CHAPTER FIVE
The next two weeks were artificial and rather awkward as the companions struggled to come to terms with the fate that awaited Adric. Tegan had been through something similar when her uncle had been diagnosed with cancer. She had been very young at the time but she remembered the air of expectancy and the long three month holiday her family took so they could travel round the world with her uncle before his strength deserted him; she remembered the way people spoke in hushed voiced and how they never alluded to the future directly.
They travelled the universe in those final weeks and Tegan stored up memories greedily. She would catch herself studying the Alzarian, trying to memorise his mannerisms and idiosyncrasies. She dusted off her sketch pad and would often sit in the evenings translating their adventures to paper. Sometimes the waiting, the sense of a doom they couldn't escape, would get too much for one of them. Tegan often woke to hear Nyssa crying and she knew Adric spent a lot of time in the Cloister Room, sometimes alone, reading, sometimes with the Doctor.
The pressure built. Beforehand Adric had never been overly fond of physical activities, preferring to stick his nose in a book rather than master the hand eye co-ordination of tennis or the balance of ice skating. Now he seemed willing, eager even, to absorb every new experience. Nyssa was currently teaching him a complicated Traken dance. Tegan watched, idly sketching them, trying to ignore the Doctor who kept offering her advice.
"More shading down there," he said and suddenly it was too much for her. She let the pad slump on her lap, feeling the tears that had never been far from the surface well up again.
"This waiting is terrible! I wish he'd just get on with it!" The words were barely out of her mouth when she realised what she'd said and immediately felt like a murderer. The Doctor picked up her charcoal for her, waiting her out with remarkable composure. When she had got herself back under control, she tried a different tack, re-starting one of the many debates they had had in the last few weeks when she or Nyssa would conjure up some often ludicrous way to save Adric. "I still don't understand why Adric has to be there on the freighter in person." As was usual for the companions, Tegan did not confront the issue head on, resorting to one of the many euphemisms they had adopted. "And don't give me a lecture on the Butterfly Effect either – I know that. Why can't we substitute a dummy or something that weighs his mass?"
She was grateful for the fact that the Doctor didn't drop into lecture mode: many things had changed. He answered her like she was a sensible, intelligent woman instead of a half-wit who had to be humoured. "It's not that simple. It's not just a matter of mass – any factor can affect the outcome. It might be that where Adric was standing will affect how the freighter crashes – I know it sounds unbelievable but that's the nature of this Effect."
"There's really no other way?"
"Every minute of every day I try to think of another option."
"You haven't taken him back yet – so why can't you do so later. A lot later, say when he's lived his life." Her voice was thick with tears. "Does it have to be now?"
"Soon, Tegan, soon." He sighed deeply. It was tempting to put off the moment indefinitely, allow Adric to live a full life and only return him to fulfil his destiny at the end. But the Doctor knew that however much he wanted to do that, it was not possible. Adric could get killed during one of their adventures – for the Doctor was not now so trusting of his companions' invulnerability as he had once been. Even if he settled on some planet, he could still walk under a bus, or whatever the appropriate metaphor for accidental death was. If he died in any other way than on that freighter, Earth's future would remain unrectified. And the longer they left the decision, the harder it would inevitably be to face.
He pulled out of his reverie to meet Tegan's troubled gaze. "Tegan, I know this is very difficult for all of us … But don't … don't make him doubt himself." Tegan felt the colour rise to her cheeks. He patted her arm almost in benediction. "He's made his decision – a courageous decision. What we have to do is support him, guide him."
It was on the tip of her tongue to ask what the Doctor would have done if Adric hadn't come to the right decision; some things she just didn't dare know. Where did the Doctor's ultimate responsibility lie? If Adric had decided not to sacrifice himself (another great euphemism) would the Doctor have dragged him, kicking and screaming to his fate or would he have respected his decision at the cost of all those millions of lives?
The Doctor was continuing, "See this as a second chance. Most people don't get the opportunity to say goodbye to their loved ones before they die – you do."
He was right of course. And not just that – these weeks had given her the chance to really get to know her Alzarian companion. She had done a lot of soul-searching recently, letting go of a lot of guilt but also acknowledging things that she had kept buried. Last time, the majority of her grief had been misplaced. She had felt guilty at leaving Adric on the freighter but also at the way she had treated him beforehand. In fact, if she was brutally honest with herself, she had to admit that she hadn't really liked him. She had never made time to find out what made him tick and knew very little of his background. She saw him as an opinionated, monumentally sexist kid who was an intellectual bully, always looking down his nose at Tegan's career and her education. It wasn't pleasant but she admitted that what she had called grief was mostly anger and guilt. She hadn't really missed Adric, the person, she hadn't mourned him for who he was. This time around, she had the opportunity to make amends, to face the guilt and, most importantly, to get to know the young man (no longer a boy in her eyes) whom she would lose forever. A young man who was savagely loyal with a gentle, tender side. What she had taken as sexism and arrogance, she now read correctly as insecurity. It was a deeply humbling experience.
Nyssa was calling her over. She wiped away her tears, cranked up a smile and joined her two friends in their dancing.
