A/N: Hello everybody! Eight more days until Christmas vacation! And my gift to you is a semi-speedy update (compared to the time it took to post chapter eleven. Once again, thank you, Anaita, for saving the story!). This chapter's in Draco's perspective. And the next two chapters will be in Harry's again. Sorry, that's just the way it has to be. Or rather, I want it to be that way, and I'm the author. And one final note: I know I said I wouldn't quote songs DURING THE ACTUAL STORY, but that's going to change for this chapter. But it won't be any of Breaking Benjamin's songs. Thank you very much, reviewers! Here's chapter twelve!
Disclaimer: The songs I used in this chapterare "Change (In The House Of Flies)," by Deftones, and "Trash" and "Make Me Bad," by Korn. And yes, I know Harry listened to "Trash" in another chapter, but Draco's listening to it in this chapter for the first time, so...
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Chapter Twelve
"And I want an end 'cause I feel you creeping in"
"Breakdown," Breaking Benjamin
Of course Potter was late; he was incapable of being anywhere on time. Draco sighed and turned up the volume of the CD player. He was listening to some mixed CD that Potter had said belonged to Thomas. He didn't know who the band was, but as far as he could tell, he didn't really feel like giving the CD back. He was contemplating taking out the CD when Potter entered the room. Damn.
"Sorry," Potter apologized, tossing his invisibility cloak into a corner of the room.
"So you actually remembered it this time," Draco drawled, removing the headphones. "What band is this?" he asked, waving the CD player.
"Deftones," Harry replied.
"Right. So, what's that one song that goes, 'I get all numb when she sings it's over...?'" he asked, handing Potter the player.
Potter looked at him strangely for a second, shoving the player into the pocket of his sweatshirt. "'Minerva.' Good song."
"Yeah," Draco nodded. "What about that one that goes, 'I watched a change in you...?'"
"'Change.' That's my favorite," Potter replied. "You know, you don't sing too bad."
"I was in the choir for three years," Draco said before he could stop himself.
"Choir? When?"
"Before I came to Hogwarts. Don't tell anyone."
"Don't worry. Maybe I'll want to blackmail you in the future," Potter replied.
Draco snorted. "And I thought Gryffindors didn't do dishonorable things like blackmail."
Potter smirked. "Well, you never know..." He crossed his arms. "Is it just me or is it cold tonight?"
"Potter, you've got to be roasting in that sweatshirt. Who's the band on your shirt, anyway?" Draco asked, moving forward to rub his hands up and down Potter's arms.
"Korn. Don't stop."
Draco moved his hands faster. "Are they good?"
"Yeah. Big on anger, abuse, and sex."
"Hm. Sounds worth listening to." Draco stopped rubbing Potter's arms and stepped back, taking off his clothes. When Potter didn't make a move to follow suit, Draco eyed him pointedly.
"What, you expect me to take this off when I'm already freezing?" Potter asked incredulously.
Draco rolled his eyes and wrapped his arms around Potter's waist. "You'll be warm soon, anyway."
"Promise?" Potter asked, leaning in closer to Draco and shivering.
"Yeah," Draco replied, not sure why he suddenly had trouble breathing.
"Okay." Potter moved away and strippedoff his clothes quickly, then moved back into the circle of Draco's arms. "Move fast," he said.
Draco smirked and kissed Potter languidly on the corner of his mouth. "And here I thought we'd take it slow again tonight..."
Potter smacked Draco's arm. "Then there will be no sex at all."
"I was joking, Potter."
"It's hard to tell with you."
"Keep you guessing?"
"Yes."
"You like it?"
"What do you think?" Potter retorted, scowling. "And I'm still cold."
Draco pressed his hips against Potter's, then drew him to the floor. "We'd be able to move faster without conversation..."
Potter's response was to reach up and clamp Draco's face with his hands and pull him down to kiss him roughly. Draco moaned in both surprise and excitement, moving his hands slowly up and down Potter's torso. Potter shivered and tangled his hands into Draco's hair, then tugged slightly. "Hurry up."
