She sighed as she watched the people on the TV, not hearing what they were saying, just seeing the images shifting about on the screen.
She didn't know what she felt anymore.
Since the night she'd been attacked by the vampires, everything had been a whirl of conflicting emotions. She was the Slayer, vampires were her mortal enemy and yet she had instigated a claim on one-albeit subconsciously.
But she had claimed him, hadn't she?
It wasn't like she wasn't her, she had still been in her body, seeing Spike look after her and feeling those feelings.
She had claimed him.
Had the void she'd felt after the attack allowed her true feelings towards Spike to come to the surface because she wasn't holding them back?
She sighed again.
The books Giles had brought over had only compounded her worst fears. That in order to claim Spike she had to have feelings towards him. As far as she could understand from the various texts, claiming was all about the reciprocation of deep emotions that then created a bond between a pair of vampires. This bond allowed them to keep track of each other and in the strongest cases the two could feel each others pain and could find each other over great distances by using their senses. They could also speak telepathically.
That worried Buffy.
The thought that Spike would be able to hear what she was thinking wasn't a positive, it was a definite negative and something told her that he wasn't going to be one to respect her privacy unless she laid down the law pretty quickly.
But still. Being able to hear what Spike was thinking could be a bonus.
Unless he was thinking bad things about her.
Or dirty things.
She remembered the looks he'd given her when he'd had her tied up, the insinuations that he could do a million little things with her.
She shivered involuntarily as her heart raced a little faster.
"Buffy?" Joyce smiled down at her daughter where she sat curled up in front of the TV. "Earth to Buffy?"
Buffy looked up and blinked. "Huh? Oh, hey mom."
"You look tired, sweety." Joyce sat down next to Buffy's feet and sighed. "All this worry can't be good for you, you've not slept since you bought him here. He's safe now, you should get some rest."
"I know. I just don't feel…it doesn't feel right…" Buffy caught the look on her mother's face that said she wasn't taking no for an answer this time. "I will, promise."
"How is he?" Joyce looked up at the ceiling.
"I don't know." Buffy closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, letting her senses reach out to Spike. "He's sleeping still, feels different today, stronger."
"I thought you just said…"
"It's weird. It's like he's a part of me now, I can feel him inside me. I just have to reach out a little and there he is." Buffy stared down at her tea as she tried to reach out her senses again so she could tell what state Spike was in. "He's healing. He still needs more to help him."
Joyce decided she didn't want to know what this 'more' was. She'd seen the new marks on Buffy's neck but knew better than to question her about her actions. Over the years of seeing her daughter grow up, she'd learnt to trust in her instincts, they'd been right on too many occasions now to ignore.
She curled up opposite her daughter and smiled as she reached out and smoothed her hair.
"Mom…" Buffy looked up and took a deep breath, feeling like this was the most opportune moment to tell her. "Almost two weeks ago I was on patrol. A vampire had almost got the better of me…"
"Spike?" Joyce interjected and watched Buffy solemnly shake her head as though Spike's part in what happened was far worse than just almost getting the better of her.
"…He wounded my arm pretty bad and my ankle was sprained. I was running away when I trod onto some weak ground and fell into a tunnel. The vampire…he came down too…was going to kill me." Buffy frowned as the image of Spike appearing through the dust came back to haunt her. "Spike killed him. It was his territory but I think there was something else to it, like no other vampire had the right to kill me. Funny…"
"I don't see what's funny, Buffy. You're saying he wanted to kill you?"
"No…not that funny…it's funny because I kinda think I have the sole right to killing him, like no one else is allowed to. He's mine." Buffy frowned at the weight of that word, never again would she see the word 'mine' as an innocent expression of ownership. "I passed out and when I woke up my wound was sealed up..."
Joyce looked confused.
"It's a vampire ability, they can stem the flow of blood. It's a saliva thing." Buffy said flatly before sipping her now cold tea. "Spike healed me but also chained me up. I don't think he had plans for me…he got drunk one night after I was kinda rough on him…I figured I couldn't fight him physically so I fought him with words."
