As the car stopped at a crossing, she watched the people in a little coffee shop as they talked and laughed, their carefree attitudes making her feel like she was being stabbed in the heart. She used to be like that. Long before she was chosen.
Now things could never be that way again.
She was irrevocably changed.
Forever.
She closed her eyes and heaved a long sigh. Something brushing against her leg made her open her eyes and she saw Spike's hand resting there, soothing away the pain in her heart and making the world seem a little less harsh.
She knew he felt bad about telling her, but she couldn't hold it against him. In a small way it had already allowed her to take the first step towards accepting who she really was. She could never be normal and she saw that now, she'd been acting the fool for the past four years.
It wasn't a job.
It wasn't a task that she could just ignore like it was her homework.
It was her destiny.
She was the Slayer.
She wasn't a normal girl. She had never been a normal girl. The way she saw it now was that she was chosen from birth, a potential that had been always destined to be a Slayer from the second she came into the world. This was her destiny and she had to accept it.
It didn't mean that it didn't hurt, though; the knowledge that her power came from the demon world, that the Slayer in her wasn't as human as she had always thought it was.
Staring down at the large hand that was resting on her thigh she swallowed down the tears that had started to form in her eyes. The thought of parting from Spike seemed more painful to her than the knowledge of what she really was. She couldn't be angry with him for telling her who she was, but she could certainly be angry with him for leaving her.
She turned her head to look at him and found he was watching her. Letting her eyes meet his for a split second, she read the pain in his and then turned her head away from him and looked out of the window.
Spike removed his hand as he suppressed the desire to sigh. He'd seen the tears in her eyes and knew that they weren't about what he'd told her-they were about what he was doing.
Pressing his foot down on the accelerator, he turned left down the long road that led to Giles' apartment.
Buffy listened to the breaks squeak slightly as the car stopped. She didn't want to look up. She could tell by the way the atmosphere inside his old Desoto had grown heavy that they were outside Giles' place.
"Pet…" Spike turned slightly on the seat so he was facing her, his arm resting gently on the steering wheel as he reached out towards her with his other hand. He let it run lightly over her hair as she remained facing forwards, her body rigid and her eyes fixed on the end of the bonnet. "…Buffy?"
She let her eyes fall to rest on her hands where they were sitting in her lap.
"Spike?" The sound of her voice shocked her; she sounded so frail and shaky. A week ago she wouldn't have been like this, she would have gotten straight out of the car and left him there to deal with whatever was happening between them. She would've dealt with her emotions swiftly and returned to her life. A good night's patrol would have been all she needed to get past this feeling inside her.
It was wrong.
She knew that deep inside but it didn't seem to make a difference to her heart. It seemed to ignore all reason and tell her that his leaving was a bad thing.
A very bad thing.
She felt like she couldn't breathe as his fingers brushed against her shoulder-she could feel them through the material of his shirt. Part of her couldn't believe that he hadn't asked for it back, he was letting her keep it and she felt that in a way she was keeping a part of him. She swallowed hard to force the tears back down.
She couldn't cry.
If she cried then that meant she had accepted her feelings for him, whatever they were, and that his leaving was actually hurting her.
If she didn't cry, then she didn't care that he was going.
She didn't care.
Spike frowned as a single tear fell from her lashes, bounced off her cheek and made a small dark spot on the red shirt she was wearing. He could see her struggling to contain her emotions. He could feel it-the turmoil, the pain, and the hurt. He could feel it like it was his own.
"I have to go." She said with quiet resolution and felt his hand slip from her shoulder.
"I know." Spike watched her fingers as they slowly opened the door. "Buffy…"
"Yes?" She turned her head to face him, her expression cold and clinical as she met his eyes.
"I don't know what to say." Spike blinked at her.
"Neither do I."
"I never meant…I'm sorry I did that to you…sorry I left you when I shouldn't have…sorry really doesn't cover it, does it?"
"I don't think it does…" She smiled, putting on a brave face and hiding the conflict inside her as she tried to sound like she used to. "…Still…it could've been worse. You could've killed me."
Spike felt the words stab him in the heart, part of him wishing she'd just staked him instead, because the way she'd said it had sounded so cold that his hope of her feeling anything towards him had shattered.
"Guess I could've…" He smirked at her to cover the pain and watched her get out of the car.