By unspoken agreement, they had mainly visited Earth during those last weeks of Adric's life. That day they had materialised the TARDIS in a lush green meadow. Behind them loomed the snow capped mountains of the Alps but here it was still summer. The grass grew to their knees and gave off the most aromatic scent as they waded through it. Wildflowers grew in abundance and an eagle soared high above. It was very peaceful. After their walk, they sat for hours chatting and thinking and gazing at the beauty around them. As evening began finally to fall, Adric walked a little apart from his friends to watch the sun set. He watched the goatherd miles below round up his flock and take them back to the picturesque village he could see nestled below the crag; he watched the eagle glide back to its nest and he watched the sun sink gradually behind the snowy peaks, bathing them gold and pink.
Two weeks, the Doctor had given them but, watching the spectacle, Adric felt in his heart that this was the last sunset he would see. He drank it in, smiling in awe but it was a smile tinged with grief and a hint of wistfulness. Tonight, he promised himself, I'll do it tonight. And I'll do it alone.
The image of prehistoric Earth mesmerised him just as it had all those weeks ago. The planet looked peaceful, serene, with just a few clouds drifting over the midnight blue oceans and proto-continent and yet in just a few minutes its destiny would be drastically altered.
He yanked his mind away from that particular thought and concentrated on keying in the last few co-ordinates. He was about to hit the final materialisation sequence to materialise the TARDIS on the freighter's flight deck when the door of the Console Room opened and the Doctor entered. Carefully rehearsed excuses fled; all Adric could do was stare at his friend in misery. "Please," he said at last, the strain very clear in his voice, "I have to do this."
"I know," the Doctor murmured quietly, "but not alone. You see, I knew you were going." That evening he had watched Adric watching the sunset and he had known. When the younger man had finally gone to bed, he had hugged and kissed the two women as if he would never see them again – which of course he wouldn't. And he had shook hands with the Doctor. His eyes alighted on the remote control device Adric was holding. He shook his head, an affectionate smile touching the edges of the grief. "You woke me up from my feigned sleep, stealing that. I assume you need it to dematerialise the TARDIS once you'd left. I thought we'd agreed stealing was wrong, young man?"
"You can talk – you stole it from the Astrology Department."
The Doctor pretended to ignore that. Their conversation was strained, pseudo-casual, like there was an unspoken pact between them not to go into deep issues. "You know, if you are going to steal, at least do it quietly."
"I'll remember that in the future," Adric said and then looked like he wanted to swallow his tongue when he realised what he had said. The Doctor took a step towards him, wanting to offer comfort but he waved him away. He turned his back on his friend deliberately, his eyes drawn once again to the image of the Earth. "There are some letters over there; for you three – and Romana. Will you … you know." He trailed off, unable to finish.
The Doctor cleared his throat. "I'll make sure she gets it, I promise." He picked up the letters, more for something to occupy his hands than anything else. A white pawn dropped from the pile. He picked it up, raising an interrogative eyebrow. Adric managed a smile.
"That's for Atropos. Tell him 'checkmate.'" At the Doctor's look of confusion, Adric shrugged. "I worked out a way to undo my previous computations. All the details are in the TARDIS' memory banks. True time will be restored, despite Atropos's interference, and Gallifrey's CVE will malfunction. You can't fight fate."
The Doctor stared at him then he smiled, a smile of sore pride. "Well done, Adric," he murmured.
Adric's gaze slid away. "You're right, life isn't as simple as a mathematical equation. It wasn't an easy decision to make."
"The greater good?" There was a sense of completeness to what Adric had done – the helpless white pawn restoring the destinies of two planets.
"Exactly." Adric continued after another pregnant pause, "Tell the others – I couldn't say goodbye."
"They'll understand." Perhaps it was best this way. Intuitively the Doctor knew Adric wouldn't be able to take a tearful goodbye. He sucked in a deep breath, getting himself under control – Adric needed him to be strong, to guide him. He approached him and again Adric tried to ward him off. "Not this time." He caught Adric's arms until he stilled. "I told you, you're not doing this alone. Look at me." He gave him a gentle shake, forcing him to make eye contact. He pressed his fingers to Adric's temples, creating a telepathic link. When he eased away, with an awkward squeeze to the arm, he said, "The mental link will help you with the pain."
"Thanks. I … I know you can't knock me out." The Butterfly Effect dictated that every factor had to be exact; Adric had to be free to act instinctively in the way he had acted the first time – even where he fell could affect the freighter's plight. He watched with a sense of unreality as the Doctor began the materialisation sequence, hovering the TARDIS a few feet above the flight deck's floor so its mass would not be detected. Adric could hear the blood pounding in his ears. A greater good, he told himself, repeating the phrase like a litany. He conjured up an image of that last sunset, how beautiful it had been. He thought of Tegan, of Richard Mace and all the other Earthlings he had met. A greater good.
"Adric?"
He forced himself to look one last time at the man who had been his mentor, friend and surrogate father. The Doctor was holding out his hand, just as he had that first time. There was so much Adric wanted to say but he couldn't. The two men shook hands.
"Goodbye Adric."
He walked resolutely to the doors, paused and then turned back to the Doctor. He fumbled for his Badge, removed it and slipped it into the Doctor's hand. "Goodbye Doctor."
The Doctor had never felt so useless and helpless in all his lives. He had to watch his friend die. It went against every instinct but he had to stand there and allow it to happen. And there was absolutely nothing he could do to stop him or save him.
He felt every scream, every gasping breath, blanketing his friend's pain. It was not a slow death but it was a painless one. When it was all over, he opened his hand to stare at the Badge nestled there. Once whole, it was now shattered. He touched it gently and then with a deep breath, he made for the inner door to wake his companions.
