:Come Together, Right Now, Over Me:
By Kelly (Ktothelo)
Disclaimer: ER and all that goes with it belongs to NBC and Warner Brothers. I own nothing and never will.
Big thank you's to Carolina for being my beta.
Time, sometimes the time just slips away
And you're left with yesterday
Left with the memories
She hadn't been sure why or when she'd made this decision, but as soon as she had she knew it had to be the right thing. So much had changed in the last couple of years that Chicago no longer felt like the place where she wanted to be. The nagging feeling she felt in her stomach now almost daily had started toward the end of her first year of residency. Now, well into and near the end of her second year, she knew the decision had been made, she needed to move on.
The seemingly constant changes had taken a toll on her in more ways than one. During the final weeks of her internship, Eric again showed up in the ER, this time accompanied by a woman named Eliza. He'd gone on to tell her later that night that he and Eliza were living together in Grand Rapids, where he'd not only found a job, but was participating in an outpatient treatment program his psychiatrist had recommended. She'd been unsure as to why he'd come to Chicago to tell her this, but after two hours of mindless chit chat he'd finally explained he needed to say thank you.
"I'd be living in a box under a bridge somewhere if you hadn't come to me that night. I should have expected you to come through, you always have."
She'd had nightmare's that night, images taunting her from what she'd identified as her childhood. Eric sitting in her room crying after she and Maggie had again had an argument, her first drink at a party in the 10th grade, finding Maggie in the garage full of exhaust. The images that had haunted her throughout her whole life were only images now. Even many of the troubles, specifically Maggie and her brother, seemed to be ok now. Both medicated and functioning, living seemingly stabile lives. She didn't need to take care of them anymore. But at the same time realizing this, she knew she was now the problem. Without her focus on her family her own problems plagued her soul.
Jake had come along at the start of her internship and although they'd started as friends, he'd soon become something more. She hadn't been looking for anything at the time, but all too quickly, she found herself again in a relationship. She'd honestly been under the impression that they were only having fun, no strings attached. After all, he was still in Medical School, facing years and years of residency. Hell, she was facing years and years of it as well. But it was all too soon for her that things began to get serious and she started to feel trapped. By May of that year, Jake started talking about his plans for the future, plans that involved marriage and children and Abby. From that point on, things changed, and it wasn't long before she had, again, ended a relationship. And that night, as she climbed into bed alone, she heard her own words as they'd come out earlier that evening.
"Maybe we should just end this here. You want to get married and have a family... I can't do that."
But it was what happened earlier this year, just after Christmas, that had closed the deal for her. She'd worked both Christmas Eve and Christmas day and she'd spent most of the next day sleeping. Arriving at the hospital on the 27th, she'd seen a cake and soda on the top shelf in fridge as she took some milk for her coffee. She didn't know the entire staff's birthdays, obviously, but she couldn't ever remember celebrating one this close to Christmas. She'd simply forgotten about it, though, once she'd been in to see her first patient. It wasn't until she ran into Susan over an hour later that she learned exactly what they were celebrating. John Carter was leaving County. Kem had returned and not only were they clearly still together but Carter was going back to Africa with her, for good. After learning of the news, Abby was angry. They'd had a relationship, they were friends, they were good friends, and he hadn't told her. He had referred to her on more than one occasion as one of his best friends, she'd been the person he'd shared his problems with for years. But he never told her he was leaving.
That night, as she'd paused in the ambulance bay to light her cigarette, he came up behind her and put his arm around her. She'd quickly jerked away from him in anger and all she heard was his voice call after her. Turning to look at him she could feel the sting of the tears she'd managed to hold back and took another drag of her cigarette. She didn't say anything, she was so angry at him there were no words to say. One of her supposed best friends had failed to mention he was moving halfway around the world, and he was leaving the next morning. He had tried to explain, saying it was a spur of the moment decision, that he'd barely had enough time to pack his things let alone tell anyone. She'd been the first he was going to tell, but after not seeing her the previous day he had to tell Kerry. Gossip spread like the plague in the ER, he knew she knew that.