Draco laughed and teased Potter for a few seconds with his cock before finally entering him. Potter's breath hitched and he tensed, closing his eyes. After another few seconds, he opened his eyes and glared at Draco. "So, is it going to get any further than this?"
Draco drove into Potter again, shutting him up, and kissed his neck, then made sure he left a mark there. There was something about knowing he was the reason Potter slouched in order to hide his neck with his shoulder that drove him wild. Potter groaned when he pulled away, bucking his hips to meet Draco's thrusts. Draco inhaled slowly, taking in the sight of Potter underneath him. There really was something about Potter that excited him. He wasn't sure what it was. It couldn't just be sex appeal; he knew people that had plenty of sex appeal and he hadn't really given them a second glance after he'd fucked them. He just couldn't quite figure out what it was about Potter that made him stop and take notice. Come back for more. It was frustrating. Draco thrust violently into Potter, making him gasp. Of course, this only served to excite Draco even more until finally they were both gasping and clinging to whatever sanity they had left,then comingand throwing that sanity straight out the window. And then Draco froze, looking down into Potter's eyes. He couldn't have just done what he thought he'd done... and then the look on Potter's face told him that he had. He had just said Potter's name. Not Potter... Harry. He had just fucking screamed Potter's name! Draco shot to his feet and dressed so quickly he wasn't even sure he put his clothes on in the right places, let alone if they were actually his, and sprinted out of the room, ignoring Potter's protests.
What the fuck had just happened? Okay, so he knew what happened. What he wanted to know was why it had happened. How had it happened? What had possessed him to scream... agh, the horror of it all. And Potter had to be in that room, absolutely terrified. This completely blew Potter's previous mistakes clear out of the water. The deal was supposed to be impersonal. And names were very personal. People always took them for granted, but they signified something close. And Draco had never addressed Potter as just plain... Harry... before.
Draco hurried into the common room and leaned against the wall behind him. He closed his eyes and willed his breathing to slow to normal, his heart to stop beating rapidly enough to burst out of his chest. It took several minutes for him to be able to breathe normally. His mouth felt extremely dry, and his palms were cold and clammy. And then he knew he was going to throw up. He dove across the room and stuck his head into the wastebasket just in time. He prayed silently that no one would hear. When he stopped heaving, he rose to his feet shakily, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He made his way to the fireplace and stopped in front of one of the stones in the wall right next to it. He dug his fingers into the crevice between that stone and another, then began to shift it back and forth until it slid out slowly onto the floor. He reached into the cavity it left behind and pulled out every single last bit of alcohol that Blaise had hidden there; after Draco's mishap with the whiskey, Blaise had been very protective of his stash. He unscrewed the cap of one of the bottles of vodka he had in his arms and took a deep swig to wash away the sour taste in his mouth. Then he took another drink. And another. He plopped down in the armchair in front of the fireplace, not bothering to put the stone back into the wall.
Draco stared into the flames that were leaping up in the fireplace, mesmerized by the changing patterns they made. Every time he saw Potter's face, Potter's eyes, or anything that was Potter, he took a deep swig of vodka. Which was probably why he finished the entire bottle in five minutes. Not good if you didn't want a major hangover the following morning. Whatever. He needed some serious alcohol. He opened the other bottle of vodka that Blaise had hidden from him and chugged down half of the liquid in the bottle. He absolutely had to forget what he had just done. And this was one thing he couldn't forget through sex; sex was what had caused the whole damned mess. He drained the vodka, then opened a bottle of scotch. At this rate, he'd have the entire place drained before midnight. Good; he'd get drunk faster.
After exactlytwo more bottles of various types of alcohol... eventually he hadn't really even been able to identify what he was drinking... and many, many trips to the wastebasket to throw up, Draco was unbelievably knackered. The only problem was that, instead of forgetting about Potter and how he'd fucked things up with him, he couldn't seem to get the whole situation out of his head. And he didn't have any more alcohol. Blaise would be extremely angry. Draco laughed drunkenly. Like he really cared. Besides, he could just buy Blaise more. Ten times the amount of what he had consumed.