"Buffy…he could've killed you…"
"I wasn't worried about him, I was more worried about his minions…little vamps that do his bidding. He couldn't leave me alone because they were always around, trying to get to me and talking behind his back." Buffy swallowed hard and tried to ignore the tears that were rapidly welling up in her eyes as all the pain came flooding back. "He wanted to get me food…we'd had this moment…he passed out from all the drink and we fell asleep next to each other…it was…I can't explain it. He left me alone but locked the door so I would be safe, or so he thought."
Moving closer to her, Joyce slipped Buffy's feet over her legs and wrapped her arms about her. "It's okay, Buffy, whatever happened you can tell me…it's over now."
"They tried…they broke in…they tried to…to…I was chained up…I couldn't stop them all and they were scratching at my clothes like hungry dogs…then one of them…he…he was on top of me…trying to…and Spike…" Buffy sniffled as she looked up towards her bedroom and then let herself cry as a sob forcibly pushed free of her lips. She curled up in her mother's arms and held onto her tightly as she struggled for control again.
"He saved you, didn't he?" Joyce stroked Buffy's hair as she cried against her shoulder, her daughter's hot tears seeping through her clothes and down to her skin. Joyce could feel the sobs convulsing Buffy's body and it hurt her to see her daughter so weak. She realised that Spike must have looked after her, must have been there for her when she was so frail and she must have opened up to him as he was the only comfort and safety she had.
Buffy sniffled back her tears and swallowed down a sob. "Spike, I don't know what happened, it was a blur…one moment they're everywhere and then he was carrying me…cleaning me…healing me…that's when I claimed him, he was on a total high from the blood but he must have reciprocated it and I felt safer than I've ever done. I still feel safer than I've ever done. I've never felt so close to someone before and I don't even know how I really feel about him, whether this inside me is just the claim or whether it's real."
She looked up into her mother's eyes and searched them, holding her breath as she hoped to find the answer to all her questions there. Joyce wrapped her arms tighter around her and gave her a gentle squeeze.
"What do the books say?"
"That there has to be feelings there in order to make a claim work and that to have the level of bonding that Spike and I share…the feelings have to be deep. But how can he have deep feelings? He's a vampire, mom, a soulless one…"
"Does that make a difference?" Joyce gave her a questioning look.
It hit Buffy hard in the stomach.
She knew her mother was right, that the soul Angel had didn't give him emotions it only acted as a conscience for the things he'd done and the things he did-a soul enhanced guilt and suffering. She'd seen Spike love, had witnessed it first hand in the way he acted with Drusilla. She'd seen him angry, upset, hurt and happy-all at her own hands. All the emotions had been there without the soul being in place.
Who told her people needed souls to love? Was a soul really the source of emotion or was it merely a catalyst, enhancing the emotions a person was already consumed by. Emotions were of the heart and Spike's heart was dead, but it was still in place and he had been human once. Maybe the part of him that was human had retained its use of emotions and they were just a little slower to come due to lack of soul.
A knock at the front door stole her thoughts away and she moved her legs so her mother could get up and answer it. She stared sightlessly at the television as she listened to the commotion in the hall, her friends asking how she was as they hung their coats up-completely blind to the fact that she could hear them all.
"Is Spike still?" Willow whispered to Joyce as she removed her hat.
"According to Buffy, he's healing. I don't know what we're going to do once he's healed but I'm sure she'll think of something. I know what you're going to say, Rupert, but she's been through a lot and no matter how wrong this seems to us all, I think she really does have feelings for him. It's just a matter of time before she realises what they are. I can't be against her on this; she's my little girl and I've never seen her so close to someone before. I think I've been in this town for too long because I don't care that he's a vampire. What she's been through, and what he did for her…they must feel for each other." Joyce gave Giles a small smile and as he nodded, she knew he was going to keep quiet about Buffy's choice of relationship. All throughout the other night, she could see that he wanted to give Buffy a talk about what she was doing but knowing what her daughter had been through, she couldn't let that happen.