She'd wanted to stay angry at him, she really did. But it was only a few minutes before she was wishing him the best as he enveloped her in a hug. He'd promised to call and email and asked the same of her. And only a few minutes later she was on the El, heading for her apartment. It was as if the entire world was shifting and her place in it was no longer in Chicago. Sure she had friends there, but they all had their own lives. Kerry's life revolved around running the entire hospital and being a mother to Henry. Susan and Chuck were not only married again, but expecting their second baby in only a few months time. And then there was Luka. He'd become somewhat of a lifeline to Abby in the recent months. After his split from Sam that summer he'd found a home for himself again in the ER. He'd thrown himself into his work, covering shifts for others without a second thought, guiding the medical students in a way no other doctor did. It seemed they'd found the friendship they had lost years ago, and quickly strengthened it. He'd become almost a mentor to Abby, again taking a special interest in how she was doing, aiding her in various procedures, showing her new techniques whenever it was needed.
It was only weeks after Carter's departure that Abby began looking for a job elsewhere. She needed a change of scenery, a chance to start fresh. She spoke with hospitals all over the country, each time hoping she would find what she was looking for. She'd spoken with Kerry about her plans and it wasn't long before she had interviews scheduled with 3 separate hospitals. One located in Arizona, one in Colorado, and one in Washington.
She'd tried to keep things quiet at first, not wanting any extra or unwanted attention from certain colleagues, nor wanting the feelings that came from her friends in any attempts to make her stay. There had been no doubt in her mind that this was what she needed and wanted to do. But it had only taken a little over a week for the entire staff of the ER to find out, courtesy of Dr. Morris and his need to be in everyone's business. At first it had been whispers from the nurses throughout the day and quickly turned into a situation normally seen in a junior high school cafeteria. There were rumors as to why she was leaving that grew each day. Morris had started one, claiming she was being fired after fooling around with an injured firefighter that had been brought in weeks earlier. The nurses had been convinced that she and Jake had rekindled their romance for a short time and that she was now pregnant but didn't want him to know. And of course there was Frank, who even in his older age claimed she'd found some "nice ass" elsewhere and was leaving to be with him. Only Susan and Luka knew the real reason for her move, and both had sworn they wouldn't say anything.
It wasn't like her reasons for leaving were some big secret, just that Abby hated any if not all the attention drawn to her. Besides, this was her life and she had no obligation to keep the entire department updated on her personal life. Maybe it would have been a bigger a deal if it had been a few years earlier, when she had lots of friends who she worked with. But so many of them were gone now, they'd moved on to bigger and better things, this was her time to do the same.
The call that had closed the deal had come the previous Friday from a Dr. Edward Collins at Presbyterian/St. Luke's Medical Center in Denver. Her application had been reviewed, and after the impression she'd given at her interview, along with her credentials, he informed her that the job was hers if she was still interested. The phone call had lasted all of 15 minutes, and once she'd hung up a feeling of euphoria took over her body. She was starting over again.
"Well, we'll see you on the 2nd, Dr. Lockhart."
She was leaving Chicago.
The night of the 31st had come fairly quickly, and along with the usual crowd of patients and chaos, there was an odd sense of unhappiness among the staff. It was the typical mood that had accompanied the departure of many of their other colleagues as well. As always, there had been cake and pizza, a staple, it seemed, at every party in the ER. Abby had figured this would be the farewell from her colleagues, and although she had hoped to just quietly make her way out that night, she was enjoying herself. Her entire day had been filled with tearful goodbyes and stories of some of the craziness they had all experienced together. Her cell phone had been passed amongst the staff, and any numbers she didn't already have were programmed in. But after a second round of goodbye hugs and wishes of good luck most of the staff had returned to work. Susan and Luka remained, though, Susan crying. It still amazed Abby that someone she had disliked so much at the start had become her best friend. They shared another hug and laughed like any other day before Susan turned to return to work. They still had one more day to laugh and cry as Susan had offered to help her with the last of her packing.
"I'll see you tomorrow."
She'd found herself in the lounge one last time as she grabbed her bag and emptied the last of the contents of her locker into a small plastic bag. She stood there for a moment, staring at the emptiness before she slammed it shut and pulled her name tag from the front. She was really doing this. Again, she could feel the tears in her eyes and inhaled deeply in an attempt to keep them there. Why was she crying? This was the best thing for her, she knew that.
"Hey," she heard Luka's voice call to her.
Rubbing her eyes quickly, she turned around with the contents of her locker swinging beside her. He was standing near the door with his lab coat thrown over his arm. He looked exhausted, at least his eyes did.
