Musings from the Fallen: Excerpt from a Diary
His eyes mock me ever so gently. He thinks I don't notice. I loathe the way he looks at me, yet I'll die if he ever stops. I think I keep him out of habit, a doll that I've had since a babe. If he leaves, a part of me will go to, not a part I will miss, but just feel that it's gone.
I want him to be gone.
Ever since we finally got out of there, it's always been about how happy he is to be out of there. Not like he's doing anything for us. He sits here everyday, asking me for favors. How can he not see how tired I am? Working two jobs to pay for rent and food. Like he'll ever pay.
This all started after he said that he loved me. He put me on the spot; what else was I supposed to say with him hungrily waiting on me? I had to respond, had to give him what he wanted. I didn't think anyone would take me here. I had always been the center of his world back home; he did nothing without me. Where I was, he was a step behind. I loved the attention. And when I needed more, I made my presence known. But you remember high school, how much everything changed. But we didn't change. The "in-group" back home. We thought we were better than the rest. But They changed. I remember that. And now I want him to change like They did.
Why did he have to put me on the spot like that? I could be somewhere else, but he begged me to come with him, claiming he couldn't live without me. Suddenly, I felt powerless. My future depended on what I said. I couldn't have hated him more than when I said those three terrible words. I was doomed for life. I can feel the bonds that have snaked their way to my neck and wrists. Now they began to squeeze, reminding her of her promise. I feel as if I can't breathe, as if I've forgotten how to. My mind tells me Breathe! Yet I lay here gasping for air. I cried that night; I tried to rip the skin from my body. I didn't want to be anymore. When he took me into his arms, I died a little. I was stuck and I'm not even an adult yet. How much longer I can deal with this.
Living here with him has been a mixed blessing. I now have more of a life. I felt so liberated, until I ran into one of the guys from the Trio. I couldn't think, didn't know how to react. I felt dirty, getting over my life and then having my past shoved into my face. I was shaking when I got home. He took me into his arms then, asked me what was the matter. I couldn't speak, I felt so low.
But why should I stay in the past with him when I love the life going on around me?
I left the neighborhood behind, but it followed me. Four of us in the same damn complex and the Trio just a few blocks away. Only two of us have managed to escape from the harshness of our pasts.
I spoke to my mother last night. She spent the last hour crying about how much she missed me. Now, after all those years of neglect, she misses me. Where was she when I already felt so invisible? Where was she when I felt cornered? I swear not to be like her, not to be cornered into a marriage that didn't even work. I won't be that stupid. I'll have my own life, do my own thing. I won't ever have kids; I had to deal with myself.
I just hope to God that he doesn't ask me to marry him.
I think I'd shoot myself on the back porch of our God forsaken apartment.
But then who would pay the Super?
