The Adventures of Billy Bob Joe, the Not-So-Punctual Hero

Episode One: the Narrator Starts the Story

This story does not begin once upon a time. As our hero is always late, the story cannot be on time; up down or otherwise. Our not-so-punctual hero's name was Billy Bob Joe, because our author lacks the imagination to come up with a better one.

Said author appears beside the narrator.

"I am not!" said the author. She goes into the corner, crouches down facing the wall, and starts muttering.

"No appreciation…I work hard to create it and this is how it thanks me…"

The narrator glances uncertainly back at her.

Err…Billy Bob Joe was really a prince who's full name was William-

A red haired chibi in a pink shirt that said Molly appeared and started to drool on the narrator's shoes.

­Um, what are you doing?

The chibi looked up.

"Pwinth Wiwiam?" it asked in a lisping voice. The narrator stared at it.

He's not here yet. He's late. He is supposed to be late; he's the not-so-punctual hero.

The chibi started to cry. The narrator knelt beside it to try and comfort it.

Here, have a picture. He signed it himself.

The chibi sniffed and looked at the photo being offered by the narrator. Then it burst into tears.

"I'm sorry. She got loose. It won't happen again." A nurse wearing a white coat with a badge reading Maria and a collar and leash in her hands hurried forward.

"No Pwinth Wiwiam!" wailed the chibi.

"Here you go." The nurse handed it a picture of Prince William of England. The chibi instantly stopped crying and hugged the picture. While it was distracted the nurse put a collar on it.

"Wave bye-bye to the nice narrator." The chibi obediently did so as the nurse hauled it away. The nice narrator in question blinked after them in confusion and began to tell the story again.

His full name was William Robert Joseph. He was on a quest for-

The author suddenly sprung up and began to yell loudly, apparently at the ceiling.

"It is my creation! I gave it life! I won't stand for this sort of disrespect!"

The author looked back at the narrator. She was frothing at the mouth.

"Don't forget, I am the author! I have supreme power! I can do anything I want, anything! Mwa ha ha ha ha! I can even-" the insane author paused for effect or possibly to wipe the spittle from her face. "-erase" Laughing madly, the author vanished. The narrator waited patiently for some kind of disaster to befall it. Nothing happened.

Alright, since I'm not dying of the plague or being trampled by stampeding elephants or spontaneously combusting, we will continue. He was on a quest for-

A poof of orange smoke filled with sparkly things appeared. Seto Kaiba stepped out of it dressed as Santa Clause.

How am I supposed to narrate when people keep popping up out of nowhere! What are you doing here! Go away!

"The author assigned me as the co-host," Seto informed the irate narrator.

There can't be a co-host! There isn't a host; I'm the narrator!

"Fine, co-narrator."

There is no such thing as a co-narrator.

"There is now. The author just added one." Seto crossed his arms over the baggy red suit.

Fine, whatever. What exactly does a co-narrator do?

"I make annoying comments and ask annoying questions."

Okay, ask one.

"Why?" Seto grinned like a four year old who knows he is getting on your nerves.

Because you are supposed to.

"Why?"

The author said to, now do it!

"Alright, keep your hat on." Seto closed his eyes and breathed deeply. "How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?"

That's not a real question.

"I beg to differ. It ends in a question mark, therefore it is a question."

That's not a question either.

"No, it's an annoying comment. I do those, too."

Ask another one.

"Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled purple peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?"

A peck. You said so yourself. Couldn't you ask one that makes sense?

"Hey, sense was never part of the deal, just annoying."

I get to ask one now, then.

"Shoot."

Why are you dressed like that?

Seto examined his outfit, complete with red hat and boots.

"I'm not sure. I think the author was bored. Maybe I ought to change. Red isn't my best color." He stepped behind a screen conveniently placed beside them. When he stepped out, he was wearing a lacy green dress and a pointed hat with a vulture on the top. Seto turned in a circle, preening.

"What do you think?" The narrator gaped at him, totally speechless.

Um, perhaps we had best, ah, continue the story?

"Excellent. Forward ho!" Seto began to ride an imaginary pony in circles around the narrator, who watched him for a moment, then cleared it's throat to begin.

Billy Bob Joe was on a quest-

"Hey, how come I'm the only one in this story with a name?" the annoying co-narrator asked, having decided to abandon the pony.

The chibi and nurse have names. They're Molly and Maria.

"But you never call them Molly and Maria. You call them the chibi and the nurse. And you always call the chibi and it. You even call yourself an it. What's up with that?"

Chibis and narrators are always its.

Ókay."

Billy Bob Joe was-

"Why don't you talk with quotation marks like the rest of us?"

The narrator was suddenly a hundred feet tall and surrounded by flames.

Because I'm the narrator! Will you shut up and let me tell the bloody story now?

Seto, now about the size of a kitten, nodded mutely.

Alright, Billy Bob Joe was on a quest for the Holy Quail. The Holy Quail was supposed to be a quail that was full of holes. Rumor had it that the one who possessed the Holy Quail was given strange and mysterious powers. So Billy Bob Joe gathered the knights of the kingdom together to discuss where they might find the Holy Quail. And that is where our story begins…

Will Billy Bob Joe find the Holy Quail?

Will the narrator be able to finish the story without more interruptions?

Will Seto Kaiba realize he has horrible fashion sense?

Find out next time!