A/N: I've decided to get chapter fifteen out of the way as soon as possible. This chapter focuses on Draco's thoughts and feelings. I don't normally do this because it's confusing and annoying, but this chapter is going to be half-present time and half-flashback. The flashbacks will be in italics to make things slightly less confusing. But the flashbacks are important, so you'll just have to put up with them (if you decide to read this, anyway). Anyway, read if you want to, and happy holidays! Side note: the song this chapter is based on happens to be one of my favorites by Breaking Benjamin (not necessarily for the music, but for the lyrics).
Disclaimer: The song I used in this chapter is Sevendust's "Xmas Day."
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Chapter Fifteen
"How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me?
You're the part of me that I don't want to see"
"Forget It," Breaking Benjamin
Draco punched his pillow again, cursing himself for... yet again... leaving Potter before he was... satisfied. No, it wasn't his fault. It was Potter's. Because Potter always messed everything up. Damn him. Draco sat up and looked at the clock on Blaise's night stand, squinting his eyes. It was only one o'clock in the fucking morning. He sighed and flopped back on his pillow, gnashing his teeth together. Damn that arrogant, whiny bastard with his messy black hair and bright green eyes...
It hadn't been easy to spot Potter amongst the throngs of people on the dance floor. But when he'd finally found him, Draco had frozen long enough to get jostled in the ribs and nearly shoved forward onto his face. Making his way up to the dais and trying to look casual... in other words, like he wasn't actually trying to catch Potter's attention... he pressed upagainst the guy dancing in front of Potter and started moving to the music, noticing early on that his dancing partner was miles past "out of it." That was all very well though, because that meant Draco could focus on Potter without having to pretend to be interested in... whoever he was dancing with. So he watched Potter dance wildly, taking in his choice of clothing and make-up, which made him look like... in Draco's opinion... a fallen angel. It made him want to, put quite frankly, jump him and fuck him right there on the floor. And then Potter's eyes opened and he was looking right back at him.
Draco resisted the urge to gulp nervously, unable to look away. And Potter stared right back at him. Then he noticed Potter's eyes traveling downward, taking him in slowly. Fair enough; he'd taken care of his staring earlier when Potter hadn't noticed. And then Draco felt something... electric... pass between them, almost making him shiver. He was opening his mouth to say something when some asshole of a guy came up and wrapped his arms around Potter.
The stranger called Potter "Ash." Where had Draco heard that name before? And then Draco felt his eyebrows raise in surprise. Potter couldn't be the Ash, could he? From what he'd heard about the popular club regular... then again, Potter had been surprising him right and left lately. Then Draco noticed that the stranger had annoyed Potter, and Potter was yelling at him. When the stranger backed away, Draco couldn't help but throw a triumphant smirk in his direction when Potter wasn't looking. 'That's right,' he mouthed, 'keep moving.'
"Jackass," he yelled before he could stop himself.
And things had managed to go downhill and uphill at the same time from there. Draco sighed and closed his eyes, remembering the way Potter had smelled, the way he'd looked, the way he'd danced... he remembered everything about that night. And after everything he'd heard about Ambrosia... well, he'd only hadtwo glasses of the blue liquid, andthey had both been diluted. But it wasn't fair; he remembered everything, and Potter didn't seem to be able to recall anything. When he'd approached Potter to talk to him about Friday night and he'd found out that Potter didn't remember... Draco had felt a mixture of relief and... very deep regret. He'd almost told Potter everything, but he'd held back; what if everything they'd talked about had been drug induced? He didn't want to ruin what they already had.
Not that Potter hadn't ruined the deal plenty of times. And all in the past couple of weeks, too. Draco snorted and moved his arm over his eyes. But both he and Potter had had their share of breakdowns, and they were starting to wear the deal a little thin. A few more moral attacks and they'd be over. Things would be "normal" again. But Draco had come to think of the deal as normal, so if that ended... he didn't want to think about it. Besides, they might have gotten themselves into more trouble on Friday by being caught by Thomas. And did Finnegan know yet? And he knew Pansy had figured it out. And this was supposed to be a secret between him and Potter. Bloody perfect. Damnit. But there was still a part of him somewhere that was glad that someone knew. It assured him that the deal actually existed; that he wasn't just dreaming the whole thing. Besides, the night he'd shared at the club with Potter had been worth it.
Watching Potter dance to a song he had said was called "Swamped" had made it very difficult for Draco to join in; he had thought Potter had looked sexy before, but that was nothing compared to how he looked now. But eventually Draco felt the effects of the Ambrosia gripping him, and he danced along with him, relishing in how free and alive he felt. He'd come to Deity many times before, and it wasn't the drugs or the dancing that made him feel this way. It was Potter. There was no doubt about it.
And the two of them went back and forth between the dance floor and the bar several times, but Draco only ordered Ambrosia twice because he found that he didn't want to forget this night. There was something about Potter... he was different in this place. It was like he opened up; allowed people to see him for who he really was. And Draco found the picture he made was strangely beautiful. And because Potter had shown Draco who he really was, Draco had decided to return the favor. That night was nothing but truth.