Draco closed his eyes against the flickering light of the fireplace, feeling dizzy. And, of course, Potter's face popped up again. Great, so now he couldn't even pass out. This was just perfect. Bloody brilliant. He renewed his vow to never get drunk again for the umpteenth time, running a hand through his hair. Lately, Potter seemed to be the reason hekept breakinghis oath. Just like him, the wanker. Getting him drunk and then not letting him enjoy it.
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"Draco? You drank up all of my alcohol, you wanker," Blaise accused, picking up the bottles scattered around the armchair. "And there's no way I'm taking care of that wastebasket. Or the area around the wastebasket," Blaise added, his nose wrinkling in distaste.
And the only reply Draco found capable of giving was a moan as he clutched his head with both hands. How could he have been so stupid as to consume that much alcohol? He should have taken the hint when he threw up. The second time. The first time was the reason he'd started drinking. That and his tendency to fuck things up.
"Serves you right, idiot," Blaise said, all real malice leaving his tone. "Here, drink this." He handed Draco a vile-smelling potion, which Draco gulped down quickly. It took all of his willpower to keep himself from throwing up all over Blaise. "Thanks," he choked out when he believed it was safe enough to do so. He could feel his headache lessening slowly. He knew he'd only have a normal migraine in a few minutes.
"Yeah, you'd better appreciate it," Blaise said. "That's the last of that potion. And the last of my alcohol."
"I needed it," Draco replied, resting his head on the back of the armchair and rubbing his temples.
"I figured that. Which is why I didn't wake you up by clanging pans together or something."
Draco shuddered. "You're a good man, Blaise."
"Now, why can't anyone else see that?" Blaise asked. "Oh, and you owe me big time," he said, walking over to the exit.
"I know," Draco said. "With interest?"
"What kind of idiot do you take me for?" Blaise asked, halfway through the portrait. "Of course."
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Draco settled down in the armchair, glad to finally be rid of his "concerned" fellow students. All they'd really been interested in was why he'd gotten himself so piss drunk in the first place. And he wasn't about to tell them about the horrid mess he'd made. Or what he'd made such a mess out of, since the deal was a secret. He began to tug at the hem of his sleeve, then realized his fingertips weren't touching the soft, blue cashmere sweater he'd put on the night before. He looked down and realized he was wearing Potter's sweatshirt. So he really had been in a hurry to leave. He reached into the pocket of the sweatshirt and pulled out the CD player. At least he'd be able to listen to those songs again.
The haunting, slow but driving sound of Deftones filled his ears. He closed his eyes and snuggled into Potter's sweatshirt, intent on the words of the song that Potter had dubbed his favorite the night before. He breathed deeply, inhaling Potter's subtly spicy scent until he was pleasantly dizzy.
"I took you home and set you on the glass
I pulled off your wings, then I laughed"
Funny how one could relate so wellto a song. Draco sighed, moving slowly in his chair in time with the music. He had more or less taken Potter in and pulled off his "wings." But he wasn't sure whether or not he was actually laughing about it. Sometimes he wanted, needed, Potter's innocence.
"I watched a change in you
It's like you never had wings
Nowyou feel so alive"
So Potter's favorite was Draco's favorite, too. But the song was starting to make him feel uncomfortable suddenly, so he skipped ahead a couple of tracks until "Minerva" started up. This one wasn't as dark as the other, but it was still fuckworthy.
And then Draco realized that he had just managed to make a connection with Potter. And Potter wasn't even there in the room with him. Okay, so Draco was wearing Potter's sweatshirt and listening to Potter's favorite song by one of his favorite bands. But somehow Draco felt like he was viewing a side of Potter he'd never seen before. And to his surprise, he actually genuinely liked what he saw.