Buffy closed her eyes and let her head hang forwards as she built up the strength to shut the car door.
It seemed so final.
A sudden end to whatever they'd had, killing it point blank before it had the time to turn into anything significant. Nothing more than a passing fancy, a fleeting moment of togetherness.
She looked at the car and her hand where it still held the door.
To close it now was like snapping the fragile bond between them.
Her fingers trembled, her whole being aching to be back with him, to get in the car and just tell him to shut up and drive, to take her with him wherever he was going.
Instead, she shut the door.
Listened to the engine rev into life.
Watched him drive away.
She didn't move until she couldn't see him anymore.
Then she stayed staring in the direction he'd gone until she got too cold to stand outside.
Walking into the courtyard of Giles' apartment, she wrapped her arms about herself.
She felt cold.
Weak.
Alone.
She stared blankly at the door to Giles' place, the little windows illuminated by warm light. It should have been a comforting sight, but it wasn't; it filled her with a strange dread that made her want to run back to the road and after Spike. She moved slowly forwards, taking small steps that seemed ever increasingly hard. With every movement towards the door, she felt like she was growing colder, emptier, until she reached it and she felt like a void again. She knocked quietly, part of her hoping that no one would hear her and she could just disappear again. She knew there were going to be questions, ones that she didn't want to answer because her friends would draw conclusions that she wouldn't be able to counter.
The door swung open.
She stared blankly ahead as a pair of arms were flung around her and held her tightly.
"Buffy!" Willow held her friend as she breathed a long sigh of relief-it had been almost two weeks since she'd disappeared.
"Buffy?" Giles' voice sounded from inside and she closed her eyes, letting her tears slide down her cheeks as her heart ached over what Spike had told her.
Finding herself being led into the living room, she frowned at the brightness of it. It made the world seem harder when it was lit so harshly and she longed for the low light of Spike's bedroom. She moved slowly around the room and dimmed all the lights, ignoring the way her friends watched her with confusion reigning on their faces.
She looked at them all as they stood opposite her, the couches acting like a great divide as she stood on the other side of the room. They seemed different now, all of them so much weaker in her eyes and none of them knowing what to say to her.
Buffy looked down at her clothes and sighed. She could still smell him all over them, his aftershave and cigarette smoke offering her small comfort.
"What happened?" Willow came forwards a few steps, tentatively bridging the gap between Buffy and her friends.
"I…" She didn't know what to tell them. She couldn't mention Spike or they would go after him. She had to buy him time to get away to LA, or wherever he was heading. "I don't remember much…I fell down a hole while running from a vampire…think I bumped my head."
She could see in their eyes that they weren't buying her story, they were all looking down at her clothes and then at each other.
"I'll get you some tea, it'll make you feel better." Willow smiled warmly and looked over at Giles. He returned her smile and walked around into the kitchen.
"I really don't remember much…I remember something, though…" Buffy watched Giles' back closely as he filled the kettle. "About Slayers and three men…and a demons heart."
The sudden rigidity of Giles' shoulders told her everything she needed to know-he had known about how the first Slayer was made but he hadn't told her. Her heart sank a little further.
Xander frowned. "Demon heart?"
"I…I think we should let her rest…she's clearly been through a great ordeal of sorts…" Giles' cleaned his glasses vigorously as he walked back into the room. "We're just glad to have you back."
"Did you tell mom?" Buffy watched their faces, their concerned expressions unwavering as they all shook their heads. "I didn't think you would."
"I told her you were busy with classes and Slayer stuff. I covered for you with the tutors. Sit…" Willow took hold of Buffy's hand and led her to the couch. "You look so pale…you okay, Buffy?"
Buffy nodded, even as her heart ached.
"I'll be fine." She forced a smile and saw some of the concern lift from Willows face. "Just need a little time."
Willow frowned as she watched Buffy scratching her wrists as she looked up at the rest of the gang. Looking closely, she could see bruising and red marks hidden beneath the cuffs of the shirt she was wearing. A shirt that seemed vaguely familiar.
Buffy gave Willow a cold look as she met her eyes and then smiled at her. She watched her friend quickly stand and move to the kitchen.
Heaving a long sigh she rolled her shirt sleeves up and revealed the marks to her friends, showing them the reason behind why she didn't want to talk about where she'd been.
