew how Starfire felt. Was Starfire talking about it? Hopefully she was, that would help her along.

But who was going to help Raven? She could not simply continue like this. The door closing behind Robin was the last sound before Raven returned to silence, and her doubts festered in her head once more. She thought of why Robin chose to see her alone. Were his fears justified? Maybe Sparrow learned something about her she did not know, or would not admit to. True, she could not meditate anymore, and that could mean anything might happen. Raven had gone on the defensive with Robin simply because she was not sure.

And what about Starfire? Raven's feelings for her were only growing stronger,
and were beginning to drive her mad. Try as she did, she could not shut herself away completely, and every time the two crossed paths, Raven's love unearthed itself even more. It would not be long before Starfire discovered the truth for herself, she was very smart, and she was not going anywhere.

No, unless something happened, Starfire would always be near. Raven would never get over her unless she did something drastic, something that would ensure she never saw her love again.

>

Starfire continued to remove popcorn kernels from her hair as she flew from the theatre. She now knew how unwise it was to hold a bucket full of light food morsels when one is easily startled. The movie was not a film of relaxation, and not one she particularly enjoyed.

She was now in flight back to the tower, without the accompaniment of Cyborg or Beast Boy. Starfire thought it best, telling the boys the brisk wind would help clean the greasy snacks from her hair and clothing. But within her was a desire to be alone. It was not a wish that surfaced itself often, for she did not like being without those she cared for,
but it was one she often listened to.

It was not the cinema that had upset her, although it was fairly upsetting. Starfire had gone with hopes of forgetting her recent distance with Raven, and now returned disappointed. Closing her eyes and covering her ears through the entire show gave her time to ponder. Raven was once a friend. No, she was more than that. The correct word escaped Starfire, she was not even sure a proper English word existed. "Best friend" did not seem true.

Friends came and went, even best friends. However, the thought of her life in the absence of Raven was painful. Starfire had so much yet to tell her, things she felt she could not tell Robin, whom she considered her "best friend".

The night above the clouds made her think that someone else saw all the beauty of the world as she did. Most humans, having grown from birth here, took such things for granted, and could never understand how she saw them.

Not Raven. Raven was feeling exactly as she felt that night, as though everything was new to her. Starfire saw it in her eyes and in her concealed tears. Although she hid it well, Starfire had seen Raven beginning to weep just as Starfire had done her first night of seeing the stars.

There were other incidents as well. Raven's touch, it was so eager. Raven was not an affectionate person, and when she answered Starfire's touch with a soft touch of her own, it was precious. It moved Starfire in a way that no physical contact from anyone else could have. A stroke of the hand or a press on the shoulder was more intimate from Raven as the deepest embrace or kiss from any other.

Starfire knew these things were so special because they came from Raven only to her. What was puzzling was why Raven chose to share them with Starfire. Raven never made contact with the other team members, never talked to them the way she talked to Starfire. Then again, Starfire never talked to them the way she talked to Raven The two shared something unspoken, something Starfire treasured.

But surely, Raven's displays were better shared with one of more significance. Such things were not easy to obtain, and Starfire knew that being a good friend would not be enough to obtain them from Raven. They would be seen with a boy she had a romantic interest in perhaps, one she would grow to love. Starfire did not meet this criteria, nor could she.

Could she? Was she so certain what requirements one must possess to win Raven's love?

Starfire's thoughts forced her to halt in the middle of her flight. Her mind had been dancing with her troubles since the theatre, and now she nearly crossed the water to Titan's tower. The trip was one of deep thought, and with this seemingly outlandish idea,
some things began to make sense.

Why Raven shifted so dramatically, Starfire did not know. She did not know many things about the girl. She knew, however, Raven considered unrestrained emotions a hazard. Starfire was warned in her early days on the team to be cautious of what she said and did around Raven, and had since seen many dire examples of what could happen when she lost control.

But feelings are profound and complicated things. To store them or deny them completely must have been a tremendous hardship. And what feeling was as powerful and all consuming as love?

Starfire wondered; had Raven ever known love? Love changes people, Starfire was fully aware. She knew what signs to observe because of her strong embracing of her own emotions. She never thought of observing Raven, however. Perhaps Starfire could remember of what she had seen in passing.

Raven had never spoken of one whom she loved, nor had she shown signs of being in love.

Not until recently.

The understanding caused Starfire to both blush and gasp. Raven was in love, and it was very likely with Starfire herself. Shock and embellishment filled Starfire, but to her surprise, there came little discomfort. Though the two were of the same gender, such a pairing was not unheard of on Tamaran, and especially not on Earth.

More importantly, the girl who loved her was Raven. The notion was not displeasing, Starfire was certain she loved Raven also. She loved her as she loved the other Titans or her close family. Starfire was slightly remorseful that she did not feel the same way. It was likely not the same strength of emotion as Raven felt for her, and would probably remain so.

The traumatic alteration in Ravens' composure caused Starfire to think that Ravens' feelings were no more. Starfire had still not uncovered how she had wronged Raven, but Ravens' feelings seemed now of loathing. Starfire was kept at a significant distance, which was not something people in love did to one another.

Those in love protected each other. They would sacrifice their happiness and their lives for the other. It was what Raven was prepared to do against Mandibore. Was it what she was doing now? If Raven's emotions were as dangerous as she warned, then unconfined love could be a catastrophe.

