The Adventures of Billy Bob Joe, the Not-So-Punctual Hero

Episode Two: Billy Bob Joe is Late to a Very Important Date

Our hero, Billy Bob Joe, was planning a quest for the Holey Quail. Before he started out on his journey he decided to ask the advice of his father's knights. Then he would select the finest four and set out. There wasn't a lot of competition because our author is too lazy to make up a lot of characters.

The author appeared in a bathrobe holding a toothbrush.

"Could you begin the story without insulting me for once? I'm tired of yelling at you! You never listen to me anyways! You just don't appreciate how hard it is to write this stuff…" the author continued to rant, waving the toothbrush emphatically and getting toothpaste everywhere, as the narrator and the co-narrator, Seto Kaiba, edged away.

"I don't think she liked being called lazy," Seto said, a bit unnecessarily, while he avoided decapitation by the toothbrush.

Well, she is. There are almost no characters and absolutely nothing happened in the last episode. It was incredibly pointless.

"Everything is pointless," said a girl wearing baggy black pants, cat ears and a black shirt that said Sara on it.

"Go away. You aren't a happy person," Seto told her. The girl looked at him and blinked.

"You're wearing a pink bunny suit," she said.

"I know. Isn't it absolutely gorgeous?" Seto asked. The girl started to laugh in a high-pitched, witch-y sort of way. The narrator hurried her away. When it returned, the narrator crossed it's fingers behind it's back.

Alright, alright, our author isn't lazy.

"Now that's what I'm talking about! Gratitude! If only everyone else was as understanding as you…" The author patted the narrator's shoulder and wandered away, still waving the toothbrush.

So Billy Bob Joe was headed for a meeting with the knights. Unfortunately, being a not-so-punctual hero, he was running late.

"Oh man, I'm running late! I never should have taken directions from that little black pig wearing the bandana!" Billy Bob Joe panted.

The reader must understand that animals could talk in Burger Kingdom, where Billy Bob Joe lived. He hurried along the halls of the palace in Burgertopia, the capital.

"How come he doesn't know the way around his own palace?" Seto asked.

I don't know. Ask him.

"Hey, mister! How come you don't know the way around your own palace? And what's the pig doing here?" Seto called out.

"Are you allowed to talk to the characters? Aren't you only supposed to narrate?" Billy Bob Joe replied.

"No, I'm the co-narrator. Emphasis on co. How come no one's ever heard of a co-narrator before?"

Maybe 'cause there's no such thing?

"There is too!" Seto stuck his lower lip out.

Oh, stop it, you look like such a dork.

"Take that back," he whined. "Or I'll tell the author on you."

You're such a tattle-tale.

Seto stuck out his tongue.

"Excuse me, people, but I'm the not-so-punctual hero. This story is supposed to be about me. Could we get back to me, please?" Billy Bob Joe asked in the over polite voice people use when they aren't really asking.

He's got a point. This is the Adventures of Billy Bob Joe, the Not-So-Punctual Hero. So Billy was hurrying down the hall-

"Wait! He never answered my questions!" Seto howled.

Fine, fine. Answer the questions or he'll never shut up.

Billy Bob Joe gritted his teeth, but answered them.

"I don't know why I don't know the way around my palace. It's a story; you just go with it. And the pig was there because the author put it there. Are you happy now?"

Seto pulled a lollypop out of the pocket of his bunny suit and began to lick very contentedly.

"Very. You may continue now." He waved a hand imperially at the narrator, who shook it's head and started off again.

Billy Bob Joe hurried down the hall. The day had started well. He wasn't even late to breakfast. Then he had left for the meeting with the knights, which was to be held in the stables so that he and the four knights he chose to go with him could jump heroically into their saddles immediately. On the way, the Grand Poobah (the mystical, king's-evil-right-hand-man sort found in all good stories) stopped him for the time. Billy Bob Joe checked his state-of-the-art Rolex.

"It's eleven thirty-seven! I'm late! I'm late! For a very important date!" Billy Bob Joe cried.

"My prince, what date is so important that you, Crown Prince William Robert Joseph, Heir to the Burger Kingdom, are so dread to miss it?" the Grand Poobah asked in an oily voice.

He talked that way because that is how mystical, king's-evil-right-hand-men are supposed to speak; and he was very dedicated to his work.

"The queen wants to play croquette with flamingos and hedgehogs. Wait, that's next Saturday. Hold on, let me check my schedule."

Billy Bob Joe pulled a little paisley book and a pair of spectacles out of his pocket. He scanned the book.

"Ah, yes, I have a meeting with my father's knights to plan our quest for the Holey Quail."

"You had best hurry, my prince. The meeting should have started exactly seven minutes and fifty-two seconds ago," the Grand Poobah said.

"Bye!" Billy Bob Joe called over his shoulder.

He raced away at about 80 miles per hour, kicking up a large cloud of dust and being chased by Wile E. Coyote, who had mistaken him for the road runner. Behind him, the Grand Poobah laughed.

"Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!" the Grand Poobah laughed.

"Hey, you weren't supposed to say that! You just interrupted the story! Just when it was getting good, too," Seto said. The author appeared again, still in the bathrobe, holding the toothbrush threateningly.

"Are you implying that it wasn't good before?" she asked. Seto cowered behind the narrator.

"No, ma'am," he said meekly.

"Good." The author nodded approvingly.

"Excuse me," interrupted the Grand Poobah, "but why wasn't I supposed to laugh? The narrator said 'the Grand Poobah laughed manically' and I did."

"But that's not how it works!" Seto yelled from behind the narrator.

Guys, focus. We have to finish this episode. Billy Bob Joe was eleven and a half minutes late to his meeting and the Grand Poobah had discovered his plan to find the Holey Quail. The evil man had some plans for the young prince. What will happen to our not-so-punctual hero?

Seto whacked the narrator on the head.

"You weren't supposed to say that! Now it sounds like some kind of soap opera!" he complained.

"Do I have to separate you two?" asked the author.

Will Billy Bob Joe find the Holey Quail?

Will he ever actually get started on his quest?

What does the Grand Poobah have planned?

Find out next time!