A/N: Hey all! The new year's only a few days away! This particular chapter was probably the hardest to write so far. It's in Harry's perspective, and it's more about his thoughts and feelings than his actions. Thank you for boosting my confidence, reviewers!

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Chapter Seventeen

"'Cause I am my enemy

The water's up to the knee

I never wanted nothing from you

Yes I do

My engine's running on dry

My head's so fucked up inside"

"Water," Breaking Benjamin

Harry left the infirmary, still sporting a few bruises from the day before. He'd been an idiot and tried to step between two guys who were considerably taller than him, then had slipped on Seamus' robes and taken the fight down with him. Harry shook his head and sighed. He'd never get in the middle of a fight between Malfoy and Ron ever again. He fingered the small cut on his lower lip gently, wincing slightly. As far as fights went, that one hadn't been all that bad; he'd been in the middle of worse, what with his cousin Dudley and his friends being complete asses. And when he entered the common room, Ron didn't even mention what had happened in their dorm. Harry could sympathize with Ron; Malfoy was more or less Ron's archenemy, and they'd been having sex. And Harry was Ron's best friend. That had to work wonders on your sanity and general ability to rationalize.

"Harry, are you okay?" Hermione asked worriedly. "Who did this?"

Harry glanced at Ron, who was looking down at the floor, his face turning red. Ron hadn't told anyone. Harry cleared his throat. "I got caught in the middle of a fight," he mumbled. "I was trying to stop it."

"Who was fighting?" Hermione demanded.

"Never mind," Harry said quickly. "It's over now. I'm fine, okay?" he added when Hermione looked like she was about to press the issue.

Hermione pursed her lips together and squinted at him. "Okay... you're sure?" she said finally.

"Yes. And I'm tired, so I'm going to bed now." Harry walked away from Hermione as quickly as possible, and just as he reached the stairs he heard Ron say to Hermione, "I think I'm going to go to bed now, too." Great. Now Harry would get to find out if Ron was really okay with what had happened, or... well, if he was just "okay" with it.

Harry grimaced and slipped out of the clothes that Neville had brought him while he was in the infirmary, then leaped onto his bed. The house elves had replaced his ripped up bedding, and Harry burrowed his way beneath them gratefully.

Ron entered the room just as Harry found a comfortable position. Harry sat up, but Ron held out his hand. "Don't say anything, Harry," he said tiredly. "I want to talk first, okay?"

Harry nodded, biting his lip. He inhaled sharply, wincing, when his teeth rubbed against the cut there.

Ron moved toward the bed. "I'm sorry about that," he apologized. "I swear I didn't see you standing there. All I saw was that... prick," Ron breathed deeply, his fists clenched. "Sorry. But if you'd walked into the dorm yesterday and seen what I'd seen..."

"The others seemed to take it pretty well," Harry commented bitterly before he could stop himself.

"Yeah, but they're not your best friends. Or at least that's what I thought I was." Ron sat down on the foot of Harry's bed. "Why didn't you at least tell me you're gay?" he asked.

Harry shrugged. "I didn't know if you'd... you know..."

"What, approve? Come on, Harry. It's not like I don't already know people that are gay. I mean, look at Seamus." Ron smiled grudgingly. "I'm still sleeping in the same room as him, aren't I? And I don't treat him any differently. Well, sometimes, maybe. But that's only because he's insane." Ron shook his head. "I admit I lost it yesterday." He laughed ruefully. "More than lost it. Dean's flying out the window yesterday resembled my sanity. I mean, I hit you, Harry. I'd never do that intentionally. Unless you tried to steal my girl or something. And that's not likely to happen anytime soon."

"No. Willow's not my type," Harry said. "Listen, Ron, I can't say I was going to tell you, because Malfoy and I sort of made a... an agreement."

"So he's not like a boyfriend or anything?"

"No! No, he's not my boyfriend."

"Okay." Ron stood up, looking as if he didn't quite believe Harry. When Harry opened his mouth to protest, Ron shook his head. "I'm too tired to talk anymore, okay? See you in the morning." And with that he closed the curtains around his bed and went to sleep within minutes.

Harry sighed and stared at Ron's bed for a bit longer, envying Ron's ability to fall asleep. Harry hadslept for most of the time that he had been kept in the infirmary, and now he was restless. After a few more minutes of willing himself to go to drift off, Harry threw on a T-shirt, slipped on some shoes, and covered himself with his invisibility cloak. He exited the dorm quietly, cringing when the door creaked as it closed behind him. It took him awhile to get out of the common room because people were moving around, and it was rather quiet because Hermione had demanded relative silence so she could study. When Harry reached the exit, he wondered how he was going to get out of there without being noticed, then Ginny opened the portrait and entered the common room, givingHarry the opportunity to move out into the corridor before she closed it again. He bunched up the cloak more tightly around him, both to assure he wouldn't be seen and to keep warm, and hurried downstairs to the double doors that would let him out onto the grounds.

There were few places that made Harry feel less disconnected. Each place happened to be outside. He hurried down to one of said places, enjoying the feel of the cool night air. Reaching the lake, he sat down on the part of the shore that was dry and looked out at the water, which was breaking up the full moon's light. He came to the lake when he needed to think about things. And tonight, he really needed to think.