"How is she?" Xander peered around the corner at Buffy where she was sitting curled up with her back to them.
"She's good. Coping, I think. She's been researching the claim and tending Spike most of the time."
"Any signs of the claim manifesting itself?" Giles hung his coat up and gave her a questioning look.
"She can feel him inside her like you said. It's like they're joined somehow. The books she's read have all said the same thing, in order to have that level of bonding the feelings they have must run deeply. I think she's worried about him still. She tries not to show it but it's there in her eyes when I look at her. She's been through a lot…just give her time and she'll be the Buffy she used to be." Joyce walked back into the living room and sat down next to Buffy again, placing her hand on her knee affectionately.
Buffy smiled and gave her mother a warm look that said she'd heard all that and was thankful.
"So…how's the English patient?" Willow gave Buffy a wide smile as she walked into the living room.
"Better…getting there, I think."
"And how are you?" Xander sat down in the armchair opposite her and smiled.
"Better…getting there, I think." Buffy repeated with a smile and then looked up at Giles where he stood next to her. "Thanks for the books…I guess we'll just have to wait and see what this whole claiming thing has in store for me…it's already freaking me out less…probably not a good thing."
"It just means that you're accepting what's happened. There's no way of undoing a claim, at least none I've heard of, but if you were ever inclined to have it reversed I'm sure our vampire friend would know." He looked up at the stairs and Buffy moved her eyes there.
She let a small frown wrinkle her nose as she thought about Giles' well placed words. What if Spike did know of a way to dispel the claim, would she want to get rid of it or would it feel wrong now to not feel close to him anymore? She felt like he'd filled a void in her life so perfectly that without him the hole she used to feel would become a chasm.
"Who wants tea?" Joyce stood up and looked down at Buffy, who nodded as she looked up at her.
"I'll lend you a hand." Giles followed Joyce into the kitchen.
"So…Buff." Xander leant forwards slightly.
"So…Xan." She replied as she felt the hesitant feeling in her stomach worsen. She didn't want to have to deal with his sarcastic questions about Spike-at least not without Spike next to her.
"How are you really?"
"I'm fine. Feeling much better than when I went all cave girl Buffy in LA."
"Cave girl Buffy?" Willow frowned.
"Yeah, Giles says that what Spike feels affects what I feel…he was feral, hurt…worse than hurt but I don't think there's a word for it…hurt isn't strong enough. I went a little feral too…reacted on instinct to protect him, wanted to kill Angel…and Giles."
"Well, that's reassuring to know." Giles raised his brows at her as he walked back into the room and handed her a mug of tea.
"I wasn't going to kill you…" Buffy pouted up at him and then stared at her drink. "God…you think my life will ever be easy? Or will it always throw me curve balls like this one?"
Spike fluttered his eyes opened and moaned as he let his eyes move weakly around the surrounding darkness. His whole body ached as he tried to focus his senses so he could make out something in the room or pick up a scent, anything to tell him where he was.
Struggling on the soft bed, he tried to sit up but flopped back down as the bones in his ribcage protested.
Exhaustion.
Not something he'd ever thought he'd feel.
But he was feeling it.
He was tired, beyond tired. His body ached in an ungodly way and from the painful areas dotted about his body he could tell that whoever did this to him did a fine job. At least three of his ribs were broken; he'd felt them grate against each other as he'd tried to move.
He inhaled deeply, a comforting scent filling his senses and soothing him immediately.
"Buffy?"
She froze as her heart started pounding harder, her blood sounding loud in her ears as she stared blankly straight ahead. Her stomach wound itself into a thousand tiny knots that seemed to be pulling against each other.
Panic.
Her eyes widened.
"Spike." She whispered before dropping her teacup to the floor as she ran out of the room towards the stairs.
Willow gave the rest of the room a nervous look. "Is she going to keep doing that?"