Draco opened his eyes, feeling the distinct burn of unshed tears behind them. He willed them away, blinking rapidly several times. When the threat of waterworks was quelled, he rolled over onto his side and tried to get comfortable enough to fall asleep. After a few minutes, he realized that this plan of action was not going to work. He groaned and smacked the mattress, then sat up. Running his hands through his hair, he cursed himself for the millionth time that day. For leaving so soon. For arguing with Potter. For not telling Potter what had happened on Friday. For being afraid to tell him. What had there been to lose? Nothing. Except for everything he'd allowed himself to dream at the club, and possibly his sanity in general. He'd allowed much of his hopes to rest on one tiny conversation he and Potter had had while under the influence of alcohol. Stupid.
But what was more frustrating was how he'd also almost pulverized the deal; ruined what he did have. He'd almost thrown away the one thing in his life that he found he actually cared about, made a commitment to. Sure, it was a lousy thing to commit to and it was over when they left Hogwarts, but he still cared about it. He made an effort to keep it standing. Even when Potter had bailed on him temporarily, he'd disregarded the incident and continued as if nothing had happened. It had been hard to forget about their argument over what Potter had asked. In fact, if Draco hadn't been convincing himself all weekend that his dreams were completely unrealistic, he wouldn't have been able to pretend like it hadn't hurt him. And Draco believed that it did more damage than the possibility of being shot down did; he was killing himself inside by not letting himself feel, not allowing himself to express his emotions when he did acknowledge his feelings. But he couldn't let people know because that would signify a weakness, and a Malfoy was never weak. Or, at least, a Malfoy didn't let anyone else know about his weaknesses. So Draco had been trying to forget about Friday night. He was stilltrying to forget. But the memories just didn't seem to want to leave his head.
The song was "Learning To Fly," and that was exactly what Draco felt like he was doing. Dancing with Potter was like lifting off from the ground and soaring above the clouds. The people around them vanished, and it was just him and Potter. Dancing with him felt right. It felt like he'd been doing it, or wanting to do it, all of his life. The moment they started dancing together, Draco felt like his life had meaning; like it was okay to show yourself to someone.
And then later that night another song had played. Potter had said it was called "Xmas Day," by Sevendust, but he'd said that he couldn't find anything in the lyrics that had anything to do with Christmas.
"Maybe the song's about something that happened on Christmas day," Draco suggested.
"Brilliant," Potter said, his words slurred with alcohol.
Draco wrapped his arms more tightly around Potter so that neither of them would fall down, still moving them slowly to the music.
"And I could be the one who would die to feel you breathe"
Draco closed his eyes and buried his face into the crook of Potter's neck, inhaling the sweet,spicy scent of his cologne. Toward the end of the song, Draco heard Potter singing along, and Draco joined in.
"I could break into a million pieces so just run as fast as you can from me
You mean everything"
And then Draco had felt exactly the way he had when listening to the Korn CD he had found in Potter's sweatshirt pocket; like someone was singing out his own feelings. He rubbed Potter's back with his hands, kissing his neck languidly, trying to convey his emotions to the boy he was dancing with.
Draco swallowed and closed his eyes in pain, mentally trying to bring back something that had been lost. He'd never liked nostalgia. He'd ridiculed many people who had said annoying things such as "if only." But now he found himself thinking along those liens. If only he'd found the courage inside him to speak up and remind Potter of what they had talked about on Friday. Or rather, what Potter had asked him. If only Draco had the strength to give Potter an answer to that question. Because there was something magical about that night. When he and Potter had danced together, flown together, it was almost like he was being reborn. Either that or he was actually living for the first time. And there was something about that feeling... almost as if there would be much more to come if they could just hold on. It was like he was being given a taste of a possible future. One that appealed to him and scared him out of his wits at the same time. And, being the kind of person he was, Draco paid more attention to the part that frightened him than the part that made him feel... real. So he'd kept the answer inside him. Would continue to hold that answer inside him until Potter remembered the question and asked it again. Because it was too late to tell Potter now, right?
Looking at the clock again, Draco growled and got out of bed; it was only half past two, but he wasn't going to sit in his damned dorm any longer; he'd go insane. He shrugged into his cloak and left the dorm, then the common room, making his way to the Astronomy Tower. When he finally reached his favorite spot on the roof, he sat down and let his legs dangle over the edge, looking up at the stars for guidance. When nothing came to him, he looked across the grounds at the Forbidden Forest. The grounds were silvery with moonlight and rising fog, and the tops of the trees looked like dark, mysterious shadows that stretched out to the horizon, reaching up and touching the stars that had decided to withhold the answers to the world's secrets from him for the night.
Maybe that's why Potter had been so frustrated when he'd refused to tell him what had happened at Deity; not knowing something was pretty damned annoying. But Potter's knowing the truth would probably be worse. If Draco told Potter and gave him an answer to the question he had asked, the deal would either change or end altogether. And Draco didn't want that because it was easy to follow, easy to live with. Then again, when was anything ever easy for him? He'd known the deal would end all along. And a few months after school was over, it would just be a memory. And soon he'd forget about it completely. Or so he hoped.