That was it. It must have been the answer Starfire sought. Raven denied her love because she thought it may put Starfire at risk of harm. Starfire could not be certain, not without speaking to Raven, but nothing else made sense.

Love could not be contained, not for long. Starfire knew this to be true and Raven clearly did not. She never delt with being in love before, and Raven was dealing with it the only way she knew how. There was no one to help her.

If only Starfire was right, Raven could be assisted with her burden. Starfire would confront her with her suspicions when she reached the tower. The two girls would talk,
and everything would be set right.

Well, not everything. Starfire did not share Ravens' feelings, and conveying that to Raven would break her heart. But that matter was not Starfire's primary concern at the moment. It would be delt with in time.

Hope in her heart, Starfire continued on to Titans' Tower.

>

Starfire was surprised but glad Raven was waiting for her on the helipad as she landed. Raven was vailed under her hood, and did not move to greet the girl. She simply lingered between Starfire and the door and waited for Starfire to come to her.

"Raven," Starfire smiled, slowly closing the few meters that remained between them. "It is good to see you outside of your room."

Raven did not respond. She did not speak, she did not smile, she did not bat an eye. Raven only continued to monitor Starfires' walk. "Are you well?" Starfire asked.

At last, Raven answered, though it was not an answer Starfire wished to hear. "No," she said, still not moving a muscle. "Starfire, I need to tell you something."

Starfire stopped within arms' reach of Raven. She nodded in understanding, but decided it best not to touch her yet. "I know..."

"I'm leaving the Teen Titans"

Starfire took a step back, feeling as though she had been struck in the abdomen. This was not right. Had she heard correctly? Raven was quitting? No. She could not leave, she could not flee from this.

Raven did not move, her unpleasant surprise had been delivered with no emotion,
no conviction, and no remorse. A long moment passed before Starfire was able to respond, and it was barely audible. "What?"

"I thought you should know. I'll be gone by tomorrow afternoon, and I don't want any goodbyes." Starfire shook her head in denial. "I think it would be best if I just... left."

"You... cannot!" Starfire lunged at Raven, clasping her hands tightly within hers. "Raven," She pleaded. "You must not go. You are needed here. I" Starfire stopped herself, as she thought about what she was about to reveal. "...The team needs you."

"Starfire," Raven was peering down at their intertwined fingers, but made no effort to free herself. "I'm leaving for the team. It's for the best, you must understand."

She then looked Starfire in the eye and gave a apologetic smile. Starfire craved to see more of the face of the girl who would soon go. With no objection from Raven, she placed her hand on Raven's hood and slowly pulled it away. Raven only continued to smile, but now the moonlight seemed to light up her face. Starfire saw no sign of the girl that had once told her to never come near. Now there was only her compassion, a true belief she was doing the right thing.

Raven was gorgeous. Starfire had never noticed it before, but seeing her smile in the silver light took her breath away. It pained her that Raven was making this choice because of Starfire. There would not be another time to talk of her feelings. "I understand many things. I understand the emotions you carry with you."

As though she had taken offence, Raven pulled her hands away. She shifted from loving to defensive. "You can't possibly know..."

"I do! I know and I wish to help."

"You can't help," Raven shot back. "You're the problem!"

Starfire was not offended by the comment, for she knew what it truly meant. Raven turned away, seeing what it was that Starfire understood. No doubt remained within either of them, Raven was in love with Starfire.

Raven would be swayed again. "I have to go." She began for the door, moving so briskly it was almost a jog.

"Raven..." Starfire called to her, Raven did not slow down. Starfire trembled at the thought that this would be the last she saw of the girl. As though she was fast-forwarding a film, her memories flooded back. Starfire thought of everything that made the girl so special to her. Perhaps it was the night above the clouds or all the time they spent alongside each other. But what stayed in Starfire's mind was Raven's beautiful face, the one she had seen not a moment ago. It was a terrible thought of never looking upon it again.

"Raven!" Again, Raven shut her out. At the moment Starfire could not be sure why she said what she said next. Perhaps she thought it would do well in halting Raven. It may have been how she truly felt. What was important is that at Starfire's trailing words, Raven stopped.

"Raven, I love you." She did not think she spoke very loudly, but she was clearly heard. Less than a meter from the door, Raven turned around with disbelief in her eyes.

The emotions swelled within Starfire. Seeing Raven's face once more, even at this distance, was a blessing. She did not know before, but Starfire now realised the sincerity of her words. The grim idea of a future without Raven was quickly coming together, and it caused her sorrow the likes of which she had never experienced. Starfire did not want this to be reality, but more than that she wanted Raven to return to her. She wanted another chance to touch her.

So she said it again. "I love you."

The time that passed seemed to linger between them. Neither girl moved or spoke. Starfire had just bore her soul to Raven, telling her what she knew the very moment she herself discovered it. There was true love between them, and if Raven would only return, Starfire could show what it meant to her.

But Raven did not. She broke her bewildered watch as she callously tossed on her hood. "No you don't," Raven turned back to the door and marched in. "No matter what you think, don't ever say that again."

The door closed behind her, and Raven did not return. Starfire remained, not knowing what to do to calm the sadness that paralysed her. There was no mistaking what she felt, not this time. Starfire spoke once more, releasing the weight of the words in a soft utterance. "I love you, Raven."