Wanting to find out more about the boy that Draco had been having sex with for nearly the entire school year, he reached into the sweatshirt pocket and pulled out... a travel-size bottle of vodka. Go figure. He debated draining the bottle, then decided against it; he'd save it for later. He reached in again and pulled out an unopened carton of cigarettes. Draco smirked. He was seeing a side of Potter he hadn't known existed. And then he pulled out another CD. He noticed it was something to do with Korn, so he opened the CD player and took out the old CD, putting the new one in its place. He looked at the booklet and found that Potter had put stars next to some of the songs. Most likely his favorites. Draco skipped ahead on the player until he got to track number eight and a slow, positively fuckworthy song... it seemed Potter knew a lot of these... pounded softly into his head.
"I don't know why I'm so fucking cold
I don't know why it hurts me
All I want to do is get with you and make the pain go away
Why do I have a conscience? All it does is fuck with me
Why do I have this torment? All I want to do is fuck it away"
Draco sat up slightly in the armchair. Something about the lyrics struck a chord in him that he wasn't sure he wanted to hear.
"I tell my lies and I despise every second I'm with you
So I run away and you still stay, so what the fuck is with you?"
Draco turned up the volume and moved so he was sitting on the edge of the armchair.
"Your feelings; I can't help butrape them
I'm sorry, I don't feel the same
My heart inside is constantly hating
I'm sorry I just throw you away"
And then Draco skipped onto the next song. There was something that was just too personal about the song; it connected too well with how he felt. Another song started playing. This one was slower.
"I am watching the rise and fall of my salvation
There's so much shit around me, such a lack of compassion
I thought it would be fun and games
Instead, it's all the same
I want something to do; need to feel the sickness in you"
And then Draco rose to his feet, turning up the volume on the player. He started dancing slowly, moving as if someone were there with him.
"All I do is live for you
I need affection, need it to... just to get some sort of attention
What does it mean to you? For me, it's something I just do
I want something; I need to feel the sickness in you"
He kept dancing to the song, singing along. When it was over, he turned off the CD player and took of the headphones. He had just imagined that Potter was there, dancing with him. And then he realized that he might actually enjoy dancing with Potter. Not the way people danced at one of Hogwarts' formals. He wanted to take Potter to one of the underground raves he'd been to before with his fellow Slytherins. Somehow, instinctively, he knew Potter would enjoy the experience. Maybe he'd even been to a few before. And then Draco's eyes opened wide. He'd just thought of doing something with Potter other than having sex. Okay, so generally when he went to raves, he ended up having sex anyway. But still... taking him somewhere to initially do something other than fuck each other senseless, and in front of other people, was new to him. It wasn't quite as shocking a revelation as the one that had hit him in the gut the night before, but it knocked the wind out of him just the same.
Draco sank into the armchair, stretching out until most of his length was sprawled out on the floor. What the hell was happening to him? Had Blaise put something in that potion? Because he'd just thought of Potter as something other than... he'd considered taking him out in public. And even if they claimed they were just friends, that alone was still enough to rock the world. And he was pretty sure Potter didn't really want to do that presently; he had enough to deal with. So, maybe after all of the excitement died down... it would be too late. They wouldn't be seeing each other anymore. It was just as well, though. Besides, he'd probably already fucked up the deal by scaring the shit out of Potter. And something was wrong with him because he was still sniffing Potter's sweatshirt. Maybe he needed to go to St. Mungo's.
Draco sighed and wrapped his arms around himself tightly. All he knew was that if, for some reason, Potter miraculously decided his mistake could be overlooked, he'd gladly keep up his half of the deal. Yes, he'd pretend like last night hadn't happened, and he'd continue to uphold their arrangement until Potter left him. And then Draco found it was rather difficult, almost impossible, to breathe.
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A/N: Ooh, so both of them have been scared and run away. Which one will come to terms with their feelings first? You'll have to wait and read on to find out.