Harry sighed and looked up at the moon, wondering if it held the answers to his questions. What had he asked Malfoy? It had been days since the night at Deity, and still he couldn't figure out what had caused the fight between them. It had obviously been something big. Which made his forgetting it all the more frustrating. Sometimes he felt like he was on to something, like he was about to remember, and then it just slipped away from him. And they day before, he'd opened his eyes to find Malfoy lying there on the bed next to him. And from the look of things, he'd slept there, too. What was going on there? They'd never done that before. Malfoy hadn't ever allowed it. So why was he doing something like that now? Oh well, part of the deal was helping Malfoy forget... whatever it was he needed to forget. So if that was what Malfoy had to do to forget, then Harry would let it happen. Besides, it had felt sort of... nice, waking up like that. And the sex they'd had before his dormmates had intruded... that had been very nice. That had been the best sex he'd ever had in his life. And it would probably get better, too; Malfoy seemed like the kind of person that just kept surprising you.

Standing up, Harry shrugged off his cloak and kicked off his shoes, then waded into the shallower part of the lakeso he could still see if there was anything in the water besides him. He stopped moving forward when the water reached a little above his knees. He took off his shirt and threw it up onto the shore, then sank down to his knees slowly, pausing every once in awhile to let his body adjust to the temperature of the water. He sat back on his heels and let the soft waves press against him, staying as still as possible to remaininconspicuous to other creatures that might be in the water. There was something about the chill of the water that helped him see things... both physically and introspectively... more clearly.

And then the memory that had been pressing at the back of his mind finally broke through and he remembered what had happened at Deity on Friday night. He had asked Malfoy if they could extend the deal. He had called Malfoy... Draco. Oddly enough, that didn't seem to bother Harry too much. In fact, it made him shiver in a way that he knew wasn't brought on by the water. And he had told Malfoy that he loved him. No, not that he loved him. He had told Malfoy that he might love him. Ah, yes, that was so much better. Harry groaned and let his entire body slip beneath the surface of the lake. As usual, the cool temperature worked wonders on his brain and allowed him to think through the matter reasonably. Apparently his big mouth hadn't affected Malfoy too much. Actually, considering Malfoy's sneaking into his bed the day before, he had taken it all rather well. Did that mean...?

Harry lifted his head over the surface to breathe. Malfoy couldn't possibly feel the same way, could he? But that night at Deity had been amazing. And they'd been drunk. But yesterday had been incredible in another way altogether. Waking up with Malfoy had almost seemed... like they were lovers or something like that. It was all so confusing. Even the lake couldn't quite get Harry back into perspective again. Harry sighed in frustration and shook his head rapidly, sending droplets of water flying in every direction. Everything was getting so complicated. Malfoy had said that they could see other people, but neither of them had really paid attention to anyone else. Sure, Harry had asked Lavender out on a date, but that was only because he'd figured the deal with Malfoy was over. And Malfoy had also said the deal was supposed to be their secret, but now several people knew, and they'd danced together at Deity. And it had been one of the best experiences Harry had ever had in his entire life. Right next to flying on his Firebolt and having sex with Malfoy. Then again, he found that each activity sort of brought on the same sensation. He felt free; he felt alive. Great, Quidditch would never be the same again.

Pushing himself out into the water further, Harry dove beneath the surface, then came back up again quickly. He attempted to stand up and found that his feet still touched the ground. Good; he didn't want to go out any further... just in case. He dove again, attempted to get rid of the fog that had settled in his mind. After a few minutes of this, he moved back to his original spot and sat down in the water again. He shouldn't have said anything at Deity. Hell, it had all started when he'd thanked Malfoy that night in the supply closet. And what if things just continued to get worse between him and Malfoy? Maybe Harry would have to break away from Malfoy. Not completely... not yet. But he wouldn't if Malfoy didn't want him to. Which wasn't likely.

Harry growled and splashed the surface of the lake with his fist. The whole situation was starting to drive him crazy. Maybe he'd already been crazy. But now he was getting worse. Everything was getting worse. And the idea that what he and Malfoy had together would be over once school ended... it made him feel strangely empty inside. Like he was missing something vital in his life. And every time he fucked Malfoy and just left, he felt the same way. Harry inhaled deeply and looked up at the stars, which were brighter now because the moon had traveled further across the sky. All he could get from the stars was that he was, in fact, losing it. Also, due to their position in the sky, Harry guessed he'd probably been outside for at least two hours. And then he noticed that he was shivering. He rose to his feet and shook his body like a dog, then waded slowly out of the water, careful to make as little sound as possible. He jumped around in the chilly night air for a few minutes, then put on his shirt and cloak. He stepped into his shoes, not bothering to put them on all the way, and walked slowly toward the castle.

When he finally reached his dorm, Harry found that he was actually tired. He let his invisibility cloak drop to the floor and flopped down onto his bed, not even bothering to kick off his shoes. Within seconds, he was fast asleep and dreaming of things that he would either find impossible or just forget about altogether when he woke up in the morning.

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A/N: Yes, I know, that was a short chapter. Next chapter (and the chapter after that) will be in Draco's perspective. There are only a few chapters left, and I really don't want to let the story go, but I have to or I'll overwrite it and people will just lose interest. Or either I'll lose interest and end it badly just to get it over with. Boo hoo. Oh well, I'm most likely going to write more Draco/Harry fics in the future, along with the one I have to finish after this story is over. Plus I just got this idea for a Lucius/Harry fic (these usually don't appeal to me all that much, but it was either Lucius and Harry, or Voldemort and Harry, and I like that particular pairing even less. I mean, the fics that allow Harry to pair up with the younger Tom Riddle in a believable fashion are good, but that snakelike thing? Ugh!). Oh, and as for Hogwarts: An Alternate Reality, I'm going to post that under Harry/Draco, but that doesn't necessarily mean that that's what the story will end up being. Because there will be a lot of people vying for Harry's attention.