Xander looked down at the sores that ran around her wrists. "Jesus, Buffy…what happened?"
"Vampires…chained me up…they…they tried…" She turned her head to the side and closed her eyes as she remembered the vampires surrounding her, trying to hold her down as one of them forced her knees apart. "I can't…"
Standing up sharply she walked out of the room and into the cold night air of the courtyard.
Willow gave Xander an angry look and carried the mug of tea out to Buffy.
She watched as her friend paced around the small fountain, she had her hands hidden inside the shirtsleeves, one of them holding her side as the other was pressed against her mouth. Willow took a step towards her and gave her a small smile as she stopped and looked at her.
"Brought you some tea." She said gently, and then held it up so Buffy could see it in the darkness.
Buffy relinquished the comforting feeling that the lingering scent of Spike on her shirt gave her and dropped her arms.
"Thanks." She took the mug from Willow and breathed in the hot steam, seeking comfort where there was none.
The empty feeling inside her wasn't going away-in fact, it felt like it was rapidly getting worse.
"You don't have to tell us where you've been, we're just glad to have you back in one piece." Willow sat down on the edge of the fountain and watched Buffy as she paced with her mug of tea, her head thrown backwards and her eyes scanning the heavens.
She was wondering whereabouts Spike was.
She sighed.
Wherever he was it felt like he was a million miles away.
"You okay?"
Buffy looked down to find a concerned Willow looking up at her.
"Yeah…just got a lot to think about…to understand."
"Huh?" Willow let a frown wrinkle her nose as she watched Buffy sit down next to her and sip her tea.
"Slayer stuff." Buffy said quietly and stared at the topiary opposite her.
Spike had been right, she had never accepted who she was and now that she had waited so long to finally come to terms with what being a Slayer meant it seemed all the harder.
She was a Slayer, rooted to the earth and linked to the demon world no matter how much she didn't like it. Her power was in the darkness. She looked up at the sky, the moon shining brightly in the deep blue heavens above her.
In the night.
With the demons.
With him.
"Don't get too cold." Willow smiled at her and patted her knee before walking back into the apartment.
Buffy sighed and looked down at her black combats. Her wounds were almost healed now, but the physical and emotional scars remained. Casting a glance around the empty courtyard, the shadows suddenly seemed ominous again and she frowned at them, the small bubble of fear growing inside her until she stood up and followed Willow.
"It's late…you can all stay here tonight." Giles' announced as she walked in through the door and closed it behind her.
"What day is it?" Buffy frowned as she realised that she hadn't even been bothered about what day it had been while she'd been in Spike's lair-they had all just melted together into one long day.
"Friday, Buffy." Xander answered her and she raised her brows-at least it was the weekend.
"Do try and get some sleep tonight." Giles' placed a hand on her shoulder and was surprised when she jumped slightly, her body jerking away from his touch as her brows knit together into a hard look.
Buffy was surprised, too. She hadn't reacted that way when Willow had touched her. Her reaction to Giles' had seemed almost instinctive-like his touching her was wrong.
"Sorry…" She smiled through her confusion and looked around the room to find all her friends watching her. "…Guess I'm more tired than I thought."
Walking over to the couch, she sat down on it and stared down at her hands again, remembering how she'd felt when she'd been in the car with Spike and he'd placed his hand on her shoulder. It had been comforting, soothing. Giles' hand had felt wrong, like she was doing something bad by letting him do that to her.
"Buffy?" Xander touched her hands as he tried to get her attention.
Buffy snatched them away from him and curled up, frowning at him as she managed to stop herself from lashing out.
"It's just me, Buff…you want a blanket?" He smiled at her and then looked over her shoulder at Giles.
Giles looked pensive. Her reaction to being touched was worrying him. She seemed to do it automatically, as though it was a natural reaction for her to have to being touched. He watched closely as Willow sat down next to Buffy and put a blanket over her friend's lap and then smoothed her hair behind her ear. She didn't jump; she just smiled warmly at Willow.
Looking over at his books, he searched the spines for one that could possibly enlighten him and then relented. She had clearly been through a lot during her absence and he didn't know anything of it, the chances were that this was a reaction left over from being chained up and she would gradually get over it.
He hoped.
