Title: Sarcasm Will Get You Nowhere

Author: Anchovy Eater

Rating: PG-13

Characters: Rúmil and Haldir

Warning: Drivel alert! I know this is complete nonsense that is totally irrelevant and silly, but I hope it makes you laugh and that is it's only purpose, so here it goes . . .

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, Tolkien does, but I am writing a story just for fun and do not intend to make any financial gain.

Beta: diablerouge136

Timeline: AU

Notes: It is obvious that I do not know what I am doing. Please excuse my stupidity.

Summary: Rúmil was tired of being on the fences.

Keeping the other wardens in check is a task that Haldir relishes. He demands full commitment. His brothers are no exception to the rule. If anything, he holds them more accountable for their actions. A tendency which Rúmil finds quite annoying and extremely unfair. Be that as it may, wardens MUST ALWAYS conduct themselves in the appropriate manner and give their undying loyalty to Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn. They are sworn to protect all who live in Lothlórien.

Fence duty can be long, and wardens, just like typical elves, must 'entertain' themselves at times to thwart off sexual urges. Rúmil, however, desires the 'real' thing and goes to Haldir to ask for time off from the fences.

Rúmil approaches Haldir, clears his throat and looks directly at him, "Haldir, I would like to request a leave from the fences."

Haldir raises his chin, looks distastefully down his nose and replies in his haughty voice, "And why should I permit this?"

"For personal reasons," Rúmil answers firmly.

"For 'personal reasons'? And what is so personal that you must leave the fences and not protect all who live in Lothlórien who you have sworn to protect until your death?" glares Haldir with nostrils flaring.

"Well, I've been on the fences for months and I can't go that long without sex," objects Rúmil.

Haldir narrows his eyes and looks sternly at his younger brother, "Most wardens masturbate during prolong periods at the fences."

"Well, that is NOT the way I do things," Rúmil interrupts.

Haldir crosses his arms impassively and puts his face inches from Rúmil's, "60 of the wardens masturbate. 54 say they masturbate at least once a day. 41 of the wardens say they feel guilty masturbating that often."

Rúmil swallows and says, "So where does that leave you?"

Haldir comes thoroughly unglued. "DO NOT COME TO ME ASKING TO LEAVE FOR PERSONAL REASONS!" Rumil is thoroughly cowed.

"Well, for what reasons can you take leave?" Rúmil asks timidly.

"There are only two acceptable excuses for leave: a certifiable medical excuse and a death in the immediate family."

"But what about extreme sexual frustration?" wails Rúmil.

Haldir snorts, "Well, in that case, I guess you'll just have to learn how to use your sword with your other hand."

The end.