"Hey," she called back, watching as he stepped towards her. "Are you off?"
"Half hour ago," he whispered, rubbing his face with his hand as he opened his own locker and threw the lab coat inside. "Do you want to get something to eat?" he asked hopefully, secretly wanting to spend just a little more time with her.
"Sure," she said quickly, dropping the locker's name tag into her bag. Maybe she'd answered him too quickly? She didn't care at this point though. In 48 hours she'd be across the country. This was good, it was for the best. But he'd still be here, in Chicago.
Why was she thinking like this? They were friends, that was all. Their relationship had ended years ago, they had both moved on, hadn't they? There had been Carter and Jake for her. There'd been Nicole, Erin, and Sam for him. Time had changed them both; they weren't the same people they had been back then.
It hadn't taken long for them to make their way to a diner only a few blocks away. Staring at each other from opposite sides of the booth, Abby couldn't help but feel something. His eyes, they were so different. Sure he looked exhausted, but it was like they'd changed and she'd never noticed it. Maybe she'd been too busy to notice it, or maybe she'd just been afraid to. They sparkled again, almost like they themselves were laughing. It had been years since she'd seen that in him.
"Um... I'll have a coffee with cream, no sugar," she told the waitress, flipping through the menu. "And a turkey sandwich on wheat," she finished, looking to Luka, who hadn't even picked up the menu.
"Can I have a black coffee?" he asked, handing the menu back to the waitress. "And a cheeseburger with onion rings," he'd continued, tapping his leg under the table.
They were quiet as the waitress left the table, and Abby slowly pulled the cigarettes from her purse. He watched as she lit it and inhaled, noticing the way her hand was shaking. He'd never seen her like this before, she seemed almost nervous. But he knew what she was going through. Just hours from moving thousands of miles away, starting over where you know nobody. It was hard.
"So, you'll be working in the ER in Denver?" he asked, hoping to start some sort of conversation. The silence was nearly too much to take.
"Yeah," she replied with a small smile, blowing the smoke to her right side as she flicked the ash into the ashtray. "They actually um, they have openings in both the ER and Pediatrics, but I, I went with what I know. Just starting in Pediatrics, I don't know. I didn't think that would really be me," she finished, feeling almost flustered. What was wrong with her?
"You're great with kids Abby. You could do it," he replied with a smile. "You have some time though, you could always put in for a switch if you really wanted to."
She nodded slowly, putting the cigarette out. "We'll see," was all she said, sipping the coffee the waitress had just left on table.
"You ok?" he asked, moving his hand across the table and putting his on top of hers. As soon as he'd done it though, he regretted it. What was he doing? And why hadn't she pulled her hand back?
She shut her eyes, focusing on his hand atop hers. She could easily say she was ok, push him away like she did everyone. She could continue to live in her own little bubble, after all, she was leaving. But something was different that night; she didn't want to hide from him. The feeling she always had inside of her when she pushed people away wasn't there. And his eyes were watching her, those eyes.
"Nervous," was all she said, swallowing loud enough for both of them to hear.
He chuckled slightly, leaning in towards her. "You're a great doctor Abby. It doesn't matter where you practice, you'll still be great."
And suddenly they were back on that bench outside the ER. Except now she was the doctor that he said she'd be. She was the great doctor. That's where she'd last seen his eyes twinkle. That was the last time she'd seen him smile so wide. How had she forgotten about that night, even if it had been years ago?
"You're not going to forgot me, are you?" she teased quietly as his hand took a firmer grip on her own.
"I couldn't ever forget you," was all he said, his voice suddenly taking a serious tone.
God, those eyes. She silently prayed that he wouldn't forget. She prayed that she wouldn't forget his eyes, that she'd never again forget that night. This had become harder than she'd ever imagined it would. This was only supposed to be dinner between friends, a somewhat goodbye between them. She couldn't help but close her eyes again; it was like an involuntary action.
But that's when she felt it, she felt his lips on hers. And then his hand, cupping the side of her face gently as his lips took a firmer hold on hers. How had she not noticed him sitting next to her? Why hadn't she heard him as he moved? This was what she wanted though, what she needed. She knew he wouldn't forget, that she wouldn't forget.
He would always remember.
Please remember, please remember me
03/14/05