And then Draco didn't really care if it was so early in the morning; part of the deal was Potter's helping him forget about life, so why couldn't he take him up on that? Draco hurried back to the castle, then made his way up to Potter's dorm. However, when he reached the portrait of the Fat Lady, he realized he didn't know the password. "Damnit," he muttered under his breath. "Um," he said, looking up at the lady, "excuse me, ma'am, could I go in there for a few minutes...?"
"Absolutely not. I've let strangers in here before and it's nearly cost me my life and the lives of others as well." The Fat Lady put her hands on her hips and squinted at him. "And you definitely do not look familiar to me."
"I... I'm a friend of... er... Harry's." Draco felt the words more or less rip out of him. He'd said Potter's name before and it had nearly cost him the deal. But at the same time, saying his name made him feel... strange inside. It almost felt... good.
"Is that so? Well, you're just going to have to talk to him tomorrow, then, won't you?"
Suddenly, someone opened the portrait from the other side quickly so as to muffle the Fat Lady's protests against the wall. Draco raised his eyebrows. "Thomas?"
"M-Malfoy? What are you doing up here?"
"I was... er... that is..."
"Come on in. Harry's up in our dorm."
Draco stepped inside, then went where he was directed, stopping at the door that led to Potter's dorm. Something about the situation made Draco feel odd. It was almost as if he was breaching the point of no return. Which was ridiculous. Draco shook his head and opened the door, entering slowly in order to make sure nobody noticed him. He shut the door quietly, then made his way to the bed nearest him. He peered in through the bed curtains. Nope, it was Finnegan. He backed away quickly, then moved on to the next one, which was empty; Thomas' bed. And next was Longbottom's, and further along he almost fell over backward when his face came inches away from Weasley's, who was sitting up and murmuring something about somebody named Willow. And the next bed was occupied by Potter. Draco found himself staring at Potter, who was lying on the bed peacefully, his lips parted slightly andhis features completely relaxed.
And then Draco didn't want to wake up Potter. He didn't want to have sex anymore. In fact, Draco was suddenly possessed with the strange urge to... watch Potter sleep. He removed his cloak and sat down on the bed slowly, freezing every time Potter so much as twitched. When he finally managed to stretch out on the bed next to the other boy, he shifted his position so he was more comfortable and just stared at Potter. He really did look... nice. Draco reached out a hand and ran his fingers along Potter's cheekbone, then his jaw. Then he moved his hand up and stroked his hair slowly, rhythmically. "You're beautiful," Draco whispered. And he was. And he didn't know it. Which was probably why Draco found him so sexy; just looking at Potter did all kinds of things to his body and Potter didn't even know it. Draco noticed the way everyone looked at Potter. He noticed the guys at the club. He didn't get angry around Potter because, firstly, he wasn't supposed to care because of the deal, and, secondly, he knew that Potter didn't feel anything for them. So he wasn't angry around Potter, but he was furious when he got to "talk" to Potter's admirers when they were alone. But soon he wouldn't be able to see Potter every day at school. He wouldn't be able to feel twisted up and fluttery inside. Because Potter would go his own way and do what he was supposed to do. But right now, watching Potter sleep, Draco didn't want him to. Because he was supposed to fight Voldemort. Potter could end up dead. And Draco found that he really, genuinely, did not want him to die. Merlin, help him, Draco wanted Potter to live. And Draco wanted to live with him, follow him through life. Or maybe they could walk side by side.
Dracoshifted so he was under the covers with Potter, then moved his hand so it was cupping the side of the other boy's face. He'd never be able to walk alongside him; even though Potter hated being called the Golden Boy, that was exactly what he was. He was perfect to Draco. He was his savior in the sense that he had come and lifted Draco out of the vortex that had threatened to suck him in forever. And since Potter didn't know this, they'd go their separate ways. And if Draco told Potter how he felt about him, they'd be parting long before the end of school. And that was probably for the best, because Draco would just make Potter miserable.
Pre-dawn light began to fill the room, spilling in through the slits in the bed curtains. It accented Potter's features, making him look like a different kind of fallen angel from the kind he had been on Friday night; he was an angel that had been forced to fall, had been dragged down to the earth in order to be a savior to mankind. And that was exactly what had happened to him. Looking at Potter that morning, Draco found that he was real. He was...
"Harry," Draco murmured, finally falling asleep, his arm draped across Harry's chest. Draco didn't care if this ruined the deal; the time he spent with Harry made him feel alive.
"Malfoy," Harry whispered, tilting his head to expose more of his neck to Draco's lips.
"Hm?" Draco asked, not pulling away.
"Maybe we could... not end the deal when school's over...?"
Now Draco pulled back, regarding Harry calmly. "Why?" he asked, not letting Harry go when he tried to move away.
"I... because... I don't want it to. You... Draco... I think I might love you."
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A/N: I'm sorry for yet another short chapter, but there was really nothing left to say. Next chapter will be in Draco's perspective again! The story is a little over halfway done, and I'm already feeling a little sad about letting it go. Anyway, review and let me know what you think (please)!
